I am officially a $5 whore.

I tried writing back to a couple people who contacted me on the dating website. I also had my first offer of money from someone who loves natural female body hair and he would like to pet me. They were online and I ended up responding to two or three different people at the same time, people who were emailing back and forth to me while I was trying to write to them. I didn't know who I was talking to. Then two people, at least two different people, asked if I could talk with them or see them today.

I got offline eventually and immediately got a phone call from someone, and hell if I even knew what his name was. I didn't know which letter-writer I was talking to on the phone. I talked with him a few minutes without using his name and without asking his name. That went okay.

Then I hung up because I had to go eat something. I told him I was getting painfully hungry and it made me become grouchy and irritable. So I hung up the phone. I wanted to go out to eat, but all of a sudden, I started crying and bawling uncontrollably, and clutching my chest, and digging at the bed with my fingernails. I cried like someone had just died.

While I was suppressing my screams and scratching the so-called 'bed' (which is actually a piece of cardboard right now) with my fingernails, the phone rang again, and a guy began to talk to my answering machine. I was still in the middle of crying. It turns out this was the guy who wanted to give me money to let him pet me. So I picked up the phone and cautiously talked to him, but I tried to tell him I needed to go eat, and he was slightly panicky because of his fear of loss and his lack of control. He wanted me to stay on the phone, and I did, and so I talked a little bit to him even though I was hungry and irritable and I had just been crying uncontrollably.

It was the death of love. It was the death of something. It was the idea of taking money from people. It was the loss of someone who I have tried to communicate with, and haven't been able to reach.

I went out to eat and got Burger King food. I need so much help, I can't even begin to ask for help. I need someone to cook for me. I need someone to support me while I try, over and over again, to somehow get the bone marrow poisoning out of the refrigerator, while at the same time, knowing that nobody believes that any invisible vapors could POSSIBLY be in there FOR REAL, yet I have to do it anyway. I need real food, and I need the drug residues cleaned up, and I need money, and I need more time to do my projects, and I need a mind control shield that nobody knows how to build. I need a supportive community too, and I need my children, and I need my plastic dental fillings to be removed because they cause breast pain and they most likely cause birth defects. And nobody can imagine how extreme this is, but I was looking online to buy my own dental drill because I will remove the plastic fillings myself, since I couldn't get the dentist to do it - he said it would be unethical to leave me with unfilled, open cavities after removing the fillings, even though I REQUESTED that he do that. I tried removing them with a drill bit by hand, but it wouldn't dig in. That is the sacrifice I will make to protect my children against the plastic. Not only that, but it will be impossible to breastfeed them because of the pain that the plastic causes in my breasts, so this *absolutely must* be done. I will sacrifice those two teeth because of the great importance of breastfeeding and protecting my children against birth defects. This is unthinkable to most people, but to me, it is necessary.

I've stopped crying right now, and then, I guess it was the voices, they wanted me to write an email to Curtis bragging that I had been offered money, and I was supposed to make a joke that I was being paid only $5.00 an hour, that I was a $5.00 whore, and I didn't think he would be able to afford me because they cut his hours this week, so, ha ha to him, he can't afford me. But then I was also going to say that I can't pay him HIS money until my clients have paid me MY money. So it was all looking like a big joke. But I didn't say those things and I didn't email him that. And no, I don't know how much money this guy was offering. I was just negotiating, mentally, in my head, what would be a fair amount, since I'm a minimum wage slave at my real jobs, and after taxes, I get like $6.00 an hour or something. If I made $5.00 an hour doing something I enjoy and making the world a happier place, without expending much effort to do it, then actually, $5.00 an hour wouldn't be that bad.