he's back

martin showed up a couple days earlier than i expected. i saw him when i walked up to the front for something. maybe it was when i was getting ready to go on my lunch break. i saw him and got an adrenaline rush for a couple minutes. i was excited, terrified, humiliated, and i wanted to cry. don't know how much of that was my own feeling, a projected feeling, or psychotronic. the adrenaline was real. i avoided looking at him. i saw enough to notice that it looked like his hair was wet. 'so much for my peace and quiet' was the reaction, because i had noticed that while he was gone, at least i wasn't tortured by voices telling me to go up and talk to him or command him to answer my questions and all the other things they said. when he was gone, i missed him and kept looking for him in the checkout lanes, even still recently, especially because i expected that he might be back on a day that wasn't written on the schedule. expecting the unexpected. but when i started getting the tortured emotions again, i had this feeling that i forgot what it was that i used to think about when he wasn't there. when he is there, there is a constant anxiety and awareness that he is somewhere nearby, which at the same time is also a feeling of being glad that he's there and i know where he is. the conflicting feelings. i forgot what i used to think about. when he's there, i can't forget that he's there and just calmly think about whatever i want to think about.