Paranoia: someone's hacking the hackers

i write little notes and imagine that martin reads them. it usually happens when i'm on drugs. and i often worry that he DOES read them, but reads an inaccurate, distorted, corrupted version, with some information changed or missing. he'd be trying to read what's on my computer, but a malicious third party would 'hack into the hacking.' this is one of the paranoid ideas that i get sometimes.

i avoid emailing him. it goes into notes and blogs instead.

today i took a walk by the pond, and was close to some wild growing st. john's wort. i did feel a mild 'hit' off of it, and when i went home, i took a nap, and woke up focused on martin, which is what they usually do when i am on that drug. it's a 'broken heart' feeling of missing someone who i cannot be with. it's always when i wake up and they've put thoughts of him in my mind.

Something used to happen - it's part of the pattern - during the time when I was trying to email the guy who wasn't answering, years ago. It was this belief that if only I did one more attention-getting thing, if only I sent one more email, he would finally respond to me. But he never responded, and instead, 'the hackers' would 'respond' to my emails instead, by doing things to the computer.

I have a similar pattern going on with Martin (yes, I switched to capitalized sentences): if only I tell him how I feel, or write more of my thoughts about him, he will finally speak to me again and we can have a normal relationship of some kind (instead of avoiding each other). That feeling isn't constant. It happens mostly when I am on drugs and have the 'broken heart' feeling, and when they've focused my mind on him.

So when I am in that mood, I worry that he isn't able to read my notes. He reads some distorted version that's been changed by a malicious third party who won't let him see how I really feel about him. This is one of those delusional paranoid fantasies, but which is theoretically possible, and it's not 'breaking any laws of physics.' It's an idea that 'they' often put into my head, when I am in this mood. They make it seem like blogging is somehow more reliable - that for some reason, a blog wouldn't get corrupted by disinformation. In reality, that's not true: you could hack someone's version of the internet, whatever they saw from the computer they were using, so that one version of the blog would appear on one server, and another version on some other server, or something like that. (There's no end to paranoia. When you're in a paranoid mood, you can see a loophole through everything, no matter what.)

It all implies that he needs to see what I'm writing and he needs to know how I feel about him.

I've had a lot of paranoid moods in the past week or so, I'm not sure why.

What I was writing in the note was: I am waiting quietly until this is over. It means, I am enduring this time period, when I don't know what he's doing with school, where he will go, when he will go home for the summer, where he will live, whether he has a job someplace - when I say a job, I mean, a job relevant to his college degree - or not yet. I don't know if 'they' will continue to focus my attention on him this summer. I'm not sure when he's leaving, or how I will feel after he goes home. It's up to him to decide how he will communicate with me, if at all. I haven't seen his name on the schedule - every time I've glanced at it, it seems jumbled and out of order, and I don't know which days he's working, and I won't know which day is his last day before going home for the summer, or whether he will show up again occasionally like he did last year. So, every day, I will just go home after work, as always.

Last summer, some combination of drugs, mind control, cluelessness, and gall gave me the nerve to request a few minutes with him to talk after work, and I hugged him goodbye for the summer. I haven't written the whole story in my blog, of how the relationship with him began, and all the things that happened. But, back then, I saw everything very differently, and it didn't seem so impossible to speak to him. Now it's impossible. So, not knowing which days he will be there, and which day is his last day, I will just walk out like I always do, and go home.

And I am in a very sad mood today. I don't always feel this negative and worried.