am i really doing this?

7:54 PM 11/16/10

So I actually got a little bit sick today, and it wasn't just because of overexcitement. I might have caught a little bit of a virus, but it wasn't enough to make me vomit for real. I just wasn't able to eat, and I felt nauseated for most of the day, even after my excitement died down. So everything felt like nausea and sickness all day long.

I was thinking about how it feels to start a new physical relationship in the real world. It's disgusting, and imperfect, and disappointing, and strange. You see someone's naked body for the first time, and you're thinking, oh my god, is that really how you look naked? You're with them doing the things you fantasized about doing, and when it's happening you think, I can't believe I'm really doing this.

That's one reason why I'm a nudist. There wouldn't be any adjustment. You'd be used to seeing people naked all the time. It wouldn't be shocking to see them naked, it would just be closer than usual.

I made it sound like everything is bad. What I mean is, I WANT the real world, even though it is imperfect, or disappointing, or incomplete, or whatever else. I am programmed to always be dissatisfied. I accept this real and imperfect relationship for whatever it is. I want my expectations to be realistic. I know from experience how it feels when a fantasy relationship becomes a real one. I haven't been with very many people, but it is always strange when you cross over into the real world for the first time. I want the real world - I wouldn't have it any other way. Loneliness is the other way. I could have my fantasies and always be lonely. Everything would be perfect in the fantasies. In the real world it's never perfect. I choose the real world anyway.

He's going to think that he's too skinny, but that's not what I mean. I like him BECAUSE he is too skinny. That is what I like. But it takes a while to get used to somebody's real body even though you like it a lot. I've only fantasized about touching him. In the real world it won't be perfect.

This is all about anxiety, and strangeness, and how weird it is to have the 'new relationship' feeling, that sick feeling. I know I was sick all day long, I was nauseated, I think I had a virus, but it also felt like oxytocin sickness from having a new relationship. It felt like the 'Oh my god, am I really doing this?' feeling. I learned how to tolerate oxytocin sickness. It feels sick, but it feels good. It took a long time for me to learn that.