Ambulance triggers panic attack.

(I'm in the mood to capitalize my sentences. Don't know why. No need to overanalyze.)

I disconnected from the internet and was thinking about what I might want to eat. I looked out the window and saw an ambulance pulling into my parking lot, along with a car.

I think what might have happened was, somebody might have called the ambulance while driving, and they pulled off the road, or something, I really don't know. It had nothing to do with me personally. They pulled off, and went a little further down towards the pond, and a couple people got out of the ambulance and were talking to the people in the car.

However, when I saw the ambulance, and when they stopped, I had a panic attack. 'Just get out of here,' I said, and I calmly walked down to my car, looking at the ambulance and wondering if somebody would try to stop me or chase me. I got in my car and left. Nobody chased after me.

I had a panic attack because in 2003, I think, the police were called and I was taken to the mental hospital, because I had been writing letters to a former co-worker at State of the Art, Inc. I was involuntarily committed for five days, but fortunately, at that particular hospital, they did NOT force-drug people who calmly refused drugs. I was calm and 'well-behaved,' not fighting or shouting, not showing any intense emotions, so they didn't drug me. That was very lucky, because at some places, they just drug anybody and everybody even if you refuse. Drugs can have permanent, disabling effects.

So when I see an ambulance - and an incident has recently happened, where I tried publicly 'outing' Martin, and also testing the censorship theory, which is that I often believe that certain pages of my blog are not visible to the outside world, if they contain controversial or important information - so that incident happened yesterday, and it could be construed as 'libel.' Although I framed it in a way that was not intended to harm his reputation, unless he wanted to have a reputation as a jerk who deliberately seduces girls and then won't answer their emails, in which case, I might be wrongfully improving his reputation by making him look like an innocent person who can't understand why he's losing all of his emails and phone calls - when in fact, he's doing it deliberately.

Does that make any sense? So anyway. Now, I'm sitting around wondering when the police will be called, because I wrote his full name in my publicly readable blog, and described him in a way which he might think is inaccurate and doesn't represent the true person he is. Although I think my 'he can't help it when emails get lost' theory is much nicer than the 'he's a jerk' theory. Now I'm wondering if his name got automatically changed to some other name, like Fred Smith (who is Fred Smith and why do I always use him as an example whenever I need a fake name?).

I should post the responses that he's written to me in recent months, in his note that he gave me and his facebook email replies. The only phrase I can use to describe them is, 'WTF???' His responses were exaggerated, irrelevant, had little or no connection to anything I had said. It was like randomly blurting out a bunch of defensive-sounding, I don't know what the word is for it, 'bluster?' 'You crossed a line which was unacceptable.' (What line? WTF? That's what I'm trying to ASK you about!) 'I never considered anything flirting...' (WTF? Okay, okay, we weren't flirting! Friends only! Jeez!) 'I am getting tired of this...' (WTF??? I haven't written an email to you in months, and you're tired of it? Has something been happening that I don't know about? Is somebody writing you emails and impersonating me?) And then all of a sudden, here he is reading my other blog, looking at my youtube video, and then mimicking my face and my gesture but adding a middle finger to it as well. WTF?

So I really don't know what to expect. He's sort of unpredictable. That's why I was trying to communicate with him and ask him what he doesn't want me to do.

Anyway, so if that blog post was libel, using his real name, it's libel because it wrongfully ruins his reputation as a jerk, and instead, portrays him as a nice, innocent guy. Or at least, that's what 'they' have been joking about all day long (joking, or being cynical, or whatever the word is - they tell me they're serious, not joking). Me, I'm still doing the 'he really IS innocent' interpretation, until the very end when he decides on his own to communicate some more to me. If I had a conversation with him, and he tried to explain what was happening and why it happened, I would try to understand and take him seriously. But I'm imperfect, and I'm also a puppet, and puppets cannot do the mental focus needed to be understanding and compassionate; so sometimes, I say the wrong thing.

Anyway, I protect myself by saying 'whatever is happening, he can't help it.' I have reasons why I use that theory. It protects me from getting angry at a time when I can do nothing. I can't communicate with him, so what use is it to get angry? As a target, I would be angry 24 hours a day, being the victim of constant attacks that I can't stop and can't control. I tell them 'no,' I tell them to stop, and they don't - they just do whatever they want, against my will. I would constantly be angry at invisible people who are far away and unreachable, and even if I could see them or meet them, I still couldn't stop them from doing what they do. So my way of dealing with this is to suppress the anger. Plus, I used to get angry a lot more when I was using drugs and withdrawing from drugs - they intensify all feelings and emotions, and murderous rage, and everything else that I used to do whenever I was talking to the hackers on the keylogger at work. I'm not using drugs anymore except when I have transdermal residue accidents. I also think the old metal dental filling made me sick and angry more than I am nowadays.

(I think metal earrings and piercings cause metal poisoning, and affect emotions and behavior and health. This includes metal watchbands that touch the skin, and metal eyeglass rims. I am wondering what nonmetallic materials can be used for eyeglasses. Contact lenses are bad in some ways, but eyeglasses might be bad in other ways. However, these are things that a person might do their own tests and observe their own symptoms. Usually if something is severe, you can notice effects very quickly. I noticed it right away whenever I put copper hairpins into my wet hair, and had a tingling sensation on the skin immediately, and then other symptoms after that.)

So I protect myself against anger, because I would be helplessly angry all the time, and not be able to do anything about it. That's why I keep on saying, Martin can't help it, he's not receiving my emails.

(It was 'they' who pointed out that I should make fun of how he spells 'confortable.' However, I myself don't mind it that much. In some regions, people pronounce it that way, and it would be an accurate spelling for how it really sounds. I think he is being deliberately rebellious by continuing to spell it that way, or not 'rebellious,' but rather, doing it the way that he thinks it should be. I can't say the word 'February' the way it's spelled. It sounds something more like 'Febwary' or 'Febriary' or 'Febuary.' I had to clarify this, because he had some person commenting on his blog, who made fun of his writing style or something - I didn't save the comments anywhere, and I don't remember what was said; he said that he could write a formal essay style if he wanted to, but why do that, since this was just a personal blog? I agree with that; and no, I'm not the person who was making that comment or harassing him about his informal writing style.)

(My other feeling about that is, I was *GRATEFUL* to get a reply from him, ANYTHING AT ALL. He could misspell every single word, deliberately or accidentally, so that I could barely understand a thing he said, but I would be grateful merely to get a response at all. And I wouldn't be picking on him for how he spelled something. I don't want to discourage him from writing to me because he thinks I'm going to complain about imperfect punctuation or spelling or grammar, when my own grammar isn't perfect a lot of the time.)

Well.... so, this morning... ambulance. I drove off in my car for maybe twenty minutes or so, went someplace random, came back, and the ambulance was gone. They had been with another car, and they were all getting out and talking to each other. So something was going on. Like I said, on the one hand, I could tell it had nothing to do with me, but on the other hand, I had a panic attack, and I didn't know what to expect, because I myself, and Martin, and the attackers, and everybody, is unpredictable.