they thought i was supposed to be HAPPY about this?

11:21 AM 11/26/08

now that i understand who's been stealing my emails - probably - although i don't have DIRECT evidence, but rather, circumstantial evidence or 'profiling' type evidence - now that i SUSPECT a person who's been reading my emails, - not necessarily stealing them or preventing them from going to 'mt', as i'll call him, if i post this on retmeishka -

at the very least, i now know who it is that the voices have been referring to when they've said certain things all along. 'mk' as i'll call him is the one they've been talking about when they've said that someone is fantasizing about marrying me and having kids, etc. mt is not dumb enough to be thinking those things because HE HAS A LIFE, A NORMAL LIFE, WITH FRIENDS. he is not someone who has a social disorder, and yes, i feel compassionate about that - but i feel ANGRY that someone tried to give me mk as a substitute for mt, and I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! it DOES seem more believable that mk would fantasize about marrying me and having kids, even though we didn't know each other at all, because i was someone who has shown him 'real human emotion,' as he said to me, and yes, that is actually true, i do like him but I DO NOT ACCEPT HIM AS A 'SUBSTITUTE' FOR MT, AND NOT ONLY THAT, a substitute for something else - i'll explain in a minute - and that i was forced to do all these things and I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ***HAPPY*** ABOUT IT!!!

and THEY FORCED ME to write a letter to mk asking if i could go meet him. i would never have done that. they forced me to do it at the same time that they were forcing me to say certain things to mt. all of it, all of the stupid, idiotic things in the beginning were forced.

i know what mk is supposed to represent. when i did the judith swack therapy i told her i had a sexual fetish. she didn't ask me to explain out loud what it was - if i recall correctly - i'm not sure now - i don't think i ever told her specifically what it was. but here is what happened. after i told her that, THEY interfered in my sexual fantasies, and prevented me from imagining the fantasy character i used to imagine. that was supposed to 'fix' my 'problem' of having a fetish, when the fetish was actually harmless and didn't need to be 'fixed.'

the voices kept telling me that they had 'found my dragon.' he was supposed to represent the taken-away fantasy character that they ruined back when they prevented me from fantasizing about my fetish. that was because he swallows air, and i was supposed to get off on that because it's similar to binge eating. no, i don't get off on it. i do not actually DO the fetish in reality - it was something i used to fantasize about in the past. if i am going to 'find a dragon' then i would do it myself and not be forced to go meet some person who was supposed to be a substitute for the OTHER guy who i HAD already met in person and was trying to talk to.

not only that, but the STUPIDITY of their deciding that i was supposed to choose this particular moment to stop bleaching my whiskers, and that mt was supposed to be happy about THAT. and yes, i intend to continue leaving the whiskers the way they are, but I AM NOT EXPECTING MT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! i expect him to have a similar reaction to my own - that he would not have tried to go about this in that particular way, and he would have done whatever HE chose to do, in his own time and his own way.

the stupidity of all the things they have done, all these decisions they've made, all these actions they've taken - and we're supposed to LIKE this situation that they 'gave' us in order to make us happy?

all along, they were putting voices in my head telling me things that were actually about mk. but i couldn't help thinking they were talking about mt. did they KNOW that i was misdirecting, misinterpreting those thoughts as being about mt? apparently not, or else they didn't care who i interpreted them to be about. why couldn't they just TELL me that those whispers were referring to mk? then i wouldn't be misdirecting delusions towards mt, who had nothing to do with any of those thoughts and beliefs.

mt is now a person WHO I DON'T KNOW AT ALL. i read his journal, but i wasn't supposed to just merely be reading his journal - WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ***EMAILING*** EACH OTHER! WE HAD A REAL INTERACTION WITH EACH OTHER! WE ENJOYED CONVERSING IN EMAIL! AND THAT WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME! and i was supposed to be HAPPY about some totally different guy that they gave me as a SUBSTITUTE for him, a substitute for someone who i REALLY WAS starting to develop a friendship with, someone who i was and am attracted to.

if they thought that all of these things were a good decision, then THEY CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE how wrong they are. and they can't imagine how angry i am about this. they can't imagine the contempt i feel about their decisions and the actions they have taken. and i'm supposed to be HAPPY about all this?

and no, my reactions to meeting mk would not have been like this, except for the fact that i now know who it is they've been lying about and manipulating me about, all this time, and that i was supposed to be happy about that.

and meanwhile, people are pissed off because i semi-jokingly, semi-seriously said 'project network corrupt.' now they're pissed off because i'm still using the internet after having made that statement! and because i'm still blogging. they took it as a command to actually start something, which wasn't what i meant! it was for me personally because of having had all my emails redirected, and/or ignored by the recipient.

i am writing on retmeishka because i'm sure my friends are sick of hearing about all of this, this evil, this stupidity, this obsessiveness, the idiotic things being done day after day.