A Dull and Boring Soul?

5:57 PM 8/10/10

I am in coffee withdrawal again. I have a splitting headache. This headache is much worse than it was the last time I quit coffee. I'm quitting coffee because I've been drinking tons and tons of it every day to help with my chronic fatigue. And I've been drinking coffee instead of eating food. And I've got some cavities developing in my teeth. Last time I quit coffee, my teeth gradually remineralized and stopped hurting, so I'm doing that again. But I can't get anything done.

There is a torture going on about my Ichazo's instinctual type. It wouldn't matter if I weren't fighting with the voices. If I were free to be myself, then I would be able to express my soul to the world - it's something I would have learned to do over the years. They're wondering if I'm a sp/so instead of sp/sx, because of how difficult it is for me to relate to other people, to bond deeply with them, to attract them, to express myself to them. They're always wanting to change my instinctual type - this is nothing new. They're saying that I have the 'coldness' in my personality instead of the warmth and charisma that the sx instinct gives you. I don't know how I'd behave if I were free, like I said, but yes, I do have a cold, formal dignity that gets in the way of sexual expression and openness.

I remember something someone wrote on a forum about the instincts. It was a sp/so type who complained about the stereotypes about that instinctual stacking. She said, 'I'm not just a coupon-clipping worker bee!' I agree with her. I have a soul. I have feelings. I have a desire to bond with someone and to love them deeply. I watch movies, and I listen to music, and I respond strongly to them if they're done right, and if they're done badly, I can't stand them, or if they express ideas that I hate, then I can't stand them.

I can give an example of something I'd never do. There's a lady at McDonald's who acts like someone who has a strong sx instinct in her personality. She isn't really beautiful - I don't like to insult people if I don't have any reason to insult them, and I don't dislike her, so I don't really want to describe all the ways that she's ugly instead of beautiful. Just take my word for it that she isn't beautiful, she is somewhat ugly, by most people's standards. But she has a husband, if I understand correctly, and children. And a few days ago, one of the other guys who works there had come in to work, and when she saw him, she moaned, 'Ooooh, it's Jeremy,' and she looked up at him in a seductive way. Then she said, 'Have you lost weight? Every time I see you you seem to be getting thinner.' He said that yes, he had been losing weight.

I can't imagine myself openly flirting with anyone like that, ever. Lack of confidence, partly. Partly because it just seems unnatural for me. Even if I am sure that someone is attracted to me, I can't say things like 'oooh, it's Jeremy', just because I can't talk that way. It's almost physically impossible for me to talk that way.

There is a sort of dignity that gets in the way, and a feeling that it is too special, too sacred, too vulnerable, to express myself that way out loud. There is something too direct about it, too exposed, - and maybe if I weren't being listened to and spied on by murderers who make a big, huge deal out of anything sexual, then it wouldn't be so difficult for me. It's something that you absolutely must *not* make a big deal out of. If you do, it gets destroyed instantly. When the murderers attack me they always attack me about things that are sexual. They zap me the most when I'm trying to be close to somebody and enjoy the moment with them. It's like their goal is to prove that I am soulless and therefore it's okay for them to destroy my life.

I've been reading Twilight. I never read those books before. I saw the movie Eclipse and so I decided to start reading the books. Everyone likes to read about people who have 'dark secrets,' like Edward being a vampire. But I was comparing that with myself. I have dark secrets too; why doesn't anybody like my dark secrets? Because my dark secrets are dark, BAD secrets. Mind control is real. We are all potentially its victims, although some people are attacked more than others, while many people are mostly ignored. Usually, this is something you don't need to know. If they're not attacking you, then you don't need to even be bothered with somebody's else's problem of electronic harassment. That person is just unusual and unlucky and they must have done something to make somebody mad at them. There is no good side to that secret.

But the 'dark secrets' in these books, like Edward being a vampire, or reality being a Matrix, or Harry Potter being a wizard, always have a good side to the dark secret. You're a vampire, but it's really cool because you can live forever and have special powers. The world is a matrix, but if you learn how to manipulate it, you can do amazing things that nobody else can do. You're a wizard, and you're different from everybody around you, but, once again, you have special powers, and you have a whole community of people supporting you.

My dark secrets don't really have a good side. So I was trying to figure out what 'special powers' I have that would make somebody want to know my dark secrets. There is one thing that I can do. I know about saving money and I know about a frugal lifestyle. If you question the way you spend money, if you question everything about money, then you can save enough money that you can work fewer hours at your job. And if you work fewer hours at your job, then you can actually spend time doing things that matter to you. You can spend time with your family, or working on hobbies and projects, or just doing nothing and relaxing and having fun. I have spent years learning all about money and how it works. So if you are trapped, working too many hours at a job you hate, I am the person you want to get to know, because I sympathize with your problem and I know there are ways we can solve that problem.

So that is the result of fighting with the voices about my 'boring' self-preservation instinct, and what could possibly be good and exciting about it. It really is exciting if you can control your finances and quit working so many hours after you change your lifestyle. You can have the things you want in life instead of just wishing for them. My 'special power' is power over money.

They have been giving me this feeling a lot: that I'm boring, that nobody wants to know me, and that my soul, if it exists, is worthless to everyone. Somebody out there is pushing a button on a machine to give me that specific feeling, and they've been pushing that button a lot lately.