Dreadlocks braided; envy

I'm still struggling to find a way to keep my hair pulled back in a hat comfortably for eight hours. Usually after being at work a while, I have pulled and yanked and adjusted my hair so many times it's hanging halfway out of the bun in big stringy loops. Today I'm braiding it in two pigtails on the sides, and then tying the two pigtails together into one bun on the back. I'm trying to stop pulling on the hair located at the temples of my head. I already have a sort of mild receding hairline and something that looks like mild traction alopecia. I first noticed it when I was in my mid-twenties. It got worse at age 30.

I'm thinking about what I'm going to do when I move out. I'd like to actually have a tiny little squatter shack made out of bales of straw. I'd ride my bike to it so it could be hidden someplace where people wouldn't disturb it.

I've been envying Rick - he's traveling right now. My life has gone so badly wrong for such a long time, and I have lost so much money and so many opportunities. I wish I'd had better schooling when I was young. I wish someone had known what was wrong with me when I started having problems in 6th grade or so. I wish I had been able to take classes that were challenging and useful. I wish I had been taught skills that I could have used in a job, and I wish I had been taught about business and money at a much earlier age instead of having to yeah it to myself as an adult while working at minimum wage jobs.

I've been looking at Rick's life and thinking that he had better schooling and better opportunities, and he didn't get sick with chronic fatigue, or become the victim of sleep deprivation attacks, so he's been able to keep learning more, and making more money, and saving enough to be able to leave his home for months at a time and go hiking in the mountains, where, most likely, it's possible to sleep without being zapped awake, and to think a thought without being forced to hear voices or see images or hear snapping and clicking sounds in the room. I would love to hike in the mountains just to find out if I could sleep.