napster memory

i just had a sad, nostalgic flashback. i felt like i was on napster again. a friend sent me a bunch of photographs attached to an email, because she doesn't have a web page to put them on, and i had to download them all. i was looking at the downloads all going at once, for sue's pictures, all these progress bars going across at one time. that's how napster used to be.

i used to have a cable modem, and also, a whole bunch of napster songs, before i deleted them all whenever i formatted the hard drive thinking that i could get rid of the computer virus once and for all, and that it was a one-time thing that would never come back. i sacrificed all those songs because i didn't have any large storage for them, like a zip drive or cd burner. and i didn't have a second hard drive at the time either.

downloading music was ... very happy. that's been missing from my life, again. i went a very long time without music in my life. then i got the internet and napster and also mp3.com (which went bankrupt), where i discovered homemade electronic music. and also on the internet i discovered programs where i could write that kind of music myself. music that wasn't on the radio. i even found songs from tv commercials that i liked (i found 'always coca-cola,' that song, on napster).

watching progress bars was what it meant to use napster. being excited about when enough of the song would have loaded so that i could listen to most of it. the songs were great, i could choose exactly what i wanted instead of getting one big cd with a whole bunch of garbage and only one song i ever listened to. and i could listen easily to only the songs i liked the most. ... that has been gone for a while now. somehow, while i love soundclick, i haven't found as many great songs on it as i found on mp3.com - i don't know why. i think it's partly because of how hard it is to search for songs while using dialup, and i went to soundclick during the time period when i gave up cable/dsl and switched to dialup. i'm not sure i'm willing to pay for those, because they are extremely unreliable and always getting hacked, much worse than dialup. i remember we'd have 'internet storms' where the internet would be inaccessible for hours, and you'd call the cable company, and their automated answering system would have lists of regions where they already knew that the cable internet was down. this was a weekly, commonplace event, happening all the time.

downloading mp3s on dialup is not much fun. i have tried it occasionally. the slow-loading web pages don't help, either, with all their ads and graphics and clutter.

i haven't decided how to deal with the music-downloading addiction phenomenon. i am asking questions about what activities i would give up, in order to have things that i value more. and i've said that i don't intend to 'become amish,' but i do want to give up a lot of things that cost money and time, in order to have children and to have a real relationship with them, and with other people, and to have things that are more important in the long run. i don't want to be anti-music; but i need to find some way to deal with the music addiction problem. it's very commonplace for people to have thousands and thousands of songs and movies that they've downloaded - my brother did that, and he was still using old-fashioned cassettes back then, not downloading.

there has to be some limit on just how much time you spend downloading and listening to music, whenever you've chosen to have a family and real human beings in your life, and when money, and time, has to be spent carefully. i remember how much time i spent on that hobby back whenever i was collecting music, and it was a lot of time. as i'm planning for a family, i am becoming much more religious-minded and wondering about all the things that i might have to give up, or won't have the time or the money to do. but i've never intended to give up music. i'm just not sure what i will do with music, to have it in my life, to make sure that it's GOOD music (instead of just listening to the radio), and yet not to spend too much time on it when i have other things to do. it really was addictive, and the number of available songs is infinite.

i will be healthier when i leave this apartment.

i'm looking forward to moving out of this apartment, even though i love it here and don't want to leave the duckpond. what am i looking forward to: not being sick all the time.

sometimes when i talk about being sick, i get voices who make it sound as though ALL of my problems are caused by attacks and are artificial. however, 'they' are NOT omnipotent. they don't control every molecule in the universe. people get sick, for random reasons having nothing to do with 'them.' my recurring illnesses are the unfortunate result of being chemical sensitive all of my life.

i've had more death threat voices than usual in the past couple days, people jumping on the bandwagon, since i commented about haldir of lorien. i usually ignore them. TIs get death threats all the time, like dobby the house elf getting death threats three times a day or whatever he says. my rationale is: if they intended to kill me, they would be able to just push a button on some device and make me stop breathing or make my heart stop beating or make some blood vessel hemorrage or something. if they were going to kill me, they would do it, and there isn't anything i can do about it. i assume that they gain more by not killing me.

once i've moved out and am no longer severely sick all the time, i will be able to do more things - although i won't be able to do as much as other people can do so easily. i'll never be one of those extremely healthy people who wakes up at 4 am and accomplishes 100 productive tasks and falls asleep at 12 pm only to get up at 4 am the next day and do all of it again. for me, focus is important, due to my lack of energy, so i must focus on one or two projects of the highest priority, and skip all of the other things that i wish i could be doing.

but right now, with the clothing contamination continuing, and the moldy air in here, i still don't have any energy. there are so many things i wish i could do, but merely getting up out of bed and going to work is usually the only thing that i can get done. i can't even cook for myself and i have to buy fast food instead.

in addition to that, i've been switched to 'distrustful' towards everybody, and don't want to associate with any of the guys who i met when i was in the 'meet people and try dating' phase. i've been feeling totally disgusted with all men. i know that's not fair, and it isn't really ALL men, but it's any men who express the slightest sexual interest towards me. i should be specific and say that the men who are actively expressing interest in me also happen to be quite unattractive to me. and since i am too exhausted and overwhelmed with moving out, i haven't been able to refocus my efforts to meet people - i have thought of trying other methods, like going to a church, to try to meet new people in this town. i also need to spend the effort of clarifying, in writing, the exact things that i am seeking, which requires me to go someplace more quiet, and less toxic, where i can think, because i can't think very well in this apartment.

writing a blog is the easiest thing to do when i don't have any energy.

How I Got Where I Am Now; Who Joins Communities

Today I went to the park, and just rested in my car seat. I felt like taking a nap, but I wanted to see what would happen if I took a nap someplace else instead of in the still-moldy apartment. I've kept the windows open, and the air is much better than it was in the winter, but it's still not really healthy in here. I've been apartment hunting, but haven't made much progress yet. But at least I've started.

I didn't fall asleep, but I lay there meditating and thinking for a while. (The grammar people might get me for 'lay,' since I'm not sure how to use the past tense and all that. Did I lie down, or lay something down? In the past or the present? Oh well. Then the discussion will get into what exactly I mean by 'lay,' and it will end up in the gutter. After noticing that, the phrase 'laid off' became a problem too.) I actually felt much better after resting in the car even though I didn't fall asleep, since the air was fresher there.

While meditating, I was looking for my target audience. I had read an interesting article about communities at http://www.ic.org/pnp/culturediversity.php. There's a long way to go before I start a real permanent community - it's easier to start informal, temporary groups of people for a purpose, but people can easily leave whenever they want. But I still want to think now about what kind of permanent community (one that owns land) I would like to create. I value racial diversity, but from everything I've read about intentional communities, they usually attract educated, white, wealthy liberals, and not much else. There are reasons why. (By the way, I WON'T be sending my children to college. I'll talk about that later.)

That article talked about 'white people.' There are some negative stereotypes of white people. I agree with some of them. (I grew up in an all-white community, which had only one black man, by himself, in the whole neighborhood. My school was the same way - hundreds of white kids, and ONE black kid who was there for a year or two. I did not grow up with racial diversity.) There are reasons why 'white people' are the way they are. Lack of community is one reason. Other ethnic groups and immigrants tend to have larger, extended families that stay together. Caucasians in the USA tend to send children off to college, and they might never return to their original home. Then they start a small, nuclear family, with two kids, and no other relatives nearby, because they live in whatever place has offered them a job after college.

So I looked at the pattern today. People go through high school, then graduate. Some of them go away to college, but they all go to different colleges, not the same ones. They go to college because they believe that a college degree guarantees they will have job security forever, and will have a chance to become more wealthy, and to get more enjoyable jobs (like computer programming instead of floor-mopping). A few people stay home in the place where they grew up. They might get training at a vocational school, or they get a high school diploma, and get a job locally.

Some graduate from college, and then get a job either near the college, in the college, or some random place which might be far away, in yet another town where they've never lived. So, many people from high school leave and then scatter across the world. Some people stay, some people return to their home town, but not everybody.

I've decided that college doesn't guarantee job security in a collapsing economy where almost EVERYBODY gets laid off every couple years, or else they could only find jobs that were intended to be temporary from the beginning (this was named 'the gig economy' in an article I read). Businesses go bankrupt, new businesses start up, and then they go bankrupt too. College puts you tens (or hundreds) of thousands of dollars in debt. Then you are trying to pay off your debt, and also your new house, and your car, and then you get laid off - and maybe you've just started a family and had some kids. This is not a stable, secure lifestyle.

I am not quite in the 'stayed home' category, and I'm not in the 'college graduate' category. I went to college, but dropped out. I'm intelligent enough to succeed at school, but there were a few problems. I was chronically ill - I had sleep apnea and chronic fatigue even when I was younger, but I didn't have a name for it back then. I am food-sensitive and chemical-sensitive ADHD. And on top of that, I was probably being attacked back then, but didn't know it.

And I was disappointed with college - I felt as though they weren't teaching me anything useful, anything directly applicable to jobs. It would be all right to learn abstract theories, if the abstract theories were actually TRUE and ACCURATE, but it turns out that they were teaching me a lot of garbage there, too (economics, for instance, was all John Maynard Keynes, and nothing else, no Ludwig von Mises or any others advocating 'sound money.' Back then, I had not read a lot of the books I've read now, so I could only vaguely explain 'something seems wrong with this,' but I didn't know what. A lot of people feel that way in college, but they don't know how to describe it except 'this is nothing like the real world.')

So I ended up in State College because I needed a place to live after dropping out of college. I stayed at my brother's apartment for a while, since he had been going to Penn State, before he moved away. Then I went into grocery store and fast food jobs. Those jobs don't last forever either, and I've had problems keeping a job for a long time, usually because of illnesses.

I noticed that my friend Peter has almost exactly the same life pattern. He didn't grow up here. I think he was from New York originally, but I forget - I'd have to ask him which place he lived first, because he's lived a couple places. He also has a chronic illness, was disillusioned with school, dropped out, lived in several different places, and has had a hard time getting and keeping a job due to his illness.

Going to college seems to be the main reason why 'white people' don't stay together and get a sense of community. Some people do stay in their home towns, but lots of them leave. 'Nonwhite people' are also going to college and leaving their hometowns, but I am referring to the groups of immigrants and other people they talked about in that article, where other cultures tend to have extended families and they stay together. I can't explain it now, because it's starting to sound as though I'm saying that only white people go to college, and that's not what I'm saying. You'd have to read the article to get a better explanation. I'm thinking of places where a whole section of the city is some particular ethnic group, and they all know each other, and work together, and sell things locally, and perhaps speak a different language, and have interrelated families.

But it really is true that for some reason, only college-educated, wealthy white people seem to be interested in forming certain kinds of intentional communities, and I wanted to know why. And I agree with the criticisms of those communities. I'm anti-vegetarian, after thinking really carefully about it and researching it over a period of years - I actively oppose vegetarianism. (What I mean is, I don't go around arguing with vegetarians, but rather, I have a strong opinion about it, and I will REQUIRE an omnivorous diet as part of my lifestyle for me and my children.) Many of the nonwhite ethnic groups were not comfortable about switching to vegan/vegetarian diets to live in some of the ecovillages that require it. I also have read Julian Simon, and so I disagree with a lot of 'environmentalist' beliefs and practices. I am not all that interested in building my house out of recycled plastic, for instance. In fact, after what I've experienced with my white plastic dental fillings, I'd like to stay as far away from plastic as I can. Sometimes I kind of cringe uncomfortably, thinking of how some people are trying very hard to be environmentally moral and ethical, but I don't think they're doing anything good, they're just entertaining themselves - building houses out of recycled plastic is one of those things that seems to be good-intentioned but not useful or helpful.

It also occurred to me that I stopped celebrating Christmas. One complaint about Christmas, in 'The Trouble With Christmas,' was that other ethnic groups and other religions do not want to be surrounded by Christmas for a whole month and to be forced to join in and see it and hear it everywhere. Christmas is usually the 'one little thing' that people can't bear to give up. They just cannot bear to stop celebrating Christmas completely. They might cut back a little, or a lot, and not give hundreds of dollars of gifts, putting their credit cards into debt for the next several months - some people are able to reduce their Christmas spending, but don't want to stop altogether. So, that would be important if it were a spiritual or religious intentional community, and nonwhite, non-American ethnic groups were expected to celebrate holidays together with Christmas-celebrating Americans.

So I was looking at myself and why I don't fit in to this community - the existing local community, the 'everybody' community, this local place, State College PA. My beliefs and lifestyle are drastically different from those of almost everyone I know, but they are also drastically different from the beliefs of the people from my original community back home. So I don't have anyplace on earth where a whole lot of people living in one location all agree with my most important beliefs. (People will never agree about every detail, but they can agree about the most important things.) So I was thinking about how to find and communicate with like-minded people, and they will be people who don't feel connected with their home community, people who might have been college educated (but maybe not), people who are frustrated with voting, the media, the educational system, the money system, businesses... there are lots of things going wrong in modern culture.

If you want a feeling of control over your life, then you can build your own intentional community, or join an existing one, where you can be near people who agree with you, and you can participate in decisions that affect you locally. You won't have to get all worked up over a vote, only to find that your side loses again and again, with a 49%/51% close race. Or, your side wins, but nothing changes anyway. (Or, you could be voting for somebody who only gets 0.5% of the vote. Yippee.) We still can't do anything about national laws, like the income tax. But you can control local decisions and local community rules.

So I understand a little bit more about who tends to join intentional communities and why. If you want to attract particular target audiences, you have to offer them something they don't already have. They might give up something in exchange for living in an intentional community, but they gain something which is worth much more.

I am totally disgusted with all enneagram type eights right now.

Just about everything bad going on in my life, which has to do with criminal activity, harassment, cruelty, and just about every other pathetic and rotten thing that humans can do to each other, is from the type eights that I know.  It would be nice to see a HEALTHY type eight once in a while, doing good for the world, instead of scumbags, hackers, peeping toms, 'perps,' thieves, and everything else that the eights I know are doing.  Dishonesty, secrecy, sneakiness, cowardice, malice, and everything else.  I am disgusted with all of them, and it seems that I know several of them, and I am not at all happy with any of them right now.  As a group, and as individual people.

I would like to see a few people choose honest communication instead of cowardly avoidance, and choose self-improvement and making the world a better place, instead of stagnation and peeping-tom style entertainment for decades at a time, doing nothing useful with their lives.

Haldir of Lorien goes 'ick', then dies shortly afterwards

i'm going to warn everyone, this is a VERY negative blog today. i might have been drugged, or i might just be sick and in a bad mood. i might have a contaminant on me from something.

eric and i used to joke about how, in the movies, you can sometimes predict which characters are going to die. in horror movies, the characters usually commit some kind of 'sin' before dying. that way, you don't feel as bad about seeing them die. but you don't like to see the really good, likeable characters die. it even happened in the matrix, when mouse got killed shortly after he was seen looking at the picture of the woman in the red dress. in horror movies, 'sinful sex' is often the thing happening shortly before a character is killed. if anybody does anything 'wrong' or dislikeable, you can predict that they are about to die in the movie. 'oh well, they were a jerk anyway,' you say when the character dies.

it happened in the lord of the rings, which i watched recently. i don't know what happened in the book (it's been a while since i read it), but i have a feeling that the movie added a little bit of artistic interpretation when they portrayed haldir of lorien. (i think it's haldir and not 'haldor' - i might check the spelling first.)

aragorn said 'you are most welcome' and hugged haldir with gratitude for coming to helm's deep. and haldir's hands were stiff and he seemed shocked or distasteful about being hugged by aragorn. shortly after that, he died. most people watching the movie would say something like, 'oh, come on, loosen up and relax a little.' by that time, everyone is fond of aragorn, and they think haldir is just being snooty and snobby.

i have sympathy for haldir having an involuntary 'ick' response to hugging someone. i've experienced 1. mange, and 2. transdermal chemical or drug contamination, from hugging people. (they called it 'cooties' when we were children, and people interpreted cooties as 'lice', but i interpret them as mange or scabies.)  mange is not just a nuisance to me, not just a discomfort - it actually causes big, infected scratches and scars all over my skin.

i've been forced awake, a couple hours ago, and people are asking me questions about dennis. about what's wrong with him, about why i have very negative feelings about him.

he came into work yesterday and asked me why i wasn't using the laptop he sold me (for a low price). he didn't SAY this out loud, but, i draw the conclusion that this is because i went to the library to upload videos, instead of using the laptop at a wireless connection, which is what i told him i intended to do with it.

my reaction to this is a feeling of ever-increasing irritation and annoyance. why the hell do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' right now? why do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' about uploading a couple of videos? i'm putting negative words on that - i usually describe it as, wanting to be anonymous. the laptop and wireless connection is for sometime in the future if and when i need to be online anonymously. i am nowhere near ready for that project, and i have much more urgent things to worry about right now.

i would want to be online anonymously if i wanted to avoid: people who AREN'T surveilling and following me physically as i go places, but who are still capable of hacking or observing what computer i'm using. that is a specific group of people. people who are ONLY hacking some computers, but aren't yet able to follow me everywhere i go, hacking into videocameras or whatever else they would need to do, or using an unknown method to follow me.

it's not only that, it's also, if i want to use a computer that doesn't have the particular viruses on it that mine inevitably has. the wireless laptop will get 'mostly anonymous and unconscious' viruses instead of spyware directed at me personally. it will get whatever spyware is sent to me from the people who follow me around physically. those things are 'slightly more difficult' to do. it is slightly more difficult to watch where i drive my car, and then send some spyware to the wireless connection i use at some public place. (or force me to get the idea to go to a particular location which has been chosen for me in advance.)

i was impatient and annoyed about the whole idea of that. why on earth would i NEED to use the laptop and wireless connection right now? i have an urgent need to move out of this apartment, and that's all i'm worried about. 'being secretive and sneaky' is very, very low on my priority list. using the library computers is sufficient. uploading the videos is 'entertainment only' and doesn't require being sneaky.

i mentioned a few days ago about how i got contaminated with an unknown drug or chemical when dennis hugged me while i was wearing my brand new uniform. it was a very brief hug. because of that, i am going to have to avoid hugging him AT ALL even though i originally believed it ought to be okay to give someone a friendly hug. i was trying to convince myself that maybe it would be okay, as long as i wasn't in uniform. but i am starting to think it isn't even okay when i am wearing my normal clothes. his contaminant is so bad, it affects my mood, it makes me depressed, it makes me angry and irritable, it makes me nauseated, and based on past experience, i know that contaminants do not wash out in the laundry, but instead spread around to the entire clothing instead of being removed.

i am having intense negative reactions merely at the sight of him or the thought of him. when i see him walking into the store, i get annoyed and irritated about his slow movement and his zombielike stare. i get irritated at the sight of him and everything about him. when he was talking to me, i started to get nauseated (faintly) even though i was a few feet away from him - probably because he had been chewing tobacco.

i am not even trying to 'boss him around' and tell him what he needs to do. this is because i ALREADY KNOW that he will NEVER do the things that i believe he needs to do. i am going to be very harsh and very blunt. it is cruel, and cold, and that's why i don't want to say it to him.

he can choose to follow MY standards, or he can choose to follow the 'mainstream USA' standard of dress and appearance, in order to attract mainstream women (or he can choose some other standard, neither of the above).

for the mainstream standard, it means he will have to shave his beard, lose weight, take showers every day, stop smelling like kerosene and tobacco, choose different clothing, and get rid of his camouflage baseball cap. (*Note. 'Losing Weight' is not at all easy to do. I do not know how to do it. When I have more time, I am interested in researching obesity, what causes it, and how to reduce it. I've already done a little bit of reading on this subject, but I still do not know of a reliable way to lose weight. I view obesity as the result of some other health problem, something complicated, and I say that it is not the person's fault. However, I mention it here because 'lose weight' is part of the mainstream USA recommendations, regardless of whether I agree or disagree.*)

i *HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE* baseball caps. i am so sick of seeing gaudy, ugly, multi-colored, patterned, or ugly-colored baseball caps ON EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE I GO. i can't stand them. and it's not only the color, it's also the shape. i can't stand the shape either, even if the colors aren't bad. i have said this before in my blog.

i understand that people want to wear hats to prevent their baldness from sunburning. this is a legitimate thing to be doing. pale-skinned people will burn on top of their heads, sometimes even if they still have hair. dennis is bald on top of his head, so i can understand that maybe he wants to wear some kind of hat to prevent sunburn.

however, he wears his baseball cap pulled down low over his face, over his eyes, in the 'i'm hiding my face deliberately' style. he's following the 'i don't want anyone to see me' standard of dress. this is something that mainstream USA disapproves of, if you are interested in attracting women. he also has a thick beard, which, once again, in the mainstream world, represents the 'i'm hiding from everyone and i don't want anyone to see my face' standard of dress. (in my natural grooming standards, a long beard is required (for ethnic groups that grow beards), and it does not indicate hiding or secrecy.)

he also wears glasses, which hide the emotions expressed by the eyes. i don't feel quite comfortable about contact lenses, so i accept that people need to wear glasses in order to see. (*note: 'energy saver' light bulbs destroy your eyes. they are extremely bad for you. some of them are better than others. but i, and other people, notice my eyes burning very badly after i have spent some time near energy saver bulbs. i can't read a book while sitting in barnes and noble, or in many other public restaurants and stores, if they're brightly lit with energy saving fluorescents. when i walk away, my vision is blurry for hours. if you want to make your eyesight worse, use those bulbs.*) however, wearing glasses, in combination with a baseball cap pulled low over your eyes, and a thick beard, is all about hiding your face from everybody, according to the mainstream point of view.

i actually prefer an amish straw hat over a mainstream USA baseball cap. i prefer hats that do not have patterns or mixed colors on them. something simple. i tend to like hats that have a brim all the way around, not just in the front. i tolerate fedora-type hats better than baseball caps. fedoras were a fashion fad not too long ago, but they didn't catch on, and baseball caps still rule.

i don't know why i dislike those things, but i do. i would prefer no hats at all. (this is all from the voices interrogating me about what i like or dislike about people's appearance.) but whenever i am forced to tolerate people wearing hats at all, there are some things i like more than others.

avoiding gaudy patterns: this is one reason why the amish chose to have all of their clothing simple and plain, because whenever you allow people to choose patterns and colors, they will always go down the 'slippery slope' and eventually you will live in a society full of people choosing the ugliest, most gaudy colors and patterns imaginable, which is what we have now. foreign people complain about the stereotypical badly-dressed american tourists. bad taste in clothing is something which is being frequently complained about, with regard to americans. i think this is a legitimate grievance. the stereotype is true.

in the usa, people think that having the right to choose gaudy, hideous clothing is a way of 'having more freedom.' and if they are asked to obey any standards at all, they see it as an infringement of their freedom. the freedom to dress really, really badly, all of the time, is a freedom that americans seem to value a lot. (yes, i have been interrogated about why i am so disgusted with mainstream society, why i hate television and fashion and all that.) they become indignant if you talk about possibly expecting them to dress better, or dress a certain way, or obey a standard, in their daily life (not just at the workplace).

i look at the amish people, and when i see them, i am never offended by their appearance. i don't want to be amish, nor am i creating a community based on the amish, but instead it is an intentional community that might be described as a 'reform' of various groups and beliefs, taking the good things from them, and getting rid of the bad things. not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. and not necessarily 'good or bad,' but rather, things that i like or dislike. some of it is subjective opinion and personal preference. i say that i am 'not offended' by the amish appearance - they don't look gaudy and awful to me - but i would ask that my community will disobey the bible with regard to long-haired men. the amish still keep men's hair short.

so, that is what dennis needs to do for his mainstream makeover. i am not asking him to do that.

MY makeover is much more difficult. it is a chemical-sensitivity, decontamination, health-improvement, natural grooming, changing-your-belief-systems makeover. and i *KNOW* that he will never, ever, in a million years, even BEGIN to do such a makeover. i am definitely not asking him to do my kind of makeover.

my so-called makeover requires dennis to do these things:

decontaminate himself. he, and everything he owns, is covered with unknown chemicals, including kerosene, tobacco, and possibly colloidal silver, and possibly something else unknown. these chemicals go through the skin, causing me to feel depressed, irritated, angry, nauseated, hopeless, tired, and slow-moving. dennis himself is slow-moving, zombielike, and apathetic about achievement and self-improvement, and i am guessing that he, too, is sick from his own chemicals, whatever they are, whether he knows it or not.

to decontaminate, he will have to do the same impossible, awful, traumatic, expensive things that i myself have done. i already know about contamination, but with me, it was a life-threatening poison that could not be removed, and i was willing to do drastic things to get rid of it. you CAN'T clean poisonous chemicals off of clothing. dennis must throw in the garbage every item of clothing he owns, because ALL of it is covered with tobacco and the smell of kerosene, and something unknown.

he must leave his trailer. it uses kerosene fuel for heating, and propane gas for the stove. to be healthy, and to avoid inhaling fumes, and to avoid smelling horrible, you cannot live in a house that uses fossil fuels. he has to go someplace that doesn't use those things. can you imagine me asking dennis to move out of his trailer? do you see why i don't even bother asking him to do the things i wish he would do?

he will have to get rid of a lot of his belongings. even things like his computers are covered with an unknown chemical, and the kerosene smell. i know it because it's on all of the computer equipment he's given me, including the laptop. all of those things smell like kerosene, and when i touch them, i get hit with some drug or chemical through the skin. he would have to wash every inch of every object thoroughly, and avoid recontaminating them afterwards, which means they could not stay in the kerosene-smelling trailer. again, do you see why i don't bother asking him to do this?

(i am adding this paragraph because 'the voices told me to.' they wanted me to talk more about the subject of weight loss. i actually wasn't even going to say this, originally.) i do not know how to advise him how to lose weight, because as i said above, weight loss is extremely difficult. it's something i've been interested in for a long time, and i've done some reading, but i can't advise anybody about it. so i don't necessarily ask him to lose weight. however, i'd ask him to change his diet, because there might be food sensitivities or other nutritional problems. so i would ask him to improve his nutrition, and his overall health. his food wasn't that bad, when i ate over there - what i mean is, i don't have a lot to complain about with how he eats. i liked his food and it was a good meal, and i appreciated it (i apologized to him several times about the fact that i can't stand to be in his trailer with the sickening fumes). i don't see any connection between the food he eats, versus how much he weighs. he doesn't overeat. he doesn't eat a lot. he didn't eat significantly more than i do. therefore, i say that his being overweight is caused by an unknown health problem that i cannot explain.

to follow my natural grooming standards, he would have to do the things i describe on the page about growing long hair. those are extreme and unusual things to do, and they are not for everyone. i am not asking him to do that. that is only for people who are joining my intentional community, which doesn't exist yet.

and this is where my 'being blunt' becomes 'being EVEN MORE blunt.' after doing all of those things, I STILL won't have sex with him! he could do all of the things i tell him to do, but i still don't want to have sex with him. he would have to obey all of those rules, only to find that after all of that effort, he still wasn't getting any sex. instead, i would be hoping that SOME OTHER woman would love him, marry him, and have sex with him - BUT *NOT ME*.

that is why i said he could choose the mainstream usa standard, instead of my standards. mainstream usa won't ask him to throw away all of his belongings and his clothing. most normal women won't realize that there is any chemical or drug contaminating all of his belongings - only a minority of people will notice that. so he can get away with maybe just cleaning up and not smelling like kerosene anymore and not chewing tobacco. and he can also get away with not losing weight, especially because he isn't severely overweight. however, he will have to (being even more blunt, here) go find a woman who would be viewed as un-attractive. not me. somebody else.

and again, i have been awakened at three in the morning and interrogated by voices, at a time when my stomach is burning and i feel very sick and i am in a very bad mood. and i've been getting more and more annoyed with dennis, over the past few weeks, because i KNOW that he will NOT do the things that i wish he would do to improve his health, improve his life, and improve his chances of finding a woman to marry, or to at least have sex with. i TRIED to give him what i thought was a basic level of human kindness, i tried to make myself willing to just give him a hug, just a minimum of human contact, but it turns out that i cannot even stand to touch him, and cannot even stand close to him without becoming nauseated and affected by his unknown chemicals. and when those chemicals contaminate my brand-new work uniform, and my other clothes, i don't even want to try that anymore at all. and i know i can't ask him to clean up, because decontamination is a HUGE project, and i know it from my own experience. it involves a huge expense, throwing a huge amount of your belongings and your clothing in the garbage, and it is extremely traumatic. i cried, and cried when i threw away my ephedra-contaminated clothing that gave me heart attacks every time i wore it.

and meanwhile, not just his toxic chemicals, but his behavior - about coming in to the place where i work, and then walking back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, six or seven times around the area where i work, hoping to catch my eye and start up another twenty-minute conversation about his computer gadgets or about his geneology project. while i'm on the clock! while my manager is right nearby watching me! while i'm being paid by the hour! while i'm getting yelled at about how i'm leaving work past nine o'clock when i'm scheduled to leave!

and so, merely at the sight of him, i am already very annoyed and irritated, every time i see him. there's nothing i can do for him - i don't think he's willing to go to the huge expense of doing the things that i think he needs to do, in order to help himself, and improve his health, and improve his social life (i'd tell him to go join a church, if he wasn't offended by religion). and even then, i can't guarantee that it will help! i'd like to learn more about medicine and alternative medicine, but i haven't had time for it. so, i still don't know how to solve his health problems. (the health problems he doesn't know he has! slow robotic movement, zombielike stare.) and after doing all of the things i would ask him to do, i would be hoping that some other woman would be with him, *not me*. so what motivation does he have to do it?

i can't even say, 'if you do these things, i'll have sex with you.' i can only say, 'if you do these things, your health might improve somewhat, and your mood and behavior and attitude and psychological health might improve, and you might get another job, and some other woman, not me, might date you or marry you, but i can't promise anything for sure.'

***

why did i give dennis my phone number and email address in the first place? this was a suspicious incident which fits in with all of the other things that i have been doing over the past year, and some of it was unnatural and forced. some of it was intended to be helpful to me because i have no friendships in state college, or at least i didn't before. when i got evicted from my apartment a few years ago, i had to go live in my ex-boyfriend's house, and we had huge arguments every day, and he became a puppet, and the beloved cats also became puppets, and eric was forced to initiate an argument (frequently, about nothing in particular, or about subjects we had already argued about) while i was in the middle of trying to sleep in between working two jobs, and the cats were forced to come scratch on my door loudly and repeatedly the instant i fell asleep. and if i let them in, they would walk around the room, knocking things over, climbing up on the table and the windowsill and the bed, meowing and acting obnoxious, making noises and keeping me awake, and then walking back out of the room again after having done nothing but make noises, and if i shut the door again, they would demand to come back in (as soon as i fell asleep), and do the same thing. it wasn't like the cats wanted to come into the room and would then snuggle up and fall asleep on the bed beside me. they would just go in there and do annoying things. i knew they were puppets - i already knew about people and animals being forced to do things, at the time when this happened - so i forgave them and i didn't rage at them, because they couldn't help it. they were being controlled. all i could do, when this happened, was pick up the cat and put him outdoors.

this is why i had to find some new friends in state college in case i had any more problems like being evicted.

so that was part of the overall idea of trying to make contacts with people, so that i would have somebody, anybody at all, in case of an emergency. that was part of the reason why i decided to give dennis my contact information and try to make friends with him. i was expecting that we might email each other from time to time and just stay in casual contact.

i had already had a problem with dennis before that. in the beginning, i met him because i made a pizza for him sometimes, and i often griped about not being able to find the ingredients, and that type of thing. so that was how we started chatting. but at one point, i decided to start avoiding him, and i'm not sure why. i am not sure what prompted that to happen. i suddenly, completely stopped talking to him, avoided eye contact, and would go someplace else if i saw him walking around. maybe i had already felt as though his conversations were taking too long, while i was on the clock? i don't remember for sure. so i was probably trying to stop having too-long conversations while i was on the clock - but again, that might not have really happened yet. i can't remember the reason why i started avoiding him.

i went a while avoiding him. then i suddenly changed my mind, and gave him my phone number and email address. i was hoping that we could be casual friends, and i was hoping that maybe, if he had my email address, he could *EMAIL* me instead of trying to talk to me for twenty minutes at a time, in the workplace. i was HOPING he would do THAT. but that didn't happen. he didn't save up his conversations and write them in letters. he always had to go have that twenty-minute conversation about computer gadgets or geneology with somebody who's paid by the hour. so, that didn't work.

it was always an uncomfortable strain to spend a lot of time talking about computers and technical stuff. i learned a little bit about computers, because i HAD to, because i was being harassed by hackers. it wasn't because i love computers for the sheer joy of working with computers and thinking about them and talking about them. it was necessity and maybe a little bit of interest, but not a lot. i could fake my way through a technical conversation, but like i said, it was an uncomfortable strain, not a conversation that i really enjoyed. and i was always thinking, 'i have to go wash the dishes, i have to go get the trash out, i have to go do this... what was i thinking? i forgot what i had to go do, oh no, let me think for a minute about what it was i was trying to remember... i can't think, this guy is here talking to me, i can't think, i can't remember what i had to do...' as soon as he started monopolizing my brain with his computer-gadget conversations, i couldn't remember all the tasks that i had to do, or how long it would take to do them. those are fragile thoughts, which are vulnerable to attack. i already have difficulty switching from one task to another, because it requires a form of hypnosis which is frequently zapped by the attackers and disrupted by voices and other events. (there's a book i bought years ago, called 'flow', by some author whose name i can't spell or pronounce - he's russian, or something, and it's mihaely michochenevsky or something, i'm just inventing that name. i would have to go look it up - the book is buried in a pile and i might not even have it here in pennsylvania, it could be in my book pile in west virginia. it talks about all the wonderful things i would be able to do if my brain were permitted to enter the mind-state known as 'flow' without being zapped by criminals, or slowed down and weakened by drugs and chemicals.)

okay.... this blog was a huge gripe. i warned you all that it would be extremely negative. and i still don't know what to do about dennis.

oh. and also, on another topic, i had a dream-vision that one of my friends from west virginia was talking to martin and asking him why he won't talk to me. and martin said, 'i don't feel like it.'

Feingold Diet books at the library

I forgot to mention this.  There are books you can read, obviously, for free. One of the original books is 'Why your child is hyperactive,' by Ben Feingold.  I'm sure that hundreds of other books have been written.  Anyway, that book also contains some lists of particular foods, but I'm sure a lot has been added to those lists since then, especially because new foods have been 'invented' or 'discovered' over time.

Criminal Psychology. Mister Mxyzptlk.

I mentioned sociopaths and mental illness in the previous blog. I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

Different motives for the 'going into someone's house and stealing three slices of bread' phenomenon:

1. mental illness, sociopathic/antisocial personality disorder
2. organized crime/government - somebody is paying you money to do this
3. unpaid group activities - not necessarily government or organized crime
4. puppets being controlled externally, possibly when they are on drugs

1. With #1 (mental illness), you assume they are doing it on their own. You assume it is their own idea, that the origin of this impulse is internal. There's something wrong with their brain. The brain is an organ like any other organ, and it can have diseases just like any other body parts.

2. Assume the person doing it is obeying orders and being paid money to do something that a group is telling them to do. They might be an almost-normal person. They might feel guilty or uncertain about what they're doing. (However, the group leader could be a sociopath, even if the members aren't as evil or insane. I have read that if a sociopath is able to 'fake being human' well enough, they can become leaders in the military and in government agencies. But they use the power they get to do inhuman things, like mass murder, or setting up large-scale electronic mind control/surveillance systems against the people of their own country.)

3. Unpaid activities - there could be people 'having fun' or ganging up on someone to harass them, but they're doing it on their own and not being paid.

4. Puppets: if someone is on the right drugs, they can be forced to do almost anything. I have read about people who were found sleepwalking, and they were caught having sex with somebody while asleep, or driving their car while sleeping. It is caused by using certain drugs. If someone like this gets a suggestion put into their mind, by an outside attacker using whatever technology they're using (and I have read about it, but I don't know which specific devices are used), they can be made to do anything, to go walk into somebody's house, or whatever.

I've experienced a milder version of this, especially when I am on antidepressants (but it can be done anytime, even without drugs - it's just that it's easier to do with drugs), where I am forced to say things or get ideas that aren't my own. I like to assume that almost everybody who says things to you, if they seem as though they're spying on you, if they talk to you and mention a private piece of information that they couldn't possibly have known about, except that they're a relatively normal, non-technical person who is usually nice, I assume it was something they were forced to say. I prefer to assume that - it makes more sense to me. I don't believe that EVERYBODY who does things is being paid money to do it, or that they ALL are consciously aware of what they're doing. Maybe some, but not all. And I know how it feels when it happens, when somebody else is putting words in your mouth.

About #1, mental illness:

I find the enneagram books (Riso and Hudson) to be very useful and very detailed. They're useless if you have identified yourself as the wrong type, and you're trying to apply information that isn't relevant to you. I went several years, not being 'allowed' to decide on my own which enneagram type I was. I even took the test at the website, and it suggested I might be a type seven, but I ignored it, because 'the voices' had told me they thought I was a type nine, and later on, that I was a type six. They were the ones who decided which type I should think I was. So I could not use the helpful information in the book.

It is helpful because it can clearly articulate what you are afraid of at any particular moment. You might not really know what words to use to say what you're afraid of. One thing the type seven is afraid of is: being trapped in pain and deprivation. And this is very accurate,that, for instance, while apartment hunting, I was constantly worried about whether I would get stuck someplace that would give me more health problems, and once I had moved in, it would be impossible to leave, because I would be too sick to do anything about it anymore. And about housemates, I kept thinking I didn't want to be stuck with somebody who would be 'boring and depressing' and would monopolize all of my time by talking about things I wasn't interested in. And this is very different from the things that all the other enneagram types are worried about. I am not doing this book justice in my description. It is very specific and very detailed. The motivation for a type seven is that they want to be happy, and everything in their life has to allow them to be happy. Whereas the other types have some other motivation, and they don't care as much about happiness.

Here is an example of the difference between a seven and an eight. A type eight wouldn't mind becoming the CEO of a 'really boring' line of business. I recently saw a rock quarry, and thought to myself how boring it must be to do nothing but sort through gravel all day long. However, if somebody could get rich by doing this, then an enneagram type eight wouldn't mind running that business. A seven, however, won't usually do that, because they would rather do anything but get stuck forever in a boring line of work, just to get rich. They might be willing to get rich some other way, but they don't want to sacrifice the enjoyment of their job. They'd rather work someplace making slightly less money, but enjoying the work. 'Enjoying the work' isn't as important to an eight.

Well, all of the types can become unhealthy, if they are physically and psychologically abused, or if they are physically sick, or if their environment has a problem that affects them negatively, such as a war, or economic layoffs, or a family disaster of some kind - anything in the world that happens and has a terrible effect on you. 'Becoming unhealthy' can be temporary, and it goes away as soon as the stress is gone.

Physical sickness: This includes ADHD, hyperactivity, food sensitivities. I am a type seven, and I am food-sensitive ADHD. When I was a young infant, I used to abuse animals. My parents tell me that I used to sit on them, torture them, pull their tails, and do other cruel things to them. I did those things until they put me on the Feingold Diet, and I LITERALLY changed OVERNIGHT into a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. I am using caps because I cannot emphasize this enough. I will say it again: I literally changed overnight into a completely different person. The Feingold Diet began working on the very first day that my parents used it.

There are other similar diets nowadays - I read about something called the Failsafe Diet. I don't like to recommend ONLY the Feingold diet, because you have to pay money to order their materials. I did, actually, in 2000 - I bought the materials. It's just like a three-ring binder of papers with detailed lists of which foods to avoid. Why is this hard-to-find information that you have to 'buy?' Because it is compiled from decades of observations and also chemical testing to find out which vegetables contain the most salicylate, and things like that. It is specific, detailed information not commonly known to the general public, and NOT AT ALL KNOWN by the doctors who want to prescribe pills for every ADHD or autistic child. Thousands of people using the diet have listed their observations. Again, I don't believe you should have to buy the information. I would be much happier to see it just posted on the web. They could find some other way to make money.

When you (a chemical-sensitive person) eat those foods, you become physically uncomfortable and miserable, and it affects the functioning of your brain. Some people can tolerate certain foods, but other people cannot. These ordinary foods contain chemicals that either affect your brain directly, or else they become changed into another chemical once they're inside your body, and the new chemical affects your brain. Some of these are natural chemicals in healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. It isn't all what we normally think of as 'chemicals.' It isn't some preservative or pesticide contaminating the foods, but instead, it can be the gluten proteins in wheat, the salicylates in fruits, the casein in milk, etc.

Any of the enneagram types can be food sensitive ADHD. If you know their enneagram type, you can watch how they go down the levels of disintegration after eating the trigger foods. The rest of the time, they might seem like a relatively nice, calm person.

*******

Recently the voices have been saying the word 'Mitzelplick.' I recognized that word. It was a character on The Superfriends cartoon from the 1980s. He is in the comic books too, but I haven't read those. His name is spelled Mxyzptlk, according to the Wikipedia article I read, but I think there is another spelling. I had to google it, and when I googled 'Mitzelplick,' it was always somebody struggling to find this character and not having any idea how to correctly spell the name.

He is portrayed as a hyperactive, evil, very powerful character who torments the superheroes. They say that he could immediately turn Superman into a pile of dust, merely by wishing to, but he doesn't have the willpower to actually do it. If he killed Superman, he would have nobody to torment, and he'd be bored and lonely. He has to always have somebody to abuse and harass, for entertainment. This is similar to a very unhealthy type seven.

Years ago, I used to go to chatrooms, and I would sometimes make fun of things that other people were saying. The people in the chatrooms didn't seem real to me. Every now and then somebody would get their feelings hurt for real, and complain about it, and I would feel guilty. There are some people in the chatroom who seem to be so drunk or so messed up that they can barely type, and I used to make fun of them, and even now, that doesn't seem like a big deal. But I'm talking about this example because I was doing that back in 2000 whenever I hadn't yet tried the Feingold Diet again as an adult. I started on the diet again, and noticed that I had much less of an urge to make fun of people in the chatroom. And nowadays, I don't get the bored-lonely-restless-irritable sensation very often at all, where I feel like arguing for the sake of arguing.

The computer hackers who harassed me over the years behaved exactly like this. I knew exactly who the voices were talking about whenever I started hearing the word 'mitzelplick' in my head recently - the hacking incidents fit that character. They torment people for entertainment, but it isn't the same as wanting to kill them or wanting to control the whole world. It is different from an unhealthy enneagram type eight. Petty tormenting is what many of the electronic harassment attackers are doing. And I wonder if some of those attackers are 'mentally ill' as in severely food-sensitive or chemical-sensitive, so badly that they cannot care about how other people feel. I don't know if it's as much of a 'system' sometimes, with a 'universal plan' behind it, or whether there are random people doing meaningless attacks for entertainment. And of course, it's probably both. So, there are many different types of people attacking, and many different motivations for why they do it. And the enneagram is helpful for understanding why all the different types of people decide to do evil things.

I also distinguish between different types of attacks that I experience. If I merely hear a voice in my head once or twice, that isn't as much of a big deal. Sometimes the voices say things that are informative, or funny, sometimes hilarious. Sometimes the people seem likeable. So it can still be a bad thing, but there are other things that are much more life-ruining: there is a constant stream of whispers that I hear, which I cannot avoid by driving away in my car. And whenever I silence my mind and try to think, the whispers immediately start saying things, and zapping me, and preventing me from thinking. This is a constant, all-encompassing, total destruction of a human being. THAT is much worse, to me, than a couple of incidents of somebody putting voices in my head. (*Note: sometimes the voices say horrible, disgusting, abusive, or terrifying things. This can be very damaging and it can destroy someone's self-esteem and it can be life-ruining as well. I am not experiencing that type of attack. The voices I hear are usually more 'benign,' when I can actually understand what they're saying.*) I mention that, because I think it's possible for somebody to have gotten hold of this equipment to put voices in people's heads, and they were doing it for fun and entertainment, but only occasionally, and there is a difference in how bad that is, how damaging that is, in comparison to the constant, unavoidable, life-ruining destruction of all thoughts and feelings, which always appears as soon as I try to quiet my mind.

I know that in the *cough* so-called 'criminal justice system,' they are supposed to make distinctions about how bad a particular crime is. Not all crimes are equally bad. If there's ANYBODY who I wish could be caught for their crime, and put in jail, and prevented from ever attacking anybody again, it would be the ones operating the large scale system, what I call the artificial intelligence, the voice that responds instantly to everything I do, the constant unavoidable surveillance, the constant music playing that never ends, the repetitive sentences that interfere with my thinking, the one that zaps me as soon as I quiet my mind. Other people might do voice attacks on somebody, and then break the habit and never do it again, and feel guilty about it. Those aren't the ones that I hate and want to put in jail.

There are different types of attacks and different levels of damage being done to a person's life. And there are different motives for doing it.

mockery

this is a puppet blog, because i was forced awake in the middle of the night, and they were asking me to say something on retmeishka, which is becoming my favorite blog, as opposed to my regular blog. that's partly because i like wordpress more for a few reasons. i like it that you can make a 'page,' and i like it that you can view all the comments that have been written to you. i also like the font, and i can't find a font on blogger that looks exactly like this one. i also found out that i can't locate a comment written to me on blogger, unless i go back and look at the notification email telling me i had a comment. other than that, i can't find any page anywhere telling me that i have comments, or what they said, or where to find them.

i was hunting for comments because there was a 'puppet comment' on blogger the other day. it makes me wonder if my comments are prevented from appearing, until the hackers have some whim to let them appear, sometime later. it was because i had written about snakes, and how there was an anticoagulant in snake saliva. suddenly i had a comment appear, from a blog i wrote quite a while ago about the subject of plasma donation, and they mentioned anticoagulant in their comment, about how that could explain why you get sick when you donate plasma. they said that they put an anticoagulant in the blood while it's having the plasma filtered out. that's probably true because they do the same thing in hemodialysis.

******

more speculation and second-guessing about martin. right now (or at least, last time i looked) his facebook photo was apparently making fun of the face that i made in the test video i put on youtube, whenever i wasn't sure whether any of my videos were uploading at all. i tried uploading them from the library, which has a faster connection than my dialup at home. but i kept getting a message saying 'error,' and i forget what else it said, so i assumed that nothing was uploading, and that maybe i was trying to go through a firewall or something. i went home and made a very brief test video of myself waving at the camera (and it must have been very amusing, because i also lifted my eyebrows, which martin seems to be mocking in his latest photo) and uploaded it from home to see if i was able to upload anything at all. suddenly i found that all the other videos had actually uploaded after all. several of them had uploaded multiple times, so i deleted them.

the snake incident: this was a puppet suggestion - my being given the idea to go do something. they suggest things to me that they know i will enjoy doing or enjoy talking about, but i'm guessing it has some offensive meaning to some particular person out there. or it was relevant to something happening to them, making it look as though i'm hacking their computers or spying on them, when i'm not. i had seen the water snakes last summer... but again, that had been an 'urge' to go down that road and go to the pond and wander around. i follow 'random urges' to go drive my car and explore someplace. and yes, i do enjoy exploring, but the urges come from them, not me. anyway, this time, i knew it was an 'urge' that i was getting from them, and a voice was suggesting to me that i go visit that pond to see if the snakes were out yet, and that i should take my digital camera now that i have one. i didn't have a camera last time i had been there.

i have never been phobic about snakes, and in west virginia, we had black rat snakes, which are harmless, and sometimes they lived in our basement, and left skins lying around. my mom found one, and she just left it alone, and it kept living there. i don't know how it got in and out of the basement. it was crawling through some hole in the wall.

i am not only 'not phobic,' but also, i actually LIKE them. i love the waving, rippling way that they move, especially while swimming. so to me, snakes are beautiful.

well anyhow, that resulted in martin making fun of my test video, unless he somehow 'randomly' got the urge to make faces and gestures that exactly resemble what i was doing, except with a little additional joke of his middle finger gesture. i don't think it was random. that was partly because i had written to him that i too had a photo somewhere of me giving the middle finger to someone (when i was writing a comment to him about his photos).

*****

chase away the nicest ones, leaving only the meanest ones

this was what i used to do when i heard voices, in the beginning, several years ago. i used to rage at them, in my mind, in the conversations with them. i called them terrible names and said hateful things and told them i wanted to kill them. they always responded to murder threats as though it was a hilarious and entertaining joke, as though they were excited and amused by the possibility that i might kill them. it was all a big hilarious game.

but the 'nicest ones,' the voices that were actually being nice to me, were the ones who got hurt very badly by the things i said. they were the ones who talked to me as though they were trying to help, or as though they didn't really understand what was going on. they would get hurt, and eventually quit talking to me, while the meanest and cruelest, most insane, most mentally ill, most abusive people were the only ones who remained behind, continuing to abuse and harass me.

i am getting that same impression from martin. it's like he's testing whether or not i'm 'one of the nice ones.' if i get my feelings hurt really, really badly by the things he's doing, that tells him i'm actually nice... except by then, it's too late, and i've been hurt, and i leave, and all he has left are the mean ones who are too cruel, too dependent, too mentally ill, and too stupid to leave. and that's going to be twisted around to make it sound like i mean his other friends are all of those things, which is not what i mean. almost every word i say will be twisted to mean something else. instead, i am referring to whoever it is that he thinks is attacking him. because his behavior tells me that he thinks SOMEONE is attacking him. and i have seen other people say abusive and condescending things to him. i assume he believes that i'm one of those people, that i'm insulting him or making fun of him. he won't speak to me at all, whenever we see each other in person. and he said very defensive things in email whenever i wrote to him recently, and threatened to call the police, and i don't know what it is that he thinks i'm doing which is bad enough to call the police about. and he won't explain anything.

i had wondered when he was graduating, because i didn't know when he would leave state college permanently. i got the impression, from something he said to somebody, that he hasn't graduated yet. however, i don't know what he'll be doing over the summer. he wrote in his blog that it was wasteful and inefficient whenever he visited state college over the summer last year - he made brief visits and stayed on the work schedule, but the gasoline and the other costs from visiting were high enough that he hardly got any money at all from working.

and if he was that worried about me reading his blog, he could have done a couple things - he could have changed the email address, and he could have changed the name of the blog, and told it to everybody else except me, and he could also disable anonymous comments. and no, that isn't something that i 'know,' or that i have seen, but instead, it is speculation, as in 'what he COULD HAVE done.' chances are, he really did do exactly that, and it's going to seem as though i 'know' about it, when i don't.

they wanted me to email him and say something because he was obviously making fun of my youtube test video face. i'm not emailing him, because the last time i did, he gave me all this stuff about how i'm stalking him and how he's going to call the police. 'stalking' is nonsense, because all i've done is send emails, and i don't follow him from place to place, and i don't know anything about what he's doing or where he is at any time of day. i can't even talk to him about what he thinks i'm doing. i can't tell whether he's doing a false accusation on purpose, to 'make a point' of some kind, or get revenge.

again, that's a distortion or misinterpretation of what really happened. 'false accusations' - whenever the OVERT harassment and attacks began, when they became severe and life-threatening and life-ruining, in 2003, i was thinking that it was caused by this guy that i worked with, and i also believed that he murdered cindy song, a girl who disappeared several years ago. and i was preparing to tell everybody that this particular person had murdered cindy song. and that was when the life-ruining attacks began. so 'revenge for a false accusation' could be the theme of what martin thinks he's doing.

what is the brief story of what happened a few years ago? i was being harassed by hackers, all of the time, constantly, so severely that i was thinking about changing my name, and leaving the country - and no, i'm not joking, i really was planning to leave the country, and get rid of my social security number. the hackers were watching EVERYTHING i did, my bank account and all that, and every place of business where i made purchases, and they used that information to harass me, to make fun of everything i did, constantly, to not ignore a single thing, to make a big deal out of things that should have been trivial and unimportant.

somebody was walking on a path outside my house - the path is visible and obvious, and there is always garbage lying alongside it - not large piles of random garbage, but instead, individual beer bottles placed at certain locations. and there are these (or, there used to be) lean-to shelters made of sticks - little groups of sticks piled together for someone to hide behind. whenever my then-boyfriend eric and i walked up there to investigate (because i told him somebody was watching my window and sending me emails about it) we BOTH saw the pathway, and the garbage, and eric noticed that there was a tree that had beer cans beside it, and he noticed scratches on the tree like someone was climbing up it, and bending the branches a little bit. i agreed that it looked that way. i climbed the tree myself. from that tree, you could see directly into the window of my apartment.

i tried to tell the police, at the time, and i got a 'you're delusional' response from them. i had to explain: 'he's not emailing pictures of ME - instead, he's sending emails from spam addresses, instead of his own address, and he has pictures of people who look exactly like me, and are standing in the same position, wearing the same clothing and making the same expression, and i KNOW it's intended to look like me.' and these were things that could only be seen by looking in my window and watching my apartment.

so at the time, i didn't know who was doing it (i still don't know) and i thought it was a guy that i worked with, when i was at state of the art, inc. i also started getting the idea that this person had killed cindy song.

why was i thinking of any kind of connection with cindy song?

because i was writing to the hackers, on the computer where i typed, all day long. i used to sit in front of a computer doing data entry. but hackers would mess with my computer, and i would write comments to them, knowing the keylogger would get whatever i wrote. and it was true, they responded to things that i wrote.

and i remember, early in 2001, i was thinking of where i would go for my vacation. there was going to be a spring break, or something, and i thought i would have the opportunity to go somewhere. this seems unusual because i don't recall actually having a vacation. i don't remember if i really had a vacation or not. i was at state of the art, i think. but i might have been working at sterling systems (which went bankrupt and laid me off). i would have to look at my address book where i wrote down what jobs i had and when.

anyway, i was thinking at the time that i wanted to visit new york city for my vacation, and i wanted to look at the twin towers. i had a photograph of the twin towers on my desktop at work for a long time. it was a view from across the river, with sailboats out on the water. i say 'river' but it might be the bay - i don't know, i haven't looked at a map to see where it was. i liked skyscrapers - i associated them with the books of ayn rand. (nowadays, i have different feelings about skyscrapers - they are now associated with 'borrowed money' and the fiat money system, which is something that i won't be explaining right now, but it's a subject i've sometimes written about in my other blog). so back then, i loved skyscrapers and saw them as an amazing achievement, like ayn rand thought.

so i didn't go to new york. i had wanted to, but i didn't. i never saw the twin towers except in photographs. but i felt as though 'they' had given me the suggestion: you'd better go see them now, or you will never see them. i didn't know that the towers would be destroyed. but afterwards it seemed as though somebody had warned me ahead of time that they would be.

on the night before the september 11th attacks, i was thinking about something. i was thinking about hackers, about how i wanted to leave the country, about how i wanted to change my name and social security number to get away from the constant, neverending harassment. i was thinking about that, and i decided: i am going to stay here and protect my territory. and this somehow felt like a very big and important decision. i was thinking that a terrible war was about to begin. i didn't know what the war would be like. i saw it as though people would actually be wandering the countryside, physically attacking houses and buildings, and that my house, my literal physical house, the apartment i lived in, would be attacked by somebody.

but i was imagining 'old fashioned' war, where people with guns (that contain bullets made of metal, instead of 'sonic bullets') would attack and physically kill you. i didn't know that instead, the war and the attacks would be from groups of people driving around shooting energy weapons because of their misguided beliefs, or for entertainment, or for whatever reasons that they are doing it. and i didn't know that actually, that had already been going on for decades, and was nothing new. so the 'energy weapon' and 'sound weapon' war isn't really what i was imagining. i was thinking of 'mundane' war, not high-tech war.

then that day the twin towers were destroyed. and i was at work that day. i don't remember that lady's name, but this one lady came in from the other section of the office, and she said that - what was the name of the building? did she say the twin towers? no, she said some other name. some business name or - what did they used to be called? the world trade center. that's it. she said that a plane hit the world trade center. i said, 'is that in chicago?' i didn't know it was the two towers in new york that i had had a picture of on my desktop. i just knew those were some skyscrapers in new york.

after that happened, i started writing to the keyloggers that day. i raged at them about how they were insane evil monsters who enjoyed murdering people. and at some point, i don't know when, i don't know if it was that day, or some day shortly after that, but i said 'follow the white rabbit,' from the movie, 'the matrix.' i told the hackers to follow the white rabbit. and then, somebody really DID follow the white rabbit, and they took cindy song, because she was dressed as a white rabbit for halloween.

also, anytime i got mad at the hackers, and raged at them about how they were murderers, i accused them of murdering animals. and during those times, there would suddenly appear 'lost dog' and 'lost cat' posters around town, always several at a time. not just one random lost pet, but several at once.

when cindy song disappeared:

i had started reading the books of john douglas/michael olshaker in the year 2000, whenever i encountered the (insert several curse words) guy in the chatroom with his death fetish, who used to talk about killing me, and making something sexual out of it. and i had never seen a death fetish before, and it had never occurred to me that anybody could make murder into something sexual. well, 'they,' somebody who was influencing my mind at the time, suggested for me to go find books about serial killers. so that was how i found john douglas, who interviewed serial killers and found out why they did what they did. (i didn't know, at the time, that anybody was influencing my mind.) there was also a tv show on at the time, about some serial killer guy, but i forget who.

well, after reading those books, i noticed things. i was more paranoid and distrusting. and i felt like somebody was stalking me and that i might be murdered. when the computer harassment began, i saw the hackers as the people who were threatening to murder me. they were always doing things to say 'i am watching everything you do, everywhere you go.' it was intended to be scary, and threatening, and 'omniscient,' and 'omnipotent.'

(later on, i developed contempt and hatred towards them, and loathing, instead of fear. there is no respect anymore for them at all - they are utterly contemptible and pathetic. or at least, at the time, when it was 'nothing but hackers' who were harassing me. nowadays, i couldn't hardly care less about hackers. although that's a puppet statement. but what i mean is, i think sometimes that this or that particular person is hacking my computer, but it's no longer a big deal - instead, i'm more concerned about the particular type of attack which is most life-ruining: the attacks that zap me whenever i try to focus my mind in silence, and think or feel or observe or sense, whatever i naturally am able to think/feel/observe/sense etc, using my mind and body. they zap me anytime i focus. it prevents ALL effective original thought. that is the attack that concerns me the most, and hackers are trivial in comparison. they are a nuisance or sometimes they even seem like a companion, because i believe it's this or that person who is somebody i like.)

anyway, i believed that a particular guy at the office had a keylogger on my computer. he sometimes seemed to 'respond' to things that i had said to the hackers. i didn't know about 'puppets' at the time. i use the word 'puppet' to mean: somebody who UNINTENTIONALLY and UNCONSCIOUSLY says and does things that seem meaningful or relevant to you, even though they didn't actually spy on you, and they might know nothing about you at all, and they don't realize that they said something that bothered you. it happens because somebody else forces them to say that or do that, and it's not their fault. i know about this, because i myself have been forced to do things and say things, which i later found out were relevant to somebody else, or which made it look as though i had 'secret knowledge' which i didn't have. so, i didn't know about that phenomenon back then, so anytime people said or did things that seemed relevant to me, i assumed they were hacking my computers, or hacking the videocameras, or the telephones.

the guy in the office: on the week cindy song disappeared, he was mysteriously on vacation for several days. i seem to recall, nobody knew where he was, and it was unusual. he called off sick, or something. he was missing. then he came back, and he was usually 'anal retentive,' perfectly neat and tidy, perfectly clean shaven, but when he came back, his shirt was untucked, and he had several days of beard. i had read about exactly that, in the john douglas books. and i was already thinking about stalkers and murderers, and people who spy on your computer and harass you. so i was paying attention to this. anyway, he said that his wife had been very sick. but that was the day cindy song disappeared.

so i was getting this theory that he had killed cindy song. to make things worse, there was a composite sketch drawn which looked EXACTLY like him. and i have hunted on the internet for that sketch, but cannot find it anymore. i only saw it one time, saw who it looked like. the composite sketch was somebody who had been seen with cindy song, and the news article (which i looked at again recently) said, this guy was with her at the party, or something. i can't find the sketch itself anymore, but it looked EXACTLY like the guy from the office who i was thinking had killed her. and again, she was dressed as a white rabbit, and i had said 'follow the white rabbit' to the hackers, while accusing them of enjoying murder, and expressing my hatred towards them, and my rage.

so the window-watching harassment was going on at this time, too. as i describe above, this person was sending harassing emails from a spam address with photos of OTHER people doing exactly what i had been doing that day - and i could not say 'he sent them from HIS OWN address (because he's a complete moron) and he has PHOTOS OF ME (because he wants to incriminate himself and make it obvious that he's stalking me and watching my window),' which was the only thing that the police could understand.

the police i talked to, they were too stupid to understand the mental illnesses of criminals, who do trivial things to make people suffer and to discredit them. the police didn't understand what a 'sociopath' is, somebody who deliberately does extremely small, petty, trivial things, but isn't actually 'committing a crime' in the usual way. here is one of the examples: a sociopath is somebody who makes a copy of your housekey, enters your house, and steals three or four pieces of bread out of your loaf of bread, while ignoring the valuable jewelry sitting on the dresser, and then leaves without doing anything else. and they do this merely for the purpose of causing you to get angry and frustrated and upset, and to make you look crazy. this is a sociopath. it is a mental illness.

'the stupidity of our police' is one of the rationales that i now have about why i haven't really bothered to pay my local taxes for the last couple years. i don't really want to bother paying their paychecks when THEY can't even bother to learn about and understand the mental illnesses that sociopathic criminals have which cause them to do trivial harassment like 'watch someone's window, send them emails from a spam address, and spend hours and hours looking through photos using some kind of facial recognition software to locate pictures of OTHER PEOPLE in exactly the same position, with faces that resemble mine, JUST BECAUSE THEY *FEEL LIKE* DOING THIS PATHETIC ACTIVITY.'

so... at that time, i was nearly having a breakdown. and i was getting ready to publicly accuse this guy, and tell the police that he had killed cindy song. and THAT was when the overt attacks began. THAT was when i started getting hit with attacks of dizziness, and sudden reflux up my esophagus out of nowhere when i hadn't even eaten anything and wasn't feeling sick. i would be walking across the room, and suddenly out of nowhere feel like i was going to pass out, and feel like i was going to vomit. my throat filled up with thick, sticky mucus that was so thick and so dry, it wouldn't move, and i couldn't clear my throat, and i couldn't cough it up. there was nothing there a moment before. i would try to cough and try to swallow and the mucus kept appearing, and it would make me almost gag. and i'm phobic about vomiting, so i really wanted to avoid gagging and vomiting. so i would panic whenever this happened.

i had no idea what it was. i thought i had an illness or that something was wrong, or that i was eating food that was giving me food poisoning, or that i was allergic to something. i was trying to troubleshoot my unexplained symptoms. in the past, i had always observed my own health and my own symptoms, and kept track of them, and tried to understand the things that caused me to be sick. but these incidents were random and unpredictable, and they had no correlation with anything.

because of that time period, i totally stopped observing all of my own health symptoms. when they are meaningless and totally disconnected from all cause and effect, you can no longer observe what you have control over, what you might have done to make yourself sick. you lose all control over what makes you sick.

and still, to this day, it's hard for me to observe and sense my own body to notice where i feel pain, where i feel sickness or discomfort of any kind, the way that i used to. and when i try to sense and observe, i get zapped - they attack me during the mental silence while i am sensing the pain and illnesses of my body. sensing and observing your own physical sensations is THE ONE WAY that a 'patient' can 'participate' in their own medical treatment. most people don't observe much of anything about their own bodies at all, and just trust the doctor to solve their problems by giving them a pill. but you can observe, yourself, what makes you feel sick, from day to day. for instance, if i eat avocadoes, my whole body is in pain and agony the next day. same goes for garlic, if i eat lots of garlic (and i LOVE garlic) i will be in agonizing pain over my whole body the next day. i used to observe those types of things all the time, but because of the criminal attacks, i abandoned the entire practice of observing my own symptoms and trying to correlate them with things i had done - because all symptoms were meaningless and disconnected from anything i had control over.

anyway, so i didn't know that i was being attacked with a radio frequency weapon. i didn't know about it... however, some of the hacker harassment involved them changing things on my internet start page. at the time, it was a yahoo page. i used to have a horoscope on there and lists of local movies, and comic strips. they would do things to the movies, so that all the movies were blanked out, except the one movie that they wanted me to go see. i would go see it, and find out that it was relevant or meaningful somehow in a way that i would understand. and they would do things to the horoscopes, so that the horoscopes were very specific and very relevant to things i was doing at the time, instead of being random.

(that was the reason why i stopped writing songs on my PC using the propellerheads reason software. i used to write songs, and i was working on this one song, trying to make it into a long, finished song instead of just a few experimental notes the way i usually did. i tried to make it into a long, complete, official song. i was working on that project, and started getting horoscopes telling me that i was doing a 'good job' on my 'project' and things like that. well, criminal hackers who i hate and loathe and am disgusted by, they have no place to be telling me that my song is good, because i saw them as evil and incapable of understanding or judging or liking the same things i liked. if you are utterly disgusted by someone, and that person starts telling you that they like the same music you like, and they like everything else that you like, it's a violation of everything special that matters to you. you no longer want to like those things because they are contaminated with evil. so i went out and bought a laptop, which would never connect to the internet, and i put my songs there. i haven't been able to write songs in the last couple years, because i have been fighting the severe illnesses caused by mold and also drug contamination in this apartment - and now, the table my laptop is on is also contaminated.)

well, the hackers were changing my internet start page. and they put a link to a news article, which was relevant. it said: 'radio frequency causes nausea.' so i read this news article, and read about the exact symptoms i was experiencing, and how it was done. they shoot you with a particular radio frequency, and it does something to certain cells in your brain, and, i guess, also in your throat, which irritates them and causes them to produce mucus and make you vomit and make you dizzy, depending on what frequency they use. i had never heard of this before. so that was how i learned that i was being attacked by radio frequency weapons. i didn't learn it on my own. 'the hackers' told me. i assume that it was probably the very same person who was attacking me with the weapon, who was also putting the news article on my web page, but i don't know for sure. he wanted to portray himself as being helpful, and informative, and a hero, by letting me know the truth of what was being done to me. but actually, i'm guessing he's the same person who was pushing the buttons on the weapon being used to shoot me. he's one of those 'police officers who do something bad to you, then turn around and pretend to be the hero rescuing you.' or a firefighter who sets a building on fire, then becomes the hero who puts out the fire and rescues you. (i read a recent news article about a guy who was shooting ball bearings at windows to break them, and then he was also the glazier who would repair the window. this is somebody literally acting out 'the broken window fallacy,' which is something in economics.)

anyway, back then, the voices started, and the radio frequency attacks, and he portrayed himself as being the particular police officer who showed up at my house to take me to the mental hospital, and other times, he portrayed himself as the guy who i had to report to for my ARD whenever i had to pay the fines. and somebody was giving me dreams at night, where i was holding that police officer, except he was a little boy again, and there was a feeling of warmth and love, in my heart, in the chest area, and i was supposed to become convinced that i was in love with this police officer, because of those dreams. but i was angry and cynical about them, and i knew it was fake, and of course, i didn't fall in love with this police officer. (that was the time period when they began wondering why i find so few men attractive. it is because i like long hair and beards. everybody else looks bald and unnatural to me. it has always been that way. i am just not interested in men who shave their heads and shave their beards. and police officers are almost always head-shavers who don't let their hair grow longer than an inch. military people are that way too, and i don't find them at all attractive. if you're a guy, imagine what the world would be like if ALL THE WOMEN around you shaved THEIR heads! how would YOU feel? why is the attractiveness of women somehow different from the attractiveness of men? i blame this all on a passage in the bible that says long hair is the shame of men, but the pride and glory of a woman.) i also don't find large, muscular men attractive, but instead i almost always like thinner men.

so they started asking me, all the way back then, years ago, what type of men i liked, versus what types i couldn't stand, and 'police officers' are almost always in ALL the categories that i can't stand: shaved heads, shaved faces, large and muscular or large and fat. (the only exception i can think of is in the movie, 'the fugitive,' where the one undercover cop has long hair, but of course, he gets made fun of for having long hair. and that's a movie, not a real person i've seen. i don't watch very many movies at all anymore - that was from years and years ago. i liked that movie because it had one of my favorite movie themes: an innocent person is blamed for something they didn't do, and eventually is vindicated and proven innocent, and freed from a prison (whether literal or symbolic) they should never have been in. i have experienced that myself, and have had that feeling for a long time. and as a TI - 'targeted individual' - it is very obviously similar, every day, being attacked constantly for no reason, when you are merely a normal person living your life, and you haven't committed a crime.)

*******

so how does all of this relate to martin? martin's behavior towards me sometimes seems like revenge or punishment - as though i've done something wrong, and he is trying to hurt me to get revenge for something. while refusing to speak to me, refusing to communicate with me, refusing to let me read any of HIS blogs, he is still obviously reading mine, and making fun of my facial expressions - while meanwhile, THEY force me to continue obsessing about him - whenever they wake me up at night, whenever they prevent me from sleeping, whenever i'm doing the dishes at work - THEY force me to obsess about him. instead of using my brain to think about something USEFUL that can actually IMPROVE MY LIFE, such as, i could spend that time thinking about what i will do to move out of my apartment. in the past, before the martin situation began, i used to spend my time at work in my own little daydream world, and i was often thinking about goals i had, things i wanted to accomplish, and i would think about building a shield, and i would think about learning more skills so that i could get a better job.

my coworkers, those who know about my situation with martin, don't realize that i REALLY AM being FORCED to think about him all the time, and i'm not just spontaneously doing that on my own, merely because there is something amazingly wonderful about him that i just can't keep my mind off of him.

and yes, 'they' (the attackers) found somebody who i would like, and who i would find attractive and interesting and who i would have things in common with, so that i would feel a genuine desire to either have a friendship with him or a dating/sexual relationship - so the forced obsessions seem believable. but in reality, they are forced. they are not real. i would have been thinking of other things.

and we can't talk to each other, and i don't know how HE interprets the situation. i know that he recently wrote me a couple of emails saying things that accused me of stalking and that he wanted to notify the police. and i can't tell if he thinks it's all a big joke, or if he really actually is angry/afraid and really does think i'm stalking him, or if he's guilty of something and he's being defensive, and lying and accusing in order to cover up his own guilt. i can't tell what he's experiencing or why he is doing this.

and now, we get this photo of him making fun of me because i had a silly face in my video. how am i supposed to interpret that? it actually hurts my feelings. it's the same thing all over again: somebody who refuses to speak to you, but also, does things to get your attention, and when you try to speak to them, they won't let you, and they threaten to call the police on you if you email them. 'they' messed with the pronouns in that previous sentence, so i changed it - the pronouns were inconsistent and switched back and forth from first person 'me' to second person 'you' and third person 'them' - but they were making it sound like he, too, is the victim of this manipulation and threats, and that 'they' are controlling him and preventing him from doing what he wants to do, and preventing him from talking to me. that is usually how i interpret it.

also, this morning, one of the voices said something about his sister. i don't know but it sounded like his sister was also being attacked. i don't know which sister, or if it's both of them.

so anyway, they were asking me for a reaction to his picture, and i wasn't sure about it. he seems to be making fun of me, but it also seems cruel, not just a humorous parody. and HIS face seems to be sad, or scared, and it's a really weird expression, a mockery of me raising my eyebrows and waving at the camera in my test video. it is actually painful for me to look at the picture. and i don't even know where he is right now - i don't know if he's gone home yet for the summer. anyway, i don't know how to interpret his mockery. and no, i don't see him as an enemy, i still see him as a potential friend, but i want to know more about his life and what he is experiencing. i can gather that yes, he reads my blog, because that's where i mentioned that i had made a couple videos and put them on youtube. mostly, i feel sad and hurt - i assume he will probably show up a few times during the summer, but i don't know. and how this will resolve - i don't know that either - whether he will ever explain to me HIS point of view about the things that are happening. i wish that i could just ask him questions directly, and get answers to them. but the voice is always screaming 'ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!' and he won't answer direct questions. or he does, but it's something vague and confusing, or sometimes a lie, or a half-truth, or something that i can't understand. and i can't ask more questions afterwards to clarify what he means.

so, i wrote a blog instead of emailing him.

Talking to snakes

http://www.youtube.com/user/eagledove9

I'm in the process of struggling to upload a few videos of Northern Water Snakes. I've never used YouTube before, so I'm still troubleshooting the technical problems. The videos are unedited and messy, and you get to see a lot of camera shaking as I run from place to place, and zoom in and out. I had to go someplace else to upload them, since I have dialup and it's really slow. They're not really labeled or titled yet either.

I didn't know for sure what kind of snakes they were, and at first thought they might be copperheads, because they have a superficial resemblance to them. But I looked them up, and they match the pictures of Northern Water Snakes. Those are non-poisonous, but their saliva contains an anticoagulant (if I recall) so you'll keep bleeding if you get bitten.

They live in the Fish and Boat Commission ponds. If you are on Route 220 going through State College, it's the Shiloh Road exit, where you get off to go to the Nittany Mall. Instead of going towards Sheetz and the mall, you go the opposite direction, out to the very end of the little road. You'll probably see some fishermen hanging around down there.

There's a path and a fenced area, and you can just walk along the path, and see some machinery and streams and stuff. It's a trout hatchery, I think, and you can see them down in the streams. Go past that to the ponds. There were quite a few snakes in there. I saw about six or seven. They were there last summer, too, so it seems to be their permanent home.

I was talking to the snake, and it actually started coming towards me. I got a little scared and backed off. Maybe someday I'll do another video where I let the snake get closer to the camera. Or I'll learn how to pick them up or something.