Nonliving objects have feelings

i sometimes hate being 'thin-skinned'...

i am throwing away some clothes which are contaminated. i know from experience that when i would try to wear them, the drugs would go through my skin, and i would be uncomfortable for hours, and it wouldn't go away, and i could wash them dozens of times - i tried - and it won't wash out. i'm handling stuff that has a more benign residue, something like st. john's wort possibly, not ephedra. most of the really bad ephedra stuff is already long gone.

however, even though i know that i have to get rid of this stuff, it is heartbreaking to throw it away.

this has happened ever since i was a young child. i project feelings onto physical objects as though they are alive. i threw away a pair of old moldy shoes that had been soaked with water. they were sitting in a plastic bag alongside an empty bottle of starbucks frappucino.

i took out the bottle of frappucino and put it into my kitchen trash. then, i took the shoes down separately to the dumpster.

right away, i started thinking, the shoes had sat there with the starbucks bottle for so long, that they were friends and they would miss each other now that they were separated. it actually hurt me to put the starbucks bottle into a separate trash can than i was putting the moldy old shoes into. i guess i could bring the kitchen trash down and put it in the dumpster right now if i really wanted to.

but when this happens, when objects have feelings, i have to tell myself, these are not people, these are not animals, these are not my friends, family, children, they are not alive. material objects are nothing.

when i was a little kid, i never threw away an old toothbrush whenever the dentist gave me a new one. i kept all the old toothbrushes under the bathroom sink in the cabinet. i kept them there for years and didn't do anything with them. one time, my mom found this hoard and threw most of it away. i had several incidents like that, of hoarding things because objects had feelings and they didn't want to get thrown in the trash.

i was reading about scientology. scientology has a purification protocol. it's different from mine. in theirs, you take large amounts of vitamins. in mine, i avoid using vitamins because the vitamins themselves can be dangerous and cause more problems. anyway, i haven't read the detailed instructions on how to do scientology's 'purification rundown,' but i wonder if they have any knowledge about contaminated clothing with drug residues that go through the skin. they did mention something about using that purification rundown to help people who were working on cleaning up meth labs. meth labs are similar to my ephedra residues, in fact, ephedra is often used in meth labs, and it would be one of the residues that they are cleaning out of the area. they would have exactly the same experience with an extremely toxic, heart-attack-and-stroke inducing drug going directly through the skin and contaminating the clothing. so i wonder whether they (scientology) know about that phenomenon or not. i haven't read about this anywhere else, not in quite the level of detail that i have observed it.

anyway i wish that i had support, from somebody somewhere on earth, who could say to me, 'yes, you're right - there really are drug and chemical residues on those clothes you're throwing away, and yes, you're right, they won't wash out in the laundry.'

i hate throwing things away. i wish i didn't have to do it.

but i am reminding myself that the goal is to prepare for having children. the children cannot touch these residues. and i cannot touch them either, or it will be hard to get pregnant and not miscarry. not only that, it triggers incidents of 'unpredictable behavior' which put me at risk of people calling the police on me.

i was already 'anti-gift' before this contamination incident. now i am even MORE anti-gift. i HATE receiving gifts. it's more junk and clutter that will have to be moved from one apartment to the next. if you give me a gift, then you must be responsible for lifting it and carrying it up and down the stairs and renting out extra storage space to put it in, and cleaning it off when it gets contaminated.

it's possible to find a gift that i would enjoy receiving, but even i myself can't describe what type of gift that would be, i mean a nonliving physical object type of gift.

it's easier to throw things away whenever they are plain and not unique, when they are practical and functional instead of decorative, whenever they don't have any faces or images of animals or people or living things on them. i get the creeps from amish dolls that don't have any faces, but at the same time, i feel that way too - that it's even more painful when a toy or doll gets destroyed or thrown away, if it has a cute face or a sad face and you can project feelings onto it. if something is blank and faceless it's easier to get rid of it or accept that it gets destroyed.

so, for instance, it's easier for me to throw away my plain white socks, which tend to get the most contaminated because of being in my shoes which touch the carpet - anything which gets near or on the carpet gets contaminated.

i am buying really cheap clothes at goodwill, and avoiding anything that's unique. it has to be generic and something that i don't like all that much, yet i have to be able to tolerate wearing it for a while.

i was really excited because i found a pair of pants that were made out of tencel. and i think they were $0.29 (for some reason, they changed it to 29 instead of 25). tencel is a fabric that i really like - it's like cotton, except it's manmade - and a few years ago, i had a couple of shirts that were... inappropriate to be worn in public, i should say, which were tencel and very soft and very thin. the fabric is drastically different from polyester - i loathe polyester, i can't stand it, i can't stand how it feels. but tencel feels just like cotton, but even softer and more rippling. it breathes, and it doesn't get staticky. i cannot wear staticky fabrics, especially with long hair.

anyway, i found those tencel pants, and right away i said no, i refuse to buy these. i could not bear to throw away something so nice as a 29 cent pair of tencel pants when that was such a wonderful find. every time i get ready to buy something, i ask myself if i can imagine throwing it away.

after i go to the new place, the carpet won't be contaminated. but my car seat will still be, and also the car floor. but i expect that my clothing will be reusable - i am praying that i will work, that i won't have the contamination problem anymore, when i no longer have pants leg cuffs dragging on the carpet. it will be greatly reduced, but not completely gone, with the little bit still in the car.

well... back to cleaning up.