very, very long rant, to avoid doing work

i have packed some of my books into small boxes today. i didn't get a lot of them packed, just a few. i wanted to do the books first, because they're heavy, so those will be boxes on the bottom of the box piles in the storage unit.

touching the books, i got a dry sinuses feeling. it was mild, and not as severe as some of the objects that were blatantly contaminated with ephedra. so i don't know for sure if it's just a very low-level ephedra residue, or if it's something else that dries out your sinuses. a long time ago, i wouldn't have noticed that kind of effect, because i didn't know it existed. you only find out about it if you handle something as deadly as ephedra. when it affects you, you can't ignore it or fail to notice it. after that, you then become aware of ALL transdermal residues.

some of the stuff on the books might be flea powder from when i lived upstairs. several years ago, the mange was my big issue, before i found out about... 'other problems' to worry about, for instance, electronic mind control. so for a while, i was fighting the mange, putting flea powder all over the carpet upstairs, and i made myself sick for months with exhaustion caused by pesticides. a lot of the mange came from visiting eric's house, because we had the stray cats over there, which got mange on the carpets and furniture, and eric didn't vacuum or shampoo the carpet very much. i stopped getting mange so badly when i stopped visiting eric's house. nowadays, i only get outbreaks of mange if i buy new clothes and don't wash them first. i assume it's ALL new clothes if they've been tried on by some other customer, then put back on the shelf. but i buy most of my clothes from goodwill nowadays, so i can't say for sure if the problem happens at other places besides goodwill (used clothing), if it really is just from somebody trying it on, or if it's because of somebody else owning it first. i can't explain why 'somebody else's' mange is always irritating at first, and then you either get used to the mites, or you scratch them off and get rid of them. you really do get rid of them when you scratch, so don't let anyone tell you not to scratch. a lot of it goes back and forth between humans and animals, but it also goes from human to human.

i want a house without carpets. carpets are stupid, horrible, dangerous, a nuisance, and they are bad in every possible way. I HATE CARPETS.

my landlord called my mom (because she's been paying my rent, because i've been too sick to go get a second job... because i need a second job, because the government made this law saying that if you work more than forty hours a week, they have to pay you overtime, which has forced all employers to do everything they can to avoid overtime, which means that they are always cutting hours, and nobody can work only one job, which means everybody gets two jobs, neither of which is paying overtime, which defeats the whole purpose of making a law that says you have to get paid overtime if you work more than forty hours a week. I HATE GOVERNMENT.)

anyway, my landlord called my mom, since she's paying my rent for me. he told her that i haven't been moving out. that's because this past week, i was fighting to stay alive while having recurring transient heart attacks caused by rhododendron residues, which got on the car floor when i got back in my car after walking around near the rhododendron plant that i took pictures of. i was forced to go to black moshannon and take pictures, because 'they' gave me the idea that this would be a fun outing for me to do. (normally, i would try not to blame them for this 'accident,' and i would try to give them the benefit of the doubt. but sometimes, i feel as though the attacks were deliberate and intended to cause injury.) i had driven my car through black moshannon on my wandering car trips, and i had seen the very large, strange, scary radio towers, which were fascinating. i noticed them and wondered what they do. so 'they' decided a couple weeks ago that, all of a sudden, i should go to black moshannon and take some pictures of the big giant radio towers. it was intended to just be an enjoyable picture-taking outing.

my 'spontaneous' outings and car trips are often prompted or urged by 'them.' i can't always explain why i go where i go. i go on car trips to get out of the house, because for one thing, this house makes me so sick that i want to get out. so i have been driving around a lot in the past few months, so there was nothing really unusual about another idea to go on a car trip.

however, it seems like a 'coincidence,' that neda soltan and michael jackson both died in a very big, public, famous way, with the whole world watching, from something wrong with their hearts, and at the same time period, i suddenly got exposed to rhododendron contamination which has been giving me transient heart attacks every time i get the residue on me. it's one of those 'coincidences' where i want to blame the puppeteers for making me do something, and yet, at the same time, a lot of the voices that i hear, and the people that i interact with, treat me in a benign way, and only a small minority of them ever do anything which is obviously destructive and hurtful. but that small minority of attackers do a large amount of damage.

when i talk about that subject, i always must give the disclaimer: that if i could 'opt out' of hearing voices, i would.

everything that i have gained, everything of value, that came from the voices, i could have (and should have) gotten from a face-to-face, real world conversation instead of by having voices put into my head. anytime i've taken their suggestions, it could have potentially been done by using a real friendship, open communications, through talking, phone calls, letters, web pages, etc. it didn't depend on the particular communication medium being used: electronic voices in someone's head. it should have been communicated by some other method instead. so i say that if i gained anything valuable or useful from 'them,' it should have been communicated to me using legitimate methods, instead of voices in my head.

so anyway, mom was talking on the phone with me, and i knew this would happen: after arguing with mom, the LAST THING on earth that i wanted to do was work on moving out. mom is all panicking and freaking out because the landlord called her about how i haven't done much moving.

i told mom the truth, in an angry way, and i explained about the rhododendron incident and my heart attacks. i said to her that i already knew she wouldn't believe a word i say. i could demonstrate the transdermal route of entry for herbal poisoning, but A. i don't have much to gain by convincing her, and B. i would not want to do anything severely dangerous or destructive, and yet, she wouldn't understand unless she really experienced just how bad it is when ALL OF YOUR CLOTHING gets contaminated and you can't wash it out, even after multiple washings. so i won't be doing that, because that's destructive and not useful.

if i ever do any demonstrations, it will be a demonstration which is carefully planned and designed in a way to make the point, without harming anybody, to demonstrate that 1. herbal oils leave residues on objects and clothing, 2. these residues go through the skin, 3. very low dosages of these herbs have noticeable effects on the body, especially in a person who is a 'slow metabolizer' or 'low metabolizer' or whatever it's called, whenever your DNA can only produce one copy of the enzyme, or whatever. ('fast metabolizers' are people who produce several copies of the same enzymes, so they have a whole bunch of 'chemical cleanup systems' running at the same time inside their bodies. apparently i'm one of the people who produces hardly any of the enzymes needed to break down chemical poisons.) and also, 4. you can wash the clothes a hundred times, yet it still won't remove the residue.

as for #4, think about the colors that are dyed into your clothing. those colored dyes are a chemical which is specifically intended NOT to come out of the fabric, no matter how many times you wash it. the dye will slightly pale or fade, but it won't come out of the fabric completely.

the herbal residues do come out, a little bit, because apparently they're able to disconnect from the fabric they're sticking to, and go through your skin into your body. but apparently, they still stick to the fabric very strongly even in the washer, and also, the water dissolves them and moves them around so that they spread all over the whole load of laundry.

the chemical contamination has been the center of my life since 2007. it is unimaginable. if i had to rank whether contamination or electronic mind control was my biggest problem, believe it or not, i am ranking the contamination as being WORSE for me than electronic mind control. the chemicals are MORE life-threatening and more constant and more hard to avoid, in a way.

as soon as the contamination is gone, the electronic mind control will rise up to being one of the highest priority problems again. but right now, it's a lower priority problem.

i had wanted to build a shield, too - just a very low-tech shield, to test things like what would happen if you block out ambient non-directed radio waves, like cell phones. i was going to do that years ago. but then i contaminated everything, and then also the air in the apartment was moldy, and i couldn't do the shield project, even though it should have been simple, cheap, and low-tech and easy to test.

i can't look back and figure out which things i was FORCED to do, versus which things i decided to do on my own.

last night i was talking on the phone to peter, and they were constantly urging me, prompting me, cueing me to say things. there was a silence when i didn't have anything to say, and they kept trying to force me to ask questions ('how are you feeling? what's your blood sugar at? how did your day go? what's your schedule in the next couple days?') i resisted them, and instead, complained to peter that i was currently having 'unwanted mental experiences' at that moment. this is one nice thing about my relationship with peter, that i told him years ago that i have 'unwanted mental experiences' and that i hear voices, and we trust each other enough that i can occasionally complain about it if i have to.

that is the pettiness of their constant micromanaging. that conversation wasn't life-or-death! it was trivial, everyday small talk! nobody was going to die! lives weren't on the line! if i had an 'awkward silence' or perhaps a 'comfortable silence,' what harm would that do? who was going to die if i sat quietly on the phone with peter (who, by the way, was probably FORCED to call me at that particular moment) and didn't say anything at all? what's wrong with 'dead air?' why is silence THE END OF THE WORLD? why must you fill in every single tiny second with some trivial bit of small talk?

so every now and then, when i am in a bad mood, when i am under stress, when i have PMS as i did very badly this whole week, when i have other things to worry about that ARE a very big deal, i become unable to endure or tolerate or happily go along with all their petty micromanaging.

they don't understand the concept of 'laissez faire.' leave it alone. hands off. don't intervene. let it be. they can't tell the difference between what is important versus what is trivial.

whenever i was a young child, i *DID* experience 'comfortable silences' while talking to people! i remember. comfortable silences were something that could happen every now and then, and you didn't worry about them. you didn't have to fill in every single instant with constant babbling. and i felt much closer to people that way. in the silence, you can feel your feelings.

that was something that i liked about martin. he said something to me about having a problem with 'awkward silences,' and i'd have to read his emails again to see if it's something he wrote in an email, or something he said out loud or on the phone. but he mentioned awkward silences. i LIKED his awkward silences. they are much nicer than the artificial, prompted, small-talk babbling that i am forced to do.

i'm not sure how long it will be that i am still remembering martin and thinking about him. based on my past history, whenever i get a 'crush' or 'infatuation' with somebody, it tends to keep going for a long time, sometimes a very long time, even when that person is no longer nearby or is no longer part of my life. i'm actually somewhat worried about that, because it could be a year or two from now, that something will happen, like i'll get exposed to drugs again, or something, and 'they' will force me to suddenly get the urge to go looking for martin. i am physically capable of, for instance, trying to search for his home address.

(luckily, i have not yet taught myself how to 'hack' into computers, so i don't have to resist that temptation. that would be a project that would require a lot of learning and practice, and i am avoiding going that direction. hacking doesn't guarantee that you will get real information or truth - you could still be manipulated or deceived by other hackers, by 'the system,' by censorship, by unknown puppeteers and... whoever. and i have always worried that, with my luck - or my being manipulated - that i would probably be the one and only person who was ever caught and put in jail for 'petty hacking,' the type of everyday hacking where people snoop and read other people's email, and all that - the stuff that the younger generation takes for granted nowadays. in my generation, snooping into emails was still seen as unusual, or not done very often, and not taken for granted. nowadays, however, spying on someone's email or their social networking sites is the 'first response' to a crisis. girlfriend breaks up with you? first response: hack her email to find out if she's talking to another guy. that's what people do nowadays, at least that's my impression.)

i think that hacking is probably similar to looking in the palantir, in the lord of the rings. when you look in this crystal ball, you will get bits of the truth, but it's easy to misinterpret what little you see. you won't get all of the facts, you won't get all of the truth, and you won't know what conclusions to draw or how to interpret what you see. and the images can be tricks, set up by someone else using another palantir. a hacker might think that he can finally see the 'real truth' by spying on someone's email to find out 'what's her REAL opinion of me?' and so on, but he could still be seeing only an 'edited version,' with things removed or changed, for all we know, by some other hacker or system.

i still, to this day, don't know whether martin got all of the emails i sent him, and i don't know if i got all of the emails he sent me. i don't know who wrote the few emails i did receive from him. i don't know if he really 'dissociates', blanking out and then forgetting what he said. i swear i saw something happen one or two times where he really did seem to switch to some other way of acting, for a minute, and say or do something strange and unexpected. one time when he did this, it happened right when i also heard a voice in my head, talking about something which had to do with him.

so nothing is resolved, which means that he and i are both still in danger of some kind of stalking incident. i wanted to find some reliable way to communicate with him, so i was going to just add him as a facebook friend, and then i would, at least occasionally, be able to read a brief comment from him now and then, or ask him a question, or find out what he's doing, and i would no longer have that urgent, panicky feeling or get the beliefs in my head (from them) that for some reason, martin is in danger or martin needs me, and i ABSOLUTELY MUST GO FIND HIM RIGHT NOW because he needs help and we haven't been able to communicate. that's one of the most frequent ideas that they put into my head, that for some reason, martin needs me but can't communicate with me, and i always believe it, because somehow it seems like it's possible. apparently, this is a vulnerability of my personality that they are taking advantage of.

i have been reading about ichazo, the enneagram, and the three instincts (note, there are probably more than three, but they are emphasizing three MAIN or GENERAL instincts, which include other more detailed instincts within them). social, sexual, self-preservation. i don't know for sure which category it's in, but they are manipulating an instinctive feeling that i need to protect martin or stay connected with him, as though he is my child or my mate, or some other kind of close bond. something which is not merely a casual friend, but instead, somebody who i am supposed to be responsible for, and have to give some kind of material help in the real world. so they've been reminding me about him a lot over the past week or so, and not letting me forget him. i am wondering how long this is going to last.

i didn't write the details of the dream the other day - all my dreams are fake, there are no 'free' dreams that happen by themselves anymore - my mind never creates its own dreams, but instead, they are all written by an external attacker. they occasionally give me pleasant, enjoyable dreams, and the martin dream was comforting, intimate and erotic, but i am not going into any detail about it.

i already know that 'they' will be freaking out after i publish this, if i publish any blogs that mention anything sexual at all. i also know that i'm probably being influenced by drugs, and that there is no way NOT to be influenced by drugs whenever i am moving my belongings and putting things into boxes and touching contaminated objects, and getting into strange moods. obviously, i am stuck in 'infinite writing' mode right now, where i write a blog for a very long time in order to avoid doing something painful. it's painful and stressful to walk up and down the stairs carrying boxes. i carried a few boxes down to my car, and i will drive them out to the storage place today. but it is physically painful and unbearably stressful to be packing and moving things for hours.

mom threatened to send dad up here to help me. that would actually be worse than doing it alone, because dad doesn't know the 'contamination rules.' he doesn't know how you have to avoid touching certain objects or avoid setting things on the carpet in certain places. so if he were helping me pack things and put them in the car, my car would get even more contaminated and so would all my stuff.

so anyway, there is a real risk right now that as i move all my stuff, i will be getting hit with various drugs, over and over again, which will cause me to write blogs for hours, and i'm afraid i might try sending an email to martin or something. it causes me pain to do that, because he either doesn't reply, and then i start to wonder whether he received it at all, or whether something prevents me from getting his reply, which makes the problem get worse and i want to send another email to try to get some kind of response - or else, he does reply, but only rarely, and only some of the time - and the last couple times he replied, he threatened to call the police. (the voices were joking about that afterwards, saying, 'which police, the real ones or the fake ones?') after that, i had several 'obvious perp' incidents, which involved real people and they behaved in a fake and insincere way ('bad acting' or 'overacting') and it was associated with hearing voices - and i don't usually call people 'perps,' but these were definitely perps (but then again, in a court of law, i would still have to prove it - it is *ALWAYS* theoretically possible that someone was being manipulated, no matter how certain you are that they knew what they were doing). they behaved like people who know exactly what they're doing, and are doing it consciously. they didn't act like innocent puppets who don't understand the meaning of the words that they impulsively blurt out (which i myself have experienced). these people were clearly 'perps.' perpetrators of a crime or 'activity.' the perp incidents had a kind of entertainment value, but were not really threatening or 'abusive,' they were just getting my attention in a way.

i had to read back at the beginning to remember something i was going to say.

it helps SO MUCH to have someone on earth who BELIEVES you and LISTENS to you. if someone just listens to your feelings whenever you tell them an unbelievable story. if someone takes you seriously and respects you.

i was thinking of this because of fighting with mom on the telephone, knowing that she thinks i'm crazy, that she doesn't believe there is any rhododendron residue giving me transient heart attacks, and i didn't bother trying to explain to her that i 'got the idea' from somebody to go to black moshannon and get some up-close rhododendron photos, thinking to myself that even though i already knew rhododendron was poisonous, i figured it was LESS poisonous than ephedra, i figured it was only MILDLY poisonous, and so it wouldn't be dangerous to walk next to it.

that's kind of true, and kind of not true. for instance, poison hemlock is everywhere. poison hemlock is what they used to kill socrates, or whoever. he drank it. but poison hemlock is also considered a 'medicinal herb,' and the settlers brought it with them when they came to the usa from europe, if i understand correctly. it's a non-native plant that was brought here deliberately by some people.

well, now it's everywhere. i've walked next to something which i thought was poison hemlock, or a relative of that plant, and i got slightly dizzy and sleepy, but that was all. just mild sleepiness. so i would categorize that plant as being less dangerous to walk next to, but at the same time, you don't want to break the plant, or grind it up with a lawnmower or a weedeater, or step on it, or get it on you. and i don't know how badly it contaminates nearby soil. anyway, the basic idea is that (i hate whenever they 'prompt' my sentences) you sometimes can walk around close to poisonous plants and it isn't necessarily going to cause major problems. so i assumed rhododendrons were like that, you could walk near them and not get contaminated too badly just by being close to them, or standing on the soil next to the plant.

i had an experience at work several weeks ago. it was a positive experience in a way. it had to do with 'the value of expressing your feelings to someone who listens.' it had a positive result, but actually, i changed back to my previous way of doing things. here is what happened.

there is a rule that we are supposed to package the fried chicken a certain way, which i disagree with. you're supposed to fold down the flap of the bag, then put the label on it, and make the label face backwards, away from the customer, so that the customers deliberately cannot read the label on the bag to see what's in it. they are supposed to look through the little window on the front of the bag (according to the explanation i was given) and be 'enticed' to pick up the bag, turn it around, and read what's on the back side of it, inconveniently facing away from them, to see what's inside. after they've picked up the bag and they're holding it in their hands (the explanation continues), they're 'more likely' to continue with the momentum, now that they are holding the bag in their hands, and say, 'yeah, i'm gonna buy this,' and then take it, since they had to physically pick it up in their hands to turn it around backwards and read what was in it.

this fits in the category of 'insane self-destructive stupidity done as an act of desperation by clueless managers who write rules without consulting the *sane* people who actually work in the stores and have a clue.

anyway, i never packaged the chicken the way the other people did. i did it my own way. i put it in the bag with the label, and also the little window, facing towards the customer. i like the idea of convenience and courtesy for the customers. not only can they see what's in the bag by looking at the window, they can also see the words written above it, and the price, and it's also facing towards them.

i have seen customers doing this:

they pick up the bags, turn them around, with an annoyed look on their face. 'how irritating it is to have to dig through these stupid bags looking for what i want. i'm getting impatient. i'm losing patience. i'm still turning bags around one after another and moving them all around this hot case. time is passing. i'm still turning around one bag after another to read what's written on the back, inconveniently facing away from me. i'm getting very annoyed now. i can't find what i want. i can't tell what kind of chicken this is, looking through this dim little window. i can't find what i want. it's not here. i give up.'

the customer walks away, annoyed, not buying anything at all.

this is reality.

as i said, the rule is insane, and i do not follow that rule. i face the labels, and the windows, and the bags, conveniently towards the customer. customers are happy and grateful to quickly and easily read and see what's in the bags. they can find exactly what they want, quickly and easily.

recently a co-worker explained to me why my way was wrong. i told him that i didn't like to do it that way and that i felt rebellious about it. i expressed frustration about how i disagreed with that way of doing things. i told him how i felt.

i know some people who would have been bossy and interrupted me and would have just commanded me right that instant to do it, or else, because that's the way it's done. but this particular co-worker just listened quietly while i explained my feelings. he seemed sympathetic, while at the same time, was telling me that i was supposed to do it this other way that i disagreed with. and i think that's a good way of communicating. after i vented my feelings, i was willing to give it a try. i actually changed my way of packaging the fried chicken, because this co-worker had listened quietly while i expressed my disagreement, and he acted like it wasn't the end of the world, and like this was no big deal. like it's okay to have feelings, it's okay to disagree with someone, it's okay to feel annoyed and frustrated about your job and about how they do things around here. he didn't give me 'do it, or else!' and he didn't give me 'your intelligence is threatening to me, therefore i will say something insulting to make you look like an idiot,' either. he didn't give me the 'you're crazy' attitude. he just listened in a sympathetic way and we were both a little bit amused by it, and we joked about it a little afterwards.

so i actually tried doing it the 'bad, stupid, insane' way. i put the labels on the back, facing away from the customers, so that they would pick it up and hold it in their hands, theoretically making them more likely to just go with the flow and take the bag, now that it was already in their hands.

i did it that way for maybe a day or two. however, an incident happened - it didn't take long - which made me very angry, and i changed back to my previous, sane way of doing it. (you can't imagine how frustrated i feel at my job. i am the lowest of the low, the bottom of the pile, the least respected in the hierarchy... yet i sometimes get customers who tell me that they only want ME to do something for them, because they like the way i do it and they don't want anyone else to do it. in other words, REALITY likes the way i do things.)

here is what i saw. i had all the labels facing inconveniently backwards, like i was told. and there was a lady with a couple boys standing in front of the hot case looking at the bags of chicken. she didn't bother picking up every single bag and turning it around to find out whether or not we had the type of chicken she wanted. she just stood there and glanced at it, looking more frustrated and more sure that we didn't have anything she wanted. *SHE DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TO PICK UP THE BAGS AND TURN THEM AROUND.* the bags looked like a blank, meaningless, incomprehensible bunch of 'stuff' that she couldn't quickly see just by looking at it. 'is there any popcorn chicken here? i don't see any. no, i don't think they have any popcorn chicken...' i saw this happening. she was talking to the boys, who were also just standing there glancing at these meaningless, incomprehensible bags of chicken, which you can't really see or understand. and then, *THEY STARTED WALKING AWAY.*

did they bother to pick up each and every bag, reaching in there, turning it around to read the bag? no, they just stood there, looked at it for a minute, became frustrated and annoyed, gave up and left.

and as a matter of fact, we DID have popcorn chicken! they assumed we didn't have any! it was right there, but they couldn't see it! we had two bags of popcorn chicken. so i walked over there and pulled out the two bags for them and showed it to them, and she took one of the bags from me. but what if i hadn't been there while this was going on? we would have lost a sale because of the insane stupidity of facing all the labels backwards to inconvenience the customers!

by the way, about reaching into the hot case turning the bags around: that's dangerous - a lawsuit potential! the hot lamps up above, in the case, will burn your hand if you accidentally touch your hand against them. i did it before. it fries your skin instantly - third degree burn. so you have this customer, impatient, annoyed, and frustrated, unable to quickly find what they're looking for, hastily shuffling through lots of bags of fried chicken - and in their haste and annoyance, they tap the back of their hand against the heat lamp. what do you think this impatient, annoyed customer is going to do then?

and people have been turning the hot lights up to the highest setting, too - *EXTREMELY HOT!* - hot enough to melt the plastic containers when someone pushes one of the rotisserie chickens over to the side where the fried products are (yes, that has been happening too: they are turning the heat lamp up to the highest setting, then rotisserie chickens get put over there, and their containers get all warped and melted) - because in that hot case, the fried chicken quickly becomes lukewarm. so this is *LAWSUIT POTENTIAL*, somebody burning their hand because they were reaching into the hot case, turning around one bag after another to inconveniently read something facing away from them, on the back. *DO YOU SEE WHY I AM ANNOYED!* i don't even want to fry chicken ahead - it only takes six minutes! we should just make it *to order* and not prepare anything ahead of time, except maybe during the busiest time period, during lunch hour on weekdays. any other time, there are hardly any fried chicken sales, and *WE ARE THROWING IT ALL AWAY*.

but no, instead of making less shrink, we are cutting costs another way: cutting employees' hours! so i'm not getting any hours, because our company doesn't get much business during the summertime when the students are gone, but we're not allowed to cut back on production and waste - instead, we cut back on employee work hours.

we are not allowed to judge for ourselves what sells and what doesn't sell, at the local level, or how much of it, or how to package it.

there are some types of businesses where consistency, sameness, and reliability between different stores is important. for instance, sheetz. when you're driving on a long trip, you see a sheetz store, and you always know that they're all guaranteed to be open 24 hours a day, so you're more likely to go there. however, if you see some other gas station, like uni-mart or exxon, you don't know for sure whether that store will be open during the nighttime, so you don't waste time getting off the exit and driving to that gas station only to find out that it's closed in the middle of the night. when you see sheetz, you know right away that every sheetz will always be open 24 hours. in that situation, it's important for all the stores to do exactly the same thing, all the time.

but with this grocery store, with how much chicken we sell or don't sell, we DON'T want to be exactly the same as every other store. instead, we need to judge for ourselves how much to make, and when to make it. i am tired of making tons and tons of food, only to see it getting thrown in the garbage, and then, i and the other employees get our hours cut in order to save money.

my department is one of the most wasteful, biggest losses in the whole store. i will be the first to lose my job whenever my store finally admits that the entire corporation is bankrupt, like every other big business in the world that has been using the government's fiat money system and borrowed money. i can already see it, that if they start cutting departments, my department will be judged as too wasteful and they will get rid of it.

all businesses are bankrupt. that's the conclusion i've drawn. everyone is millions of dollars in debt, nobody is making any real profits, and nobody has a net worth greater than zero. i'm sure there are some counterexamples. but i won't get started on the subject of what's wrong with the fiat money system and why.

the purpose of this blog was to avoid moving my stuff into storage, and also, because i got hit with drugs while handling the books. so i've spent a few hours 'ranting and raving' and entertaining myself by sitting at the computer typing, instead of running up and down the stairs feeling the pain in every bone and joint in my body.

i hope: to live a contamination-free life in the future, where i don't get hit with drugs all the time. i'll be getting rid of more of my belongings. i hope to be healthier and not feel pain all the time. i hope to have help and to be able to talk with people who understand.