the roller coaster ride

Oops, that last post was blank, gotta fix that later.

12:35 PM 11/19/10

I was going to post something last night, but I wasn't able to get online very well at McDonald's with my iPod, and I was using the Wordpress iPod app, and the blog post that I wrote is now stuck in an endless loop and won't open. I tried to 'publish' it, but it wasn't able to connect to the internet, and at some point, I turned my iPod off to restart it. When I turned it back on, I could no longer click on the post that I had written. It was in the list that said they were published (not a draft anymore), but it didn't appear on the web and I can't open it anymore. Fortunately, it wasn't a very long one.

In that failed post I was talking about how it feels to be interacting with the real Curtis in email and seeing his facebook page again. I'm able to look at all the photos again and I am being tortured, just as I was before. I get painfully jealous when I see other girls talking to him, and I get jealous when I think of him marrying Carrie, even though I know that my relationship with him isn't a 'monogamous marriage' type of relationship. We have something, and I don't know the word for it, but it's like being friends, with at least one of the friends being sexually attracted to the other friend, but not necessarily doing anything about it this instant. I'm sure there's a word for that somewhere. lol.

So I get jealous of any girls he talks to. And he knows this girl who is a model, as in, she gets her picture taken, and her facebook pictures are professional looking poses, and she is young, and petite, and very pretty. She said she was 5'1" or something, I forget, and so I see her as competition, because I am 5'2" and that's a good thing when you are trying to attract a short, small guy who probably enjoys being a couple inches taller than the girl. She is also intelligent and a good writer, and she always seems to be saying something interesting, and she really seems like a nice person, too. I can't help liking her. I *like* her. If she was mean and stupid, I wouldn't be jealous of her, but she's actually cool.

She tried to go to this modeling competition, and I can almost remember the name of it, but you had to be taller than 5'6" or something. I'm really trying to remember what it was called now. There was a website for it. I sort of found it. It was something by Tyra Banks. Anyway, I was on HER side - I got mad too whenever she said she wasn't allowed to get in because she was too short, but the website actually said that they wanted women who would redefine beauty, and they wanted to include 'plus size' women along with petite women and other women who aren't usually in modeling. They actually said the word 'petite' somewhere in there. So how come they weren't letting petite women in? I felt like the whole thing was a fraud after I read about that. That was when I went to look at her facebook page. So again, I'm jealous of this girl and yet I think she's cool and I can't help liking her. That's why it's so painful. That's just another part of the torture of seeing his facebook page again and reading all the people he talks to and seeing his photos.

The Tyra Banks website was kind of sad and pathetic in a way. There were comments on the web page from hundreds of people writing to her as though they expected Tyra Banks herself to answer them, like a personal friend. Or like they thought she would actually listen to their suggestions and requests, 'I wish you would do this, I wish you would do that, I wish you would do a contest that allowed X,' etc. Or 'Waaah! Tyra, my life sucks so bad, but you have given me new hope for a new definition of beauty! Thank you so much! Waah!' And I can't remember what the lady said, but she had a picture of herself, and she was one of the 'plus-sized' women. I know from experience that they never do models of 'plus-sized' women who look REALLY fat. They show the borderline normal plus sized women instead. The women who are so barely even pleasantly plump that you can hardly even say they're fat at all. They don't show the plus-sized women who weigh 200 pounds. They show the woman who weighs, maybe, 140 pounds instead of 100. Okay, maybe that's not quite enough. 150? You get the idea.

Anyway the other part of the torture is not just about being jealous of the girls who talk to him, and jealous of Carrie, but also, the feeling that I can't control what he chooses to do, and he got caught driving his car without a license (because he lost his license in a drunk driving arrest a few months ago), and so he's lost his license again for a year. In the failed-post blog I was saying that I know how a parent might feel. You love your child but you can't control what they do, and you wish they wouldn't do something, but you can't stop them. That's how I feel. I wish he wouldn't take that risk of getting caught driving again. I have a protective feeling and a helpless feeling. I'm scared that something really bad will happen - he said he almost went to jail. I don't want him to go to jail. I also don't want him to have to keep paying fines and losing his money on that.

I'm slightly getting used to talking to him in email for real. It was hard for me the past couple days because I had a stomach virus a couple times, and when I'm sick, my emotions are distorted, and everything feels like sickness, so I don't know how I would really feel on a normal day.

Oddly enough, I think the reason I didn't cry last time I saw him was because I wasn't drinking the Amish milk for the past couple days. When I drink the raw milk, I really do cry very easily and frequently and spontaneously. I don't know what it is about the milk that does that to me. (Not all Amish milk is raw. I just happen to know of an Amish house on a road near here where they happen to sell raw milk.)

I was saying that my feelings are back on the roller coaster ride. And I'm still scared that I will freak out or do something stupid, and I can't be trusted. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing to the wrong person, online. It's so easy to do something spontaneous and impulsive, or to be a puppet and be forced to say something. I don't have control over that, especially if I'm extremely upset and helpless and panicking, like I was when I was trying to tell him not to join the army.

He told me he hardly EVER looks at his old yahoo email. That explained why he wasn't getting my letters there. And I did send a bunch of things to his yahoo, but I also sent a few to facebook, so he at least got some of them. I can't remember whether my 'don't join the army' letters were sent to yahoo or facebook, that's what I was trying to remember, and because of my browser problem, I can't view my 'sent mail' folder on facebook. I'd have to dig around my other email and see if it's in there.

I guess I should finish this up and get ready to work.

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After watching 'The Chumscrubber' and watching it again with the director's commentary, I'm interested in camera angles. When I took the nude video of myself, I did it quickly without thinking about the camera angles, and as a result, there are upside-down shots, and things like that. Then I tried to 'fix' that 'problem' in the next video, only to find that it took a lot of life out of the video and it was less interesting. The upside-down shots are the view you would have during sex, for instance, in the 69 position when you are crouched over someone. So the upside-down camera angles aren't bad, they're good, and you can use them on purpose. Now I'm reading more about camera angles. There are so many ways you can do it.