Hatred: What the murderers do to me when I make progress or try to achieve goals

5:21 PM 11/25/10

I have been talking with the voices about why I can't schedule myself to do anything. What happened with me and scheduling? A long time ago, I used to read 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,' and other self-help books about how to achieve goals. Recently I put up a Craigslist ad asking someone to help me get my goals and projects done, and I said that what I needed most was someone to help enforce my schedule, rather than do the work for me. So the voices want to know why I'm doing that.

In the beginning, when the murderers first started attacking severely, when they first forced me to become aware that I was being attacked - I was being attacked and controlled for years but I didn't know it, and then they started extremely severe attacks in 2004, and I am lucky to be alive - for a few weeks they were constantly 'burning' me in my apartment, and it was so bad that I couldn't stay in there, and I had to actually go outside and sit in a park all day long.

Anyway, when the severe attacks began in 2004, it was right after I did telephone therapy with Judith Swack, who I read about on Nathaniel Branden's web page. As I was doing her therapy, she suggested that I should go to a psychiatrist and get drugs, because I was rebelling against her, and I felt that her therapy wasn't what I wanted and it wasn't doing me any good. I did go to a psychiatrist, and I took Prozac, and taking Prozac was the last straw - it was such a horrible, toxic, poisonous drug that I decided to quit therapy and quit the psychiatrist and everything. Right after that, the attacks began, and they were forcing me to write letters to a former co-worker who eventually had me arrested for harassment and thrown in a mental hospital.

During that time, they started controlling me, every detail, especially when I was on Prozac. I also had Prozac residue incidents for months afterwards. I didn't know that Prozac, like many drugs, can contaminate clothing and your house and everything you touch and every place where it's handled, and it can go through your skin. So after you've stopped using a drug, you can still have 'flashbacks' many months later, just like LSD flashbacks, because the drug residues are on your clothing (and it doesn't wash out in the laundry) and the drug goes through your skin. I believe this is what causes LSD flashbacks. So I had Prozac flashbacks for months, and I mistakenly thought that somebody was entering my apartment and putting the drug into my water bottles, when actually I was probably just touching the residues.

Every time I had a Prozac flashback, 'they' started trying to control my scheduling again. And they forced me to do trivial things at the same time each week, and they forced me to make a schedule and put it up on the refrigerator, telling me when to do chores like take out the garbage or do the laundry. I figured out that I was being controlled externally, and I got angry and rebelled against them, and refused to do any scheduling or any chores if I was forced to do it on a particular day or time. If I hadn't been forced to do it by mind control, it would have been okay. If I had voluntarily done this scheduling, with the help of an outside supporter, someone who checked to see that I was doing my work on schedule, that would be totally different. But instead, they were controlling my mind, and they did it every time I was on Prozac or having a Prozac residue flashback. So that was the time when I rebelled against ALL scheduling, and I began to *HATE* the slightest bit of scheduling of chores. When I say 'hate,' I mean that I wanted to *KILL* the people controlling my mind, but since I didn't know who they were, I couldn't do it.

Over the years, I have tried a few times to achieve goals, to improve my life, and sometimes, to schedule my activities. The murderers always get involved when I do this. (When I was lying in bed talking to the voices this morning, I was calling them 'the mentally ill murdering morons.' There is no word in any language strong enough to express the hate. When things get bad, I think about killing them, but again, I don't know who they are. I don't have a way to track down where the electronic attacks are coming from.)

Here is an example. I might try to make a schedule for myself to work for one hour on a project. If I do that, then at the end of one hour, the mentally ill murdering morons will start *BURNING* me to force me to stop what I'm doing, because EXACTLY ONE HOUR, AND ONLY ONE HOUR, has passed. If I get involved in it, if I get momentum, if I feel like working for longer than one hour, I can't, because the MIMMs will punish me for not following the schedule exactly. They don't understand that 'one hour' is supposed to be a flexible estimate, and the purpose is to get me started on it.

Or if I DON'T do what I was scheduled to do, they will burn me and punish me for not following the schedule and not doing what I said I would do. The other thing that happens is, if, for instance, I try to do self-esteem improvement, by working on Nathaniel Branden's self-esteem books, then then MIMMs will repeat the sentence stem phrases in my head, over and over, and they will 'fill out the answers' for me instead of letting me answer the sentence myself. They also used to do 'affirmations' in my head over and over, such as 'Every day in every way I am becoming a better and better person,' and they would play that phrase in my head hundreds of times each day. It wasn't that phrase exactly, but it was stuff like that. They would also bombard my head with meaningless nonsense words, but if I tried to read any self-improvement books or work on any projects or schedules or if I tried to achieve anything, the bombardments would have to do with whatever I was working on. If I wrote a song in my Propellerheads Reason software, they would play the song over and over in my head for hours, days, or weeks. Anytime I try to achieve anything, or schedule anything, or improve myself, or control myself, the MIMMs respond with extremely severe life-ruining attacks.

They also do a lot of disgusting and abusive nightmares whenever I am achieving things in my life. Achievement, success, and creativity always trigger the mentally ill murdering morons to be more abusive than usual. They are being nice to me lately, because all I have done is work at a boring, low-wage job for several years, and I haven't written any songs or created anything at all, and I have made no progress, and I am sleeping on the floor, and I have no money, and I have to live in extreme poverty because I throw all my clothing in the garbage instead of washing it, because all of my belongings and my floor are covered in herbal drug residues.

They succeeded in destroying my life whenever they forced me to try growing toxic herbs indoors, and ephedra was the last straw, so they have been much less abusive to me over the past few years, because I haven't been creative or successful or made any progress at all. 'Kill' is the only word strong enough to express the hate that I have towards them. But I don't know who to kill. If I could, I would put them in jail, but the police won't investigate electronic harassment claims, and it's taboo. If I could convince them to voluntarily stop attacking, then I would, but that doesn't seem likely. So the only thing left is to kidnap them myself and keep them locked up, or have my (nonexistent, imaginary) vigilante friends kidnap and imprison them for me, or have my (nonexistent, imaginary) vigilante assassin friends kill them for me.

'Stopping voluntarily' would have already happened by now, because I have complained and suffered and protested all this time, and they don't care about my complaints, or any of the other victims' complaints, and they will keep attacking people until they commit suicide - there is another victim online who attempted suicide because of the attacks, and THEY DON'T CARE, they just keep attacking. THEY WANT YOU TO DIE. But they tolerate me as long as nobody ever appreciates my intelligence and my talent. Whenever anybody sees my intelligence and my talent, if I create something, if I write a song or create a piece of art, if I get a better job and higher pay, if my mother and father send me an email and say 'Congratulations on getting a raise at your job,' then the mentally ill murdering morons respond by attacking with terrible severity.

Again, the only reason the attacks have been less severe is because I am living an unimaginably hard life as a result of drug residue contamination. I sleep on a thin cushion on the floor, covered with paper, because I have thrown away dozens of mattresses and pillows and other beds when they got re-contaminated. The murderers have caused multiple outbreaks of drug residues, and the drug residues will always be there as long as I have my belongings in storage, not yet sorted out and thrown away. It is on the floor of my car, and it gets onto my shoes, constantly. That is how it got to the apartment where I live now.

If you don't believe me, then go online to an herb seller, and buy the seeds of ephedra sinica. After you touch the envelope that the seeds are delivered in, you will have severe insomnia that NOTHING can touch. You will never sleep again, until the ephedra seed residue is washed off your hands. I mean, NEVER. You will be awake for months. Whatever it was that happened to Chuck Palahniuk, when he wrote 'Fight Club,' when he said that he REALLY WAS awake with extreme insomnia for months, it was probably a drug residue outbreak. His clothes and all of his belongings were covered with a drug that goes through your skin. I don't know what drug it was.

The electronic attackers usually don't cause you to have CONSTANT insomnia. They force you to fall asleep at specific times, usually at EXACTLY a specific hour on the clock - you will fall asleep at precisely 3:00 and wake up at precisely 5:00, after having a bunch of fake dreams and nightmares. That is how the murderers make you sleep. Whatever Chuck Palahniuk experienced, it was probably a drug residue. Anyway, if you don't believe me, then you can try it yourself. It's legal to buy ephedra sinica seeds over the internet. That is how I got them. I wanted to grow ephedra for my chronic fatigue. I thought it would be safe as long as I only took an extremely small dose. But you can't even take a small dose, because you can't even touch it, or be close to it. The plant is so toxic that merely by handling the seeds, you will poison the skin of your hands, and then a few molecules are wiped onto other objects and surfaces, where they linger FOREVER, because they NEVER DECAY. I repeat, they never decay. Ephedrine molecules are extremely stable, and they do not biodegrade. They just sit there, forever and ever and ever, for decades, forever.

So go ahead, try it yourself if you don't believe me. Just handling the seeds ruined my entire life and all of my belongings - although I also grew other herbs like tobacco, which did the same thing, and I now have a mixture of different herbs and poisons which got on the carpet and got spread around when I tried to shampoo the carpet. Almost all of my belongings were destroyed, and I have been in this situation since 2007. That is why my life has completely stopped, why I can make no progress, and why the mentally ill murdering morons are being nicer to me than they were in the past, because they LIKE it when I just go to a boring, low-wage job every day instead of making progress and improvement in my life. They LIKE it that I can't have any visitors over at my house because I don't want anyone to walk on my carpet and get the poisons on their shoes. It doesn't matter if someone believes me or not - I am responsible for them if they come over to my house and get an insomnia-causing drug residue on their shoes, which will then leave footprints all around their house, and it will ruin their life too.

Anyway, that is the main reason why I haven't tried to make my own schedule, and I wanted an outsider to help me enforce my schedule. If a real person voluntarily works with me, that's very different from being forced by a mentally ill murdering moron.

I myself don't have any 'fears' or 'anxieties' or 'inhibitions' about scheduling. I myself don't have any reason why I wouldn't do my own scheduling. It is only the mentally ill murdering morons who prevent me from scheduling or doing projects.

If I try to do something as simple as plan a shopping trip to Wal-Mart to buy a few items that I need to deal with my drug residues, for instance, if I need to go buy the brown paper that I use to cover my bed, and the lint-free towels that I use for showering, which I throw in the garbage if they become contaminated (they're lint-free because of my dreadlocks. I don't like wads of towel lint tangled in my hair.), if I do something so simple as try to go shopping for those things, then the mentally ill murdering morons will suddenly force me to get an irresistible urge to drive my car to Barnes & Noble bookstore instead, because it's right next to Wal-Mart, and I'll go there and fool around for hours and read books instead of shopping for things I need, and then I'll get exhausted and go home and sleep, and then it's time to get up and go to work the next day. That is my life. There is no word stronger than 'kill' to express the hate for these people. They're not people.

The hate comes out anytime I try to achieve anything or make changes or improvements in my life. That is why it is so bad right now. I already know everything that they are going to do to me as I try to make my own schedule and improve my life and accomplish goals again. I would kill them, but I don't know who they are.

(Don't worry, I long ago decided that it was impossible to 'guess' who the mentally ill murdering morons might be. So don't worry that I might go around thinking that I know who they are, that it's this or that particular person who's attacking me, and I might be mistaken, and go try to kill that person because I mistakenly believe they're the person who's attacking me. They already did that to me years ago, and I learned not to believe them when they tried to convince me that it was some particular person who was attacking me. It is impossible to guess who is attacking you. If you try to guess, then the murderers will trick you into attacking an innocent person. They like to see people killing each other, and they want you to go make a mistake and kill an innocent person. Even better, they want you to get on drugs, and go kill a bunch of random innocent people and then kill yourself. So I don't use drugs (except small amounts of St. John's Wort, and caffeine), and I don't believe anything that they say to me about who is responsible for the attacks. ALL OF IT is a lie.)

So as you can see, I get enraged merely by THINKING about the things I would like to do to improve my life and achieve my goals. I already know what 'they' are going to do, and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm going to just post this now. Don't worry about me, I'm not in immediate danger. I'm just THINKING about what might happen if I try to make any schedules or long-term goals. That is what's causing me to get enraged. I've really wanted to do that lately, and it's been a long time since I tried anything like that. I'm not looking forward to it.