get through today

11:05 AM 11/16/08

warning, this is very negative...

i did inhale a virus particle or two, because i felt sick all the rest of that day and all day yesterday, and i have a cold sore on the inside of my lip. i know i'm going to bite my lip sometime today and it's going to hurt.

the optimism seems to have been a manic-depressive thing, because i seem to have crashed: today i've been crying and feeling hopeless and feeling like i just don't have what it takes to deal with this. i just want to get out.

there are real people out there. people who are NOT psychopaths and sociopaths.

they've put words into my mouth, many times, so that it would damage my trustworthiness, so that i would look like i myself was one of the psychopaths. i can't undo that, i can't fix it, i can't make people trust me whenever that damage has been done.

i'm going to meet real, non-psychopathic people who understand all of the things that i experience, and feel the same way about it.

i know he's a puppet belonging to a psychopath/sociopath/mafia member/whatever you want to call it, and it's not his fault. he's not responsible for what they've done to me, he's not responsible for the lies they tell me about him all the time. he's innocent, he's not the one causing this problem, he's a victim of the same crime - but i don't have the resources to do anything to 'help' him. over and over again, they've tried to hypnotize me into thinking that i am supposed to 'help' him somehow.

i am at risk. he's able to say anything he wants to say about me, he's able to complain that i'm this crazy person who's stalking him or harassing him or whatever he wants to say, and then, i can't help it when they wake me up every morning putting thoughts about him into my head, and hypnotizing me to believe lies about him.

all day long yesterday they bombarded me for hours and hours, while i was at work, trying to force me to go up to him and say certain things to him. the phrases they tried to force me to say are very unnatural ways of speaking that i myself would never use. they want me to talk to him in a bossy, demanding tone of voice, which isn't me, and DEMAND that he speak to me, DEMAND that he answer my questions, etc. that's not the way that i interact with people. i don't DEMAND or COMMAND people to do things when they have their reasons why they don't want to. instead, i would just accept that he has chosen to avoid me, and i would have given up on this disaster months and months ago, except that every single day, day after day, they keep forcing these sentences into my head, constantly, and it never ends. i would have said something like 'oh well' and found some way to rationalize it or understand it, and i would have just left him alone.

i need to protect myself against this, because, as i said, nobody would accept the 'i did it because the voices told me to' explanation if he suddenly decides to complain to the police or complain to a manager that i'm 'harassing' him. i said something to him the other day, because my resistance was lowered, partly because i felt sick, partly because i was frustrated when i asked someone to help me and they refused. she doesn't understand that this is a serious problem. she doesn't understand the reasons why i can't talk to him.

he thinks it's all a joke and it's hilarious. this is why i can't talk to him. you can't talk to somebody who's laughing at you while you are going through unbearable suffering, physical and psychological torture, post-traumatic stress, learned helplessness, and years and years of prolonged, unavoidable assault and battery on your mind and body, 24 hours a day.

they keep saying the phrase 'knowledge is power' because i read that phrase at the nsa website. but they don't have knowledge. they don't know, they don't understand. they don't know what they've destroyed, they don't know what they've lost. they don't know how wonderful the world would be without their 'systems.' they don't know how well the economy would function without their parasitic laws and fiat money. they don't know how happy and creative and healthy people would be without their personality distortions. they don't have real knowledge or real power.

i don't know how to fight a psychological war against psychopaths and sociopaths as such.

i have a few permanent assumptions about him which i don't intend to change. and i have to rationalize this somehow in order to make decisions.

i know that i am in danger every time i speak to him, because he could accuse me of things which are not true, when i have no control over the constant bombardment of hypnosis and false ideas that they are giving me about him, and the constant attempts to force me to go say things to him in an angry, bossy, demanding tone of voice that is not my own voice at all.

the constant, neverending bombardment has this purpose: it's waiting for the one, rare day when i am somehow weak and vulnerable enough to actually SAY the things they are trying to force me to say. one day i might just be in a bad enough mood, i might be on drugs, i might be feeling sick. for one reason or another i will someday be in just the right mood that i will go along with the fake, demanding, bossy voice that they force into my head constantly. that is what they are trying to do. if they only bombard me with fake voices long enough, one day i will eventually do what they're forcing me to do.

i KNOW this is what they are trying to do. i NEVER speak to people in the style that they're trying to force me to talk to him with. if somebody wants to avoid me, i am going to let them walk away. that is what i would be doing RIGHT NOW if it weren't for them.

it's always the same sentences every day. this demanding voice. 'why aren't you answering my emails?' they want me to go up to him and bring up this subject in front of everybody, even though he's busy working or in the middle of something, or i myself am busy and just trying to get out of there as fast as possible. 'why aren't you returning my calls?' 'are you receiving my emails?' 'how many emails have you received?' over and over and over again they try to force me to just go up to him and DEMAND that he answer these questions. and i hear a voice, repeating itself over and over again, 'ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!' and another says 'answer my questions, and i'll answer yours.'

they demand that i write blogs about sexual topics, but i found out from experience that when i blog about sexual topics, i go in to work the next day and people are giving me strange looks. i was molested when i was about 11 years old and i don't like talking about sexual topics with lots of unknown strangers and people who are going to look at me with a weird look the next day. they also keep urging me to become a prostitute, but i can't stand to be touched or violated by men who i find unattractive. 'advertise your services!' they keep saying, over and over again. this is one of the most frequent, pre-recorded phrases that they've been bombarding me with lately. telling me i should become a prostitute and 'advertise my services.'

i know this is all very negative, and as i said, i definitely did catch a little bit of a virus, because i haven't been feeling well.

they also keep telling me that he's going to commit suicide unless i 'help' him somehow. that's supposed to fool me into doing self-destructive things in my attempts to talk to him. i'm supposed to risk everything in order to talk to him, while he tries to avoid me, because i'm supposed to save him from committing suicide. so i'm supposed to go up and speak to him in an unnatural, demanding voice to force him to answer my questions... so that he can turn around and complain to a manager that i'm harassing him, and then i could get fired. and after i was fired, they would then try to force me to make more phone calls or send more emails, only to receive no answer at all, which is what has already been happening. and sooner or later it would result in a call to the police.

because these attacks go on for years and years. it's a 24-hour, 365 day attack. it goes on constantly until the ONE day when you're in just the right mood to do things that you always refused to do before. they have 364 failures, only to have one single success, and that's enough for them. they have enough stolen money to use for that. it costs very little to them. 364 days go by, and i refuse to speak the unnatural sentences they want me to speak. then finally, on the 365th day, i'm in a bad mood and angry enough to speak those unnatural sentences.

i am being set up to do something that will trigger him to panic or get upset somehow, which will result in my being fired from my job, and eventually, going to jail or having another court case for a false 'harassment' accusation. i know because i have already done all of this before.

i've seen him say strange, bizarre, out-of-context sentences that were definitely fake. i've seen him 'space out' so that he wasn't responding when someone spoke to him. i know he's a puppet. it's possible he doesn't even REMEMBER some of the things that he did or said. again, i'm sure that this whole thing is NOT HIS FAULT. but even so, i can't speak to him in a calm, quiet way, especially because they never stop filling my head with fake things that i would never say to him, in a fake tone of voice that i would never use.

i'm off tomorrow and tuesday and hopefully i will start feeling better on those days. i am going to try first of all to get a second job and change my schedule. if i have to, i will leave this job. that's not what i want to do, and i don't like instability, and i don't like this bad record of quitting jobs and never staying anyplace very long. i don't like having to explain to every new employer the reasons why i only stay at a job for a year or two before some unexpected disaster causes me to leave.

i am constantly vulnerable, every day, if they catch me in just the right mood, after a neverending constant attack going on for weeks or months, at NO EXPENSE TO THEM - if they happen to catch me in a bad mood, or on drugs, when i would agree to do what they're forcing me to do, or say what they're forcing me to say, and it scares him or seems weird and bizarre to him, and he complains to somebody - and that's it. that's all it would take to get me fired from my job or convicted of a 'crime.'

i don't feel well and i could talk about this much longer but i have to go to work now. i just have to get through today.