i have to read a large amount of material and i wasn't able to get through all of it right away. just reading a little bit of it was enough to get started. it breaks my heart. i remember back when i used to almost have a life. i remember i wanted to have guy friends because i had only one friend, and that was rachael, and she didn't do a lot of the things that i wanted to do. she had cerebral palsy and wasn't confident doing any kind of physical activities, anything outdoors, anything adventurous.
for years i really have had only one friend at a time; all of my life, i didn't 'fit in.' i didn't feel close to anybody.
maybe i do have something he doesn't have. he might not agree with me; maybe he never will; but i know that there really is a war going on, and i know some of what the war is about. i know there are important things that need to be done, and i know what they are.
it breaks my heart to see these people having fun and doing things i used to do a long time ago, but doing even more of it than i ever did. i see that, and i want to be 'part of that world,' and i want my children to have that; and i see the dark war behind it, i see all that i have learned in the past decade...........
i found enough to break my heart for a while. it will sink in and i'll understand it and i'll get used to it.
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