mockery

this is a puppet blog, because i was forced awake in the middle of the night, and they were asking me to say something on retmeishka, which is becoming my favorite blog, as opposed to my regular blog. that's partly because i like wordpress more for a few reasons. i like it that you can make a 'page,' and i like it that you can view all the comments that have been written to you. i also like the font, and i can't find a font on blogger that looks exactly like this one. i also found out that i can't locate a comment written to me on blogger, unless i go back and look at the notification email telling me i had a comment. other than that, i can't find any page anywhere telling me that i have comments, or what they said, or where to find them.

i was hunting for comments because there was a 'puppet comment' on blogger the other day. it makes me wonder if my comments are prevented from appearing, until the hackers have some whim to let them appear, sometime later. it was because i had written about snakes, and how there was an anticoagulant in snake saliva. suddenly i had a comment appear, from a blog i wrote quite a while ago about the subject of plasma donation, and they mentioned anticoagulant in their comment, about how that could explain why you get sick when you donate plasma. they said that they put an anticoagulant in the blood while it's having the plasma filtered out. that's probably true because they do the same thing in hemodialysis.

******

more speculation and second-guessing about martin. right now (or at least, last time i looked) his facebook photo was apparently making fun of the face that i made in the test video i put on youtube, whenever i wasn't sure whether any of my videos were uploading at all. i tried uploading them from the library, which has a faster connection than my dialup at home. but i kept getting a message saying 'error,' and i forget what else it said, so i assumed that nothing was uploading, and that maybe i was trying to go through a firewall or something. i went home and made a very brief test video of myself waving at the camera (and it must have been very amusing, because i also lifted my eyebrows, which martin seems to be mocking in his latest photo) and uploaded it from home to see if i was able to upload anything at all. suddenly i found that all the other videos had actually uploaded after all. several of them had uploaded multiple times, so i deleted them.

the snake incident: this was a puppet suggestion - my being given the idea to go do something. they suggest things to me that they know i will enjoy doing or enjoy talking about, but i'm guessing it has some offensive meaning to some particular person out there. or it was relevant to something happening to them, making it look as though i'm hacking their computers or spying on them, when i'm not. i had seen the water snakes last summer... but again, that had been an 'urge' to go down that road and go to the pond and wander around. i follow 'random urges' to go drive my car and explore someplace. and yes, i do enjoy exploring, but the urges come from them, not me. anyway, this time, i knew it was an 'urge' that i was getting from them, and a voice was suggesting to me that i go visit that pond to see if the snakes were out yet, and that i should take my digital camera now that i have one. i didn't have a camera last time i had been there.

i have never been phobic about snakes, and in west virginia, we had black rat snakes, which are harmless, and sometimes they lived in our basement, and left skins lying around. my mom found one, and she just left it alone, and it kept living there. i don't know how it got in and out of the basement. it was crawling through some hole in the wall.

i am not only 'not phobic,' but also, i actually LIKE them. i love the waving, rippling way that they move, especially while swimming. so to me, snakes are beautiful.

well anyhow, that resulted in martin making fun of my test video, unless he somehow 'randomly' got the urge to make faces and gestures that exactly resemble what i was doing, except with a little additional joke of his middle finger gesture. i don't think it was random. that was partly because i had written to him that i too had a photo somewhere of me giving the middle finger to someone (when i was writing a comment to him about his photos).

*****

chase away the nicest ones, leaving only the meanest ones

this was what i used to do when i heard voices, in the beginning, several years ago. i used to rage at them, in my mind, in the conversations with them. i called them terrible names and said hateful things and told them i wanted to kill them. they always responded to murder threats as though it was a hilarious and entertaining joke, as though they were excited and amused by the possibility that i might kill them. it was all a big hilarious game.

but the 'nicest ones,' the voices that were actually being nice to me, were the ones who got hurt very badly by the things i said. they were the ones who talked to me as though they were trying to help, or as though they didn't really understand what was going on. they would get hurt, and eventually quit talking to me, while the meanest and cruelest, most insane, most mentally ill, most abusive people were the only ones who remained behind, continuing to abuse and harass me.

i am getting that same impression from martin. it's like he's testing whether or not i'm 'one of the nice ones.' if i get my feelings hurt really, really badly by the things he's doing, that tells him i'm actually nice... except by then, it's too late, and i've been hurt, and i leave, and all he has left are the mean ones who are too cruel, too dependent, too mentally ill, and too stupid to leave. and that's going to be twisted around to make it sound like i mean his other friends are all of those things, which is not what i mean. almost every word i say will be twisted to mean something else. instead, i am referring to whoever it is that he thinks is attacking him. because his behavior tells me that he thinks SOMEONE is attacking him. and i have seen other people say abusive and condescending things to him. i assume he believes that i'm one of those people, that i'm insulting him or making fun of him. he won't speak to me at all, whenever we see each other in person. and he said very defensive things in email whenever i wrote to him recently, and threatened to call the police, and i don't know what it is that he thinks i'm doing which is bad enough to call the police about. and he won't explain anything.

i had wondered when he was graduating, because i didn't know when he would leave state college permanently. i got the impression, from something he said to somebody, that he hasn't graduated yet. however, i don't know what he'll be doing over the summer. he wrote in his blog that it was wasteful and inefficient whenever he visited state college over the summer last year - he made brief visits and stayed on the work schedule, but the gasoline and the other costs from visiting were high enough that he hardly got any money at all from working.

and if he was that worried about me reading his blog, he could have done a couple things - he could have changed the email address, and he could have changed the name of the blog, and told it to everybody else except me, and he could also disable anonymous comments. and no, that isn't something that i 'know,' or that i have seen, but instead, it is speculation, as in 'what he COULD HAVE done.' chances are, he really did do exactly that, and it's going to seem as though i 'know' about it, when i don't.

they wanted me to email him and say something because he was obviously making fun of my youtube test video face. i'm not emailing him, because the last time i did, he gave me all this stuff about how i'm stalking him and how he's going to call the police. 'stalking' is nonsense, because all i've done is send emails, and i don't follow him from place to place, and i don't know anything about what he's doing or where he is at any time of day. i can't even talk to him about what he thinks i'm doing. i can't tell whether he's doing a false accusation on purpose, to 'make a point' of some kind, or get revenge.

again, that's a distortion or misinterpretation of what really happened. 'false accusations' - whenever the OVERT harassment and attacks began, when they became severe and life-threatening and life-ruining, in 2003, i was thinking that it was caused by this guy that i worked with, and i also believed that he murdered cindy song, a girl who disappeared several years ago. and i was preparing to tell everybody that this particular person had murdered cindy song. and that was when the life-ruining attacks began. so 'revenge for a false accusation' could be the theme of what martin thinks he's doing.

what is the brief story of what happened a few years ago? i was being harassed by hackers, all of the time, constantly, so severely that i was thinking about changing my name, and leaving the country - and no, i'm not joking, i really was planning to leave the country, and get rid of my social security number. the hackers were watching EVERYTHING i did, my bank account and all that, and every place of business where i made purchases, and they used that information to harass me, to make fun of everything i did, constantly, to not ignore a single thing, to make a big deal out of things that should have been trivial and unimportant.

somebody was walking on a path outside my house - the path is visible and obvious, and there is always garbage lying alongside it - not large piles of random garbage, but instead, individual beer bottles placed at certain locations. and there are these (or, there used to be) lean-to shelters made of sticks - little groups of sticks piled together for someone to hide behind. whenever my then-boyfriend eric and i walked up there to investigate (because i told him somebody was watching my window and sending me emails about it) we BOTH saw the pathway, and the garbage, and eric noticed that there was a tree that had beer cans beside it, and he noticed scratches on the tree like someone was climbing up it, and bending the branches a little bit. i agreed that it looked that way. i climbed the tree myself. from that tree, you could see directly into the window of my apartment.

i tried to tell the police, at the time, and i got a 'you're delusional' response from them. i had to explain: 'he's not emailing pictures of ME - instead, he's sending emails from spam addresses, instead of his own address, and he has pictures of people who look exactly like me, and are standing in the same position, wearing the same clothing and making the same expression, and i KNOW it's intended to look like me.' and these were things that could only be seen by looking in my window and watching my apartment.

so at the time, i didn't know who was doing it (i still don't know) and i thought it was a guy that i worked with, when i was at state of the art, inc. i also started getting the idea that this person had killed cindy song.

why was i thinking of any kind of connection with cindy song?

because i was writing to the hackers, on the computer where i typed, all day long. i used to sit in front of a computer doing data entry. but hackers would mess with my computer, and i would write comments to them, knowing the keylogger would get whatever i wrote. and it was true, they responded to things that i wrote.

and i remember, early in 2001, i was thinking of where i would go for my vacation. there was going to be a spring break, or something, and i thought i would have the opportunity to go somewhere. this seems unusual because i don't recall actually having a vacation. i don't remember if i really had a vacation or not. i was at state of the art, i think. but i might have been working at sterling systems (which went bankrupt and laid me off). i would have to look at my address book where i wrote down what jobs i had and when.

anyway, i was thinking at the time that i wanted to visit new york city for my vacation, and i wanted to look at the twin towers. i had a photograph of the twin towers on my desktop at work for a long time. it was a view from across the river, with sailboats out on the water. i say 'river' but it might be the bay - i don't know, i haven't looked at a map to see where it was. i liked skyscrapers - i associated them with the books of ayn rand. (nowadays, i have different feelings about skyscrapers - they are now associated with 'borrowed money' and the fiat money system, which is something that i won't be explaining right now, but it's a subject i've sometimes written about in my other blog). so back then, i loved skyscrapers and saw them as an amazing achievement, like ayn rand thought.

so i didn't go to new york. i had wanted to, but i didn't. i never saw the twin towers except in photographs. but i felt as though 'they' had given me the suggestion: you'd better go see them now, or you will never see them. i didn't know that the towers would be destroyed. but afterwards it seemed as though somebody had warned me ahead of time that they would be.

on the night before the september 11th attacks, i was thinking about something. i was thinking about hackers, about how i wanted to leave the country, about how i wanted to change my name and social security number to get away from the constant, neverending harassment. i was thinking about that, and i decided: i am going to stay here and protect my territory. and this somehow felt like a very big and important decision. i was thinking that a terrible war was about to begin. i didn't know what the war would be like. i saw it as though people would actually be wandering the countryside, physically attacking houses and buildings, and that my house, my literal physical house, the apartment i lived in, would be attacked by somebody.

but i was imagining 'old fashioned' war, where people with guns (that contain bullets made of metal, instead of 'sonic bullets') would attack and physically kill you. i didn't know that instead, the war and the attacks would be from groups of people driving around shooting energy weapons because of their misguided beliefs, or for entertainment, or for whatever reasons that they are doing it. and i didn't know that actually, that had already been going on for decades, and was nothing new. so the 'energy weapon' and 'sound weapon' war isn't really what i was imagining. i was thinking of 'mundane' war, not high-tech war.

then that day the twin towers were destroyed. and i was at work that day. i don't remember that lady's name, but this one lady came in from the other section of the office, and she said that - what was the name of the building? did she say the twin towers? no, she said some other name. some business name or - what did they used to be called? the world trade center. that's it. she said that a plane hit the world trade center. i said, 'is that in chicago?' i didn't know it was the two towers in new york that i had had a picture of on my desktop. i just knew those were some skyscrapers in new york.

after that happened, i started writing to the keyloggers that day. i raged at them about how they were insane evil monsters who enjoyed murdering people. and at some point, i don't know when, i don't know if it was that day, or some day shortly after that, but i said 'follow the white rabbit,' from the movie, 'the matrix.' i told the hackers to follow the white rabbit. and then, somebody really DID follow the white rabbit, and they took cindy song, because she was dressed as a white rabbit for halloween.

also, anytime i got mad at the hackers, and raged at them about how they were murderers, i accused them of murdering animals. and during those times, there would suddenly appear 'lost dog' and 'lost cat' posters around town, always several at a time. not just one random lost pet, but several at once.

when cindy song disappeared:

i had started reading the books of john douglas/michael olshaker in the year 2000, whenever i encountered the (insert several curse words) guy in the chatroom with his death fetish, who used to talk about killing me, and making something sexual out of it. and i had never seen a death fetish before, and it had never occurred to me that anybody could make murder into something sexual. well, 'they,' somebody who was influencing my mind at the time, suggested for me to go find books about serial killers. so that was how i found john douglas, who interviewed serial killers and found out why they did what they did. (i didn't know, at the time, that anybody was influencing my mind.) there was also a tv show on at the time, about some serial killer guy, but i forget who.

well, after reading those books, i noticed things. i was more paranoid and distrusting. and i felt like somebody was stalking me and that i might be murdered. when the computer harassment began, i saw the hackers as the people who were threatening to murder me. they were always doing things to say 'i am watching everything you do, everywhere you go.' it was intended to be scary, and threatening, and 'omniscient,' and 'omnipotent.'

(later on, i developed contempt and hatred towards them, and loathing, instead of fear. there is no respect anymore for them at all - they are utterly contemptible and pathetic. or at least, at the time, when it was 'nothing but hackers' who were harassing me. nowadays, i couldn't hardly care less about hackers. although that's a puppet statement. but what i mean is, i think sometimes that this or that particular person is hacking my computer, but it's no longer a big deal - instead, i'm more concerned about the particular type of attack which is most life-ruining: the attacks that zap me whenever i try to focus my mind in silence, and think or feel or observe or sense, whatever i naturally am able to think/feel/observe/sense etc, using my mind and body. they zap me anytime i focus. it prevents ALL effective original thought. that is the attack that concerns me the most, and hackers are trivial in comparison. they are a nuisance or sometimes they even seem like a companion, because i believe it's this or that person who is somebody i like.)

anyway, i believed that a particular guy at the office had a keylogger on my computer. he sometimes seemed to 'respond' to things that i had said to the hackers. i didn't know about 'puppets' at the time. i use the word 'puppet' to mean: somebody who UNINTENTIONALLY and UNCONSCIOUSLY says and does things that seem meaningful or relevant to you, even though they didn't actually spy on you, and they might know nothing about you at all, and they don't realize that they said something that bothered you. it happens because somebody else forces them to say that or do that, and it's not their fault. i know about this, because i myself have been forced to do things and say things, which i later found out were relevant to somebody else, or which made it look as though i had 'secret knowledge' which i didn't have. so, i didn't know about that phenomenon back then, so anytime people said or did things that seemed relevant to me, i assumed they were hacking my computers, or hacking the videocameras, or the telephones.

the guy in the office: on the week cindy song disappeared, he was mysteriously on vacation for several days. i seem to recall, nobody knew where he was, and it was unusual. he called off sick, or something. he was missing. then he came back, and he was usually 'anal retentive,' perfectly neat and tidy, perfectly clean shaven, but when he came back, his shirt was untucked, and he had several days of beard. i had read about exactly that, in the john douglas books. and i was already thinking about stalkers and murderers, and people who spy on your computer and harass you. so i was paying attention to this. anyway, he said that his wife had been very sick. but that was the day cindy song disappeared.

so i was getting this theory that he had killed cindy song. to make things worse, there was a composite sketch drawn which looked EXACTLY like him. and i have hunted on the internet for that sketch, but cannot find it anymore. i only saw it one time, saw who it looked like. the composite sketch was somebody who had been seen with cindy song, and the news article (which i looked at again recently) said, this guy was with her at the party, or something. i can't find the sketch itself anymore, but it looked EXACTLY like the guy from the office who i was thinking had killed her. and again, she was dressed as a white rabbit, and i had said 'follow the white rabbit' to the hackers, while accusing them of enjoying murder, and expressing my hatred towards them, and my rage.

so the window-watching harassment was going on at this time, too. as i describe above, this person was sending harassing emails from a spam address with photos of OTHER people doing exactly what i had been doing that day - and i could not say 'he sent them from HIS OWN address (because he's a complete moron) and he has PHOTOS OF ME (because he wants to incriminate himself and make it obvious that he's stalking me and watching my window),' which was the only thing that the police could understand.

the police i talked to, they were too stupid to understand the mental illnesses of criminals, who do trivial things to make people suffer and to discredit them. the police didn't understand what a 'sociopath' is, somebody who deliberately does extremely small, petty, trivial things, but isn't actually 'committing a crime' in the usual way. here is one of the examples: a sociopath is somebody who makes a copy of your housekey, enters your house, and steals three or four pieces of bread out of your loaf of bread, while ignoring the valuable jewelry sitting on the dresser, and then leaves without doing anything else. and they do this merely for the purpose of causing you to get angry and frustrated and upset, and to make you look crazy. this is a sociopath. it is a mental illness.

'the stupidity of our police' is one of the rationales that i now have about why i haven't really bothered to pay my local taxes for the last couple years. i don't really want to bother paying their paychecks when THEY can't even bother to learn about and understand the mental illnesses that sociopathic criminals have which cause them to do trivial harassment like 'watch someone's window, send them emails from a spam address, and spend hours and hours looking through photos using some kind of facial recognition software to locate pictures of OTHER PEOPLE in exactly the same position, with faces that resemble mine, JUST BECAUSE THEY *FEEL LIKE* DOING THIS PATHETIC ACTIVITY.'

so... at that time, i was nearly having a breakdown. and i was getting ready to publicly accuse this guy, and tell the police that he had killed cindy song. and THAT was when the overt attacks began. THAT was when i started getting hit with attacks of dizziness, and sudden reflux up my esophagus out of nowhere when i hadn't even eaten anything and wasn't feeling sick. i would be walking across the room, and suddenly out of nowhere feel like i was going to pass out, and feel like i was going to vomit. my throat filled up with thick, sticky mucus that was so thick and so dry, it wouldn't move, and i couldn't clear my throat, and i couldn't cough it up. there was nothing there a moment before. i would try to cough and try to swallow and the mucus kept appearing, and it would make me almost gag. and i'm phobic about vomiting, so i really wanted to avoid gagging and vomiting. so i would panic whenever this happened.

i had no idea what it was. i thought i had an illness or that something was wrong, or that i was eating food that was giving me food poisoning, or that i was allergic to something. i was trying to troubleshoot my unexplained symptoms. in the past, i had always observed my own health and my own symptoms, and kept track of them, and tried to understand the things that caused me to be sick. but these incidents were random and unpredictable, and they had no correlation with anything.

because of that time period, i totally stopped observing all of my own health symptoms. when they are meaningless and totally disconnected from all cause and effect, you can no longer observe what you have control over, what you might have done to make yourself sick. you lose all control over what makes you sick.

and still, to this day, it's hard for me to observe and sense my own body to notice where i feel pain, where i feel sickness or discomfort of any kind, the way that i used to. and when i try to sense and observe, i get zapped - they attack me during the mental silence while i am sensing the pain and illnesses of my body. sensing and observing your own physical sensations is THE ONE WAY that a 'patient' can 'participate' in their own medical treatment. most people don't observe much of anything about their own bodies at all, and just trust the doctor to solve their problems by giving them a pill. but you can observe, yourself, what makes you feel sick, from day to day. for instance, if i eat avocadoes, my whole body is in pain and agony the next day. same goes for garlic, if i eat lots of garlic (and i LOVE garlic) i will be in agonizing pain over my whole body the next day. i used to observe those types of things all the time, but because of the criminal attacks, i abandoned the entire practice of observing my own symptoms and trying to correlate them with things i had done - because all symptoms were meaningless and disconnected from anything i had control over.

anyway, so i didn't know that i was being attacked with a radio frequency weapon. i didn't know about it... however, some of the hacker harassment involved them changing things on my internet start page. at the time, it was a yahoo page. i used to have a horoscope on there and lists of local movies, and comic strips. they would do things to the movies, so that all the movies were blanked out, except the one movie that they wanted me to go see. i would go see it, and find out that it was relevant or meaningful somehow in a way that i would understand. and they would do things to the horoscopes, so that the horoscopes were very specific and very relevant to things i was doing at the time, instead of being random.

(that was the reason why i stopped writing songs on my PC using the propellerheads reason software. i used to write songs, and i was working on this one song, trying to make it into a long, finished song instead of just a few experimental notes the way i usually did. i tried to make it into a long, complete, official song. i was working on that project, and started getting horoscopes telling me that i was doing a 'good job' on my 'project' and things like that. well, criminal hackers who i hate and loathe and am disgusted by, they have no place to be telling me that my song is good, because i saw them as evil and incapable of understanding or judging or liking the same things i liked. if you are utterly disgusted by someone, and that person starts telling you that they like the same music you like, and they like everything else that you like, it's a violation of everything special that matters to you. you no longer want to like those things because they are contaminated with evil. so i went out and bought a laptop, which would never connect to the internet, and i put my songs there. i haven't been able to write songs in the last couple years, because i have been fighting the severe illnesses caused by mold and also drug contamination in this apartment - and now, the table my laptop is on is also contaminated.)

well, the hackers were changing my internet start page. and they put a link to a news article, which was relevant. it said: 'radio frequency causes nausea.' so i read this news article, and read about the exact symptoms i was experiencing, and how it was done. they shoot you with a particular radio frequency, and it does something to certain cells in your brain, and, i guess, also in your throat, which irritates them and causes them to produce mucus and make you vomit and make you dizzy, depending on what frequency they use. i had never heard of this before. so that was how i learned that i was being attacked by radio frequency weapons. i didn't learn it on my own. 'the hackers' told me. i assume that it was probably the very same person who was attacking me with the weapon, who was also putting the news article on my web page, but i don't know for sure. he wanted to portray himself as being helpful, and informative, and a hero, by letting me know the truth of what was being done to me. but actually, i'm guessing he's the same person who was pushing the buttons on the weapon being used to shoot me. he's one of those 'police officers who do something bad to you, then turn around and pretend to be the hero rescuing you.' or a firefighter who sets a building on fire, then becomes the hero who puts out the fire and rescues you. (i read a recent news article about a guy who was shooting ball bearings at windows to break them, and then he was also the glazier who would repair the window. this is somebody literally acting out 'the broken window fallacy,' which is something in economics.)

anyway, back then, the voices started, and the radio frequency attacks, and he portrayed himself as being the particular police officer who showed up at my house to take me to the mental hospital, and other times, he portrayed himself as the guy who i had to report to for my ARD whenever i had to pay the fines. and somebody was giving me dreams at night, where i was holding that police officer, except he was a little boy again, and there was a feeling of warmth and love, in my heart, in the chest area, and i was supposed to become convinced that i was in love with this police officer, because of those dreams. but i was angry and cynical about them, and i knew it was fake, and of course, i didn't fall in love with this police officer. (that was the time period when they began wondering why i find so few men attractive. it is because i like long hair and beards. everybody else looks bald and unnatural to me. it has always been that way. i am just not interested in men who shave their heads and shave their beards. and police officers are almost always head-shavers who don't let their hair grow longer than an inch. military people are that way too, and i don't find them at all attractive. if you're a guy, imagine what the world would be like if ALL THE WOMEN around you shaved THEIR heads! how would YOU feel? why is the attractiveness of women somehow different from the attractiveness of men? i blame this all on a passage in the bible that says long hair is the shame of men, but the pride and glory of a woman.) i also don't find large, muscular men attractive, but instead i almost always like thinner men.

so they started asking me, all the way back then, years ago, what type of men i liked, versus what types i couldn't stand, and 'police officers' are almost always in ALL the categories that i can't stand: shaved heads, shaved faces, large and muscular or large and fat. (the only exception i can think of is in the movie, 'the fugitive,' where the one undercover cop has long hair, but of course, he gets made fun of for having long hair. and that's a movie, not a real person i've seen. i don't watch very many movies at all anymore - that was from years and years ago. i liked that movie because it had one of my favorite movie themes: an innocent person is blamed for something they didn't do, and eventually is vindicated and proven innocent, and freed from a prison (whether literal or symbolic) they should never have been in. i have experienced that myself, and have had that feeling for a long time. and as a TI - 'targeted individual' - it is very obviously similar, every day, being attacked constantly for no reason, when you are merely a normal person living your life, and you haven't committed a crime.)

*******

so how does all of this relate to martin? martin's behavior towards me sometimes seems like revenge or punishment - as though i've done something wrong, and he is trying to hurt me to get revenge for something. while refusing to speak to me, refusing to communicate with me, refusing to let me read any of HIS blogs, he is still obviously reading mine, and making fun of my facial expressions - while meanwhile, THEY force me to continue obsessing about him - whenever they wake me up at night, whenever they prevent me from sleeping, whenever i'm doing the dishes at work - THEY force me to obsess about him. instead of using my brain to think about something USEFUL that can actually IMPROVE MY LIFE, such as, i could spend that time thinking about what i will do to move out of my apartment. in the past, before the martin situation began, i used to spend my time at work in my own little daydream world, and i was often thinking about goals i had, things i wanted to accomplish, and i would think about building a shield, and i would think about learning more skills so that i could get a better job.

my coworkers, those who know about my situation with martin, don't realize that i REALLY AM being FORCED to think about him all the time, and i'm not just spontaneously doing that on my own, merely because there is something amazingly wonderful about him that i just can't keep my mind off of him.

and yes, 'they' (the attackers) found somebody who i would like, and who i would find attractive and interesting and who i would have things in common with, so that i would feel a genuine desire to either have a friendship with him or a dating/sexual relationship - so the forced obsessions seem believable. but in reality, they are forced. they are not real. i would have been thinking of other things.

and we can't talk to each other, and i don't know how HE interprets the situation. i know that he recently wrote me a couple of emails saying things that accused me of stalking and that he wanted to notify the police. and i can't tell if he thinks it's all a big joke, or if he really actually is angry/afraid and really does think i'm stalking him, or if he's guilty of something and he's being defensive, and lying and accusing in order to cover up his own guilt. i can't tell what he's experiencing or why he is doing this.

and now, we get this photo of him making fun of me because i had a silly face in my video. how am i supposed to interpret that? it actually hurts my feelings. it's the same thing all over again: somebody who refuses to speak to you, but also, does things to get your attention, and when you try to speak to them, they won't let you, and they threaten to call the police on you if you email them. 'they' messed with the pronouns in that previous sentence, so i changed it - the pronouns were inconsistent and switched back and forth from first person 'me' to second person 'you' and third person 'them' - but they were making it sound like he, too, is the victim of this manipulation and threats, and that 'they' are controlling him and preventing him from doing what he wants to do, and preventing him from talking to me. that is usually how i interpret it.

also, this morning, one of the voices said something about his sister. i don't know but it sounded like his sister was also being attacked. i don't know which sister, or if it's both of them.

so anyway, they were asking me for a reaction to his picture, and i wasn't sure about it. he seems to be making fun of me, but it also seems cruel, not just a humorous parody. and HIS face seems to be sad, or scared, and it's a really weird expression, a mockery of me raising my eyebrows and waving at the camera in my test video. it is actually painful for me to look at the picture. and i don't even know where he is right now - i don't know if he's gone home yet for the summer. anyway, i don't know how to interpret his mockery. and no, i don't see him as an enemy, i still see him as a potential friend, but i want to know more about his life and what he is experiencing. i can gather that yes, he reads my blog, because that's where i mentioned that i had made a couple videos and put them on youtube. mostly, i feel sad and hurt - i assume he will probably show up a few times during the summer, but i don't know. and how this will resolve - i don't know that either - whether he will ever explain to me HIS point of view about the things that are happening. i wish that i could just ask him questions directly, and get answers to them. but the voice is always screaming 'ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!' and he won't answer direct questions. or he does, but it's something vague and confusing, or sometimes a lie, or a half-truth, or something that i can't understand. and i can't ask more questions afterwards to clarify what he means.

so, i wrote a blog instead of emailing him.