mind goes blank, puppets speak up

here is what i experience when i'm saying something as a puppet.

if i pause for even a fraction of a second to think of something to say... if i go blank... if i'm writing and i have to decide what the next word will be... if there is the slightest moment of uncertainty... when i can't remember a word and have to search for it... that's the moment when 'THEY' fill something in.

i stopped buying new movies a few years ago, so i've been watching the same small number of movies over and over again. i just watched 'the matrix' again and saw something that reminded me of this. there is one scene where a homeless guy sees morpheus disappearing into the telephone. the guy is shocked and amazed, and just simply FEELING that emotion of 'amazement' triggered some kind of alarm in the matrix. it was the 'something unusual has been sighted' message. it called the agents down to the place where they were using the phone.

well, it's like that with me. whenever i feel the emotion 'silence' or 'searching for something to say,' i have to tune in my brain to go looking for whatever i have to think of. anytime i silence my mind, during meditation for instance, i get zapped, i hear voices, and other stuff. it happens during a conversation or when writing. every moment of silence, doubt, considering, searching, is a moment when THEY fill things in.

that is the moment when i will say something that has an unintended, harmful, negative double meaning or symbolism that will be understood by the other person. it is usually a condescending, evil, insulting message, always negative. one of the most frequent messages is 'i'm watching everything you do.' whenever they try to force me to say 'good' things, those 'good' things are still fake in a lot of ways and are still harmful and unnatural - they are not myself.

afterwards, it's very hard to apologize or clarify what was said, because i don't always know that i said something with an unintended negative meaning. if i do know, i still don't like to apologize about it or try to explain it, because it happens so frequently, almost constantly, that i would start rejecting and discarding 90% of my speech if i could do that. no one knows what the real nicole binns would talk about if i were alone in a shielded room. but the shielded room is far beyond anything i can build right now and most of my conversations occur in normal locations where i have no choice about psychotronic countermeasures.

one example was a time when i said something hurtful to somebody at work. (it's not the same person i've been talking about the last couple days, it's a different person.) he said something nice to me, and i thanked him, and for a second i went blank and was searching for something to say. at that moment i suddenly said 'what is on your hat?' he had put a couple stickers on his hat just to goof around. the REAL ME didn't care, and i just thought it was amusing and wasn't even really paying attention to the hat. but the puppet voice had to make fun of the stickers. it was this sort of sneering tone of voice, a looking-down-at-you tone of voice. 'like, oh my god, you are such an idiot,' in that tone of voice. he had a hurt, embarrassed, foolish look. i do NOT want to make people feel that way. it was not me at all, and i felt horrible afterwards, but couldn't explain it to him. how do you tell somebody 'i'm sorry, there are these alternate personalities that put words in my mouth and they say insulting things to people?' i get angry if i have to apologize for something THEY did. it's not the same as apologizing for my OWN mistakes.

meanwhile, the other person remembers seeing ME, seeing my face, hearing my voice, when i said something hurtful. in their mind, it will always be associated with ME. their emotions will remember that, even if i could apologize and say 'it wasn't me.'

they aren't always hurtful, the things that the puppet says, but they are a substitute for whatever the real me would have said. it overrides something else that ought to have existed. even if an awkward silence would have existed. an awkward silence is acceptable. that's only one example of the 'imperfections' that they are always trying to 'fix' in my behaviors and conversations. they don't understand ANYTHING about self-acceptance.

i have to briefly define 'self-acceptance.' that is a phrase nathaniel branden uses. i read his books years ago. it means you accept who you are. you accept what is real. if you feel a particular feeling, that's you. if you think a particular thought, that's you. (assuming that nobody is putting artificial thoughts and feelings into your head.) it means you don't have to be perfect. it means you won't necessarily like everything you do, but at least you accept it as yourself. you had some reason why you did it, some reason at the time when it happened.

the do-gooders are the EXACT OPPOSITE of self-acceptance. to them, being who i am is always WRONG. it has to be fixed. i have to say the right things and think the right thoughts and feel the right feelings. otherwise... if i do something 'wrong,' then the entire universe will collapse and the entire human species will be wiped out for all eternity and this will be an inconceivable disaster. they don't know how to just tolerate realness, imperfection, naturalness, liberty, spontaneity, originality. they can't tolerate uncertainty: what happens if you DON'T KNOW in advance what the results will be? oh no! that would be horrible! we have to control everything so that there will be no uncertainty and no risk!

i just noticed i spent a very large amount of time griping about them, which is either because i have an upset stomach this morning, or because i'm going into withdrawal from having used my sjw yesterday. the gripe was just getting longer and longer and more hateful. it's all true, but there might be a reasonable limit on how much griping i should do in one short period of time.

oh, i forgot to mention. sometimes i get reminded that i don't give enough acknowledgment to my old friends from wv and that i keep saying 'i don't have any friends' and things like that. when i say that, i am only referring to (the lack of) people i hang out with here in state college.

i'm getting my own RSS feed from this blog. there have been so many posts in the last couple days that every time i update my feeds they are all from me. this is rather amusing.