'Blog' is such an unpleasant sound.

Today I googled - oh no, as soon as I started typing, I suddenly felt flooded with a million things to say...

the bulletin board system
ham radio internet
blogs at wordpress versus blogger
yesterday's disgusting experience
hope and optimism about the second job
other victims, troubleshooting some of their experiences while recognizing mc is still real

Okay, I think that was it. Anyway, today I googled "mind control" in blogs at wordpress.com and blogspot.com. I've been feeling drawn to wordpress lately for unknown reasons. I'm wondering if it's because the military is forbidding their people to read any websites with the word 'blog' in the title, which wordpress doesn't have. But what I FEEL when I look at wordpress is that it somehow feels more 'sparse,' like the web pages are less cluttered, or prettier somehow, or simpler. And I have a feeling that that's just silly. I really am semi-serious when I say that I think it's because of the word 'blog' not being in the URL.

I found a million blogs about mind control. The blogs are of much higher quality than the web results for mind control. Well, it's not so much that they're higher quality. It's more that I can read someone else's personal experiences which exactly match my own.

One thing I always want to do is troubleshoot their problems. Some people experience things that I believe are caused by mundane problems instead of mind control. I've had experience with two major things: chemical contamination, and skin parasites, both of which sometimes cause the symptoms that mind control victims describe. There are symptoms that CAN be caused by an attack, but they can also be caused by these random, insentient, unintentional accidents, and you always have to distinguish between them.

I feel strangely optimistic today, and finding so many results in the blogs made me feel that I will be able to connect with like-minded people.

I also feel optimistic because I really did go fill out an application for a second job. I went to talk to the lady, and I think the interview went badly. She seemed suspicious and distrusting the whole time, and I felt that I could not convince her that I'm a trustworthy person. The hardest part was explaining the reason why I had quit my job when I worked for that same company, in the past, at a different store. However, I feel good for having actually filled out the paperwork and gone to an interview, and I will do it again.

I filled out an application to work at Goodwill some time ago. But they never got back to me. And when I went to them and asked about it, they politely told me that they were 'still reviewing' people's applications. For a variety of reasons I sensed that this was just a polite rejection and I didn't find out why. Goodwill is a really cool place. I always see interesting people there, people who seem like my type, people who remind me of myself. There is a culture of people who are HAPPY to buy all their clothes at Goodwill, instead of being ashamed that their clothes weren't expensive enough.

Anyway, I will eventually get this second job. I am obsessed with recreating the schedule I had a couple years ago: work insanely for three days in a row, then have four days of freedom.

Imagine if you also had other people living with you so that the rent was cheaper. I have had to live alone for several years now as part of my overall isolation. And now, with the carpet still contaminated, I don't feel comfortable letting other people in here. But after all that is fixed I will work on finding people who can tolerate my waking up two or three times a night, and other things that would bother housemates. It's hard to live with people because I have to suppress habits such as talking out loud to myself as I walk around and do things. That helps me think, but I'm embarrassed to do it when housemates are there. I also have trouble claiming territory in places like the kitchen. Every time I've lived with other people, I've always felt that THEY dominated the shared areas, deciding what goes where, and that I had to keep all my stuff in one tiny little corner and not intrude on anybody. I didn't have people stealing my food because my food was so boring and unusual that nobody would want any. (For instance, back when I lived with four other people, I was cooking things like plain barley, brown rice, and small plain pieces of meat, without any kind of flavorings or recipe, and then freezing them in plastic containers so that they would last longer, and I would just microwave a little bit for a meal. I wouldn't cook that way now, because I found out that I don't tolerate grains very well, and because I've found lots of condiments and spices (like curry) that make the food actually taste good. But the point is, no one ever stole my food back then.)

I can tell this is a 'bad brain day.' The writing is very disorganized. (Oh well.)

I wrote a list of random topics above that came to mind. One was 'the bulletin board system.' I'd like to do something very simple, to learn how to 'hack' computers, in a 'safe, risk-free environment.' I'd like to do this:

1. Get a second phone line.
2. Hook up my laptop to one line (note: I will back up everything important on the laptop first: it was intended to be a NO INTERNET computer and so I've been more careless about backups) and the PC to the other.
3. Dial directly to my PC using the old-fashioned method: hyperterminal or telnet. Something where one modem directly calls the telephone number of another computer, the way we did back in the 80's.
4. Mess around. Make changes. Find out how to get into things I'm not supposed to get into. Nobody should care, because it's my own computer.

When I read about hyperterminal, I ended up reading about bulletin board systems (BBS). That was the original internet. I've started liking things that are 'primitive,' simple and basic. I like bulletin boards for that reason. They were like forums, except you were dialing directly to the computer that had the bulletin board, instead of going through some mysterious, huge internet server or whatever you do nowadays (I know very little about how the internet works). I like this idea because it can be done by agreement between private individuals. You can just get a group of people who know the number to call.

I've also read about attempts to send the internet signals over ham radio. Again, that's something that can be done on your own. It might not have to be ham radio, but any kind of radio. Radio in some ways is actually MORE 'primitive' than systems that use wires, because it's cheap. Historically, a lot was being done by radio, long ago, when people couldn't afford to lay wires to a million places. This is one way you could gradually get out of the government monopolies on telephone, cable, and internet. It's true, they jam radio signals and there can be a lot of interference, and it might not be reliable. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's impossible or useless to even try.

I don't have much time left before I have to go to work. So I will spend the last couple minutes complaining about something horrible that happened yesterday.

I was finishing up my lunch break at work. I went into the bathroom and noticed that somebody was in the last stall, but I didn't think anything of it. After I had gone into another stall, I heard a horrible gagging sound and liquid splashing into the toilet. I looked under the stalls and saw that the person's feet were facing towards the toilet.

I had just eaten. I ate one of the most offensive foods known to mankind: spicy buffalo chicken.

If I hear the sound of somebody else throwing up, it immediately makes me feel like I'm going to throw up too. I have no control over this.
In addition, the norovirus spreads very quickly when virus particles are aerosolized as somebody vomits. I had already heard rumors that there was a vomit virus going around. So I didn't want to be in an enclosed space with floating virus aerosols.

So I put my fingers into my ears while going to the bathroom. However, and I won't go into much detail here, but sooner or later I would need at least one hand free before I could leave the bathroom. So I kept one finger in one ear, then pressed my other ear against my shoulder, trying to cover the ear. This didn't work very well. During this time, I heard another gagging/splashing incident in spite of my ears being plugged.

I'm laughing about it right now. But at the time that it happened, it wasn't funny. I am very, very emetophobic. I started shaking and trembling. I was trying to get out of there as fast as I could, but I was only using one hand to zip and button, and that made it take longer. While my hands were shaking!

I broke the rule that says all employees must wash their hands after using the restroom. Screw that, I wasn't staying in there. I finally ran out the door and into the back room, the receiving area, where I always walk when I want to avoid customers. I actually started crying.

I told the story to the first person I saw, because I was obviously crying and shaking and upset about something. He told me that at a place where he used to work, it was a quiet office, and you could hear the sounds of the bathroom through the wall, and he used to sometimes hear people throwing up there.

I told the story to another person, but did not get any sympathy at all, because that particular person is counterphobic about vomiting: she recommends that if you feel nauseated, you should just go stick your finger down your throat, get it over with, and then come back to work like nothing happened. To her, that's just being 'tough' and being 'responsible,' and people who are phobic about vomiting are just weak. So she listened for about ten seconds and then had no more patience with it.

I ended up telling the story to several different people and observing their different reactions. Some of them gave more sympathy than others, but mostly everyone was nice about it. I just had to explain that I am horribly phobic about vomiting and that I always have been since I was a little kid.

I didn't get sick, but I had mild symptoms for a few hours, and have felt a little bit uncertain and uncomfortable, most of the night. I was able to eat and drink this morning, and nothing happened. Hopefully my immune system caught the molecule or two that I might possibly have inhaled.

I have to go to work now....