about the previous post - a careless comment I made

I woke up with a complaint (from 'them') that had to be written about. I griped in the previous post that I had been 'surrounded by guys who were boring and unattractive,' or something like that. This is something that you should not just carelessly say to anybody and everybody especially when some of your friends are reading your blog. I did actually give the blog address to one of the people I met online, but he was someone who lives far away and we haven't met in person yet.

So, to clarify what I mean: For one thing, I got dozens of emails at the two dating websites I went to, emails saying things like, 'Hey, wanna chat?' as though they hadn't read a single word in my profile. I had written a long, detailed profile with a lot of warnings in it about how bizarre my life is and how I need somebody who is able to sympathize with and accept those things. A lot of people behaved as though they hadn't even seen ANY of what I had written. Then I would go look at THEIR profile, and they have barely managed to write two sentences about themselves. A lot of these people fell into the 'barely literate' category. At my jobs over the years, I have worked with people who are 'barely literate,' and people who aren't internet savvy or tech savvy, and I have often liked some people and been fond of them in person, but when you are on a dating website and someone wants to chat with you, and the activity that you are doing together is 'online writing and communication,' then you want someone who is able to type and someone who is able to find something to talk about.

(I sort of fixed that problem, gradually, by restricting who could email me, and I started requiring new people to write longer emails. This did actually get better results, but by then, I was too involved in the emergency of moving out of my apartment to really focus on continuing at the dating website. And I still never did get the chance to go out actively searching, instead of passively waiting for emails. I had wanted to do that but was too preoccupied during this time period to put much effort into it.)

There is another explanation about that careless comment: that I had the impression 'they' were deliberately trying to prevent me from meeting anyone I would find very attractive. Since my emails get tampered with, I can't know whether maybe I was failing to receive emails that people were sending me. So that's part of what I meant: that 'they' had a goal of only letting some of the people write to me, and preventing others from writing, and making sure that only non-threatening people would write, people who were not competing to be the same things that Martin represented to me.

I had a 'competition' incident during 2008 when I was talking to another guy, who had given me a compliment, and I suddenly was given a 'puppet' urge to say something insulting to him. He was viewed as a competitive threat, which was ridiculous, because I myself did not see him as a potential boyfriend and was not actively trying to seduce him or get him to date me. There were a lot of 'voices' asking about this guy and worrying that he and I would get together. After I made the insulting comment, I felt horrible about it and he never seemed to trust me again. It was clearly a 'puppet' thing and I have written about the incident several times before in my blogs. So they were competitive and they did do things to sabotage any other relationships, even if those relationships were not a threat.

But I have actually met some people who I found interesting and attractive, and I have some new friendships that I haven't been able to develop yet (partly because I am in the middle of a crisis). However, because of the brainwashing that is always going on, I have this 'belief' in my head that I must not try very hard to meet people or fall in love or feel any intense emotions about anybody, otherwise that person will get taken away or prevented from speaking to me, and Martin is supposed to be the person they were pushing me to marry, and I'm supposed to focus all my energy on fixing the communication problem instead of meeting other people besides him. Those beliefs aren't real - they are the brainwashing-induced beliefs. (I use the word 'brainwashing,' and technically that usually means being forced to forget things, instead of being forced to believe things. But I use that word in a general way to mean 'any kind of mind control.')

So yes, I do have some new friends that I am staying in contact with, and I have met some people who I like. It was a careless comment to make.