Oops.

Copy paste error. Don't know if that one posted.

Keeping the hat very loose is the key. It has to be so loose it's almost falling off my head. The only problem is I can't hear when the band goes over my ears. It only goes down over the upper earlobes though.

I'm thinking excitedly of living in my car, and then, living without a car. I want to go farther and farther, deeper into this world of extremes.

•Is this a bullet point? I love bullet points. I didn't know my iPod could do that.
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Today: I smelled fear when he said hello to me: it took courage. He had an adrenaline rush. This is because everyone is talking happily to the other girl, who has much better memory recall than I do, and as such, can make conversation easily by remembering every detail of every thing she has ever done, every place she has ever been, and every thing that has ever happened to her. I have horrible memory recall for some reason, although, perversely, I was the only student in my fourth grade class who successfully remembered, and flawlessly recited, the entire "The Wreck of the Hesperus" from memory. Even so, i cannot remember people's names or what I ate for breakfast yesterday (unless it was something horribly toxic that I never will eat again).

Now that my position is lost, I cannot talk to him in an intimate or possessive or assuming way, when she is near and when he has been talking with her. And I like her very much. Every time I hear her or talk to her I'm aware that I like her. But she lowers my status greatly.

So, not by choice, but because of strong feelings, I could not speak much to him. In fact I felt the urge to cry again. I was silent and numb like a robot as I did my work without looking at him. It was hard not to cry. I think this is, once again, a shared feeling or secondhand feeling. I am partly receiving this feeling from him. I can smell his fear so I can probably smell the urge to cry also. I am not avoiding him intentionally. I just don't have the power to assertively claim some kind of rights to him, to demand that he must look at me or talk to me. She is much easier to talk to. I know that he feels badly about my being of lower status and he doesn't want it to be that way. If I had any relationship with him it would be private, not in a social context, and it wouldn't matter how we acted in public. We would be of value to each other and not threatened by other people who talk to us socially.

"Obsessing over the nearest random person" is what I have to do for the time being. When I don't have a crush on anyone at all it's like starving to death, and I have to eat something even though it is not a complete relationship.

Today a little boy came up to the counter and asked me why we had videocameras. I like the word "why." So I started answering him. I explained the answer, and he asked if someone can see it back in the office if someone robbed the cashiers, and I said yes. "But why don't they just make a... (looking around) coffee squirter?" and he mimed squirting hot coffee at the bad guys. I laughed. His dad came along and told him to stop. He said "Or an ice cream squirter." I laughed and giggled again. His dad told him once again to stop because they were getting ready to order. But I was enjoying the conversation. It was the best conversation I had all day. I recognize an intuitive when I see one. Or I assume that's what he was. Why, why, why.