where will i live?

there is a feeling of doom and inevitability. it has to do with my house and where i am going to live.

i guess it won't necessarily be as much of a big deal as i'm feeling right now. if i move in with somebody, i can move out later on - it doesn't mean i'm stuck there forever.

but, big changes can happen which are hard to get out of, once you get in. i moved to state college just because i needed somewhere to go after i dropped out of shepherd college, and back then my brother john lived here, since he briefly went to penn state. so i lived with john. i just 'ended up' staying here, not because i necessarily wanted to be here. but i decided to quit moving around, to quit disrupting my life and my relationships.

something has happened. i was talking to a bunch of different people in email and a couple people on the phone. the actual 'dates' that have occurred are really just one, where i went to the coffee shop with gary, who i met online. he was at adultfriendfinder. i stopped using that site because i found out a couple things: 1. it requires men (but not women) to use their credit cards to do things as simple as opening an email from somebody, and i tested this by creating a fake guy profile to see it from the guy's point of view. 2. it doesn't feel like a 'relationship' site, which is what i was trying to use it for, but instead, it's a porn site, and guys are just trying to find people for sex, and find videos to watch, etc.

that doesn't count the 'date' that i went on with the guy who i randomly met at barnes and noble - a puppet - who approached me and disturbed me while i was reading a ... damn, what are those books called? i loved them but i haven't picked one up in a while. they're like the cliff notes. school books, except very slimmed down to the most basic essential stuff. i think the book covers are usually a red color, but i'm not sure. i loved them and i wanted to get all of them. it's some foreign guy's last name. something german-sounding.

anyway, we exchanged phone numbers and later on we walked around at the boalsburg military museum, which is where i took the flickr photo of the guy standing in front of the tank. (that wasn't the guy i was with, that was just a random person standing there.) i haven't talked to him in a while.

i said he was a puppet, because he approached me, a total stranger, and interrupted me while i was reading a book about 'basic electricity' or something like that. basic guide to electrical engineering or something. i was reading it for the purpose of understanding how the psychotronic attacks are done: i wanted to get a general background on all the technical subjects, a variety of different things, even if they weren't directly relevant. it was very inconvenient to be interrupted by a total stranger asking me about what book i was reading, and why i was reading it, when i wanted to learn about psychotronic phenomena in an indirect, general way. so i assumed he was a puppet, being forced to get the idea that he must go talk to me.

well, as i said, something has happened. i was juggling a dozen different people in emails. many of them came from the plentyoffish dating website (which is where i went after leaving adultfriendfinder, because it's free.) and also, phone calls. but i know something from reading diana leafe christian about starting communities, and it's relevant to relationships too: if you just put up an ad that isn't specific enough, you are going to be overwhelmed by lots of results that aren't what you want.

all of the people responding to my profile were not really what i was looking for, becuase i hadn't had the chance to be very specific about exactly what i wanted or what i was trying to accomplish. but i was quickly overwhelmed by the numbers of people responding, and i didn't even get the chance to follow my original plan, which was that *I* would go looking for *THEM*, and not wait around passively for guys to contact me! i wanted to go search for THEM. i have gotten annoyed enough by all the irrelevant responses that i almost feel like saying: anybody who contacts me first is, by definition, NOT ELIGIBLE. i'm tempted to say that, but that's not really true either. it's just an expression of annoyance. that same feeling of annoyance says: ALL guys on dating websites are looking for NOTHING BUT SEX. again, this is not really true, and guys want real relationships and real friendships. but, because i wasn't able to express what i was looking for, clearly and specifically, all of the people contacting me were clueless.

(i'm afraid to say things like that, because 'the voices' will remember it forever, and they will keep bringing it up as an official rule, when it isn't. then, ten years from now, they'll say, 'but YOU said that anybody who contacts you first is ineligible! and i ruined my life obeying that rule and it's all your fault!' etc. i get this kind of thing from the voices all the time. it is true what author warren farrell said, when he talked about how men have to be the aggressive one in asking women out on dates, because if they don't, nothing will ever happen, and women won't ask them. it's definitely true if you make a fake guy's profile on adultfriendfinder. i didn't get a single email from a woman, not one, in all the months i had that profile up.)

it is the end goal that's different. guys are looking for friendship and relationships, but sex is the end goal. sex is the one final thing that happens after all this other (irrelevant, boring) stuff happens first. after all the talking and communicating (secondary, unimportant activities) there will eventually be sex (the end).

from my point of view, it is very different. sex is the EASIEST thing i can possibly find. if i chose to do it, i could walk out into town right this instant, and find a willing 'sperm donor' within a few minutes, merely because i am female and human. i could be fat, i could be hideously ugly, i could be deformed, but just by being female, i could find SOMEONE willing to have sex with me *once*. that's assuming i didn't ask them to stay with me a long time and have a relationship.

i myself am not just focused on getting 'communication and friendship' as highest priority goals, either. i would not have gone to a dating website to find that. not necessarily. instead, i must find someone who will raise children with me. this is the difficult goal that is enough to make me go looking actively for people.

however, even though i put 'looking for marriage' on my profile, i got guys who, once again, seemed clueless about what i was really saying: decades and decades of slavery, going to work every day to bring home money for the mother and children, since i will be staying home to breastfeed, and i WON'T be going back to work after only a couple months, but instead, i intend to breastfeed until the children are quite a bit older - extended breastfeeding - which means i will NEVER be going back to work for a very very long time, unless i am doing a job that earns money from home. therefore, the husband will be the sole economic provider, and if he hates his job, it sucks to be him. they are clueless about this. they can't imagine how it feels to be a job slave for decades, doing something you hate, working for assholes and doing what they tell you, to pay for a family. i knew about it because dad hated his job. he didn't hate the job itself, but he hated the hospital and the way it was run and the people he worked for. so again, the people contacting me were just thinking 'sex! sex! sex!' instead of 'decades of slavery working at a job i hate so i can feed my wife and children!'

so there are very important things that need to be resolved, questions like, do you love your job? if not, how do you plan to get a job you enjoy more? what will you do when you *inevitably* get laid off in the *next* economic downturn, which will inevitably happen in a couple years because of inherent corruption in the government and the fiat money system? there is no such thing as a stable job that lasts for decades. not anymore. all jobs are temp work. that's why i've wondered about unconventional family structures, like polyfidelity. it's financially stronger to have several different people providing money, instead of just one person.

so, as i said above, 'something has happened.'

it happened in a passive way. i didn't do this on purpose. i *dropped everybody*. i dropped all of the people talking and calling and emailing. i suddenly stopped calling people back and stopped emailing. a few phone calls still haven't been returned. i hate to do that, because other people have done that to me, and i know how it feels.

it happened on its own. suddenly, i could not bring myself to call anybody back.

people have started pushing me to do things that i don't want to do. like ken, from work, who decided on his own that he and i are going to move in together. i talked to him about it, i tried to explain this concept: 'I want to pack as many people into a house as the space can physically hold. We will be sleeping in bunk beds, which will be side by side so close together that you can't get out of bed without waking someone else up. All of these people will be paying rent. The result is that each of us only pays $20 in rent each month, and we each only have to work two or three days a month to earn enough money for all of our expenses. No more work, no more hating our jobs. The end.'

Ken doesn't get it. Ken described HIS image of what he wants to do: You and I will be living together alone. It will be peaceful and quiet. We will find someplace nice.

In other words, he wants to monopolize me, and live with me just like a peaceful, happy marriage. (how did my sentences get back into capitals?) so what if we each have to pay a large amount of rent, since there are only two people. so what if 'someplace nice' means 'someplace expensive.' so what if i hate my job, and i would like to work as few days per month as physically possible. none of those things fit into ken's image of what he wants to do. to him it's a peaceful marriage-like relationship with a 'monopolized' woman - he emphasized 'peace and quiet,' so i won't be hosting groups of people like i was planning, for cooking food (this particular fantasy hasn't been worked out yet, but it was a 'community cooking' scenario, where people go to each other's houses for meals, in a large group).

i am NOT going to be a housemate with only ONE PERSON. i want to divide up my rent payment into the smallest possible pieces, which means i will be overjoyed to live in a house with twenty people in it. if it means i'll only be working three days per month, that's great. i want to pack so many people into this house that the government will start to worry about zoning regulations and fire safety codes. (we might have to live outside of town in a more rural house, to avoid the zoning laws.)

so, i stopped returning phone calls and emails, because i had sort of a breakdown, or an anxiety attack. and i'm not sure if it was chemical-induced, or the result of something in the air - there seems to be something in the air at work, something i'm allergic to, the flowers or trees, or the ginkgo biloba trees outside - whenever eric and i took ginkgo biloba pills (and at the same time, we also used st. john's wort, and also ginseng), he and i had the most violent arguments we have ever had in our lives. in that three-pill combination, one, or all of them together, will cause violent impulsive behavior and angry arguments. that was the first time i ever tried herbal medicine. that was my entry into it. the photograph where i'm sitting on a tree branch giving eric the middle finger - i don't have it uploaded - we were having a violent argument over nothing, while playing around trying to climb the big tree behind my house and taking pictures. something at work, lately, has been making me irritable and angry, and it's affecting everybody else, too. everyone has PMS. so it could be because the ginkgo biloba trees in the parking lot are budding. yes, that is the exact same ginkgo in the herbal pills.

it could also have been withdrawal from one of my other drug contaminants.

but i had started to feel like other people were controlling me, pushing me to do things that i didn't want to do. i was afraid, for one thing, that i would end up in another toxic house. other people do not know how to recognize the symptoms they experience. you can only learn that by having a severe, dangerous, extremely noticeable incident, which thereafter teaches you to notice even the slightest hint of a problem. that is how i learned to recognize symptoms of contamination and environmental illness. from a mold so toxic, i almost died of it. from an herb, ephedra, that can kill you.

so, other people haven't learned those things. they don't notice that, if you sleep in a house that has a propane stove, the stove is constantly burning from the pilot light, putting out a tiny amount of propane smoke, which contains a tiny amount of carbon monoxide. it is considered to be less than a dangerous level. but just because the 'official laws' say it's safe, doesn't mean it is. you have symptoms, but you don't recognize them. you don't know why you're tired all the time. you don't know why you can't think clearly when you're in the kitchen. i know these things, but other people don't.

ken didn't know i want to avoid *ALL* fossil fuels. eric's trailer had a propane stove and an oil heater, and the fumes from both always made me very sick. i won't allow any fossil fuels at all.

ken even told me he DID have an incident once, with kerosene. he said his kerosene heater was broken, one day, and he was taking a shower that morning and was having trouble breathing, and it started to overwhelm him, and he managed to get out and call his sister (or somebody) on the phone, and they called an ambulance, and he got to the door, and opened it, and collapsed just outside the door, where he was able to breathe again. they said, if he hadn't done that, he would be dead. the house was full of smoke from the broken kerosene heater.

so it seemed like he would understand. but no, he didn't. i said i would avoid all fossil fuels, no matter what, and he gave a 'macho' response, a tiny bit angry, and said something like, 'well, don't you worry about a thing, little lady,' (and yes, i'm joking, those WEREN'T his exact words) 'with my mechanical skills, i'll protect you against broken heaters and toxic fossil fuels, and i'll make sure our fossil fuel heaters are all properly maintained at all times.' again, i'm making up words because i don't remember his exact sentence, but that was the meaning behind it. he said that he was skillful enough to maintain a fossil fuel appliance and prevent it from having any problems, therefore i needn't be worried at all.

he didn't understand: a PROPERLY FUNCTIONING fossil fuel appliance emits toxic fumes even when it's working right. nothing's wrong with it - it meets the government standards, and has the parts-per-million numbers below a certain threshold - and i refuse to be in the same house with it ANYWAY. this is not negotiable. we protect ourselves against it by refusing to be in the same air space with it.

so i'm being pushed into things by people who don't understand what i want to accomplish and what i'm trying to avoid.

i dropped everybody.

something will happen. the time will pass. it will be july 31. by then, my belongings will be in storage. i spent this week making a few arrangements - i rented a storage room, and i worked on getting some car paperwork finished - it was many, many months overdue.

i will live somewhere. will i live in my car? will i suddenly move in with somebody, not knowing who it will be? will it be a bait-and-switch? do i expect to move in with one person, only to suddenly decide on another? there is a feeling that time is passing, that this is out of my control, that i dropped everybody who didn't understand, that something will happen and i feel like i'm not the one deciding what it will be. puppets will speak to me, lots of puppets - puppets offering things. it's useful to have *somebody* even if they were a puppet who was forced to speak to you. (what bothers me more is: what about the hypothetical people on the dating website who were forcibly *prevented* from talking to me? by not being able to email, or whatever. all of life would be very different if nobody forced people to do things that they didn't decide on their own.)

'they' wonder if i'll move back with my parents in west virginia. but that house is also toxic. it has pesticides and chemicals and wood stain and other things. and mom uses paxil. so i could get contaminated with paxil by being there.

paxil was part of the columbine high school murders. i don't know if they also had a stimulant drug, or an anti-anxiety drug, involved in that - it was probably a combination of several drugs, and it might be the stimulants that trigger the most violence - i am thinking of this because my friend told me her son became violent when he was on one of the ADHD drugs, which was a stimulant, and it was something like ritalin, or similar. it might sound funny, but, among other things, he tried to stab her with a pencil. that's similar to how i felt when eric and i were fighting, when we both experimented with the over-the-counter herbal pills combination of sjw, ginkgo, and ginseng as described above. a sudden impulse to attack someone with whatever sharp object is nearby. like the chimpanzee who might, or might not have been given xanax before he went on his attack spree in the news a few months ago. (what other drugs were involved besides xanax?)

those were over-the-counter herbal pills, by the way. violent arguments over stupid stuff.

moving back to west virginia: peter would be left here and it would hurt him. we'd talk on my cell phone a few times and i would cry. i'd wonder how long i was going to be stuck in wv. he'd be nice about it and tell me i needed to take care of myself, and that *he* wasn't important. he wouldn't cry, because he has some kind of deformity of the tear ducts, something that prevents his eyes from producing a lot of tears - i don't know the name of that disorder. so he can't really weep. but he might sob without tears. and he would be depressed and alone. he'd call now and then, but it would be hard to find anything to talk about. he doesn't even have an internet connection, because somebody or something killed his computer, and he refused many times to allow me to fix it. i would have to fix it without his consent, but i've been too preoccupied with my disasters to research (again) the information i found, about how to read, and interpret, the blinking lights on the back of the computer, when you unplug different components to test which one has the problem.

i'd have to start all over with a different group of friends and a different workplace.

there's no point in moving, unless i am absolutely sure that that place is where i want to stay for a very, very long time, which will require careful thought, planning, and research. moving from place to place, again and again, is traumatic and harmful. unless you have chosen a 'final' place where you intend to stay for many decades, and then you go there and you do stay there. or unless you intend to be deliberately nomadic, on an adventure, and live in many places, and avoid bonding deeply with anybody, avoid deep connections, knowing ahead of time that you will soon leave and go elsewhere, just traveling around and exploring. it could be enjoyable to do that but i decided on something different. i am going to start a family while i still can. we will travel, and have vacations, and adventures, but we will have one home in one place (or maybe two homes and stay at each one for part of the year), but it will be stable. you can have a stable base, and then venture out from the base, and return home afterwards.

i don't plan on leaving state college yet. one 'base' might be up here in pennsylvania, and another base in west virginia. it could be my parents' house, or rather, i could have people living there who were connected with me, but i myself might not live in that particular house. i would rather have a larger ranch-like area where i will keep a herd of grazing animals. i'd like a variety, some horses, cows, goats, and unusual things like llamas, or if i can get them, buffalo. i don't know the laws about owning buffalo. and you can't do much in the area where my parents live, because they have rules about that. you can own a few horses, but not much more than that.

i've always wanted to fly. i'd like to use a glider. but it might be an ordinary airplane. we could fly whenever we traveled to the other base. sometime in my life, before i die, i'll get a pilot's license and fly an airplane. or else my community will make our own little informal gliders, and have small-scale recreational flight that doesn't go very high off the ground, and we'll just fool around in a big field someplace and make our own inventions. there's nothing stopping people from privately doing that on their own. they don't need money, they don't need government permission, they don't need to borrow millions of dollars, they don't need to be profitable. they just need some primitive materials like the wright brothers were using. and don't go very high off the ground. just stay close to the ground and don't do anything dangerous. you can build whatever gliders you want. just for the fun of it.

so... where will i live three months from now, at the end of july?

it has to be healthier than the place i live in now - wherever it is. it won't necessarily be my final home, just a temporary place. no fossil fuels, no mold, no pesticides, no farmers' fields next door where they spray pesticides and herbicides and liquid manure and chemical fertilizers. i want to be in a rural place, but not next door to that type of farm. i'd like to get away from the poisonous gypsy moth spraying, and the poisonous weed killer spraying that the township does along the roadside. avoiding poisons is first priority, because i can't get ANY goals accomplished when i spend half the year deathly sick, as i have the past few years. every goal i've tried to accomplish gets abandoned somewhere in mid-september, when it gets cold and i close the windows, and the mold fumes destroy my life. it's happened for quite a few years now, total loss of functioning for about half the year. maybe even more than half. it feels like more than half the year, windows closed, toxic fumes, can't function... all my goals abandoned. year after year after year, while i slowly lose all chance of having children.

it was the loss of children that made this suddenly urgent. i decided that i would not let this chance go, that i would not die without children. i'm 34 years old. i've noticed my body is changing. my hair started thinning at age 30 - a lot of it fell out, and it was very noticeable. i have less vaginal lubrication than i used to - there is still some, but not as much as before. i don't think i've reached the 'perimenopause' stage, but i'm definitely in the mid-thirties changes, whatever the name for that is. i don't expect to get fat, as my mother is still thin at her age, and my body resembles hers, and she had two children, and she breastfed us. but i can tell: something is changing.

i didn't know that i would get chemical sensitivity and environmental illness, and that it would waste many years of my life. i didn't know that mind control was real, and that i would become aware of being a slave, constantly watched and influenced by some people or a system, so that i don't know which thoughts and feelings are my own. there is bitterness instead of happiness. a grim feeling, resignation to fighting battles i didn't want to fight. but also, i know what's causing my illness - mostly. knowing what causes it, i can avoid it. it's better than not knowing anything.

there was also the realization, if other people can have children, so can i. i'm not perfect. i won't be a perfect mother. reading about adoption, i can say: even THE GOVERNMENT doesn't mind giving away children to imperfect parents! it's funny, a government organization, the adoption services, they ask you some questions, but they don't expect perfection. they just want a basic minimum of criteria that you have to meet. so in that way, even the government approves of imperfect parents.

the voices talked to me about it, some time ago last year, and they agreed that i 'deserved' to have children. i had also been reading the ... what's it called? the author, the website about ... nonviolent communication. there is no such thing as 'deserve.' i liked that idea. it's complicated and i won't get into it right now. there's no such thing as 'deserve,' but there are such things as consequences, and there are such things as rules and laws. but in a spiritual sense, everybody 'deserves' to be happy and live a good life, a fulfilling life. i didn't feel safe having children whenever i was a mind control slave, and getting sick every year, and not being able to keep a job - i was afraid i'd marry an abusive husband, then become unable to get away from him. and having several children to care for at the same time.

i was thinking of something; a series of thoughts - there are only three months, maybe less than that, when i feel comfortably warm. june, july, and august. nine months out of the year, i am uncomfortably cold. they wondered about sweat, and the way that i smell, because that has been an ongoing theme of questions over the past year, having to do with grooming rules and sexuality and naturalness. that was irrelevant.

anyway it's relevant to keeping windows closed, and the house air being moldy and toxic, and having chronic fatigue and depression, and being incapacitated and unable to achieve goals. my life is a huge amount of wasted time, due to chronic illness.

the grooming rules are very important to me; however, i didn't realize it, i wasn't consciously focused on it, until last year when the voices began questioning me about my unusual grooming practices. they made me aware that yes, this is something i care a lot about, and i want it to be part of my family and my community. they called my attention to looking at young children, last year when a lot of this began. i had avoided looking at everybody; and i also had my mercury-silver dental filling back then, and probably felt differently than i do now. and i was using more drugs. but, they had me notice, and look at, young girls and boys. people walking on the streets, people walking around in the store where i work. i am obsessed with hair. i also notice clothing somewhat, but not as much as i notice hair.

i react very strongly to the sight of young boys with long hair. i was uncomfortable about this at first, last year when they started 'nudging' or 'urging' me to notice people. it felt like pedophilia. however, if you become a parent, you will spend years in a house with young children, touching them, breastfeeding them, changing diapers. it is constant closeness and physical touch. and i have some anxiety about touching and being touched, about what is appropriate, and everything goes into the 'inappropriate/pedophilia' category too easily. part of this process, over the past year, has been to let me learn that it isn't pedophilia, merely to have intense reactions to the beauty of young children. i respond very intensely to young boys with long hair, and i call them 'beautiful angels.' and it seems like i'm not supposed to feel that way. and it hurts to see all the other boys with their hair chopped short, because for whatever reason, i respond very differently to that. it is a constant frustration. i wasn't consciously aware of it until 'they' called my attention to all of these phenomena.

my 'angels' will have long hair, and nobody will stop me from doing that. i'm not planning to send them to a public school. there won't be any conflicts with the school over how short a boy's hair is supposed to be. i've seen occasional news articles where this happens.

'pedophilia' is in the gray area of normal parenting: all of those things are very close together. it is inevitable that when you raise children, you will kiss them, breastfeed them, hold them, touch them, including their genitals, you'll be bathing them and cleaning them and putting clothes on them. you'll see them go to the bathroom. you'll see them naked. everything that feels like a social taboo, you have to do over and over again, every day.

this is a puritan prudish society, in the usa, where people freak out about seeing a woman breastfeeding her child. the perversion of freaking out about something which is healthy and necessary and normal - the prudishness is itself the perversion. not the breastfeeding.

so, everything that feels forbidden, everything that makes me feel like a pedophile, i will have to do every day, and get used to it.

i have a feeling that when it starts to happen, i will know exactly what is or isn't normal and healthy. i'll know it instinctively. i don't mean that i'll be perfectly skillful or that i won't make a single mistake. i just mean in general, a lot of these things that seem creepy or pedophilic right now will clear up and they won't be a problem for me.

the amazement of watching a child grow up. it's not like owning a dog or a cat. you can watch the dogs and cats get bigger, and they learn some things, and you might house-train them and watch their progress, and you bond with them and love them. you can teach a dog to sit, or lie down, or roll over, or bark. you can train them to do outdoor work, or to help a disabled person. but they never talk back to you. you can observe their behaviors, and yes, they do have emotions and personalities.

but with human children, they will talk back to you! an infant child is a tiny animal that looks like a human. it has eyes that look at you, and it has tiny hands and feet. but it doesn't say anything. after a while, it will start to say words that you can understand. this will be hilariously funny when it happens. it's like your dog or cat starts talking to you.

and then, they start thinking and feeling. and they do what you tell them to do, and believe what you tell them to believe... until a little while later, they start to disagree with you. and over time, they disagree about more and more things. they've learned things that you never knew. they agree with some of it, but it's inevitable that they will become different people who do different things than you did. and you keep these people in the house with you, and teach them to support themselves financially. you teach them a lot of things, and then you let them go. but they haven't really gone. and they come back to you, asking for help now and then. you never stop being a parent. this person came from you. you watched them all their life. you saw everything that they learned.

...... so i'm not planning to leave state college just yet. but i don't know where i will live. i am under a lot of stress and i feel like i'm not in control of this, like it's just happening on its own. in some ways i'm afraid, but not really afraid - it will be okay.