I went to Weis today and talked about my work schedule. I am still totally off work from there for now, until I can get some kind of message from a doctor. People either don't believe a word I say, or they take me way too seriously and blow something out of proportion when it's actually not that bad. I'm used to getting called a hypochondriac and having people not believe I'm really sick. This time, however, they believe that I'm on the brink of death and I might drop dead if I try to work. (I'm hard to please. Supposedly I should be grateful that they're taking me seriously.)
I'm going to a free clinic but I have to fill out paperwork to find out if I'm eligible. I'm a reluctant patient, I don't want to be there at all, and I'm only going because I have to. My goal is now the opposite of what it originally was. Originally, I thought that I had to save myself from getting fired for telling lies about being sick when I wasn't really sick, so I thought I would have to get the doctor to confirm that I was really sick. Now I've found out that I have to get the doctor to confirm that maybe I'm not deathly ill after all, so that I'll be allowed to work without anyone having a liability or getting sued if I accidentally drop dead while trying to work.
I am relatively sure that what I have is a type of arrhythmia. The heart is beating, but parts of it are beating out-of-sync with other parts. It's a long story, but I'm 'relatively sure,' again, that this is being triggered by exposure to rhododendron and azalea poison, and it probably wouldn't bother the average person, but it bothers me because of chemical sensitivity. I'm not in the mood to go into all the details on the rhododendron-azalea situation right now. Anyway, I observe heart palpitations, fluttering feelings, after touching contaminated areas or clothing; after that palpitation, I start to feel chest pain and poor circulation. It improves greatly if I get clean clothes and avoid contaminated carpets or other areas.
I went to this clinic yesterday. While sitting in the office being interviewed and filling out paperwork, I started to have an anxiety attack and felt my mood changing and getting out of control. This wasn't a surprise. Drug users go to doctor's offices and sit in their chairs. A drug user would have been sitting in the same chair I was sitting in, putting their arm on the table where my arm was resting, sweating drugs out through their skin where they would stay to eventually go through the skin of a chemical-sensitive, drug-avoiding person like me.
It felt like the drug might be DisAbilify. I started to get anxious about nothing. My tone of voice got out of control. I was trying very hard to be polite and nice, but my voice sounded angry and irritable and argumentative. I sounded stressed instead of calm. I could hear myself but there was nothing I could do to make my tone of voice sound better. As usual, I tried to apologize. I said I might sound like a reluctant patient because I didn't really want to be there, I was only there to make sure things were settled with my employer, and I had a lot of bad experiences with going to the doctor and would really rather not have to go. She said, 'That's okay. You just sounded like a "wise consumer" to me.' I was glad to hear that, because that's what I want to be: a wise consumer who chooses carefully whenever I need to receive medical services, instead of just blindly obeying what the doctors tell me, and expecting the doctor to do all the thinking.
After leaving, I had a restless feeling that wouldn't go away. Today I put on those same clothes again and I've got that exact same feeling. I can't decide what to do. I can't choose from among a million possible options. That's how microdoses of DisAbilify make me feel. I feel like I've urgently got to do something, but there are too many things to do.
This is why I hate buying coats. I bought a new coat in spite of myself. My microfleece cloak was getting lots of fuzzy gray lint in my dreadlocks, and it was only medium-warm. It was sort of difficult to wear since I had to safety-pin parts of it together in the right places. It was just an experiment anyway. I might not mind wearing a cloak but it would have to be well made.
So I had a new coat, a knee-length brown one with a hood, and it was very warm and practical and I loved it. However, it's already gotten contaminated. I'll try to wash it, but based on past experience, I know it might not wash out very well and I'll keep reacting to it. So I got a new coat. The new coat is shorter and less warm and less practical - but don't worry, I probably won't have this one very long either before it gets contaminated.
The enneagram type Four is usually trying to achieve some kind of 'image.' I can achieve an image based on what kind of coat I'm wearing, but then I quickly have to abandon that image whether I want to or not. During all this contamination over the past couple years, I've had to force myself NOT to get attached to any particular clothing-image or style because all the clothes are at risk and I might have to throw them away. Often, I'm wearing multiple layers of shirts that don't match each other. I get them for $0.29 at Goodwill. The most consistent image I've had is a Harry Potter image of 'Witch who's trying (and failing) to dress as a Muggle.' They describe the witches and wizards wearing odd clothing hastily thrown together that doesn't go together. That describes my Goodwill layers pretty well.
***
Text messaging incident occurred. I have been trying to develop a stable friendship with a particular person so that I wouldn't be worried about emails and phone calls getting intercepted. I still have not gotten past that problem yet. This is someone I'm attracted to but I can enjoy his company as just a friend. As of right now, I have only one friend (Peter) and one person who is an employee (housekeeper/cook) who is in the hospital right now after having visited me only two times and I haven't gotten a hold of him yet to find out what's going on. (He told me he was unemployed because of having blood clots developing in his lungs, so he was doing light work.) So that might count as having two friends. In other words, I am extremely isolated. Even just developing a casual friendship with somebody is a very big deal and it is hard to do.
All jobs are unstable. People can quit or get fired unexpectedly at any moment over nothing, without expecting it, and then they are permanently gone and you never see them again. I have had this happen dozens of times at many different jobs. I've been fired, quit, and laid off from job after job, and I've seen the same happen to my co-workers. So I am afraid of people getting disconnected from me if I have any feelings for them at all, whether it's friendship or attraction or anything at all beyond just being neutral.
'They' have pushed and encouraged me to make friends with this person, and I think my original policy would have been 'Don't even bother trying.' So sometimes I am being 'encouraged' to say something to him or write him something, and I am going along with it because I actually agree with the overall idea that, theoretically, there should be no harm in at least being friends with him.
I had written a while ago that I didn't have a 'socially acceptable way to contact this person.' If I cannot get some kind of consent to be friends, then it's a non-consenting, stalking behavior if you keep on trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you. As of right now, I don't have explicit permission to even be this person's friend (outside of work). As a desperate last resort, I finally asked his friend/co-worker if he could give me his phone number. He told me where it was written, and I copied it down. And no, I did not want to have to steal a phone number that way without asking, and I usually don't do things like that.
So anyway, I have sent a few text messages as of now. I explained how I got his number. I did not get any replies from him. Whenever this happens, I have no way to know whether he's trying to reply and I'm not receiving them, versus he isn't replying at all and doesn't want to reply and doesn't want me to be texting him. I want to know whether he's avoiding me on purpose, or whether I'm not receiving his messages, but so far, I haven't been able to spend enough time talking with him to find out. I would be perfectly happy to take 'no' for an answer, but I am unable to tell whether he's saying 'no,' or whether he's trying to communicate and the letters are getting hacked. This happens every time I try to make friends with a guy I'm attracted to. Then, the more I try to find out, the more freaked out they usually get. I just need a clear 'no' because I have so many problems with email and phone calls, but for some unknown reason, guys are not able to say 'no' to me. It has happened again and again, I try to get a guy to simply say 'no' and he absolutely cannot do it. This is very annoying and frustrating to me. Usually, it escalates into me being terrified that I will get accused of stalking, while simultaneously, 'THEY' start pushing and forcing me to continue trying to write to the person, in spite of that person not answering, and avoiding me, while also not saying any kind of clear 'no.' And if they give anything that resembles a 'no,' and I try very, very hard to take no for an answer, and leave that person alone, 'THEY' start forcing me to continue trying again to reach that person. (Mind-reading, mind-controlling, surveillance-using murderers tend to be the type of people who DO NOT take 'no' for an answer from anyone. Respecting people's boundaries and taking no for an answer is unimaginable to them.)
I got something resembling a 'no' whenever they were forcing me to do this to Martin, last year. I gave him a handwritten letter. The letter assumed that all of my emails had never been received at all, as a worst-case scenario. I assumed he knew nothing, so I explained it all from the beginning in the handwritten letter, including how my emails are getting hacked and so on. He gave me a letter back, and I tried very hard to understand what it meant, but even now I still don't understand it. It was brief and confusing and it didn't answer much of anything I had written. But it vaguely, almost, kind of sounded like 'no,' so I took no for an answer and I continued to fight against the murderers who were trying to force me to stalk him.
I make a couple of assumptions. First, we are both 'puppets' being physically attacked and controlled and prevented from telling the truth to each other. It's tempting to blame him and think he's responsible for his actions, but actually, I think he can't help it that he's unable to speak to me. I'm assuming that same thing with the person who I've recently been texting, that whatever is going on, it's not his fault. It's possible to force somebody to blurt something out while they're talking, and it's also possible to freeze them up so that they're so terrified, they can't even speak or say anything at all, and bombard their brain with garbage so that they can't even think, to prevent people from talking. I've experienced both, so I assume that the same thing happens to the people I'm trying to make friends with, who can't communicate back to me either to say yes or no or anything at all.
Well, a couple days ago it was late in the evening. I don't send messages late in the evening because someone could be asleep. I know I am forced to make a phone call or send a text at the most inconvenient moment possible. The phone will beep or make a noise and it will catch someone at the wrong moment. I am not doing this on purpose. Whenever they force me to do things, it is ALWAYS the worst possible moment. I think that happened.
I started hearing a voice saying 'direct threat, direct threat.' I then felt a strong urge to send this person a text. Suddenly, I was free to break something which had been taboo: I wasn't allowed to ask the question, 'Are you getting my messages? If so, send something back to me.' I was physically prevented from asking this question. All that I managed to ask, so far, was, 'did you get a message from me?' when I saw him in person, and he said yes. This was in spite of great difficulty where I was barely able to talk, and he was in a big hurry to leave and he couldn't talk either.
So all of a sudden, I was 'able' to ask him to text me back to test whether he was getting any messages or not, and whether I could get his. I thought that I myself was being a 'direct threat' somehow, which was how I interpreted the voice I was hearing. After I texted him, I immediately got a reply from someone asking 'Who is this?' I answered, and thanked them for replying. They said 'OIC,' and then I said I didn't need to text anymore tonight. He probably wouldn't need to ask who I am, since he's already seen a few messages from me.
So after this happened, I had to interpret what I had been forced to do. Apparently somebody else picked up his phone and answered it. It could have been either his girlfriend (semi-girlfriend, on-and-off girlfriend, or whatever she might be called: she is still part of his life, but they have a difficult and unstable relationship), or family member, or someone else. I don't know who.
I was then hearing voices and getting 'ideas' from them that he was with his girlfriend, and I was supposed to be all jealous and threatened about this, and that I was supposed to be competitive and I must prevent them from getting together. This is not me. I do feel jealous of her, but at the same time, I am not going to DO things to interfere with their relationship, and I am only asking for his friendship. I'm assuming that he will probably be with her for a long time and that it will probably continue to be a stressful relationship with fighting and whatever other problems they have. That's the same kind of relationship I had with Terry whenever I was with him in high school. I know how it is. So if I caused them to have an argument, that is NOT what I want to do, and I did NOT do that on purpose, knowing ahead of time that she (or somebody else) would pick up his phone and text me back.
My idea of what kind of friendship I would try to achieve: Just spending time together getting to know each other - talking, maybe taking a walk someplace, or going to a movie, or being with him and other friends of his at the same time if that was what he wanted to do. I would have to meet his family, which would be awkward but necessary. We would do simple, ordinary things where people just 'get used to' each other. Also, because of my own work schedule (which has been drastically reduced for now, which is why I'm spending all my time blogging) and my own sicknesses and difficulties, I wouldn't spend a huge amount of time with him, but I would schedule a limited amount of time and make sure to follow that schedule regularly. Making friends with somebody, on purpose, is like a duty you have to fulfill, an obligation. If you are really friends with someone, you need to see them regularly and consistently. This is something important that I have to learn how to do, especially if I am going to raise children. For my own children I will need to be reliable and consistent. I have to do the same thing with friends. I have been extremely antisocial for years - not really by choice - and the few times I've tried to connect with people it has been almost impossible just trying to communicate at all. So I still have to learn the most basic things about what to do with friends.
I think that's most of it. I will think of more stuff later, I'm sure, as soon as I log out.
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