Haldir of Lorien goes 'ick', then dies shortly afterwards

i'm going to warn everyone, this is a VERY negative blog today. i might have been drugged, or i might just be sick and in a bad mood. i might have a contaminant on me from something.

eric and i used to joke about how, in the movies, you can sometimes predict which characters are going to die. in horror movies, the characters usually commit some kind of 'sin' before dying. that way, you don't feel as bad about seeing them die. but you don't like to see the really good, likeable characters die. it even happened in the matrix, when mouse got killed shortly after he was seen looking at the picture of the woman in the red dress. in horror movies, 'sinful sex' is often the thing happening shortly before a character is killed. if anybody does anything 'wrong' or dislikeable, you can predict that they are about to die in the movie. 'oh well, they were a jerk anyway,' you say when the character dies.

it happened in the lord of the rings, which i watched recently. i don't know what happened in the book (it's been a while since i read it), but i have a feeling that the movie added a little bit of artistic interpretation when they portrayed haldir of lorien. (i think it's haldir and not 'haldor' - i might check the spelling first.)

aragorn said 'you are most welcome' and hugged haldir with gratitude for coming to helm's deep. and haldir's hands were stiff and he seemed shocked or distasteful about being hugged by aragorn. shortly after that, he died. most people watching the movie would say something like, 'oh, come on, loosen up and relax a little.' by that time, everyone is fond of aragorn, and they think haldir is just being snooty and snobby.

i have sympathy for haldir having an involuntary 'ick' response to hugging someone. i've experienced 1. mange, and 2. transdermal chemical or drug contamination, from hugging people. (they called it 'cooties' when we were children, and people interpreted cooties as 'lice', but i interpret them as mange or scabies.)  mange is not just a nuisance to me, not just a discomfort - it actually causes big, infected scratches and scars all over my skin.

i've been forced awake, a couple hours ago, and people are asking me questions about dennis. about what's wrong with him, about why i have very negative feelings about him.

he came into work yesterday and asked me why i wasn't using the laptop he sold me (for a low price). he didn't SAY this out loud, but, i draw the conclusion that this is because i went to the library to upload videos, instead of using the laptop at a wireless connection, which is what i told him i intended to do with it.

my reaction to this is a feeling of ever-increasing irritation and annoyance. why the hell do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' right now? why do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' about uploading a couple of videos? i'm putting negative words on that - i usually describe it as, wanting to be anonymous. the laptop and wireless connection is for sometime in the future if and when i need to be online anonymously. i am nowhere near ready for that project, and i have much more urgent things to worry about right now.

i would want to be online anonymously if i wanted to avoid: people who AREN'T surveilling and following me physically as i go places, but who are still capable of hacking or observing what computer i'm using. that is a specific group of people. people who are ONLY hacking some computers, but aren't yet able to follow me everywhere i go, hacking into videocameras or whatever else they would need to do, or using an unknown method to follow me.

it's not only that, it's also, if i want to use a computer that doesn't have the particular viruses on it that mine inevitably has. the wireless laptop will get 'mostly anonymous and unconscious' viruses instead of spyware directed at me personally. it will get whatever spyware is sent to me from the people who follow me around physically. those things are 'slightly more difficult' to do. it is slightly more difficult to watch where i drive my car, and then send some spyware to the wireless connection i use at some public place. (or force me to get the idea to go to a particular location which has been chosen for me in advance.)

i was impatient and annoyed about the whole idea of that. why on earth would i NEED to use the laptop and wireless connection right now? i have an urgent need to move out of this apartment, and that's all i'm worried about. 'being secretive and sneaky' is very, very low on my priority list. using the library computers is sufficient. uploading the videos is 'entertainment only' and doesn't require being sneaky.

i mentioned a few days ago about how i got contaminated with an unknown drug or chemical when dennis hugged me while i was wearing my brand new uniform. it was a very brief hug. because of that, i am going to have to avoid hugging him AT ALL even though i originally believed it ought to be okay to give someone a friendly hug. i was trying to convince myself that maybe it would be okay, as long as i wasn't in uniform. but i am starting to think it isn't even okay when i am wearing my normal clothes. his contaminant is so bad, it affects my mood, it makes me depressed, it makes me angry and irritable, it makes me nauseated, and based on past experience, i know that contaminants do not wash out in the laundry, but instead spread around to the entire clothing instead of being removed.

i am having intense negative reactions merely at the sight of him or the thought of him. when i see him walking into the store, i get annoyed and irritated about his slow movement and his zombielike stare. i get irritated at the sight of him and everything about him. when he was talking to me, i started to get nauseated (faintly) even though i was a few feet away from him - probably because he had been chewing tobacco.

i am not even trying to 'boss him around' and tell him what he needs to do. this is because i ALREADY KNOW that he will NEVER do the things that i believe he needs to do. i am going to be very harsh and very blunt. it is cruel, and cold, and that's why i don't want to say it to him.

he can choose to follow MY standards, or he can choose to follow the 'mainstream USA' standard of dress and appearance, in order to attract mainstream women (or he can choose some other standard, neither of the above).

for the mainstream standard, it means he will have to shave his beard, lose weight, take showers every day, stop smelling like kerosene and tobacco, choose different clothing, and get rid of his camouflage baseball cap. (*Note. 'Losing Weight' is not at all easy to do. I do not know how to do it. When I have more time, I am interested in researching obesity, what causes it, and how to reduce it. I've already done a little bit of reading on this subject, but I still do not know of a reliable way to lose weight. I view obesity as the result of some other health problem, something complicated, and I say that it is not the person's fault. However, I mention it here because 'lose weight' is part of the mainstream USA recommendations, regardless of whether I agree or disagree.*)

i *HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE* baseball caps. i am so sick of seeing gaudy, ugly, multi-colored, patterned, or ugly-colored baseball caps ON EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE I GO. i can't stand them. and it's not only the color, it's also the shape. i can't stand the shape either, even if the colors aren't bad. i have said this before in my blog.

i understand that people want to wear hats to prevent their baldness from sunburning. this is a legitimate thing to be doing. pale-skinned people will burn on top of their heads, sometimes even if they still have hair. dennis is bald on top of his head, so i can understand that maybe he wants to wear some kind of hat to prevent sunburn.

however, he wears his baseball cap pulled down low over his face, over his eyes, in the 'i'm hiding my face deliberately' style. he's following the 'i don't want anyone to see me' standard of dress. this is something that mainstream USA disapproves of, if you are interested in attracting women. he also has a thick beard, which, once again, in the mainstream world, represents the 'i'm hiding from everyone and i don't want anyone to see my face' standard of dress. (in my natural grooming standards, a long beard is required (for ethnic groups that grow beards), and it does not indicate hiding or secrecy.)

he also wears glasses, which hide the emotions expressed by the eyes. i don't feel quite comfortable about contact lenses, so i accept that people need to wear glasses in order to see. (*note: 'energy saver' light bulbs destroy your eyes. they are extremely bad for you. some of them are better than others. but i, and other people, notice my eyes burning very badly after i have spent some time near energy saver bulbs. i can't read a book while sitting in barnes and noble, or in many other public restaurants and stores, if they're brightly lit with energy saving fluorescents. when i walk away, my vision is blurry for hours. if you want to make your eyesight worse, use those bulbs.*) however, wearing glasses, in combination with a baseball cap pulled low over your eyes, and a thick beard, is all about hiding your face from everybody, according to the mainstream point of view.

i actually prefer an amish straw hat over a mainstream USA baseball cap. i prefer hats that do not have patterns or mixed colors on them. something simple. i tend to like hats that have a brim all the way around, not just in the front. i tolerate fedora-type hats better than baseball caps. fedoras were a fashion fad not too long ago, but they didn't catch on, and baseball caps still rule.

i don't know why i dislike those things, but i do. i would prefer no hats at all. (this is all from the voices interrogating me about what i like or dislike about people's appearance.) but whenever i am forced to tolerate people wearing hats at all, there are some things i like more than others.

avoiding gaudy patterns: this is one reason why the amish chose to have all of their clothing simple and plain, because whenever you allow people to choose patterns and colors, they will always go down the 'slippery slope' and eventually you will live in a society full of people choosing the ugliest, most gaudy colors and patterns imaginable, which is what we have now. foreign people complain about the stereotypical badly-dressed american tourists. bad taste in clothing is something which is being frequently complained about, with regard to americans. i think this is a legitimate grievance. the stereotype is true.

in the usa, people think that having the right to choose gaudy, hideous clothing is a way of 'having more freedom.' and if they are asked to obey any standards at all, they see it as an infringement of their freedom. the freedom to dress really, really badly, all of the time, is a freedom that americans seem to value a lot. (yes, i have been interrogated about why i am so disgusted with mainstream society, why i hate television and fashion and all that.) they become indignant if you talk about possibly expecting them to dress better, or dress a certain way, or obey a standard, in their daily life (not just at the workplace).

i look at the amish people, and when i see them, i am never offended by their appearance. i don't want to be amish, nor am i creating a community based on the amish, but instead it is an intentional community that might be described as a 'reform' of various groups and beliefs, taking the good things from them, and getting rid of the bad things. not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. and not necessarily 'good or bad,' but rather, things that i like or dislike. some of it is subjective opinion and personal preference. i say that i am 'not offended' by the amish appearance - they don't look gaudy and awful to me - but i would ask that my community will disobey the bible with regard to long-haired men. the amish still keep men's hair short.

so, that is what dennis needs to do for his mainstream makeover. i am not asking him to do that.

MY makeover is much more difficult. it is a chemical-sensitivity, decontamination, health-improvement, natural grooming, changing-your-belief-systems makeover. and i *KNOW* that he will never, ever, in a million years, even BEGIN to do such a makeover. i am definitely not asking him to do my kind of makeover.

my so-called makeover requires dennis to do these things:

decontaminate himself. he, and everything he owns, is covered with unknown chemicals, including kerosene, tobacco, and possibly colloidal silver, and possibly something else unknown. these chemicals go through the skin, causing me to feel depressed, irritated, angry, nauseated, hopeless, tired, and slow-moving. dennis himself is slow-moving, zombielike, and apathetic about achievement and self-improvement, and i am guessing that he, too, is sick from his own chemicals, whatever they are, whether he knows it or not.

to decontaminate, he will have to do the same impossible, awful, traumatic, expensive things that i myself have done. i already know about contamination, but with me, it was a life-threatening poison that could not be removed, and i was willing to do drastic things to get rid of it. you CAN'T clean poisonous chemicals off of clothing. dennis must throw in the garbage every item of clothing he owns, because ALL of it is covered with tobacco and the smell of kerosene, and something unknown.

he must leave his trailer. it uses kerosene fuel for heating, and propane gas for the stove. to be healthy, and to avoid inhaling fumes, and to avoid smelling horrible, you cannot live in a house that uses fossil fuels. he has to go someplace that doesn't use those things. can you imagine me asking dennis to move out of his trailer? do you see why i don't even bother asking him to do the things i wish he would do?

he will have to get rid of a lot of his belongings. even things like his computers are covered with an unknown chemical, and the kerosene smell. i know it because it's on all of the computer equipment he's given me, including the laptop. all of those things smell like kerosene, and when i touch them, i get hit with some drug or chemical through the skin. he would have to wash every inch of every object thoroughly, and avoid recontaminating them afterwards, which means they could not stay in the kerosene-smelling trailer. again, do you see why i don't bother asking him to do this?

(i am adding this paragraph because 'the voices told me to.' they wanted me to talk more about the subject of weight loss. i actually wasn't even going to say this, originally.) i do not know how to advise him how to lose weight, because as i said above, weight loss is extremely difficult. it's something i've been interested in for a long time, and i've done some reading, but i can't advise anybody about it. so i don't necessarily ask him to lose weight. however, i'd ask him to change his diet, because there might be food sensitivities or other nutritional problems. so i would ask him to improve his nutrition, and his overall health. his food wasn't that bad, when i ate over there - what i mean is, i don't have a lot to complain about with how he eats. i liked his food and it was a good meal, and i appreciated it (i apologized to him several times about the fact that i can't stand to be in his trailer with the sickening fumes). i don't see any connection between the food he eats, versus how much he weighs. he doesn't overeat. he doesn't eat a lot. he didn't eat significantly more than i do. therefore, i say that his being overweight is caused by an unknown health problem that i cannot explain.

to follow my natural grooming standards, he would have to do the things i describe on the page about growing long hair. those are extreme and unusual things to do, and they are not for everyone. i am not asking him to do that. that is only for people who are joining my intentional community, which doesn't exist yet.

and this is where my 'being blunt' becomes 'being EVEN MORE blunt.' after doing all of those things, I STILL won't have sex with him! he could do all of the things i tell him to do, but i still don't want to have sex with him. he would have to obey all of those rules, only to find that after all of that effort, he still wasn't getting any sex. instead, i would be hoping that SOME OTHER woman would love him, marry him, and have sex with him - BUT *NOT ME*.

that is why i said he could choose the mainstream usa standard, instead of my standards. mainstream usa won't ask him to throw away all of his belongings and his clothing. most normal women won't realize that there is any chemical or drug contaminating all of his belongings - only a minority of people will notice that. so he can get away with maybe just cleaning up and not smelling like kerosene anymore and not chewing tobacco. and he can also get away with not losing weight, especially because he isn't severely overweight. however, he will have to (being even more blunt, here) go find a woman who would be viewed as un-attractive. not me. somebody else.

and again, i have been awakened at three in the morning and interrogated by voices, at a time when my stomach is burning and i feel very sick and i am in a very bad mood. and i've been getting more and more annoyed with dennis, over the past few weeks, because i KNOW that he will NOT do the things that i wish he would do to improve his health, improve his life, and improve his chances of finding a woman to marry, or to at least have sex with. i TRIED to give him what i thought was a basic level of human kindness, i tried to make myself willing to just give him a hug, just a minimum of human contact, but it turns out that i cannot even stand to touch him, and cannot even stand close to him without becoming nauseated and affected by his unknown chemicals. and when those chemicals contaminate my brand-new work uniform, and my other clothes, i don't even want to try that anymore at all. and i know i can't ask him to clean up, because decontamination is a HUGE project, and i know it from my own experience. it involves a huge expense, throwing a huge amount of your belongings and your clothing in the garbage, and it is extremely traumatic. i cried, and cried when i threw away my ephedra-contaminated clothing that gave me heart attacks every time i wore it.

and meanwhile, not just his toxic chemicals, but his behavior - about coming in to the place where i work, and then walking back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, six or seven times around the area where i work, hoping to catch my eye and start up another twenty-minute conversation about his computer gadgets or about his geneology project. while i'm on the clock! while my manager is right nearby watching me! while i'm being paid by the hour! while i'm getting yelled at about how i'm leaving work past nine o'clock when i'm scheduled to leave!

and so, merely at the sight of him, i am already very annoyed and irritated, every time i see him. there's nothing i can do for him - i don't think he's willing to go to the huge expense of doing the things that i think he needs to do, in order to help himself, and improve his health, and improve his social life (i'd tell him to go join a church, if he wasn't offended by religion). and even then, i can't guarantee that it will help! i'd like to learn more about medicine and alternative medicine, but i haven't had time for it. so, i still don't know how to solve his health problems. (the health problems he doesn't know he has! slow robotic movement, zombielike stare.) and after doing all of the things i would ask him to do, i would be hoping that some other woman would be with him, *not me*. so what motivation does he have to do it?

i can't even say, 'if you do these things, i'll have sex with you.' i can only say, 'if you do these things, your health might improve somewhat, and your mood and behavior and attitude and psychological health might improve, and you might get another job, and some other woman, not me, might date you or marry you, but i can't promise anything for sure.'

***

why did i give dennis my phone number and email address in the first place? this was a suspicious incident which fits in with all of the other things that i have been doing over the past year, and some of it was unnatural and forced. some of it was intended to be helpful to me because i have no friendships in state college, or at least i didn't before. when i got evicted from my apartment a few years ago, i had to go live in my ex-boyfriend's house, and we had huge arguments every day, and he became a puppet, and the beloved cats also became puppets, and eric was forced to initiate an argument (frequently, about nothing in particular, or about subjects we had already argued about) while i was in the middle of trying to sleep in between working two jobs, and the cats were forced to come scratch on my door loudly and repeatedly the instant i fell asleep. and if i let them in, they would walk around the room, knocking things over, climbing up on the table and the windowsill and the bed, meowing and acting obnoxious, making noises and keeping me awake, and then walking back out of the room again after having done nothing but make noises, and if i shut the door again, they would demand to come back in (as soon as i fell asleep), and do the same thing. it wasn't like the cats wanted to come into the room and would then snuggle up and fall asleep on the bed beside me. they would just go in there and do annoying things. i knew they were puppets - i already knew about people and animals being forced to do things, at the time when this happened - so i forgave them and i didn't rage at them, because they couldn't help it. they were being controlled. all i could do, when this happened, was pick up the cat and put him outdoors.

this is why i had to find some new friends in state college in case i had any more problems like being evicted.

so that was part of the overall idea of trying to make contacts with people, so that i would have somebody, anybody at all, in case of an emergency. that was part of the reason why i decided to give dennis my contact information and try to make friends with him. i was expecting that we might email each other from time to time and just stay in casual contact.

i had already had a problem with dennis before that. in the beginning, i met him because i made a pizza for him sometimes, and i often griped about not being able to find the ingredients, and that type of thing. so that was how we started chatting. but at one point, i decided to start avoiding him, and i'm not sure why. i am not sure what prompted that to happen. i suddenly, completely stopped talking to him, avoided eye contact, and would go someplace else if i saw him walking around. maybe i had already felt as though his conversations were taking too long, while i was on the clock? i don't remember for sure. so i was probably trying to stop having too-long conversations while i was on the clock - but again, that might not have really happened yet. i can't remember the reason why i started avoiding him.

i went a while avoiding him. then i suddenly changed my mind, and gave him my phone number and email address. i was hoping that we could be casual friends, and i was hoping that maybe, if he had my email address, he could *EMAIL* me instead of trying to talk to me for twenty minutes at a time, in the workplace. i was HOPING he would do THAT. but that didn't happen. he didn't save up his conversations and write them in letters. he always had to go have that twenty-minute conversation about computer gadgets or geneology with somebody who's paid by the hour. so, that didn't work.

it was always an uncomfortable strain to spend a lot of time talking about computers and technical stuff. i learned a little bit about computers, because i HAD to, because i was being harassed by hackers. it wasn't because i love computers for the sheer joy of working with computers and thinking about them and talking about them. it was necessity and maybe a little bit of interest, but not a lot. i could fake my way through a technical conversation, but like i said, it was an uncomfortable strain, not a conversation that i really enjoyed. and i was always thinking, 'i have to go wash the dishes, i have to go get the trash out, i have to go do this... what was i thinking? i forgot what i had to go do, oh no, let me think for a minute about what it was i was trying to remember... i can't think, this guy is here talking to me, i can't think, i can't remember what i had to do...' as soon as he started monopolizing my brain with his computer-gadget conversations, i couldn't remember all the tasks that i had to do, or how long it would take to do them. those are fragile thoughts, which are vulnerable to attack. i already have difficulty switching from one task to another, because it requires a form of hypnosis which is frequently zapped by the attackers and disrupted by voices and other events. (there's a book i bought years ago, called 'flow', by some author whose name i can't spell or pronounce - he's russian, or something, and it's mihaely michochenevsky or something, i'm just inventing that name. i would have to go look it up - the book is buried in a pile and i might not even have it here in pennsylvania, it could be in my book pile in west virginia. it talks about all the wonderful things i would be able to do if my brain were permitted to enter the mind-state known as 'flow' without being zapped by criminals, or slowed down and weakened by drugs and chemicals.)

okay.... this blog was a huge gripe. i warned you all that it would be extremely negative. and i still don't know what to do about dennis.

oh. and also, on another topic, i had a dream-vision that one of my friends from west virginia was talking to martin and asking him why he won't talk to me. and martin said, 'i don't feel like it.'