research note

this is just a note to myself.  i don't have the password for my emails right now, or i'd just mail it to myself.  i don't have a pen either and i don't feel like using that tiny little two-inch pencil on the table here to try to write with.

Directional scales

The Enneagram types have also been mapped to Karen Horney's "Three Trends" (Moving Towards, Against, Away from), in two dimensions of "Surface Direction" and "Deep Direction"^[34][35] (which also are roughly similar to FIRO and other Two-factor models of personality). Each type, on the surface, moves one way but, underneath, can move a different way. This is claimed to determine both behavior and motivations.

Surface Direction→Deep Direction↓	− Against (confronting)	0 Away (withdrawing)	+ Towards (embracing)
+ Towards (Approval Seeking)	3	9	6
0 Away (Ideal Seeking)	1	4	7
− Against (Power Seeking)	8	5	2

[edit] See also

gratitude for my housekeeper

My house-helper guy got out of the hospital and he was able to come over to help me today. I found out that he, too, was having chest pains. But he was having them before, starting sometime last year.

With me, it coincided with the snowfall. I have a bizarre theory. I think that humid, warm air rises from the local mountains, which are covered with rhododendrons, and then it brings rhododendron poison with it up into the clouds that become snow, which then falls down and poisons large numbers of people at the same time. This is only one bizarre theory as to why people might have heart attacks during snowstorms and wintertime. It could be tested - you could look for extremely low levels of grayanotoxin in snow.

There are all sorts of theories as to why people have more heart attacks in the wintertime. Weston Price talked about the winter heart attacks too, and he said it coincided with the cow's milk having the lowest level of vitamins in it, during the time when the cows weren't able to graze on grass and they were stuck in their stalls eating hay and grain instead. So he thought that poorer nutrition, lower quality milk, left people more vulnerable to things like heart attacks. So, everybody has their theory for wintertime heart attacks. I don't really agree with his theory, and I doubt that many people would agree with my theory, either.

Anyway, my housekeeper helped me clean out the fridge. We used Pine-Sol, on his recommendation. I had a mask over my face so I could breathe. I have fear attacks when I smell the bone marrow adrenaline (or whatever hormone - it might be erythropoietin or some other hormone, if I've spelled that correctly).

All of my 'precancerous' areas got irritated by the bone marrow. My 'benign' basal cell carcinomas, on my cheeks and nose, all got irritated and they have been red and itchy for days. My breasts are hurting again, the same way they did after I got the bisphenol-A plastic dental fillings. I don't know if it was a hormone that irritated the precancerous areas, or whether it was caused by bone marrow stem cells.

(The last one is a HUGE pdf file, so I put a link to a short summary page above it. I didn't read these, I only glanced quickly at them.)

Carcinogenesis Driven by Bone Marrow-Derived Stem Cells

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11081634

MMP-9 Supplied by Bone Marrow–Derived Cells Contributes to Skin Carcinogenesis

I thought of cancer because I started hearing voices telling me that bone marrow was a 'potent carcinogen.' Sometimes the voices lie, and sometimes they tell me the truth, so I am always skeptical. So I looked it up to see if there was anything on google about bone marrow being carcinogenic. And indeed I am feeling all these little painful spots in areas where I've had 'precancerous' areas in the past, or hormone-sensitive areas, or whatever.

If bone marrow really is carcinogenic, it would explain why Asians have a lot of stomach cancer. I'd read about that several times in the past, and then I read it again in Nourishing Traditions. I don't recall what her theory was about why they had lots of stomach cancer. But they do use bone marrow as part of 'Traditional Chinese Medicine'. So that could be another theory.

While my housekeeper was inside cleaning out the fridge, I went out to my car to get some cardboard out of the trunk. I met a neighbor, who saw me wearing gloves and with my face mask pulled down hanging around my neck. I was embarrassed and felt that I needed to explain why I had a face mask and gloves on, so I told her I was having an allergic reaction to something ('allergic reaction' is the phrase that I use whenever I need to make a long story short) and I told her I was chemical sensitive and had a bad reaction to something I cooked. She asked what it was, and I said, once again feeling weird, that I had tried to cook bone marrow. She said (surprise surprise) she'd eaten it before and hadn't had any problem. It seems like everyone's eaten bone marrow without any problems, except me.

So she talked with me about where to buy better quality local meat, which actually was something I had wanted to know anyway. She told me about a little store in Millheim which I think I remember seeing while driving my car and exploring. I think it was Nittany Valley Meats, or something - it sounded familiar. She said that the meats from there tasted better and were better quality than the grocery store meats.

Anyway, I haven't really tested the fridge yet, but it's been mostly cleaned out. I don't trust it, and I will probably need to clean it again. But it's better than it was.

I also had some stuff in the sink, because I was trying to skim off the foam off the top of the broth I was trying to make, and I poured the little spoonfuls of foam into the sink, and so it sat there vaporizing fumes and making a disgusting, revolting smell that made me sick. He cleaned out the sink too.

I can do the cleaning up much better if somebody is with me and I'm not alone. I had a reaction, I felt the fear attack, but I wasn't worried that I would die by myself with nobody to call the ambulance.

There aren't as many 'evil spirits' in my apartment as there were. I like the idea of explaining evil spirits that way: real, physical hormone vapors rising from dead bodies and bones, hormones that fill you with fear and terror, that only some people react to, people who are hypersensitive to those things, while other people are mostly immune.

When I dropped him off, I had already paid him and thanked him several times, and then I also shook his hand. I am very, very grateful for the help.

Bones and spirits

Well, I am not going to attempt to remove the pot containing the marrow bones, which is in my fridge right now. I am going to get my housekeeper guy to help me with it. Since I hardly cook at all, I can go a couple days without using the fridge - I usually buy fast food. (This is why switching to a healthy diet is very important to me.)

Why can't I even use the fridge? Because the steam and vapor from the pot has filled up the fridge. When I open the door, I inhale the vaporized hormones from the pot and I become full of fear again. I have to turn the fan on and open a window. It is that severe.

I am still trying to figure out why people on the net and in 'Nourishing Traditions' are making it sound like bone marrow is edible. I need to look in that book again and see if I can find the reference to it. It might be okay to make soup out of ordinary marrowless bones, but not marrow bones. There was a blog where a lady said they are actually serving bone marrow at a restaurant somewhere and she claims that she herself tried it.

If you eat it, you will start vomiting and having diarrhea within a couple minutes. A couple bites of bone marrow is like an entire bottle of adrenalin pills. (I don't know if there are any such things as adrenalin pills, but whatever hormone is in the beef bone marrow resembles adrenalin.) The marrow tastes pretty good when it's in your mouth - it's soft and spongy and doesn't have a lot of taste. You can swallow it easily. It doesn't have any unpleasant sensation while it's going down. But after a minute or two, you start to absorb the adrenalin in your stomach and it hits you with a rush. Since I only ate a tiny speck of it, I didn't vomit, but I felt that I was trying to. You then start gritting your teeth and you are quickly awakened and full of fear. And then you feel trauma, as I described before.

Well, cooking it in a pot is a way to make lots of fumes. I shoved the whole pot in my fridge after the incident, and I have been not using the fridge at all. But last night, I made a sandwich using bread and cheese which I had just bought at the store. I had a bit of leftover sandwich that I put into a ziploc bag and put the ziploc bag into the fridge. An hour or two later, I pulled out the ziploc bag, ate the sandwich, and felt the sensations of fear and sickness and I was trying not to vomit. Either the vapor went through the plastic bag, or else it collected on the outside of the bag and I touched it and then touched the sandwich. Once again, I was sick for several hours, although it was very mild compared to when I actually ate solid bone marrow.

I think people might be selling it out of ignorance. Perhaps they have never tried eating it. I don't think you can even make soup with it, because it will fill the soup with dissolved adrenalin (I'm just guessing that's what the hormone is, based on how it felt). But I don't understand the blog where the lady claims she ate it at a restaurant. I don't even trust it to be safe after being cooked at extremely high temperatures for a long time.

Religion: it's common for religions to have taboos on eating certain foods. This is one of the things I want for an alternative religion - strict rules about what to eat and how to eat it, because we don't have enough of those rules in the modern world, and there is a real need for them.

I'm not sure what to trust, now, as I try new foods. I've read about throwing leftover scraps from fish into a pot and making broth with it, but now I am uncertain. Which parts of the fish are safe to throw into a stock pot? They said that the heads contain thyroid hormone and they say that it's eaten in some other parts of the world, or at least, it used to be.

People think that food poisoning comes from bacteria, but if you are eating meat and trying to use the whole animal, food poisoning also comes from active hormones that affect you like drugs.

The vaporized adrenaline from the bones could explain why people felt that bones and dead people were full of evil spirits. Lingering vapors around a place where someone had been killed, even an animal, might be filled with fear and adrenaline, and when you inhaled it you would feel the fear too. It would gradually leak out of the bones if the bones were left outside somewhere, and so the air around a pile of bones would feel full of spirits.

I did get a call from my housekeeper-friend again - he's out of the hospital. We're playing phone tag, and I had to work last night and so I've spent this morning sleeping, so I haven't called him back today, but I will get him to supervise while I remove the pot from the refrigerator.

I feel very vulnerable and ashamed letting someone actually see the inside of my apartment. It is always a mess, and after only a week or two, it gets full of mess again. This is because I am covering the carpet with papers and stuff because of chemical sensitivity. All of my routines have been changed in the past couple years since I handled the herbs and started reacting to the residues that got onto my belongings. I've been sensitized to more things since then, it seems. So I have to let someone see the mess in my house. Actually, I usually try to quickly clean up before he comes over - this is 'positive peer pressure,' the pressure to do something necessary and good that you have to do anyway, and doing it to either avoid disapproval or to get approval.

I'm going to search again for references to eating beef bone marrow, and see what people say. As for the original Weston Price book, 'Nutrition and Physical Degeneration,' when I glanced at it I found one place where he said they threw 'the bones' into a pot for stew broth, but I can't remember if he said anything about which bones were used and which ones were avoided. His information was very general, not detailed. I love the book and I want to use it as a guiding vision, but as I said, the details need worked out.

(*Random note, I just noticed that I still have my old post office box listed in my eagledove9 blog. I don't have the password with me today so I can't go change it. I'm not using that PO box now.*)

a long, boring, unreadable complaint

I went to Weis today and talked about my work schedule.  I am still totally off work from there for now, until I can get some kind of message from a doctor.  People either don't believe a word I say, or they take me way too seriously and blow something out of proportion when it's actually not that bad.  I'm used to getting called a hypochondriac and having people not believe I'm really sick.  This time, however, they believe that I'm on the brink of death and I might drop dead if I try to work.  (I'm hard to please.  Supposedly I should be grateful that they're taking me seriously.)

I'm going to a free clinic but I have to fill out paperwork to find out if I'm eligible.  I'm a reluctant patient, I don't want to be there at all, and I'm only going because I have to.  My goal is now the opposite of what it originally was.  Originally, I thought that I had to save myself from getting fired for telling lies about being sick when I wasn't really sick, so I thought I would have to get the doctor to confirm that I was really sick.  Now I've found out that I have to get the doctor to confirm that maybe I'm not deathly ill after all, so that I'll be allowed to work without anyone having a liability or getting sued if I accidentally drop dead while trying to work.

I am relatively sure that what I have is a type of arrhythmia.  The heart is beating, but parts of it are beating out-of-sync with other parts.  It's a long story, but I'm 'relatively sure,' again, that this is being triggered by exposure to rhododendron and azalea poison, and it probably wouldn't bother the average person, but it bothers me because of chemical sensitivity.  I'm not in the mood to go into all the details on the rhododendron-azalea situation right now.  Anyway, I observe heart palpitations, fluttering feelings, after touching contaminated areas or clothing; after that palpitation, I start to feel chest pain and poor circulation.  It improves greatly if I get clean clothes and avoid contaminated carpets or other areas.

I went to this clinic yesterday.  While sitting in the office being interviewed and filling out paperwork, I started to have an anxiety attack and felt my mood changing and getting out of control.  This wasn't a surprise.  Drug users go to doctor's offices and sit in their chairs.  A drug user would have been sitting in the same chair I was sitting in, putting their arm on the table where my arm was resting, sweating drugs out through their skin where they would stay to eventually go through the skin of a chemical-sensitive, drug-avoiding person like me.

It felt like the drug might be DisAbilify.  I started to get anxious about nothing.  My tone of voice got out of control.  I was trying very hard to be polite and nice, but my voice sounded angry and irritable and argumentative.  I sounded stressed instead of calm.  I could hear myself but there was nothing I could do to make my tone of voice sound better.  As usual, I tried to apologize.  I said I might sound like a reluctant patient because I didn't really want to be there, I was only there to make sure things were settled with my employer, and I had a lot of bad experiences with going to the doctor and would really rather not have to go. She said, 'That's okay.  You just sounded like a "wise consumer" to me.'  I was glad to hear that, because that's what I want to be:  a wise consumer who chooses carefully whenever I need to receive medical services, instead of just blindly obeying what the doctors tell me, and expecting the doctor to do all the thinking.

After leaving, I had a restless feeling that wouldn't go away.  Today I put on those same clothes again and I've got that exact same feeling.  I can't decide what to do.  I can't choose from among a million possible options.  That's how microdoses of DisAbilify make me feel.  I feel like I've urgently got to do something, but there are too many things to do.

This is why I hate buying coats.  I bought a new coat in spite of myself.  My microfleece cloak was getting lots of fuzzy gray lint in my dreadlocks, and it was  only medium-warm.  It was sort of difficult to wear since I had to safety-pin parts of it together in the right places.  It was just an experiment anyway.  I might not mind wearing a cloak but it would have to be well made.

So I had a new coat, a knee-length brown one with a hood, and it was very warm and practical and I loved it.  However, it's already gotten contaminated.  I'll try to wash it, but based on past experience, I know it might not wash out very well and I'll keep reacting to it.  So I got a new coat.  The new coat is shorter and less warm and less practical - but don't worry, I probably won't have this one very long either before it gets contaminated.

The enneagram type Four is usually trying to achieve some kind of 'image.'  I can achieve an image based on what kind of coat I'm wearing, but then I quickly have to abandon that image whether I want to or not.  During all this contamination over the past couple years, I've had to force myself NOT to get attached to any particular clothing-image or style because all the clothes are at risk and I might have to throw them away.  Often, I'm wearing multiple layers of shirts that don't match each other.  I get them for $0.29 at Goodwill.  The most consistent image I've had is a Harry Potter image of 'Witch who's trying (and failing) to dress as a Muggle.'  They describe the witches and wizards wearing odd clothing hastily thrown together that doesn't go together.  That describes my Goodwill layers pretty well.

***

Text messaging incident occurred.  I have been trying to develop a stable friendship with a particular person so that I wouldn't be worried about emails and phone calls getting intercepted.  I still have not gotten past that problem yet.  This is someone I'm attracted to but I can enjoy his company as just a friend.  As of right now, I have only one friend (Peter) and one person who is an employee (housekeeper/cook) who is in the hospital right now after having visited me only two times and I haven't gotten a hold of him yet to find out what's going on.  (He told me he was unemployed because of having blood clots developing in his lungs, so he was doing light work.)  So that might count as having two friends.  In other words, I am extremely isolated.  Even just developing a casual friendship with somebody is a very big deal and it is hard to do.

All jobs are unstable.  People can quit or get fired unexpectedly at any moment over nothing, without expecting it, and then they are permanently gone and you never see them again.  I have had this happen dozens of times at many different jobs.  I've been fired, quit, and laid off from job after job, and I've seen the same happen to my co-workers.  So I am afraid of people getting disconnected from me if I have any feelings for them at all, whether it's friendship or attraction or anything at all beyond just being neutral.

'They' have pushed and encouraged me to make friends with this person, and I think my original policy would have been 'Don't even bother trying.'  So sometimes I am being 'encouraged' to say something to him or write him something, and I am going along with it because I actually agree with the overall idea that, theoretically, there should be no harm in at least being friends with him.

I had written a while ago that I didn't have a 'socially acceptable way to contact this person.'  If I cannot get some kind of consent to be friends, then it's a non-consenting, stalking behavior if you keep on trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you.  As of right now, I don't have explicit permission to even be this person's friend (outside of work).  As a desperate last resort, I finally asked his friend/co-worker if he could give me his phone number.  He told me where it was written, and I copied it down.  And no, I did not want to have to steal a phone number that way without asking, and I usually don't do things like that.

So anyway, I have sent a few text messages as of now.  I explained how I got his number.  I did not get any replies from him.  Whenever this happens, I have no way to know whether he's trying to reply and I'm not receiving them, versus he isn't replying at all and doesn't want to reply and doesn't want me to be texting him.  I want to know whether he's avoiding me on purpose, or whether I'm not receiving his messages, but so far, I haven't been able to spend enough time talking with him to find out.  I would be perfectly happy to take 'no' for an answer, but I am unable to tell whether he's saying 'no,' or whether he's trying to communicate and the letters are getting hacked.  This happens every time I try to make friends with a guy I'm attracted to.  Then, the more I try to find out, the more freaked out they usually get.  I just need a clear 'no' because I have so many problems with email and phone calls, but for some unknown reason, guys are not able to say 'no' to me.  It has happened again and again, I try to get a guy to simply say 'no' and he absolutely cannot do it.  This is very annoying and frustrating to me. Usually, it escalates into me being terrified that I will get accused of stalking, while simultaneously, 'THEY' start pushing and forcing me to continue trying to write to the person, in spite of that person not answering, and avoiding me, while also not saying any kind of clear 'no.'  And if they give anything that resembles a 'no,' and I try very, very hard to take no for an answer, and leave that person alone, 'THEY' start forcing me to continue trying again to reach that person. (Mind-reading, mind-controlling, surveillance-using murderers tend to be the type of people who DO NOT take 'no' for an answer from anyone.  Respecting people's boundaries and taking no for an answer is unimaginable to them.)

I got something resembling a 'no' whenever they were forcing me to do this to Martin, last year.  I gave him a handwritten letter.  The letter assumed that all of my emails had never been received at all, as a worst-case scenario.  I assumed he knew nothing, so I explained it all from the beginning in the handwritten letter, including how my emails are getting hacked and so on.  He gave me a letter back, and I tried very hard to understand what it meant, but even now I still don't understand it.  It was brief and confusing and it didn't answer much of anything I had written.  But it vaguely, almost, kind of sounded like 'no,' so I took no for an answer and I continued to fight against the murderers who were trying to force me to stalk him.

I make a couple of assumptions.  First, we are both 'puppets' being physically attacked and controlled and prevented from telling the truth to each other.  It's tempting to blame him and think he's responsible for his actions, but actually, I think he can't help it that he's unable to speak to me.  I'm assuming that same thing with the person who I've recently been texting, that whatever is going on, it's not his fault.  It's possible to force somebody to blurt something out while they're talking, and it's also possible to freeze them up so that they're so terrified, they can't even speak or say anything at all, and bombard their brain with garbage so that they can't even think, to prevent people from talking.  I've experienced both, so I assume that the same thing happens to the people I'm trying to make friends with, who can't communicate back to me either to say yes or no or anything at all.

Well, a couple days ago it was late in the evening.  I don't send messages late in the evening because someone could be asleep.  I know I am forced to make a phone call or send a text at the most inconvenient moment possible.  The phone will beep or make a noise and it will catch someone at the wrong moment.  I am not doing this on purpose.  Whenever they force me to do things, it is ALWAYS the worst possible moment.  I think that happened.

I started hearing a voice saying 'direct threat, direct threat.'  I then felt a strong urge to send this person a text.  Suddenly, I was free to break something which had been taboo:  I wasn't allowed to ask the question, 'Are you getting my messages?  If so, send something back to me.'  I was physically prevented from asking this question.  All that I managed to ask, so far, was, 'did you get a message from me?' when I saw him in person, and he said yes.  This was in spite of great difficulty where I was barely able to talk, and he was in a big hurry to leave and he couldn't talk either.

So all of a sudden, I was 'able' to ask him to text me back to test whether he was getting any messages or not, and whether I could get his.  I thought that I myself was being a 'direct threat' somehow, which was how I interpreted the voice I was hearing.  After I texted him, I immediately got a reply from someone asking 'Who is this?'  I answered, and thanked them for replying.  They said 'OIC,' and then I said I didn't need to text anymore tonight.  He probably wouldn't need to ask who I am, since he's already seen a few messages from me.

So after this happened, I had to interpret what I had been forced to do.  Apparently somebody else picked up his phone and answered it.  It could have been either his girlfriend (semi-girlfriend, on-and-off girlfriend, or whatever she might be called:  she is still part of his life, but they have a difficult and unstable relationship), or family member, or someone else.  I don't know who.

I was then hearing voices and getting 'ideas' from them that he was with his girlfriend, and I was supposed to be all jealous and threatened about this, and that I was supposed to be competitive and I must prevent them from getting together.  This is not me.  I do feel jealous of her, but at the same time, I am not going to DO things to interfere with their relationship, and I am only asking for his friendship.  I'm assuming that he will probably be with her for a long time and that it will probably continue to be a stressful relationship with fighting and whatever other problems they have.  That's the same kind of relationship I had with Terry whenever I was with him in high school.  I know how it is.  So if I caused them to have an argument, that is NOT what I want to do, and I did NOT do that on purpose, knowing ahead of time that she (or somebody else) would pick up his phone and text me back.

My idea of what kind of friendship I would try to achieve:  Just spending time together getting to know each other - talking, maybe taking a walk someplace, or going to a movie, or being with him and other friends of his at the same time if that was what he wanted to do.  I would have to meet his family, which would be awkward but necessary.  We would do simple, ordinary things where people just 'get used to' each other.  Also, because of my own work schedule (which has been drastically reduced for now, which is why I'm spending all my time blogging) and my own sicknesses and difficulties, I wouldn't spend a huge amount of time with him, but I would schedule a limited amount of time and make sure to follow that schedule regularly.  Making friends with somebody, on purpose, is like a duty you have to fulfill, an obligation.  If you are really friends with someone, you need to see them regularly and consistently.  This is something important that I have to learn how to do, especially if I am going to raise children.  For my own children I will need to be reliable and consistent.  I have to do the same thing with friends. I have been extremely antisocial for years - not really by choice - and the few times I've tried to connect with people it has been almost impossible just trying to communicate at all.  So I still have to learn the most basic things about what to do with friends.

I think that's most of it.  I will think of more stuff later, I'm sure, as soon as I log out.

recovering

WP summary

recovering

going to doctor

universal edibility test

It's been 24 hours since I ate the marrow and had the reaction to it. I haven't tried eating solid food, but I have been drinking sugar water. I don't have any juice or anything in the house, but I needed some kind of energy so that I wouldn't be starving, so I just scooped ordinary sugar into a cup of water. I tried coffee this afternoon and had no problems. I actually didn't react this badly the first time I tried it months ago, when I ate the tiny piece raw - I felt better soon enough to eat more food that same day. Maybe I ate more marrow this time. Also, it's harder to digest when it's cooked (according to various things I've read about raw meat versus cooked meat, raw being faster and easier to digest) so it would be in there longer.

More comments about troubleshooting the diet:

1. This book is still relatively new, and in that way, it is kind of a 'fad,' even though it's actually a study of primitive diets that have existed for thousands of years. It's new to us in the modern USA and we don't know enough details about it yet. The Weston Price Foundation was started in 1999, which means that his book was sitting around for a couple of decades and nobody really knew it existed, but all of a sudden, it's been made more popular and people are becoming aware of it. I found out about it by picking up a leaflet at a natural foods store.

2. Other people are writing books that are associated with the WP book, but weren't actually written by him. There's a cookbook called Nourishing Traditions, which I am reading, and that's one of the books that talks about bone marrow and bone broth. As more people are getting into this movement, there will be conflicts between the things they say, and it won't all be totally consistent.

3. There is a real need for something like this, which makes people get very excited about the book, and I feel that way too. But you can jump into something new and not know how dangerous it can be. For instance, they're talking about eating raw meat. This is something that people really do, but you have to be extremely careful and you have to know what you're doing. You don't just go buy some raw chicken off the shelf at the grocery store and eat it raw. I don't know enough about this yet to even think about trying it. I just don't want people to think they can rush out and do something without knowing how, especially after my own experience with the soup bones.

4. The Universal Edibility Test: There is a description that I found once on a wilderness survival website. It talked about how to try out a new, unfamiliar plant if you were in the wilderness and had to eat something. In that test, it even says you should begin by simply touching the plant against your skin. He says to look for an external skin reaction, though - you'd be expecting to see something like a poison ivy rash - but even so, that would still be a good thing to do, because you'd have a chance to feel symptoms from transdermal poisoning. He might not have known about transdermal absorption of plant poisons, but that test still looks like a really good thing to know how to do.

However, some molecules are too large to go through the skin. The soup bones probably won't cause a bad reaction if you only touch them. I handled them with bare hands and didn't feel anything. You can also try inhaling it - there is a vapor that rises off the broth that I cooked, and that vapor is full of fear and adrenaline, a bad feeling. If you don't react to something you put on your skin, and if you're not sure that the vapor from it is bad, the next thing to do is just try the tiniest amount possible, and wait several minutes for a reaction. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's a tiny dot the size of the period at the end of the sentence. It has to be an extremely small amount.

5. I'm assuming that all internal organs are medicinal and can't just be eaten casually as food. Now, I'm also going to be cautious about all bones and other body parts as well - for instance, I was thinking of trying to make a broth or stock using crayfish, but now I'm not sure if I'll be able to eat that either. I am going to be cautious about everything new that I haven't tried before. Anyway, the bodies of animals produce hormones which are actually used in mainstream medicine, or they used to be in the past - you can get insulin for diabetics from the pancreas of a pig, for instance. So if you just went out and casually ate some pancreas, you might have a life-threatening insulin poisoning attack with extremely low blood sugar, the same way a diabetic does if they do a large dose of insulin. This will cause you to lose energy, pass out, go into convulsions, and you will need an ambulance. (I've seen this happen several times with my diabetic friend.) They then have to give you a shot with some kind of sugar in it - I think it's dextrose but I'm not sure - that doesn't really sound right. I don't think it's glucose, though. So that could happen if you just casually tried to eat pancreas as a 'food' instead of a medicine, in a large amount, without knowing what to expect. But even so, various sources say that some people eat pancreas as a 'food' in other parts of the world.

6. What's the general overall idea of the Weston Price book that I am using as guidance or a 'vision?' It's a couple of things. The most important idea is that facial deformities and crooked, misplaced teeth are NOT hereditary. They're a deformity caused by an unknown something in the modern lifestyle. It might be the diet, or it might be poisons, or it might be something else, but whatever it is, it doesn't happen in primitive societies.

I didn't know this, and nobody else knew it either. Nobody ever tried to explain why my teeth all grew in the wrong place and I had lots of teeth removed and got braces when I was a child. Nobody tried to explain why my jaw and mouth are unusually small - you can see it really clearly in a photo that I put on my MySpace page, where I took a picture of my head from an angle up above, outdoors by the woods, when I first got my camera. Nobody knew that this small jaw was something preventable. That's the main idea: you can prevent these things somehow.

The other main idea is something which lots of other mainstream writers are already saying: it's good to eat lots of seafood. The healthiest cultures he found were eating seafood.

But the non-mainstream or counter-mainstream idea is, if you can't eat seafood, then supposedly, you would benefit from eating more meat, more fat, and more internal organs of the animal, although we'd have to find out how to eat them safely and which ones will cause the fewest 'medicinal' experiences. This is just a general idea and all the details need worked out. Eating more animal fat, not less, is the idea that goes against mainstream beliefs, and avoiding vegetable oils.

I myself won't be using cod liver oil. It goes rancid too easily and will probably go rancid even if you try very hard to take precautions. Also, a few years ago, when I started trying over-the-counter alternative herbal medicine pills (I don't use pills anymore, but I tried them for a while), I also tried some nutrient supplements. One day, I tried a fish oil pill along with a vitamin E pill. The next day, my skin was covered in bruises, and one side of my body was weak as though I had had a stroke. I was walking with a limp on the weak leg. The symptoms were temporary and they disappeared quickly, but I never took another fish oil pill or vitamin E pill ever again.

Anyway, even if people disagree about the details of how to use WP's information, or the details of the particular diets we choose, the overall ideas will still be there.

7. Weston Price might have gotten hoaxed a couple of times by some of the people he talked to. Margaret Mead got hoaxed by the primitive culture she studied. They told her that they didn't know that sex caused pregnancy, so they just had sex as much as they wanted without worrying about it. They told her lots of other things as a joke and she took it all seriously and wrote a big, famous book about it, which made lots of people believe, for a long time, that primitive cultures are full of really stupid, ignorant people who need to be 'saved' by the superior knowledge of the modern world.

However, most of what WP wrote was about the foods he actually saw people eating. I was thinking he might have gotten hoaxed, or lied to, by the one guy who said they prevented scurvy by eating the adrenal glands of the moose. The adrenal glands produce adrenaline, the fight-or-flight hormone, which would make you terrified and full of fear and energy and it would cause a lot of other bad things to happen if you just went and ate a bunch of it. So this just sounds too unbelievable, based on my own experiences of what happens when you eat hormone-producing parts of the body. But I think the majority of the things he wrote came from people who were telling the truth, especially since he watched them eating these foods.

***

I made an appointment to go see a doctor about my strange chest pains. I have to make an appointment just to 'play along' with the expected things to do for my employer. They wanted me to get a doctor's excuse. (Not at McD, but Weis. At McD, your schedule is a lot more flexible and it's much easier for them to cover your shift with somebody else if you're gone. At Weis, we don't have enough people right now, so it is a big deal if I'm gone. So McD didn't react as badly when I said I needed to drastically cut my hours because of a strange heart problem.) I see the doctor as somebody potentially dangerous who is more likely to make my situation much worse, so I am going to be on my guard.

***

I have to mention something else I thought of. I've written about how there is a need to build shielded boxes and shielded rooms that will block out sonic and electromagnetic attacks. This is relevant to the topic of 'unexpected dangers from doing something new.' I've read about how some places are covered with copper sheet metal to protect against electromagnetic interference. My dad visited the satellite dish in Greenbank, West Virginia, where they study outer space, and it's all shielded with copper.

This is one of those unknown dangers where you try to fix one problem, and you cause another problem. Touching and handling copper will probably cause copper poisoning. It goes through the skin like many of the herbs and drugs that I have experiences. I've touched wet copper pennies and tried to use copper hairpins on wet hair, and had bad reactions to it. Large amounts of copper metal will give you strange feelings in your head and you become unable to think properly. It can cause convulsions and vomiting and other symptoms. I can imagine people going out and buying copper sheet metal and trying to build their own shields with it, only to have unexplained problems after handling copper for a few weeks and touching it all the time.

I have a Google Book where I read something about using copper as ayurvedic medicine: Ṣoḍaśāṅgahr̥dayam: essentials of ayurveda
By Priya Vrat Sharma. In that book it mentions "The eight defects of copper." They are: loss of consciousness, giddiness, burning sensation, sweating, nausea, vomiting, anorexia, and restlessness. I experienced those things (a little bit) by touching and handling wet copper.

***

I just saw a black person in the library and this suddenly reminded me of a 'Politically Incorrect Warning' that I have to give about the Weston Price book.  I love the book for showing lots of beautiful pictures of healthy people of all races.  However, in one part of the book, he has a picture of a chimpanzee next to some pictures of black people with facial deformities and he said that there was a resemblance between them.  He also described some African babies running around on all fours as 'behaving like chimpanzees,' or something like that.

When you're visiting Africa, the place where most of the great apes live, when you think about how closely related we are to them, then of course you look at them and see similarities between them and us.  But it will be offensive that he only made the comparisons with some black people in Africa, and not ALL people with facial deformities.

***

I like the Aquatic Apes theory.  There is a theory that humans developed long ago by living a partially aquatic lifestyle where they spent a lot of time in either the ocean or large lake areas, hunting and gathering seafood.  This makes us similar to other mammals that lost their body hair, such as the hippopotamus, the whales, dolphins, and some types of seals or walruses - I know some seals still have fur but not all of them do.

I should disconnect now - there's some stuff I still have to do today and I'm starting to feel better.  It's actually a good thing that I can't get online at home, and have to use the limited-time login at the library.

Seduction's "Law of Attraction" actually results from electronic mind control system

This is really hasty because I'm running out of minutes on my login.  I forgot to write this before, and started reading about seduction and was reminded of it.

There is a belief that if you do the little seduction techniques to people, you will get good things from them in return.  There are lots of people who believe that if you want something, you have to think positive thoughts or radiate positive energy and stuff like that, and the universe will bring those good things to you.  This exists in the seduction community too.

I have seen it happen, but it was obviously a forced, puppeteer, mind-control incident.  A guy did the seduction touch on my hand in drive-thru.  I didn't connect with him very deeply, but I noticed the touch.  Next thing I knew, the manager I was working with told me to offer him a free drink, because he had to wait longer than usual for his food.  It wasn't that long, not much more than the normal wait for the food.  I couldn't believe she was telling me to do something so strange - it's something we hardly ever do, unless the customer is obviously angry and dissatisfied and we want to give them something free to calm them down.  He wasn't - he was just calmly sitting there.  But he got a free drink because somebody put that suggestion into my manager's head.  They are teaching them that people will do unexpected nice things for you if you seduce them, touch them, or do nice things to them, or think nice thoughts, or whatever, but it is actually (sometimes) the mind control system doing it - it isn't happening naturally as a result of anything that person did.

I don't have time to go into much detail on this.

Seduction hand touch can transmit drugs to skin, causing unexplained moods

Every now and then I get seduction people going through the drive-through at McDonald's or at the cash register at my other job. I read about seduction a couple years ago. The seduction movement is a legitimate attempt to teach men how to attract women. (Yes, I'm still writing from another persona now.) However, there is a dark side, a pseudo-religious side to that movement, which is connected with 'puppeteers' and mind control.

One of the things they teach you to do is to gently touch the fingers of people you don't know, a gentle caress when you get the opportunity to bring your hand close to their hand. It can happen by accident, so it isn't always noticed. It happens when people give and receive money at the cash register. Sometimes it's deliberate, sometimes it's accidental. It feels good to stroke the fingers that way if you stroke the right places. Hand-holding is a way for people to bond with each other, and it works: you remember the person who did it to you.

If the person who does the touch is using drugs, like psychiatric drugs, the drugs will transfer from the sweat and oils of his skin to yours, and go through your skin. It happened to me last night. I am working a shorter shift at McD, but still working. A guy went through the drive-through. He had an aura about him. It was a smell, some vaporized drugs and pheromones in the air around his body. I felt a good feeling and an attraction to him.

When I handed him his food, he stroked the back of my hand. It was pleasant. I knew he was doing a seduction touch. He then winked at me before he left.

Within a couple of minutes, I was laughing and giggling about nothing in particular. Every little thing was funny. But then the mood started to go bad. I got more and more irritable and argumentative. I was trying to have an ordinary conversation with my co-worker, but I was getting angry and my tone of voice was provoking her to argue her side more and more strongly. I was probably giving off bad pheromones myself by this time. 'Clear the air,' 'let it blow over,' and 'take the fight outside' are all literal truths: the air gets full of the smell of fighting, and it controls the moods of everyone in the room. You have to go outdoors, or open the windows, to let the vaporized pheromones dissipate, or else the bad moods and fighting will continue.

I didn't know what was going on, but I apologized. I said, "I'm in a bad mood, and I don't know why. I'm not really mad at you." Later on, I was troubleshooting. I wondered if it was because I drank Coke. I don't usually drink soda. So I thought maybe that was it.

When I drove home, some people were attacking me, worse than usual, and giving me very bad feelings. I won't say which particular bad feeling it was, because I don't want to risk getting thrown in a mental hospital again, but it was an unpleasant feeling. I knew exactly what was going on, I knew I was being attacked, and by that time, I knew I was on a tiny microdose of a drug, and that it came from the seduction hand touch guy. So I had one voice telling me that I was being guarded and watched right now, while simultaneously, another person was attacking me. After a couple minutes, the attacks stopped. I continued driving home. At home, I washed my hands thoroughly. The bad feelings quickly were reduced. After that I felt a particular type of 'zinging' attack which I only feel whenever I am going into antidepressant withdrawal.

People using psychiatric drugs are puppets. They will go where they are forced to go, and do what they are forced to do. They may or may not know they are being controlled. Seduction is used to get the attention of some of the mind-control targets. I get seducers every now and then, as I said before, whenever anything unusual is going on in my life.

On a more pleasant note, I had the same thing happen, but it was an accident, and this person wasn't on antidepressants. He was a random guy who went through the drive-through. He was drunk. I do not approve of drunk driving and I don't want to encourage it. I am just telling the truth of what happened. When people are drunk, they might be more approachable, more open, and easier to make friends with, just like me when I'm on St. John's Wort - I'm able to touch people in a friendly way and not be afraid to do it, but the rest of the time, I can't.

So this drunk guy went through, and he was so drunk that his hand was limp and loose and he couldn't hold the change I gave him after he handed me his money. He was looking up into my eyes and not looking at the change I was putting in his hand. His hand was tilted sideways and the coins started to fall. So I grabbed his hand with both of my hands and said, 'Got it?' and closed his hand over the change. We had a holding-hands moment with both of my hands clasped around his. It was pleasant and intimate and a total accident with a stranger.

The next time he went through, a week or two later, I recognized him immediately. He was in the car with several friends, and he was in the back seat. He was drunk again and he said, 'hi!' and reached his hand out towards me with his fingers outstretched like he wanted to hold my hand again, but couldn't reach. I felt so sad and wanted to touch his hand again but I also resisted doing that because I can't just start random relationships with every stranger that I accidentally touch. But there was a real feeling of a bond just because we had accidentally held hands for a minute. And now, every time he goes through I recognize him and I'm always happy to see him. He feels like a friend even though I don't know his name or anything about him. I just call him 'the hand-holding guy.'

Again, I don't want people to drink or use drugs to make themselves more open and approachable - there has to be a better way.

Voices are always telling me that I need to connect with the seduction groups, the lairs, the people who are trying to learn how to meet women. I have a feeling that some of these men are having a problem with 'women playing games,' people who don't answer emails or phone calls. It's true, sometimes people get a phone call, they know they got it, and they don't call back. But other times, the calls or emails are being intercepted by someone, to isolate the victim more and more from people. I am pretty sure that my own communications are being hacked that way and have been for years. This is another reason why I've made a time and place for people to meet me and talk about the taboo subjects of my religion - that we want to meditate, think our thoughts, feel our feelings, and be who we are, without being controlled or made into puppets by a large system or by small-scale attackers, and that one of the ways they isolate their victims is by making it impossible for other people to reach them using any communication methods at all.

(7-8 PM Tuesdays, Barnes & Noble, State College, PA).

Another part of my religion is that I want to have a drug withdrawal program. Withdrawing from psychiatric drugs, or even using them at all in the first place, is deadly: it causes suicide, murder, or death from side effects. So when you quit using them, you need to be in a safe place, watched and protected constantly - you can't just quit them on a whim. Not only that, but they will need to get rid of contaminated clothing, which will cause them to have symptoms of the drug, and then withdrawal, every time they put the clothing on and off. I know about Abilify, for instance - otherwise known as DisAbilify - I got touched by someone who used that drug, and he didn't do it on purpose to hurt me, he was just being friendly, but within an hour after he touched my skin, I was overwhelmed by a panic attack so severe, I could not even read the items on my to-do list and follow my own instructions that I had written. I was at work when it happened, and I could not finish my job. It became impossible to work. So imagine if someone is on large doses of Abilify and has to quit. They would be totally incapacitated by the withdrawal effects, and then re-triggered by tiny leftover quantities on their clothing and belongings later on (which is something totally unknown to the mainstream public). The religion needs to support people who are sincerely trying to quit drugs without dying, murdering someone, or having some other disaster.

Today was a dangerous day. I learned things I never wanted to know.

Troubleshooting Weston Price: Bone marrow and fish eggs

(*6/21/11 Edit: This is one of my most popular posts, and it's very useful information that a lot of people are looking for.  However, most of the people looking for this are not looking for pages about electronic harassment - they just want to find out about the dangers and difficulties of using the Weston Price diet.  I actually want to write more about this in the future, because it's very important, but I have been busy and haven't had time lately, because it's actually a rather large project that I have in mind.  So if you read this, just ignore the descriptions of my experiences of electronic harassment - hearing voices, and the feeling of being controlled as a 'puppet' - because it is not connected to my observations and experiences of eating bone marrow and caviar.*)

(*Since the time when I wrote this, I have come to suspect that the fish eggs were hard to eat because they might contain 'amines.'  Amines are a category of chemicals.  They often occur in meats, especially meats that are not fresh.  Histamine is one type of amine, and it can cause you to experience the symptoms of an allergic reaction, such as feeling the need to vomit.  Amines might have caused some of my experiences that I wrote about here, but then again, I do not know what causes it, and it could be many things.  I still suspect it is a hormone of some kind.  The same thing happens to me when I smell blood, for instance, if a person has had an accident, or if I drive by a deer that has been killed on the road - I feel like I am going to faint.  Blood comes from bone marrow, so there is a connection between them, and whatever chemical it is in blood that causes people to faint, it is also in bone marrow.  So the vomit-inducing chemicals might be amines, or they might be something else entirely.*)

I can't talk without being controlled, and they are trying to write every single word that I say for me. So, this is not my blog post - it's someone else's. Other personas are in here.

I am trying new things to learn how to use the Weston Price diet. It's not really one diet, it's just a collection of observations about how primitive cultures ate, and so it's actually a wide variety of different diets.

Weston Price gave a general, overall view, but he did not explain lots of details, and he also did not give warnings or dangers. I would like to still follow the overall idea, as a guideline, but the details need troubleshooting, and those details can be extremely dangerous. Several of the books (not just Weston Price, but others associated with this movement) talk about eating bone marrow broth or using soup bones. I have never used them before and didn't grow up using them, so I haven't been familiar with what they do to you if you don't prepare them properly.

The first time I tried soup bones, months ago, I didn't eat a large amount. Instead, I took a knife, and ate a tiny pinpoint-sized fragment out of the marrow part of the bone, and I ate it raw. I'm not used to foods being 'medicinal.' I'm used to eating foods that don't cause any particular strong reaction. Bone marrow is not a food - it's a drug. It is in the 'medicinal' category of foods. You do not eat it by the mouthful. You eat it in pieces that are as small as the period at the end of this sentence, and even that might be too much.

I handled tobacco plants a couple of years ago and contaminated many of my belongings with transdermal tobacco residues. Whenever I hit a bit of that residue, I get a wake-me-up jolt feeling and something that feels like high blood pressure, which lasts for several hours. And that first time I handled the soup bones, I did, in fact, have some of the tobacco residue nearby, and I thought that I must have accidentally gotten it on my hands before eating the marrow, because the marrow triggered that same reaction. So I dismissed it as a contamination incident, instead of thinking it was the marrow itself. I have had other incidents where I ate something that had been sitting on a residue-contaminated area, and I accidentally ate some of the tobacco residue and almost got sick because of the strong reaction to it.

The discomfort was so unbearable, I had to go outside and take a walk for a couple of hours. I felt like I was going to die. But again, I thought it was just another residue contamination incident where I got some of the drugs on my food.

I tried beef bone marrow again today. This time I cooked it. Maybe I didn't cook it long enough - it might have to be cooked for a very long time to neutralize the hormones. I cooked it in water, trying to make a broth. Again, I ate a tiny pinpoint-sized fragment which was, maybe, an eighth of an inch long. I didn't have a bad reaction, and I ate a tiny bit more. I was being warned and cautioned by voices talking to me, telling me not to eat a lot of it, only a tiny bit, and to watch for the reaction.

It hits you after a couple minutes - less than five minutes. It doesn't happen right away. Maybe there are only a few specialized cells in there, and the rest of the bone marrow would be okay. Maybe only a few special areas produce the hormone. But it happened again. It gave me an intense, terrifying panic attack, and a wake-me-up effect, similar to tobacco. It's a tingling feeling of something flooding through your whole body.

Then, you feel the fear and pain of the animal being killed. You feel the trauma that it felt as it was dying, and you feel like you yourself are dying. I felt my eyebrows move into a facial expression of sadness and grief - it was involuntary - I felt my eyesight darkening as though I were about to die. I didn't actually feel physical pain. Instead I felt trauma. It was a feeling that something terrible and irreversible was happening to me, the feeling of death. Something terrible, so bad that it could not be undone.

Why does all this happen? Because the animal you are eating uses the same hormones, and has the same emotions, that you do. Every feeling you have ever felt, good and bad, exists somewhere inside the body of this animal. They all come from hormones and chemicals, and they all come from some particular part of the body. If you ate parts of the brain, you would feel the hormones and moods of the brain. I haven't tried it, but you would probably feel strange sensations of thinking somebody else's thoughts.

These warnings need to be given, because the diet talks about eating organs and bones of the animals, and using every part of the animal. They really do it, it's true. Primitive cultures really do use all the parts of the animal. But there are very strict rules about how they are prepared. I haven't successfully eaten bone marrow without this terrible reaction, but I think maybe you have to cook it for a very, very long time, and even so, it will still have a 'tonic' effect, a wake-you-up effect.

This is something horrible that you do not want to try. It is probably life-threatening.

I have also tried caviar a couple of times. I tried it a few weeks ago, but that night, I was already getting sick at my stomach before I ate it. I felt like I was coming down with a stomach virus already, that day, and I was sick while walking around the grocery store before I had eaten anything at all. So when I tried a tiny bit of caviar when I went home, I got sick for hours, and I thought it was just because I had already been sick. But I tried it again today, and it made me just as sick. If you eat a lot of it, it will cause vomiting. Again, it's not 'food,' it's 'medicine.' Like all other drugs, it has desired effects, and undesired effects.

A week or two after eating that tiny bit of caviar, last time, I ovulated, and I could tell that I was ovulating. It was different from my usual, thirty-something, winding-down, pre-menopausal feelings. I haven't ovulated quite so noticeably in a long time. I won't go into detail, but some strange and unusual things happened. The fish eggs are used for fertility, and even a tiny quantity of them actually works. But they will also make you vomit. You have to eat only a few eggs at a time.

It's been an hour ago at least, that I ate the bone marrow, yet I am still having occasional strange feelings from it.

Again, I am using Weston Price as a general guideline, but we need to remember that there are very strict rules to follow.  And I don't use metaphors, but I will use them here:  the path is very, very narrow and hard to find, and if you stray a tiny bit off the path, you will die.  You will die if you wander off the path in the woods into the rhododendron bushes, literally, and you will die if you wander off the path of instructions you must follow in how you prepare your food.  Again, I've never successfully eaten bone marrow without bad results, so I still don't know if there IS a safe way to eat it without having terrible feelings.  It is a hormone-producing part of the body that releases trauma signals if the animal is injured.  When you break bones open, something leaks out into the body, telling the animal that it is in terrible danger.  When you break bones open and eat them, you get that same hormone:  terrible trauma, danger, injury.  It is not fun and it is not enjoyable.  It's a 'bad trip.'  And it could be life-threatening.

Googling 'Yulia Tymoshenko "fake braid"' got me lots of long hair photos, but didn't answer my question

I'm fascinated with long hair and I noticed a picture of Yulia Tymoshenko (I've never heard of her before) wearing a long braid wrapped over her head. Fake braids are 'in.' I've been seeing them in the fashion magazines. They attach some fake hair and make it look a little bit loose and messy so that the braid seems less perfect and more realistic. They even make the braids get narrower towards the end, like real hair. One of the articles quoted the hair stylist, who explained about how the hair extensions worked. So I was wondering if Yulia's hair is fake. But it might actually be real.

REAL long hair can NEVER be 'in.' It's not possible to quickly grow really long hair temporarily, just as a fad, for a year or two when it's popular, and then go back to the usual shoulder-length hair. So they have to attach fake braids. These braids, in the fashion magazines, are right around waist length or hip length, called 'classic length,' which is a sort of average length that Caucasian people's hair usually grows before the hairs fall out and start over again. (Read in the encyclopedia about how hair grows and why it only reaches a certain length before it stops.)

My hair reached its fullest length and wouldn't grow any more, so I am experimenting with dreadlocks (or dredlocks? I'm not sure how to spell it) to see if they will let the disconnected hairs remain attached to the lock, and the whole lock will grow to infinite length, according to the theory.

I still don't know if her braid is real. I tried making my own braid go up over my head like that, but it obviously gets thinner and thinner. Hers is the same thickness the whole way around, which made it look suspicious. She might be one of those lucky people who is able to grow thick, floor-length hair, and the braid might be real.

That was why the rule says that people have to grow their hair long regardless of whether it's 'in' or not. It isn't just about having some particular image. There are a lot of meanings connected with the long hair. It's a sign of self-restraint, the ability to resist impulses, to remain committed to a long-term goal. It's also about following the rule regardless of what particular results you're able to achieve. For instance, a balding man has to follow the long hair rule, even though his hair won't grow very long and it will be fragile and thin. You do what you can, with what you have. He has to be able to tolerate standing side by side with another man whose hair is longer and thicker, and not get into a destructive competition against that man. You have to also tolerate the 'loss of uniqueness,' when you aren't allowed to choose your own hairstyle anymore, to make yourself look different or have a particular 'image.' If everybody else has long hair, you don't stand out in a crowd anymore. Instead, you're surrounded by dozens of people, many of whom have longer, healthier, prettier hair than you do.

It gets even more difficult when different races try to compete against each other - African coily hair doesn't grow as long as straight textured hair. It only grows for a couple of years before it falls off and starts over, which is why black people hardly ever have hair longer than shoulder length. It can grow longer if it is matted into locks. But it's physically impossible to expect a black person to grow floor-length hair loose, not matted into locks. And you have to tolerate these differences between what people are realistically able to do. So each person is simply doing whatever they themselves are able to do, nothing more.

One concern about growing long hair is that it's physically dangerous. You really can get your hair caught in machinery, like the conveyor belt where you put your groceries at the checkout lane, or the door of a car, or the rotating fan in a hot tub. I heard a horrible true story about a lady who drowned because her hair wrapped around the filter fan in the hot tub, so I take these dangers seriously. Sometimes it could kill you; other times it could just ruin your hair so badly that it has to be cut out, and you will be terribly humiliated when someone has to help you get unstuck from whatever you got stuck in. So if and when anybody starts to follow the grooming rules, they will need to learn how to pin up their hair for safety in certain situations.

I notice that the Amish always wear their hair in a bun, no matter what. I might reluctantly say we'd have to do that, but I really don't want to. Since nobody is following the rule yet, it will be a while before anybody needs to decide how to keep long hair safe from being tangled in things.

***

I still need to talk to my managers at work and make some kind of arrangement for how many hours I'm going to work. I was having the chest pains after lifting something heavy and carrying it up the stairs. I was working a reduced number of hours at McD and I was being careful not to exert myself too much, not to run around too quickly or lift heavy things. But I went downstairs and I carried up a big box with eight bags of sugar in it, for our sweet tea. After carrying it up the stairs, my chest was hurting again and it hurt for a little while after that.

I have a doctor's appointment, but I know that the doctor won't be able to help. Also, there are things I need to be prepared for, to protect myself: for instance, there will be absolutely NO diagnostic imaging that involves injecting radioactive substances into my bloodstream, or anything like that, and no X-rays, and lots of other diagnostic methods are too dangerous to use.

I'm guessing that the problem will go away whenever I patch up the plant-poisoning residues on the carpet and my clothes. The doctor wouldn't ever be able to figure out that my problems were caused by grayanotoxin residues on my carpets and clothing, because, of course, the entire mainstream USA doesn't know the slightest thing about transdermal drugs or poisonous plants or chemical sensitivity or environmental illness. I already know about how doctors can't help - I've been there before, years and years ago.

'Environmental illness' is the large overall category that includes things like transdermal drug residues. There is a model of what causes illness or health in general. Malnutrition, not getting enough of something you need, is one category; environmental illness, being sickened by chemicals or something else in your environment, is another category; microbes, like bacteria and viruses, are another category. Those are things that you can control during your lifetime. There is also a category of things you can't control: predisposition caused by some permanent problem in your body, some deformity or defect that you cannot change.

I'm running out of time here. I could connect again here at my new apartment and have unlimited time. But I don't really want to set up my own internet connection at home again, because I waste way too much time on the internet, just reading random things and wandering from place to place. It actually works better for me if my time is limited and I have to do other things, like read books instead.

Yeah, my email's getting intercepted

I had a big spike in the number of viewers on the blog, the day that I mentioned the blog in my advertisement, but I still haven't gotten emails except for the ones that have been changed to fake spam letters. I'm sure I would have gotten hate mail or something, anything at all, such as 'Who are you to create your own religion?' or 'What is this fad diet you're talking about? There's no scientific data supporting that,' or something. Not even a word of hate mail. I'd think people were curious or hostile or even just bored enough to send me a letter telling me what a moron I am, but no, not a word. Not a single word about 'Is this a joke?' or anything.

I missed the second meeting of the Order because of the snowstorm. I'm the only member attending the meeting, of course, and it's not really a meeting - it's just me giving people the opportunity to talk to me without getting their emails or phone calls intercepted by hackers. I don't have a meeting agenda or application forms for people to fill out or anything formal at all. I still need to do more hackerproof advertisements and communication methods - which means, pieces of paper hung up on bulletin boards in the real world. I wouldn't care so much if all the hackers did was snoop and read the email, but no, they have to intercept it and actually prevent me, or the other person, from getting it.

I am having a bad week. The chemical sensitivity problem is out of control and I think it's the reason why I'm having heart attack symptoms - temporary, transient heart attacks that happen occasionally, several times a day. I think it is caused by grayanotoxin poisoning. That began on the day when I was 'encouraged' to go take photos up-close of the rhododendrons in Black Moshannon, and I got the poison on the bottom of my shoes and tracked it into my car. But I'm pretty sure it also comes from other members of that family, and my new apartment has two plants, which I think are domesticated azaleas, and they are also poisonous. They are in a couple places beside the parking lot, and I have to walk right next to one in order to get in and out of the laundry room.

Why don't people know about transdermal poisoning? Why doesn't the mainstream culture know that the whole rhododendron family is poisonous? First, people are taught that the only way to be poisoned is by eating something. Since we have enough food in the grocery store, we don't usually go foraging, so nobody bothers teaching their kids to recognize and avoid the local poisonous plants. They know that the kids won't ever have any reason to go eating wild plants. And since eating is 'the only' way to get poisoned, we don't need to worry about knowing anything about them at all.

I searched on the net for 'heart attack' and 'rhododendrons.' There was one news article I found about a guy who dropped dead of a heart attack while judging the rhododendrons at a show of the Rhododendron Society, or something like that. They said, 'At least he died while doing something he loved.' I can't believe that they don't know he died BECAUSE of doing something he loved! Touching and handling any plants in the rhododendron family is suicidal.

Plant poison goes directly through the skin. You can get it by touching the plant or by walking next to the plant and getting it on your shoes. You can inhale the rhododendron poison if you drive past the plants in your car. When a hunter dies of a heart attack out in the woods, or when a seven year old cub scout dies suddenly of a heart attack while hiking in New Mexico (yes, I read some news article with something like that, but I might have the details wrong), it probably happens because they touched a poisonous plant next to the hiking trail and didn't know it. Out in the desert, it might be a species of Ephedra. Here in Pennsylvania, it's rhododendron that kills you.

So I have to patch up the parts of the carpet that have gotten contaminated, which means I will be laying down cardboard boxes all over the floor, and waiting until I can buy my own house, possibly a trailer or RV, where I can have vinyl floors instead of carpets, and I don't have to worry about landlords or handymen coming into the house and tracking stuff around because they don't know that I have certain areas where you can walk or where you can't.

I need to get in touch with the self-reliance people and the survivalists. I know that some of them are connected with Libertarians and other minarchist-anarchist groups. They know more about getting off the grid, living in an RV, and other things you can do to drastically reduce your rent payments. I agree with FSK and others who have argued that property taxes are just another type of rent paid to the government, for all practical purposes. I've had to cut my work hours because of the heart problem and I shouldn't have to work so many hours anyway just to pay my rent.

It would be very difficult for me to get a roommate when I have this contamination and chemical sensitivity. Still, I'm considering getting a roommate. That would reduce my rent, but not enough. It would help - I'd pay only about $200 instead of $400 (it's actually $415 right now - it went up) - but I'd like to cut it more than that, but it's illegal to put more people into a 'single' apartment even though it's a huge place and I could fit six people in there if they had a minimalist lifestyle without many belongings, or kept their belongings in storage. It violates the fire codes or something if you have too many people.

So anyhow, though, about the meetings, I'm not quitting, since I enjoy going and reading a book at Barnes & Noble for its own sake, and I usually do that on my days off. The official time is Tuesdays, 7:00 - 8:00 PM, at Barnes & Noble in State College, PA. Anybody who has experienced problems with telephones or email would be able to talk to me there. It's hard to approach a total stranger who seems to be absorbed in reading Harry Potter, but I can read the book anytime - it can wait. I might sit someplace else, maybe not next to the cafe, but I'll be in there someplace.

There will also be some ads written on paper hung up in physical locations around the area, but I haven't made those yet. I also need a web page where the details are written down neatly, so that people can go glance at it. I need a paper leaflet that can be handed out too.

I keep thinking about Diana Leafe Christian's books about intentional communities, about which ones fail and which ones succeed.

This doesn't involve any large amounts of money. The only money involved is the cost of transporting yourself to Barnes & Noble at that particular hour of the day, whether it's by bus or by car, and whether you have to take a day off work or change your schedule in order to get there. So I don't have the problem that the intentional communities have, where you need to find trustworthy people who will make payments on the land that they buy in your community, and hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake. I like to say, 'This is nothing.' There's nothing going on, except people talking about unusual topics that people don't usually talk about. I get voices in my head responding to the fact that I put up an advertisement for the Order. They were all excited about it, and also, uncertain - are we doing the right thing? So I keep saying, this is nothing. All we're doing is meeting people and talking.

I want to think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings without being controlled. I want to speak my own words, read a book without getting zapped and distracted, pay attention when I'm having a conversation with someone, interpret things the way I want to interpret them, look at the future and make my own plans, use my insight to understand the world, without being attacked. For that, I need some technical people who can advise me about how to build a shield - although the first prototype shields are just low-tech, cheap things that don't work very well - but in the long run there will have to be shielded rooms that actually work. People need someplace to go, temporarily, where they can't be attacked. They need someplace to sleep without having any dreams and without being woken up every hour or two and forced to remain awake after having had only a couple hours of sleep every day.

Working with someone to do routine chores

I got someone to help me at home every week, getting my laundry done so that I at least have clean uniforms for work, and he's also going to help me with cooking, but we haven't started that yet.

This is the worst time of year for moldy air. I have some here at this place, but nowhere near as bad as at the other apartment. The long-term solution is to get my own place - I would start with a trailer - so that I have control over it and I don't have to just put up with somebody else's building. It gets bad when I use any of the sinks - I think that a little bit of water drips down the pipes back inside the wall, and then moldy air blows up through the cracks where the pipes go into the walls. Again, though, it's NOTHING like the other place. I can tolerate being indoors here. But I want to open the windows. It's almost spring.

***

Weston Price: I finished the book. I'm now thinking about a restaurant called McWeston's (a trademark infringement) with a golden W as its logo. It's open 24 hours and it has not only a drive-thru, but also home delivery. It serves the Weston Price diet to people all over the world, with local variations in the menu. And I'm not entirely joking. I'd like to see something like that.

I found an answer to one of my questions. I had wondered if the father has to eat a special diet too, to prevent deformities in the children. They had an incident where an Eskimo woman married a mining engineer who ate a modern Western diet of canned foods, white flour, etc. The Eskimo woman was still eating her primitive diet. She had 26 children (yes, 26, that's not a typo) and never had cavities in her teeth. However, a few of her children had facial deformities. I would have to look at the book again for details.

I drew another conclusion from this. We might conclude two things:

1. The father has to eat the diet too, to make sure he does not have defective sperm. Some of the primitive cultures required the father to eat a special diet before having children.

2. Deformities can be caused by environmental illness, which affects the entire household. Chemicals might exist in modern houses that didn't exist in the primitive cultures that Weston Price studied. Even if you were eating the healthy diet, you could still be exposed to chemicals. It could be anything modern, such as heavy metals, or pesticides, or a million other things.

Weston Price focused on the idea of providing the right nourishment. But there is also the idea of protecting against dangerous chemicals or other things that can cause problems in spite of having good nourishment.

***

I hear someone at the library talking about the books, His Dark Materials, a trilogy starting with Northern Lights - it was called another name when the movie came out - the Golden Compass. I haven't read those books, but I did see the movie. 'Nothing less than free will is at stake.'

I am calling this religion a Free Will order, a religion concerned with issues of free will.