Twilight Eclipse; instinctual type; Muzak

7:12 AM 8/3/10

I woke up being attacked by the voices again. They were trying to change my instinctual type to several different things. They were telling me 'they can't STAND her,' 'her' as in 'me.' But I won't let them change the type away from self-pres being first. I've always been interested in self-improvement, self-development, nutrition and health, and those kinds of things. It wouldn't bother me as much if they insisted on changing me to self-pres/social. That's the type that I guessed I probably was the first time I looked at it. That was my first guess. Some evidence for the social instinct is that I have been interested in groups like the libertarians and objectivists. 'The responsible businessperson' is something that describes me.

So I will go look again at self-pres/social and see if that description fits me. Telling the truth about who I am is the only way for me to ever fall in love with anyone. If I am being someone else, no one can know me. That wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I am being controlled and made into a puppet constantly.

I went to see Twilight: Eclipse last night after shopping. I never saw the first movie. I did see New Moon, though. I never read any of the books. I loved the soundtrack at the end of the movie for Eclipse. I stayed until the end of the credits. There is always something that tries to force me to get up and leave. I don't know if it's a sonic attack, I don't know if it's done by the movie theatre itself deliberately, or if the murderers are doing it, but it makes it hard to sit there while the movie credits play, and you have to FIGHT the urge to get up and walk out. The murderers usually do that kind of thing. I had to force myself to keep sitting there while everybody else got up and left, and the music was really good and worth listening to.

I like to watch them talking to each other, Bella and Edward and Jacob. They seem like the description of Sx types. Loving each other is the most important thing on earth to them. Loving Edward is more important than having children, to Bella. If I understand correctly, the vampires can't have children? I never read the books, so I don't know things like that. She wants to become a vampire and give up the chance to have children. And I read Julian Simon's books and decided that having children was very important to me - it was something that I insisted I must do.

Last night they were trying to make me jealous of Curtis and Carrie again. It was because of having watched Eclipse. Curtis had said that he was reading those books, back at the time when New Moon came out. So when I watch those movies I think about how they might represent him. I'm thinking of his artistic taste, his aesthetic taste, how he decorates himself and how he decorated his car and also his MySpace page (during the brief time when I was there I saw a lot of 'goth' or 'vampire' themed pictures). His aesthetic taste is beautiful to me, just another thing that I love about him.

But what the voices were doing was playing something in my head that, supposedly, Curtis and Carrie whispered to each other. Carrie said, 'Did I win?' and Curtis said, 'yeah.' This was supposed to make me jealous of them. And it does make me jealous, but there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is find my own person to love. And of course they will keep forcing me to obsess about him, and they will force me to do something else like write a note or call him. It will always be something.

(When I say that they are forcing me to do these things, what I mean is that yes, I WANT to express my love to him, but, on my own, I never would have even TRIED. I assumed from the beginning that it was impossible. There were guys who I was strongly attracted to, all the way back in high school, and they never liked me. I've always seen myself as someone that the really attractive guys didn't like. I was lucky enough to find boyfriends over the years, and I always felt that they were 'attractive enough,' meaning that I didn't really feel like I was 'settling' for someone 'unattractive' to me. But there were the other people who I found *VERY* attractive, and I don't see those people being attracted to me in return.)

I agreed to write a note yesterday. I wrote about how something happened in the text conversations that had hurt me, and told him I loved him. I also sent him an email saying that. I never know if the hackers/murderers are intercepting the emails or not. ('Hackers' and 'murderers': there are individual people who hack computers, but when I'm referring to them as 'the murderers,' I mean the people who are destroying my entire life by using electronic attacks and everything else they're doing. That's not the same as somebody just hacking into computers and doing nothing but that. I'm talking about somebody interfering with EVERY online communication that I do, putting words into the sentences, preventing emails and texts from reaching their destination, and so on - anything to keep people from loving each other and communicating honestly with each other.)

I still don't really understand why Bella hesitated to marry Edward. I'd have to read the books to get a better idea of what she was thinking. She said that where she came from, for people her age, marriage was something people did if they had gotten pregnant. She said it's just a piece of paper, or something like that.

(*I just remembered something. Yesterday the voices told me that I had alienated my readers because of complaining about men's hairstyles and saying that men were repulsive to me. That's something that I would never say if I felt as though I was in front of an audience. But this blog doesn't FEEL like anybody is really reading it. If I knew that there were lots of short-haired clean-shaven men in my audience, then no, I wouldn't go insulting their hairstyles and telling them they're repulsive to me. Usually things like that are something that the voices are forcing me to say anyway, and I think I recall that was one of the things they forced me to write.*)

(*I have a different approach to changing men's hairstyles. I decided that there was only one way to do it, only one way that would work, and that was, to make a group of people where they were REQUIRED to do what I wanted them to do with their hair. That way, you wouldn't have to fight an individual battle with people, there would be no arguing, you wouldn't have to hurt people or insult people, you wouldn't have to change people one at a time. They would have some kind of incentive or reason to be in the group, something to gain by being in the group, and so, growing their hair the way I want them to is part of the price to pay for being in the group. It would guarantee that large numbers of people looked the way I want them to look, and it would have nothing to do with their personality types. Right now, it's usually a certain personality type that tends to grow their hair the way I want, or it seems like it is. I thought it was always Myers-Briggs SP artisans, but 'they' convinced me that Peter is an SJ Guardian, and he has slightly long hair, although it's actually a mullet because he shaved the top of it when it started getting thin. He says that he keeps his hair long because his son, Deter, recognizes him that way. So I guess there are SJ males who grow long hair.*)

'Curtis,' or whoever I was texting with, asked me if I was a virgin. That was a couple weeks ago now during the conversation where 'he' said that about six other girls wanted to be with him. (I'll never know for sure who I was talking to until and unless I can verify every word of it by showing it to him.) I didn't know why he would think I was a virgin. Was it because I seemed like a religious type, and he didn't know what my religion was? I'm not a Christian. I have had sex before marriage. I thought it was an insult - that I was so unattractive that he couldn't imagine anyone would ever want to have sex with me. That is obviously not true, based on my experience. And I know he doesn't think I'm unattractive - he acts like he's attracted to me. So I didn't know why he asked that. But after watching that movie, and seeing how Edward wanted Bella to remain a virgin until she was married, made me wonder if that's what it was about. He wanted to protect her soul, he said.

I am nowhere near being a virgin to sex. When I lived with my ex-boyfriend, we had sex hundreds of times. I have lost count of how many times we had sex. But there are a few things that I am a virgin to. I am a virgin to having a baby. I thought I might have had a miscarriage, quite a few years ago when I was living with my ex-boyfriend. We used condoms but we might have had an accident, because there were a couple months when I stopped having my period, and I kept doing pregnancy tests and they kept saying negative, and I didn't know what was wrong. And then I had a gross, yucky material that came out, and I described it to my mother, who said she had the same thing happen and she thought it might be a miscarriage. So I might have been temporarily pregnant but it did not develop. Other than that, I've never been pregnant. That is the one big thing that I AM a virgin to.

Also, I'm a virgin to being with a guy who I am very, very intensely attracted to. The guys that I've been with are just *moderately* attractive. I've never been close to someone who I felt was *extremely* attractive.

I've never been passionately, intensely in love, except with Terry when I was a teenager, and that was an unhealthy, abusive relationship, and we were both still living at home, and we couldn't really go anywhere to have sex, and I didn't know HOW to have sex, and I didn't want to get pregnant. I've never been with someone who I loved deeply in every possible way and was also extremely sexually attracted to. So yes, I am a virgin to some things.

*****

There is something that the murderers do to the music, the Spamzak, the Muzak on the intercom at work. They are hacking the satellite feed - if I understand correctly, that Spamzak comes from a satellite. They force commercials to play at the worst possible moment of a song, and they usually put subliminal whispers that I can hear into the commercials. They play a song that I really like, a song that I respond emotionally to, and then they start the commercial interruption at the exact moment of the song that I like the most. This is not a joke, it's something that the murderers are really doing to me, and they have been doing it for a long time. They really are doing that.

The subliminal whispers used to say things like 'not right now - dirty girl's trying to get dishes done,' back when Martin was here - they would try to force me to go talk to Martin, they wanted me to go shout at him, 'Why aren't you answering my emails?' and things like that - and they would sit there forcing me to rehearse those things, over and over, for hours, while I was working, while I fought against them and refused to say those things to him - and so they'd say 'not right now,' meaning, now is a bad time to talk, because I'm busy - and they called me 'dirty girl.' Dirty girl meant that I was physically dirty, and it also meant that I was a 'game player,' someone who 'plays dirty,' was deliberately manipulative, a liar, who meant everything sarcastically, and they told me that Martin believed that every word I wrote was meant sarcastically and he had to do the opposite of everything I said, for instance, if I said I liked long hair, he had to cut his hair short, and that kind of thing.

There was something that happened when Martin and I first started emailing each other. In the very beginning, just a couple of emails really got through. I really enjoyed talking to him. Actually, I enjoyed READING him. I've talked enough, and I love to listen to someone else who has something to say. But then, the emails stopped, and the murderers attacked me very severely and tried to force me to do things, and they interrogated me for several weeks about things like why I didn't shave. Almost everything I wrote, during that time period, was fake. I was even being drugged - sometimes, they were making drug users walk in, and do the seduction hand touch, stroking my fingers whenever I handed them something over the counter, and I would get a transdermal drug reaction, usually to things that felt like antidepressants, but I can't know for sure what the drug was. I had strange, mind-altering experiences, like, I remember once walking through the grocery store and looking up at the ceiling and noticing that there are these mirror-like things up on the walls near the ceiling, and I wondered what they were. I wondered if they had something to do with security cameras. And a voice was talking to me at the time, and they were pretending that the mind control system came from zeppelins, or something that floated in the air above us, and that the zeppelins were invisible, but if I were on the right drugs, I'd see them, because they used mind control to make themselves invisible, to make us unable to see them even if we looked directly at them. Usually, in the dream images, they are shooting lightning bolts from above, in the sky. All of that happened because Martin and I tried to make friends with each other.

The voices told me that he asked me to marry him. I didn't believe it - I figured they were lying. I wrote him an email saying that the voices were asking me to marry him and I didn't believe it.

Well, I started this by writing about the music on the intercom. I was listening to the music at the end of Eclipse. Anytime I react strongly to music, the murderers put a fake commercial into it, when I'm at Weis. It seems like they are also taking away all of the music that I respond strongly to. If I like a song, they take it away. But during the time when I had met Martin, they played a song on the intercom at Wal-Mart, and they told me that I was the 'only one who heard that song.' It was called 'Slow Me Down' by Emmy Rossum. I never hear anything from her on the Spamzak, so it was very unusual to hear this song. The spamzak is designed to cause the LEAST amount of emotional response, whether it be positive or negative. The songs that are so familiar, they're meaningless. The songs that you've heard a hundred thousand times and you ignore them. It's like Christmas music, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Or like playing 'Happy Birthday To You' or 'The Alphabet Song' ABCDEFG... HIJKLMNOP... over and over all day long, that is how I feel about the Spamzak.

They played 'Slow Me Down' because I had written a note on my computer about how I was in college having a conversation with my friends, and we were talking about 'getting to first base' and I was saying that I couldn't remember what each of the bases MEANT. I said something like, oral sex was at second base, or something that was too extreme or too early, and they thought that was hilarious and Valencia said, 'Whoa! Slow down!' So after I wrote that comment in my notes, they were playing 'Slow Me Down' because of that. And it was a beautiful song.

They take away the songs and they tell me that they want to keep it a secret, the fact that I have a soul. If I respond strongly to music, it's like I have a soul. If I sing a song and really feel it, if I merge with the music, if I dance to it, if the music is beautiful, it expresses my soul, and they take that away. And this is no joke, they are really doing this. I hear fewer and fewer songs on the radio that I like, especially on the Spamzak at work, the one that's controlled by satellite. I can hear 'I Wish That I Had Jessie's Girl' a hundred million times, at every store I shop at, and I get to think about how jealous I am of Curtis and Carrie being together, and other unpleasant emotions that I feel when I hear that song, or I can hear 'You Gotta Be Cruel To Be Kind' and get angry about abusive relationships. But I can't hear obscure songs that I didn't know I would like, I can't hear songs that express my soul, I just hear the blandest, stupidest music that has been played a million times and means nothing to me.

So... I liked the Eclipse Soundtrack.

I hope I can get something done today.