all of a sudden, total silence... the trail is cold

something is wrong.

after i complained about him in my blog enough times, 'they' suddenly urged me to google his email address - after all these months. so i tried that and finally found a blog to read, as a substitute for the nonexistent/redirected/lost emails that i wish i had received.

i have calmed down a little bit after getting used to it. i am trying to understand what role i'm supposed to play in this person's life. i've been getting angry because what i (semi-jokingly) call the 'do-gooder mafia' used to try to 'fix' my 'bad behavior,' all the things they disapproved of, when the harassment began years ago. and i wonder if the do-gooders are trying to make me change this person or make him into what 'they' want him to be. a lot of the harassment was about 'self-improvement' in the beginning. they used to try to make me do my chores, obey the pennsylvania grooming standards, etc. so maybe they want me to try to make him stop drinking or something like that. i'm not going to make somebody stop drinking unless they actually requested that i help with that. in other words i'm not here to interfere in his life or change him.

the blog ended and there are no more updates to it, which bothers me. he was blogging regularly for quite a long time. i am now wondering what's going on or whether he started blogging someplace else. i would have been reading that all summer except that we didn't quite connect enough to get comfortable with each other or get used to each other, and i never knew he had a blog, and, in the beginning, he didn't want to tell me about it.

as i read, i notice something i've experienced myself, which is the pain of losing people in college, if you go to another school, or people graduate, and things change. there is no particular place to call home, where all the people are, and they stay there.

another good thing for my reality check is that it looks like he doesn't know where he will go, where he will live, after graduating, and, again, it makes me angry: in the beginning they were trying to make me think all these things, like i'm supposed to marry him and have kids - when this is someone i hardly know and have only had a couple conversations with, and then, we had the disappearing emails problem and/or the 'you said something that freaked me out and i decided to avoid you' problem, whatever it is. you can't even talk about marrying people when you hardly know them and aren't able to reach them whenever you try to communicate. and from what i read, it looks like he already has one or two other people who he loves or is thinking about.

whenever i'm reading these things i get so angry at 'the voices' that i want to scream at them. (i try not to scream at the voices unless i'm in a safe place, like my vehicle, where nobody can hear me screaming at the top of my lungs. anytime i need to express my emotions loudly, i go for a long drive in the car. i don't want my apartment neighbors hearing me through the wall.) they push me to believe things that are insanely, totally, impossibly wrong. if it had been ME, in MY reality, i would have accepted long ago that he has some other girlfriend, and, for some odd reason (he was probably a puppet forced to do this) he impulsively did a couple of small things that got my attention, and then changed his mind, regretted it, found out everything about me, and decided that the safest thing was to just stay away from me.

i have a 'persona' who we started calling 'snape,' as in the harry potter character. when this guy told me that he had a serious relationship with somebody else, 'snape' decided it was his turn to speak up, and he sent back a sarcastic answer in an email, which was not my style. i think that was the last time i received any emails from him, after that sarcastic reply. well, when i read this blog, i actually found an entry that mentioned something that snape had said about 'more than one person.' what i mean is, he wrote that blog entry a while ago, but it was something that one of my attackers brought up and had to say to him. ... i hate them... they always want to send the message 'i am watching everything you do, all of the time.' but they are NOT god, they are NOT angels - they're people who want to call themselves god.

***

i have had to assume all this time that, for whatever reason, he really wants nothing to do with me. but all along it was an imaginary person, an invisible person - i knew nothing about him at all. now, as i read this, i at least have a SLIGHT CLUE about what kind of person he is, what he does, what he cares about.

this hasn't solved the 'i can't look at you' problem in the real world, but at least it gives me some general background context to put him in.