Ephedra residues; Curtis moves into gf's house

10:20 PM 7/19/10

I've had recurring problems over the past few weeks with ephedra drug residues, even though I got new 'fake' work uniforms that ought to be clean. I think now it's on the vinyl car seat cover, so I am going to replace that or cover it with something. Hopefully that will help. It's making me unable to sleep, and I've had the pounding heart too.

I wore shorts while driving my car, and after that, I tried to lie down and sleep, but I felt the ephedra sensation of being totally awake and unable to relax while my heart was pounding. So I took a shower, and it still was there, and I took another shower. I think it's on my 'bed' too (the little styrofoam cushion I sleep on), so I'm going to cover that up. It's horrible being unable to relax or sleep at all.

****

I got another real phone call with Curtis. I called him because he told me that he either got thrown out, or chose to leave - I'm not sure which it is - because he and his stepfather had a fight, and his stepfather told him he had to start paying rent. I didn't get to talk with him about 'our relationship' during that call - I only asked him some questions about what he's doing now. He's moving in with his girlfriend Carrie, who is not charging him rent - her grandmother is allowing him to stay there.

I also had a long text message conversation with somebody on Saturday night. I say 'somebody' because it might not have even been Curtis I was talking to. I don't want to rely on text messages because I get very paranoid about 1. hackers, or 2. somebody else picking up his phone and talking to me while pretending to be him. He told me once that somebody else had borrowed his phone, and this happened during a time when 'they' forced me to start trying to text message him, so I was sending him messages while somebody else had his phone.

A few things made me believe it wasn't him.

1. The texter 'forgot' that I hear voices. I mentioned it, and the person was like, 'what, you hear voices?' And the real-world conversation with Curtis, where I told him that I hear voices, was a very important and memorable conversation, and I've mentioned it to him several times since then, in person and in handwritten notes I've given to him.

2. Near the end of the conversation they casually said, 'Well, there are like 6 other girls who want to be with me, so, no,' ('no,' as in, I'm not desperate enough to go out with you. I had said 'the voices were saying things like, 'I'm not that desperate,' which I interpreted as, Curtis isn't desperate enough to go out with me.) In the real world, Curtis sometimes acts like he is excited by me or attracted to me. He wouldn't see it as 'desperate,' and he wouldn't brush me off so easily and casually, with so little kindness or tactfulness.

3. I started the text messaging by describing things Curtis had physically done with me in the real world over the past few days. He had gently stroked my fingers under a paper plate that I was handing him with a piece of pizza on it, and it felt... sooo... good. You could not even imagine how wonderful it feels to have someone stroke your fingers that way. I was reliving it for several minutes afterwards. That happened after a conversation in which I had offered to 'help him with money,' and he had said, 'I can't take your money, that's YOUR money,' and I threw my head back and laughed loudly. (Rule of thumb: The louder they laugh, the more it must have hurt. In certain situations, I laugh when I'm emotionally hurt or when I want to cry. He had rejected my 'last resort,' offering money.) A couple days later he stood very, very close behind me and another lady who I was with, and he was so close I could feel his electric field, that tickly feeling on my skin, like every hair was standing up with the static electricity. I described these incidents (briefly, with little detail) and the texter responded with 'OIC,' and that was all. So I asked, 'what do you see?' and that was how we started. It got a response from SOMEONE, that was all I knew. Nothing like 'I remember that,' or anything.

4. When I asked 'what do you see?' they wouldn't answer the question at first. I was checking to see if I was talking to a robot, an artificial intelligence, some program giving me random answers. So I demonstrated what I meant. I said, 'I see a brightly lit cell phone surrounded by darkness.' To this, they responded, 'I see Carrie making out with her friend Jayme.' I said, 'Hi Carrie, am I talking to you?' Carrie described herself on Facebook as 'most likely to get kinky' in one of those little 'tag your friends' images going around a few weeks ago. It didn't feel like something Curtis would say. It seemed insincere. But I continued assuming I was talking to Curtis himself, without knowing for sure.

I think there were a few other things that seemed strange and not like him - things he 'forgot' about me, which he knew in the real world, that kind of thing. I had another incident where he and I were texting, and something went wrong, and we got cut off, and he approached me in the real world afterwards, seeming anxious and worried, asking me if I had a letter to give him like I had said in the text - even though 'he' said in the text messages that I should stop giving him letters. We had a technical glitch: a text message from him got sent to me three times in a row, and I heard voices later on quoting from The Matrix: 'Deja vu - it happens when they change something.' (Scene where the black cat walks past Neo twice in a row.) Then after that I got the 'stop doing it' message, and then, no more replies. So, we've had weird problems with text messaging before.

He says 'no' online, and 'yes' in the real world. He says yes by calling me sweet, loving, and sometimes sexual pet names, very often. Not just once in a while, but all the time. Sometimes I laugh when he says these things, I can't help it - it seems too good to be true. 'Oh, you say that to ALL the girls' would be the response that I feel. He says yes in his body language and in all his behavior and his expressions of feeling in the real world. But I have trouble reaching him on the phone, in text, on facebook and myspace, and in email.

So, I haven't yet spoken with him to find out if he even remembers having this long text message conversation on Saturday night. I'm feeling paranoid about it and I will have my theories about who I was really talking to, until he talks to me in person about it.

The texter also said, 'can I ask you a question?' and then asked, 'are you a virgin?' I said, 'you don't read my blog,' and they said, 'I don't go on the internet very much.' I told them no, I'm not a virgin, and I explained my boyfriend situation (Peter, health problems, we're not having sex, he's married, etc). The texter said, 'so he's like a boyfriend?' This was another thing that 'Curtis' 'forgot,' because I have already given him a handwritten note explaining my boyfriend situation with Peter. He knows I have a boyfriend. I think we've talked about it out loud too, but I can't remember for sure.

They might have gotten the 'I'm a virgin' idea because I recently wrote a facebook status that said, 'my trusting, innocent eyes can't see the racist hidden message in the world cup logo.' That's one theory as to where this idea came from. I'm trusting and innocent, but not THAT innocent, not 35 years of virginity innocent. The voices were FURIOUS later on at this insult. They took it to mean that the person was saying, I'm so ugly and unnatractive, so rejected, so pathetic, that in 35 years, I've NEVER had a boyfriend, and NOBODY has ever been attracted to me. They took it as a huge, unthinkable, unimaginable insult. They took it to mean that, because I have a mustache and I don't shave it, no man has ever wanted me in my entire life. I was grateful for this particular voice talking to me, because it was defending me and defending my dignity. It said that the female mustache is a respected part of my religious tradition, even though this religion is unknown to the mainstream world, and that we see it as reviving a long-lost culture that disappeared a long time ago, a respected culture, not something to make fun of the way the mainstream world makes fun of it. For whatever reason, the world decided that female mustaches are something funny and ridiculous and ugly, instead of something respected and beautiful and sexually attractive, and I don't know the reasons why they decided that. So this voice was defending me against the clueless person and their deadly insult.

Curtis is losing his driver's license very soon, in the next couple days. He will be stuck out in Carrie's world, and Carrie is driving him to work. He will be depending totally on her. If I can't reach him by phone, and if he loses his job, I won't be able to reach him at all unless I do something inappropriate, some kind of stalking activity that goes beyond what Curtis has given me permission to do. He's never given me permission to find Carrie's address and go out there for a visit, and that's what I'd have to do to reach him. So I am very afraid of what is going to happen. I don't want to lose him, and work is the only place where I can see him. And I love looking at him. He makes me so much happier during my work hours, just looking across the room and seeing him standing there, or looking into his eyes when he walks by, even if we don't get to talk.

'They,' the voices, and I agree on something: I might be officially calling myself a hebephile. Curtis has fetal alcohol syndrome, and because of that, he is very, very, very small for his age. He is so skinny that I can see the fabric of his shirt draped over the bones of his shoulder blades. And my attraction to him is very intense, much more intense than my attraction to any fully grown man. He is also short in height, only a few inches taller than I am. He is also totally flat-chested, with no developed muscles and no breast tissue. (Yes, I sometimes like 'moobs,' man-boobs, depending on the guy - they can be very sexy. But I also like flat-chested guys. And oddly enough, a muscular chest is what I like LEAST. 'Moobs' are more desirable to me, sometimes, than a muscular chest.) Those things make him seem like an early teenager, not someone in his late teens.

I compared him to another guy who just recently started working there. There is a guy who is similar height, and he's young too, and he seems to weigh only just a little bit more. But he is a tiny bit stockier, a tiny bit more muscular, with a 'meaty' look to his shoulders, a thickness in his back, instead of the bony shoulder blades sticking out. And that 'meaty' look gives me a slightly repulsed feeling - I find this guy less attractive because he is slightly more muscular and meaty, even though he is still short and small. Again, more evidence for going all the way down to the 'hebephile' age group of 11-14 years old, instead of the 'ephebophile' age group of 15-19. I'm attracted to the group of boys who are so young that they haven't even developed big muscles yet.

But Curtis's face has matured somewhat and he doesn't have the same type of little kid 'cuteness' that a 12 year old has, and I don't mind - I love his face. He has a little bit of the 'chubby cheeks' look that all teenagers still have, since their faces and skulls are still not fully adult, not yet fully grown, but it isn't as 'chubby cheeks' as, for instance, Justin Bieber (who I commented about a few blogs ago), and I actually don't feel sexually attracted to Justin Bieber. C's face is beautiful and cute and sexually attractive to me, and it looks like an older teen's face, not a little kid's face. It's hard to explain what I mean by 'chubby cheeks' and how that would describe Curtis, because if you look at him, he is mostly adult and has kind of narrow cheeks, depending on which angle you look at. It's a subtle, in-between stage, something temporary, something hard to describe. Whatever cuteness is, it's something about their cheeks, that's all I can explain. I like reading about 'cuteness' in Wikipedia, and I like the idea that scientists have tried to define what makes someone cute.

Not only that, but also, I am strongly attracted to armpit hair and facial hair.  When Curtis doesn't shave for a day or two, I am fascinated with the hair on his face.  (And he skipped shaving recently because of moving out of his house and the daily grooming routine being upset, so I got to see this again.)  I love to look at the little millimeters of stubble on his chin and his cheeks and mouth.  So that argues for me liking an older age group instead of the 11-14 age group.  It's only the older teens who have started to grow facial hair.

Have I obsessed long enough about this topic??? It's time to post this. This is long because I've had lots of coffee to make me feel better after the ephedra problem I had earlier today. Coffee makes it easier to tolerate that exhausted feeling I get from the transdermal drug residue poisoning. I should go eat instead of blogging.

The main theme of the past few days: Being terrified that I will lose Curtis because he got thrown out of his parents' house and is now living with Carrie, and he's losing his driver's license and she will be driving him to work. If I don't see him at work, and if our telephone and text messages are getting hacked and intercepted or just picked up by Carrie in a mundane, non-hacking way (just by picking up the phone and answering my messages, or deleting my voice mails), then I won't be able to reach him at all. This is what I've been afraid of all this time.