About Martin - the abridged version of the story

A few more days, and I won't be able to look at Martin's facebook pictures. If you write an email to a non-friend, it says they can look at your profile info for one month.

I'm continuing to insist that 'No Means No' instead of 'No Means Yes,' which they are often forcing me to believe. I assume that he will be leaving in a little while, probably at the same time that all of the leases expire, around July 31. For whatever reason, they haven't been as aggressive in forcing me to try to keep writing to him, but also, I have been feeling strange in the past few weeks, physically, and it could be because of that.

I am having some kind of unexplained temporary breakdown. I don't quite know what's causing it. It feels like something chemical. I've been numb and apathetic and yet I am anxious about moving out of my apartment. I can't bring myself to talk on the phone to the various people who are trying to get me to move in with them or be friends or all the other things I was doing (my sentences are being messed with - the words are being dictated by somebody else). I have been feeling very antisocial. I don't want to talk to anybody.

I'm wondering if this is related to the budding and blooming of leaves and flowers outdoors. Chemical sensitivity includes sensitivity to natural chemicals, not just manmade chemicals, and there are certain things in plants that can cause some symptoms in people. With the Feingold Diet you cut back on natural salicylates, for instance - they occur in fruits and vegetables. With that diet you eventually get to a stage where you choose carefully which fruits and vegetables you tolerate best, and avoid the ones that cause the most reactions. They don't want you to completely avoid all fruits and vegetables. Anyway, I'm imagining that maybe the plants outside are emitting something into the air, and it's making me feel strange. This is just a theory. I need to understand why I've been so messed up in the past couple weeks.

There is still mold in my apartment, and there is an outbreak of anti-anxiety drug contamination on my clothing, I think, and I am working on cleaning that up. I believe it came from the visit to New York, but it seems like there is a LOT of it, not just a little. So anyway, both of those things are making me somewhat numb.

I was trying to plan what I would do in the future, where I would live - and I was able to think about it for a few minutes, but then they began attacking me, and I could not think about it anymore. Big decisions about life are always disturbed the most by the attacks. It requires a special type of thought process. During big decisions, that is always when I most wish that I had an effective shield.

They still want me to talk about Martin. I don't have a lot that occurred recently, because we haven't seen each other or spoken to each other. And I, for whatever reason, haven't been bombarded with as much of the lies and manipulations as I was for a while there. They were brainwashing me to believe things about him and forcing me to do things, forcing me to email him. And I was constantly terrified that he was going to call the police (about harassment) because I kept emailing him while he wasn't answering.

I could write a long blog telling the story of how the 'relationship' began, but it would not be a very detailed story, it would just be a general story. In the detailed version, I would have to go back and reread the emails that I have sent to him, which disgusts and humiliates me. Every time I look at the emails I sent to him, I cringe. I literally cannot look at them, and I flinch away.

The first couple emails - I remember I woke up one morning feeling as though I had been drugged during the night; and I wrote the emails to him while listening to word-for-word dictation of what I would say.

There was a dramatic incident involving the voices, just before they started making things happen with Martin. I was crying one day (probably from drugs, drug withdrawal, or PMS - I don't normally cry a lot) and looking at my life, how much of it had been wasted on disasters and chronic illnesses, year after year, and I knew that I would have to start having children soon, or I would never get the chance. I looked at myself in the mirror as I was crying, thinking, and talking quietly, and a voice said to me, 'If you keep expressing emotions about this, I'm going to do something about it.'

I could go into details about all the things that were happening at the time, but I'm not sure I'm able to get into the right mindset to do that. This feels like the slightly abridged version, not the extremely thorough version.

It was early in 2008. My apartment had been contaminated with the herbs through most of 2007. I had lost a job at McDonald's - yet another disaster. This is when I remember that incident happening, that time when I was crying and talking.

I had been 'hearing voices', and had been consciously aware of it, and had interpreted it as external attackers using something technological, since about 2003. Before that, I didn't know or understand what was going on with my mental experiences - I just had problems with 'hackers' in my computer, every place where I worked, and they were cyberstalking and harassing me; and I had met a guy in a chatroom, and was trying to email him, while he ignored me. I still had chronic illnesses and fatigue, and digestive problems occasionally, and was sometimes using herbal drugs.

However, I hadn't publicly blogged about hearing voices or the other mental experiences and the attacks. I wrote about other topics, but kept the 'voices' a secret.

So... early in 2008, they said they would 'do something about it,' about how I wanted to have children soon. This is why they started calling my attention to Martin. The 'brainwashing campaign' began trying to convince me that Martin and I were going to marry each other and have children together - nobody bothered asking me, or him, for our consent about this. They just started forcing things to happen.

So they started telling me things about him, personal information, and I couldn't know if they were true or not. Mostly they just made me notice him and pay attention to him. I'm not going into too much detail here, because it really would be sexual harassment if I wrote all the things they said. I thought he was attractive and I was willing to try some kind of 'dating' relationship, or a friendship if he didn't want that, but they kept pushing me to MARRY him, and making it seem like this was ***THE DEAL OF THE MILLENNIUM!!!!*** It angers me, because they were pushing for all of these things, and meanwhile, he started avoiding me, refusing to communicate, not letting me get to know him, not talking to me, yet they STILL kept insisting that he and I were going to marry each other, like it or not (who cares if we're not speaking? I guess husbands and wives don't need to talk to each other, or know anything about each other.).

But I'm jumping ahead in the story. In the beginning it was okay.

A Basic Instructions comic from that time period said that an alien took the bald guy and offered to give him whatever he wanted, and he said that he wanted a beautiful woman to bring him hot wings. This was one of those 'coincidences,' where the comic strips started talking about things that were going on in my life. We had an incident where Martin wanted to get some fried chicken and I got all upset because the stuff we had was all old and lukewarm and stale, and I wanted to cook new ones, but he took the old ones. There was another guy, Matt, who was there at the time participating in all this and ringing him up at the register. Anyway, after that incident, the voices told me it was all a joke, and the joke was 'Old birds are still hot.' That was referring to me, because I was 33 and he was 21.

So, during that time, nothing terrible had happened yet, and we were able to talk to each other. I was all flustered and excited to be talking to him because I had developed a crush by then. (I don't just get a crush on whatever random guy the voices force me to get a crush on. It has to be somebody who I would have found attractive anyway. It isn't that easy to force somebody to become attracted to somebody that they find very unattractive.)

Well, a few other things happened, but I hesitate to talk about them because it's kind of controversial and I can't really explain it or understand it. I still tell myself that he was a 'puppet' being forced to get ideas to do things and say things. In fact, a few times, I saw him say unexpected, random things out of nowhere, things that seemed strange and out of context, and I recognized the 'puppet' phenomenon where you think you're making a joke, but it has a hidden meaning which is understood by the 'targeted individual' who hears it. I have been forced to do that many, many times - in all of my writings, there are hidden phrases and ideas which are meaningful, insulting, harassing, privacy-invading, etc to some particular reader.

During this time period, I was reading a blog - fskrealityguide - and he started talking about 'the seduction community' and a book called 'Secrets Of The Game' (if I recall correctly), 'alpha males,' 'negs,' 'kino,' etc. So I learned a tiny bit of that jargon and I was curious about it. It reminded me of Tom Cruise doing 'Seduce And Destroy' in Magnolia.

I had voices asking me how Peter and I met, back at McDonald's. I wrote (in my private notes, not on a blog) about how I had loved his long hair, how I had noticed him the moment he walked in, and how he had started occasionally touching me, briefly, in gentle ways, and how I had trusted him enough to tell him about my hearing voices.

So... a series of events occurred. I assume it was a preplanned 'script.' Martin and I started making eye contact with each other (it hurts me to look at him now, and I try to avoid it), and he grew his hair a few inches longer, and they were calling my attention to his physical appearance; I wrote long notes about every conversation he and I had, every interaction, and about every detail of his physical appearance, and his behavior, and his personality, his voice, etc.

They asked me about Peter, and they jokingly said, 'What do we have to do to get it for free?' implying that I was (or should be) a prostitute. In other words they wanted to know how Peter was getting it for free.

Then, they asked me what I would be willing to 'pay for.' The incident that occurred involved my giving him the cash drawer, which was part of the joke - I was going to give the money to him (instead of myself being a prostitute who receives money). It is controversial and I want to emphasize again, I think he might have been a 'puppet' who was given the idea to do something, which he might not otherwise have chosen to do. He touched my fingers one day when I handed the drawer to him. I went home and wrote about it, every detail, excited about this 'crush'... but then, they forced me to do something which I didn't really want to do - they had me start writing blogs about it, and poetry. That was definitely not normal behavior for me. That's one of the things that I can't bear to read, and I cringe when I look at it. I suppose I could take it down, but somehow I feel like I have to leave it where it is.

I started to feel like something inevitable and important was happening, and that I had no control over it. I became very anxious and felt like I had to do something, I had to take some kind of action.

There was a 'last straw' incident which triggered me to do something. But before it happened, I had another bout of crying, and talking to myself. I was crying because I didn't want to get Martin involved in my life - I was terrified that if he connected with me in any way at all, he would be in physical danger, because I was being attacked, and he would start getting attacked too, if we talked to each other. I had 'gotten used to it,' and I knew I could endure it, as I had been surviving the attacks for several years. But it is terrifying to watch somebody else going through the same thing you yourself survived. He is younger than I am and I wouldn't know if he was going to be okay, and he wouldn't have had all the experiences and knowledge that I had acquired over years and years of attacks. So I worried that they would ruin his life, and force him to commit suicide or homicide or something awful. I didn't want him to become a victim like I was. I didn't want his life to be ruined. So I cried and cried on a day when I was in a depressed mood, and I worried about what would happen if we communicated with each other.

The last straw was a casual joke he made. I had to call him while we were at work because I had a problem with my cash register. After he hung up the phone he joked to Matt that I was talking dirty to him on the phone. Matt then walked over to me and told me that he said that. I didn't hear the details of the joke, or an exact quote of the words that were said, just the general idea.

This set off a lot of anxiety and I felt like I had to do something. I walked quickly out that night after work, and he was near the desk, and he looked at me and was about to approach, because he wanted to apologize for the joke. I avoided him and I left quickly. I was trying not to look at him, and I was also avoiding the 'feeling of inevitability' that was building, a feeling that I was soon going to do something and that I could not stop this from happening.

The next day, though, he had another chance to talk to me. I was leaving, and as I went up to the desk, I approached him and said his name, and I was going to give him a note that I had written. I wrote a note with my name and phone number on it asking him to call me. But I didn't get to give it to him at first; he started talking, and apologized and was embarrassed about making the joke to Matt. He didn't want to offend me or make fun of me and he said he was sorry for the joke.

This is where I don't know what he was experiencing from his point of view. There are two perspectives on this. One perspective says that, from his point of view, he was also in a 'crush' towards me at the time; the other perspective says that he might have been a puppet, and there are variations on that theory - for instance, he might have actually blanked out and been physically unconscious during the incident when he touched my hand (which I wouldn't have even noticed, except that I was currently reading about 'kino' in the web pages about seduction - normally I would have said, 'That was just an accident. Oh well,' and ignored it.) That was supposedly evidence that he was expressing an interest in me, or attempting to seduce me, and it implies that he was participating and consenting; but the theory says he might not have known what he was doing. The other part of this theory is that they were placing bets, and it was all a big joke amongst a group of people, and they wanted to see who would be able to seduce me first, out of the group. And that several people were competing in this; but the feeling behind it is that I was a joke, somebody they had contempt for, a target of harassment. And I don't usually interpret it that way - that is the most negative theory that I have, and I actually don't see it that way. Because when you see it that way, it implies that people are evil and shallow, and everything that I know about Martin, from the few conversations we had, and from the little bit of his writings that I've read, say that he is not evil, and not shallow, and not just a mindless evil robot who goes around hurting people deliberately and making fun of everybody. So all of my theories will frame him as somebody doing something which might not have really been his idea, but instead, it was an idea given to him from outside, and he didn't understand it. Or something along those lines.

So, while he apologized to me about having made the joke, I handed him the note with my phone number. And I wanted very much to touch him, but I didn't, because I didn't know anything at the time about whether it was okay to touch him, and I am very cautious about that - I always feel like I am violating somebody, or sexually harassing/assaulting them, if I touch them without permission - I am very anxious and phobic about touching people, whether they are male or female, and I don't know how to do it, or when it's okay or not.

He was confused about how I was trying to give him a piece of paper while he was talking to me, and he said, 'what?' but he took it, and then I went home. I was too embarrassed to really explain what I was doing, and I don't remember if I actually TOLD him to call me on the phone, or if I just made him read the note to see that I wanted him to call me.

So, this was all during the pleasant and innocent phase when nothing had really gone wrong yet. We had a couple of phone calls. However, there was a problem. I was dealing with a major contamination outbreak, and it was a drug, on my clothing, which made my heart pound for hours, and made me exhausted and miserable. And I had this drug on me while trying to get to know him and talk to him on the phone. We only had a couple of phone calls, like three or four. I remember I had asked him to call me once, and he did, and I was so irritable and so uncomfortable that I couldn't talk to him, and it was terrible, and awkward. If you know somebody really well, and you're familiar with that person, and you're used to each other, it's okay to have a bad mood that ruins one of your phone calls. But if it's a brand new friendship/relationship with somebody who hasn't gotten used to you, then one single 'bad mood' incident will make it seem like you're a miserable, grouchy person ALL THE TIME, and that will be their first impression of you.

We did have one phone call that I enjoyed, where I asked him to tell me more about himself and his life, and he told me a little bit about his family and where he grew up and things he had done. I mostly listened to him (I do all of my talking in writing, but not out loud - in person, I don't really talk a lot).

I had been socially isolated for a long time. I had been living in State College since 1997, but had not kept any friends except my ex-boyfriend Eric, and then Peter. I had a couple housemates from a few years ago, but I wasn't keeping in touch with them. So all of my socializing was on the internet, in blogs, chatrooms, forums, social networking sites, etc. I had not been with 'real people' in a long time. So I was happy and delighted to be talking on the phone - or listening, actually - to a 'real person' telling me things I hadn't heard before. I had been isolated partly because of chronic illnesses, and partly because of hearing voices and having mental phenomena and harassment and cyberstalking that I couldn't talk about to anyone. And it's also partly because I never really feel comfortable with people - I always feel like an outcast, or an outsider, or a weirdo, somebody who doesn't fit in, and I often feel bored, or like I'm not interested in what they're doing or talking about.

I told Martin about hearing voices. I explained it in a few emails and I told him what they were saying. I didn't usually tell people about this.

So that was how it started to become a 'big deal.' They got me writing poetry and they were trying to convince me that Martin and I were going to marry each other. Meanwhile, he went home for the summer. I hugged him goodbye, as I have already mentioned in a previous blog. We emailed a couple of times - or, what I mean is, I received a small number of emails from him, before things really went wrong. I continued battling with my drug contamination, and the drugs intensified my feelings and distorted my thoughts, and they made me more vulnerable to being manipulated and forced to do strange things and believe strange things.

Martin stopped responding to my emails, and stopped returning my phone calls, quite early on. I already described above how there was one email in the beginning where I clearly remember feeling like I had been drugged and was being given word-for-word dictation of things I was being forced to tell him.

Then, I started getting bombarded with voices, and interrogations, and 'new people' who I hadn't heard before, new voices, new personas, asking me questions and pushing the 'you two are going to marry each other' idea. I actually LIKED a lot of the new voices - they were interesting and funny and they called my attention to new music and songs that I liked a lot, for instance, Emmy Rossum, who I had never heard before. And they urged me to do adventurous things that I hadn't been doing in years, like going on spontaneous car trips to nowhere in particular, on sunny days, when I could enjoy traveling and driving and exploring for the fun of it.

As a 'targeted individual' who has been interacting with 'voices' for several years now, I know that it's much easier to urge somebody to do things that they already almost agree with, instead of forcing them to do things that are unnatural and out of character for them. So, these new people asked me questions about hair and grooming, because I was already doing unusual things, as I was growing my hair very long, and not shaving, and not plucking my eyebrows or wearing makeup. They got me to write long notes about my philosophy of long hair, about what it means to me, and about hair in general, since this was a favorite topic that I was very interested in. They encouraged me to go a couple steps further with my unconventional grooming behaviors, which led to some changes in how I trimmed my hair's split ends - I stopped trimming altogether, which finally allowed the hair to grow the last little bit of length it's reached now - and I started the 'no shampoo' experiment, which is still continuing, and is no longer an experiment, but a way of life. That was also whenever I stopped bleaching my mustache, and stopped wearing any deodorant at all - I have gone through phases of sometimes wearing deodorant, sometimes not, and sometimes bleaching the mustache or not.

(The style I have now is called 'Greasy Strings.' The title speaks for itself. My hair is gradually twisting into small ropes of hair stuck together with grease that has the texture of chewing gum (in cold weather), but isn't quite that sticky whenever it's warm outside. They are starting to look like dreadlocks. I no longer make any attempt to comb them. I only sometimes pick apart the strings with my fingers whenever I notice loops, lumps, or shapes that bother me. Surprisingly, my scalp doesn't itch, and my head doesn't FEEL greasy or uncomfortable at all. My scalp feels soft and dry like it normally did back when I was washing my hair. It feels normal. I don't constantly feel an intense urge to go wash it, or anything - it feels like nothing is wrong. It really is becoming a lot like dreadlocks. 'They' encourage me to wear my hair down, instead of tying it up in a bun; the voices say 'We're not gonna laugh at greasy strings.' They don't want me to be embarrassed and afraid to show the world what my hair looks like.)

So, that was all the result of interacting with the 'new people' who were talking to me.

Meanwhile, I kept having incidents of falling asleep and waking up with some idea in my head that I had to email Martin about. But he stopped answering, and also stopped returning my phone calls.

I also started getting strange beliefs, theories, attempts to explain what was happening. For instance, one theory says that Martin thinks he's talking on the telephone to me, but I keep hanging up on him. Meanwhile, on my end, I'm talking to his voice in my head, instead of the telephone. So I claim that we've only talked on the phone three or four times, but Martin believes we've talked on the phone dozens or hundreds of times, and I say strange things on the phone to him and talk in a weird voice, and hang up on him.

Another interpretation is that this is really happening, except the phone calls occur while I'm sleeping, and I'm hypnotized, and I don't remember talking to him.

That is actually plausible in a way, because it happened to me once before. When I was in college, I was sleeping in a room during orientation, with a girl who I had just met and I don't think I ever saw her again. She was in there with several friends while I was sleeping. I used to talk in my sleep all the time, every night. I talked in my sleep A LOT. My roommates always noticed it and joked with me about it, and told me what I had been saying, or how I was screaming or whimpering or crying about something while I slept. So I was doing that during orientation while this girl was in the room with her friends. And she started talking to me while I was sleeping and hypnotized. I vaguely remember the conversation we were having, because I woke up in the middle of it. They were laughing at me. I know, it IS funny to talk to a sleeping, hypnotized person, but I didn't like being the butt of the joke. I vaguely remember saying: No, I don't play basketball, and I've never been outside the United States. And they were laughing. That's when I woke up. So, I remember it's possible to talk in your sleep to somebody else who is awake. That is one of the strange theories I have about what is happening and what Martin experiences, from his point of view. I don't really believe it, but the strange theories do go through my mind sometimes.

Those weird theories are an attempt to explain what HE experiences and why he does what he does. It tries to explain why he distrusts me so much that he cannot possibly speak to me or email me at all, why we absolutely cannot be friends, not even just 'facebook friends'. I found out that he was on facebook, but I had never used facebook before, so I started an account, and I requested for him to be friends with me. The request just sat there for months with no response. It didn't get accepted or rejected. Then, 'they' told me to google search for his email address - which wasn't MY idea - and I found his blogs and read them. It triggered an incident which I called 'temporary insanity,' and I blogged about how he must be ignoring me because, basically, he's a busy guy with better things to do, with all his friends and his activities and his normal life, while I'm just some lonely weirdo stalker clinging to him and trying to get his attention. After I wrote that blog, the facebook friend request suddenly got rejected, after sitting there 'undecided' for months and months. I still don't understand why it would be such a big deal to just be a casual acquaintance on facebook.

He came back a few times during the summer to work, which I hadn't expected, and when we saw each other, we made eye contact a few times, and I remember one incident where it looked as though he had tears in his eyes, and was sad, or sorry, or hurt, but I was unable to speak. I was unable to talk, and could not ask him what was going on, and I could not ask him why he wasn't answering my emails, and I knew that my emails were being forced, and I was starting to become terrified that he would accuse me of harassment. I had already been through this before: several past incidents of being forced to send emails and make phone calls to a guy who doesn't answer, only to eventually get a call to the police, and a trip to the mental hospital, and a court conviction of harassment. I could not control the impulses to send him another email, when those urges happened.

So when I saw him in person, I was terrified, and I was very badly hurt, and I avoided him, and I wanted to do anything I could to NOT harass him or make him uncomfortable in any way. I couldn't tell if he understood that I was being forced to write him emails; I didn't know if he would BELIEVE me if I told him I was being forced to do it. This is a taboo subject. If you go to a court of law and you tell the judge and jury 'I wrote these emails because the voices forced me to do it,' then the best thing you can hope for is 'Innocent by reason of insanity.' And that is insulting to me, because I decided years ago that I am not insane. In fact, I never felt saner in my life. Now that I KNOW about electronic mind control, I can explain why I have 'insane' urges and thoughts and feelings that are not my own. My own real personality is usually much healthier than the fake personalities they force me to have.

All these months, we have not been speaking to each other. Eventually I mostly stopped emailing him, although there were occasional incidents. I started trying to meet other guys, by going to a dating website. However, this caused problems, because 'they' were ABSOLUTELY DETERMINED that Martin and I were going to marry each other, and if I met any other guys, 'they' (the voices/attackers/hackers) would control which emails I received, and which emails I did not receive, and they would force particular people to speak to me, or not speak to me, and the goal was to make sure that I didn't meet anybody as attractive or interesting to me as Martin was, and that I would not feel much of a 'crush' on anybody, but would instead be surrounded by men who I found boring and unattractive. That seems to be the situation that I am in right now. It is very difficult to disconnect from him and actively go out and seek somebody else, somebody who I will really be attracted to.

There is much more detail to the story, such as the specific words of the emails we sent to each other, and the specific things we have said in conversations, and on the phone, and every incident that has happened between us. This is just the abridged version of the story, the general idea.

As a puppet, always forced to act out fake personalities, to say fake things that they make me say, to think and feel and believe whatever they tell me to believe, I still need to have my own perspective, my own point of view about all of this. And I have written before about the one thing that I would want him to know: that I am sorry for not being able to fight back against the people who control me. That if I said or did things that violated his privacy, or whatever I did that made him uncomfortable, I apologize for not being able to fight against the urges and things they forced me to do and say. And also, I am still planning to acquire, or build, an effective shield, although it will be several years in the future. When I do, I will be able to speak from my own personality instead of the fake personas. And if he ever needed that, if he himself ever needed a shield, a place where he could be himself, if he himself was targeted and harassed and controlled, I would offer to help him in the future whenever I eventually had this shield, or whatever it would be if not a shield. Whatever methods and countermeasures would actually work. I don't have anything that would be useful to him right now.

So, as I said, I am quietly waiting until he leaves for the summer, and I do not know where he will go or what he will do, and I don't know for sure if he graduated this year or not. It's painful, that he will leave and we won't understand what happened, or rather, *I* won't understand. And he will do whatever he needs to do to take care of himself.

It is such a waste that 'they' ruined something which could have, at least, been a friendship. Now, it's not even a friendship. It's two people who don't speak to each other at all.

I wish him the best, whatever he does and wherever he goes, and if he decides in the future to speak to me again, I accept it, and I will answer whatever questions he wants to ask, if any. I will be happy and grateful to hear whatever he has to say.