The soul is a delicate and fragile thing.

9:30 AM 8/3/10

I wrote in my last post about how they try to hide the fact that I have a soul, especially when I respond strongly to music.

I cannot be close to people even when I am close to them. I remember noticing this one day, and I know it happens all the time, not just once. But I was particularly aware of it one day. I was sitting on the couch with Peter, snuggling with him, just sitting there, and I wanted to *feel* like I was close to him. I wanted to *feel* like I was there, with him, close, in the room, in the moment.

But I was constantly being zapped. Every few seconds, there was a zap. It distracts me and destroys my concentration. So I cannot feel 'in' the moment, no matter what I'm doing. This is called 'flow' - I read a book about it by some Russian guy - I could look it up on Amazon. Mihaly Cziksentmilhalyi, or something like that, a book called 'Flow.' I didn't spell it right.

There is no way to enjoy the presence of a loved one if you are constantly being zapped by an electronic attack. In order to experience love, you have to be 'in' the moment, so you can look into their eyes and feel yourself merging with them, to feel that you can see into their soul. I have experienced that feeling a couple of times in my life, briefly. And you don't have to do that CONSTANTLY in order for it to be love. But you do have to be able to feel 'in the moment.'

I don't know if all of the attacks are being consciously controlled by someone, or whether some of it is 'ambient radiation,' the ordinary radio waves around us from cell phones and radios. Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity - this is another group of people that I read sometimes, people who write about that. They interpret the phenomena as being caused by hypersensitivity to electromagnetic radiation, instead of interpreting it as being caused by conscious humans stalking, spying on, and attacking you. I believe that *both* phenomena are happening.

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: This is the metaphor that I use to explain this. Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says that you can't know where a particle is, and where it is going, at the same time. Or how fast it's going, or something like that. You can know one or the other, but not both. If you shoot something at it, so that something bounces back to you and tells you 'That particle was over there,' you've just bumped into the particle and made it go a different direction. You have to bump into it in order to find out where it is. But if you do, you change what it was doing. It's no longer going the same direction it was going originally. So if you try to 'watch' a moving particle, you are always changing what it's doing, and it won't be able to 'act natural' or 'pretend we're not here.' That is how I feel every moment of my life.

That is the metaphor I use for electromagnetic hypersensitivity. Even if all they did was watch, they would still be disturbing the person they were watching. I assume they are using an 'active surveillance' attack, instead of a passive surveillance attack. If you are merely listening to someone passively, just receiving the signals that they send out, then no, you don't hurt them directly by doing that. But if you shoot something at them, if you shoot any kind of radiation at them at all, it disturbs them, even if it isn't 'meant' to disturb them, even if the military and all your superiors and your bosses and your leaders tell you that the radiation doesn't disturb them, *IT DOES*. If your bosses say, yes, okay, it disturbs them a *little* bit, but it's *nothing important*, what that means is that it disturbs the most fragile, delicate, most subtle expressions of their soul, and your bosses are too blunt, crude, blind, ignorant, and soulless to believe that those fragile things are anything important, that they actually *matter*.

I have meditated. I have studied self-improvement books. I have changed my beliefs and my habits. I have observed myself. I *know* that whenever you have an urge, or an impulse, or a feeling, or a belief, it's a very subtle, quiet thing, something very hard to feel, hard to hear, hard to sense. They aren't big and obvious things. The slightest noise will disrupt it. The slightest interruption, the slightest distraction in your concentration, totally destroys this fragile little whisper that expresses your soul.

Some people find it easier than others to express who they are. That is why I study personality types and instinctual types. For some, it's easy. They could express the deepest passions of their soul in the middle of a tornado. Nothing can disturb or disrupt them, because that is their strongest ability. Other people, however, will be inside the tornado screaming, 'AAAAAA! A TORNADO!!!' And I shouldn't make jokes because it's almost always some kind of unintended sexual reference, and I'm guessing this one probably is too.

Imagine Scrooge falling in love. We've watched the movie. (I've seen the Disney version.) We know it's possible. We know he loved someone once, long ago, and lost her. When we watch Scrooge trying to fall in love, we feel sorry for him, and we're cheering him on, hoping that he succeeds, hoping that he can win the love he deserves and become more of a person because of it. But imagine that something was happening to make it difficult for Scrooge to fall in love. He already has a hard enough time. If something made it even more difficult for him, he would never be able to do it. He would become totally preoccupied with his money and other things that usually worry him, because that is what's most important to him and most natural to him.

I keep telling the voices that I wouldn't worry about drug residues, except for the fact that *THEY'RE THERE.* If they weren't THERE, I wouldn't worry about them. It's like living in Iraq, in a war zone. You worry about the bombs going off, you worry that somebody might get killed, you worry about loud noises and other scary things, BECAUSE THEY'RE THERE. You really are living in a war zone. It's normal to be scared when you live in a war zone. That is what I am trying to say is happening to me. I *really am* surrounded by a dangerous situation that has to be fixed, and until it is fixed, I won't be able to live a normal life. But when it is fixed, I will stop worrying about it, and I won't just invent some other worry out of thin air, unless the murderers force me to do self-destructive things to keep ruining my life over and over again.

But when someone is in a stressful situation, in a dangerous situation, in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, or an unhealthy society, they aren't able to function at their best; they aren't able to express the most fragile, delicate parts of who they are. And especially when they are being zapped with radiation 24 hours a day. The weakest parts of you will always be weak if you are constantly under some kind of attack.

But I do have a soul, though it's hardly ever seen or felt by anyone. It is here silent, waiting, and alive.