grrr

11:10 AM 7/28/10

Grrr. I went to POF and got rid of the 'bi-curious' description. That DEFINITELY was something that the voices made me decide to put there. The more I thought about it, the more sure I was that I could not sustain a long-term sexual relationship with a female, and in reality, I'm not even all that interested in a plain old FRIENDSHIP with females, although it could be possible. I wondered why I had friendships with females when I was younger. The main reason is probably because, when I was young, I didn't have boyfriends! I might possibly get a female friend, but there won't be very many of them, and like I said, she would have to be somebody special, and she'd have to be able to 'take care of herself,' as in, not need me all the time.

'Bi-curious' would describe me if I was seriously in the mood at this time in my life to try having sex with females. If I were, I would demonstrate that through my ACTIONS. I would be ACTIVELY SEARCHING for females and meeting them. It doesn't mean that I scroll through some pictures of lesbian/bi plentyoffish users and look at their profiles and get a reaction to them, which is what I did. That seems to be the limit of my bi-curiosity for now. I'm annoyed that 'they' made me do something which seems dishonest to me, in an attempt to be 'honest' and 'out' about who I am. I don't claim to do, and be, EVERYTHING to EVERYBODY. I break some of the mainstream rules, but I follow some of the mainstream rules as well, and I'm not bothering to go out and break all the rules for the sheer sake of breaking the rules when it doesn't reflect who I really am.

My actions in reality are 'ephebo-curious.' I've never had sex with a teenage guy before, except for a couple of unfinished attempts between me and Terry, like maybe twice or three times, and we never really succeeded because it was too difficult and I didn't know how to make it easier. (We should have had some kind of lubricant or something, probably.) All of my behavior nowadays is: this obsession towards a teenage guy. That's not what I call 'bi-curious.'

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'They' woke me up with another idea this morning. It was the idea that Carrie is being disrespectful to Curtis and she also isn't having sex with him often enough. I already know that she is disrespectful to him in some ways - I've seen them together and she talks down to him. But I don't know anything at all about their sex life. It could be true or false. OF COURSE they would want me to believe that he isn't getting enough sex from her.

They portrayed her as the bisexual girl who isn't really interested in guys enough to have sex with them as often as she ought to, if he is going to be her husband. Not only that, but she might not even be bisexual, and she and Jayme might not really be 'making out.' That could still have been a joke or sarcasm to say 'They spend WAYY too much time together,' or something like that. That was true about me and Rachael - we spent wayyy too much time together - and lots of people thought that we were lesbians in a sexual relationship, but we weren't. So for all I know, he could have been being sarcastic. Or serious - I have no way of knowing unless I ask him, and I ... am scared to try starting up another text conversation or phone call right now. Carrie is saying on facebook that she doesn't care what anybody thinks of her and Jayme. Again, that statement could mean 'I don't care if they think we're lesbians/bi - we're not.' Or it could mean, 'We ARE having a sexual relationship, but I don't care how they judge us.' It isn't specific enough to know.

All of this could be, again, my wishful thinking. Wouldn't it be nice if he wasn't getting enough sex at home. That would mean he needed extra attention from me. As always, the voices encourage my wishful thinking.

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The torture of trying to force myself to use the dating website... My anger is from feeling that all I want is to be believed. I would want to explain it, and show it, to someone, and have that person believe me, as though I'm a man, or as though I'm an Officially Recognized Expert on that subject. I'm tired of people only believing what the government tells them is true. I'm tired of people only believing what their elementary school education, and the television, and their neighbors, told them is true.

I haven't even been able to call these people back yet. I told them I was going to try to call. But I'm waking up really late because of some unknown problem causing severe fatigue - it's one of the drug residues or something, who knows which problem it is. Then, yesterday, I went out to go investigate a place where you can buy raw cow's milk - I saw it a week or two ago while I was out driving - and I was going to ask them to let me try a tiny bit of it (Note, I've already had raw goat's milk before, but it came frozen. I got it from Stone Soup. I survived drinking the raw goat's milk.). I would want to ask them how it was handled - did it go through an automatic milking machine? If so, could I buy some that I just milked by myself into a pail, so it wouldn't get bacterial/fungal slime from the walls of the pipes and tubes of the automatic milker and the containers it goes into? But instead of stopping there, I drove right by. I had just eaten something and my stomach was sick. I didn't want to do anything or talk to anybody. So I went on a long drive and got away from all of the emails that I was supposed to be sending, or phone calls I was supposed to be making. 'They' were telling me yesterday that I was acting more like a Sx/Sp, at least temporarily. The instinctual emphasis probably changes with your moods and hormones, I imagine.

Clarifying what I want on the dating website, and then, I think it's most important for me to GO OUT LOOKING instead of just passively answering the people who write to me. That's risky, but it's the same thing men have to do. I should make it hard for people to contact me, or something. Clarifying what I want, so that I can communicate it, seems to be most important, because I've discovered I don't just want guys who are willing to do my housework in exchange for sex, without even believing that drug residues and bone marrow vapors exist. In fact I can hardly bear the thought of it.