i will be healthier when i leave this apartment.

i'm looking forward to moving out of this apartment, even though i love it here and don't want to leave the duckpond. what am i looking forward to: not being sick all the time.

sometimes when i talk about being sick, i get voices who make it sound as though ALL of my problems are caused by attacks and are artificial. however, 'they' are NOT omnipotent. they don't control every molecule in the universe. people get sick, for random reasons having nothing to do with 'them.' my recurring illnesses are the unfortunate result of being chemical sensitive all of my life.

i've had more death threat voices than usual in the past couple days, people jumping on the bandwagon, since i commented about haldir of lorien. i usually ignore them. TIs get death threats all the time, like dobby the house elf getting death threats three times a day or whatever he says. my rationale is: if they intended to kill me, they would be able to just push a button on some device and make me stop breathing or make my heart stop beating or make some blood vessel hemorrage or something. if they were going to kill me, they would do it, and there isn't anything i can do about it. i assume that they gain more by not killing me.

once i've moved out and am no longer severely sick all the time, i will be able to do more things - although i won't be able to do as much as other people can do so easily. i'll never be one of those extremely healthy people who wakes up at 4 am and accomplishes 100 productive tasks and falls asleep at 12 pm only to get up at 4 am the next day and do all of it again. for me, focus is important, due to my lack of energy, so i must focus on one or two projects of the highest priority, and skip all of the other things that i wish i could be doing.

but right now, with the clothing contamination continuing, and the moldy air in here, i still don't have any energy. there are so many things i wish i could do, but merely getting up out of bed and going to work is usually the only thing that i can get done. i can't even cook for myself and i have to buy fast food instead.

in addition to that, i've been switched to 'distrustful' towards everybody, and don't want to associate with any of the guys who i met when i was in the 'meet people and try dating' phase. i've been feeling totally disgusted with all men. i know that's not fair, and it isn't really ALL men, but it's any men who express the slightest sexual interest towards me. i should be specific and say that the men who are actively expressing interest in me also happen to be quite unattractive to me. and since i am too exhausted and overwhelmed with moving out, i haven't been able to refocus my efforts to meet people - i have thought of trying other methods, like going to a church, to try to meet new people in this town. i also need to spend the effort of clarifying, in writing, the exact things that i am seeking, which requires me to go someplace more quiet, and less toxic, where i can think, because i can't think very well in this apartment.

writing a blog is the easiest thing to do when i don't have any energy.