reality

6:03 AM 7/13/10

I've had a few moments with Curtis this past week. We worked together a couple of times; I touched him a few times; we had a few conversations; and I called him on the phone and he answered, and we talked for a couple of minutes, but I said I wasn't ready to talk with him yet, so I got off the phone. I said I'd call him back in a bit. After I hung up, I cried and cried for a few minutes. I was having a 'mood swing' from drug residues, but also, it is all of the feelings that have been built up over all this time, grief and pain. I decided I should go get something to eat because that would help the mood swing, so I texted him and told him I'd call him back after I ate. Then I went around for a couple of hours, out to Burger King so I could just have something in my stomach instead of trying to talk to him while I was starving. I didn't really do much of anything, just wandered around for a while, and then got up the courage to call him back. He didn't answer that time, and so I left a message.

When we did talk on the phone, it felt like some other people I've talked to. Sometimes, a person you're talking to has this barrier of dignity that you can't cross. I felt like we had to be formal with each other and I could not be vulnerable or tell the truth. I DID tell the truth, but I could not relax and tell ALL of the truth in a comfortable way. I could only tell one tiny tip of the iceberg of truth.

I don't like talking on the phone just for the sake of talking on the phone, usually, unless we have something to talk about. But he and I need to 'get used to each other' as I always say, so that means we have to talk about nothing at all, a few times.

He was anxious, and I couldn't ask him why, so I had to think of my own theories of why he would feel anxious. He knows I have mood swings and he knows that I am sensitive to getting hurt, so he probably felt like I was going to get upset no matter what he said or did. Then he would get blamed for it and it would be like he did something wrong when he didn't actually do anything wrong. Every time that he has hurt me, he acts like he regrets it very badly and he does a lot of things to be nice to me afterwards.

I woke up this morning fighting with the voices, or rather, hearing an angry voice speaking through me, telling Curtis to stop leading me on and making me believe that he's attracted to me when he really isn't. I would have to tell him to stop calling me pet names, because he has no reason to do that, and because I actually BELIEVE him when he calls me those names and acts like he likes me.

Somehow, the voice argument figured out whatever it wanted to know. They usually go on something like that for a while and then change to the opposite. They role-played a crying, upset voice that insisted that he actually IS attracted to me. And they also role-played someone saying he ISN'T. They seemed to be trying out various scenarios. Sometimes they pretended he just didn't want to hurt me, but he was encouraging me and leading me on because he thought that was the nice thing to do.

I remember something about when I was younger: I didn't know how to stop leading someone on if that person had a crush on me. There weren't huge numbers of people with crushes on me, but every once in a while I sensed that someone was attracted to me, and I would be friendly to that person and I felt like I was somebody special and important, and I felt comfortable with that person because I could do no wrong. I knew they wouldn't judge me. Now, I'm in the reverse position: I'm the one with a crush on Curtis, and he's the one who can 'do no wrong' and he won't be judged. That is how I see it. I'm referring to the times when a guy liked me, but I didn't feel attracted to HIM, but I would still be friendly to that guy and I felt safe. There's a possibility that Curtis is doing that exact thing to me: encouraging me, over and over, every day, feeling safe because he knows how I feel about him and he knows that I'm not going to judge him or be superior to him. That's only one of the theories, the scenarios, that the voices were role-playing this morning to find out what I believe.

He didn't call me back after the message I left, but at least he picked up the phone and talked for a couple of minutes, very briefly, when I first called. I had texted him first, gotten a reply, and then he stopped answering, so I said, 'I'm going to call you and leave a message, because I don't know if this is a good time for you to talk,' so I called, expecting the voice mail, but he picked up.

This is like clockwork. *EVERY TIME* that I start trying to contact him, he and Carrie get together and make it an official declaration on their facebook pages. This is very annoying. I am either 1. being forced by the murderers to start chasing after him as soon as he's with Carrie, or 2. they are doing something for a show, because of me, perhaps to chase me away, or 'test' me, or some other bullshit, instead of communicating honestly and directly with me. It is like clockwork. Right at the exact same moment that he and Carrie start getting together, I start trying to contact him by text messages and by phone. And I am not doing this on purpose, and I am not doing it BECAUSE of them. I am doing it because the murderers are forcing me to choose that very moment to do it. Not only that, but the very moment that I started giving up on him and trying to go back to the dating website and use that so I could meet *REAL* people who actually *WOULD* communicate with me, guess what, all of a sudden they had this big breakup and it was a big deal and everything was terrible, so supposedly, I 'have a chance' with him again because he's broken up with his girlfriend. Again, obviously somebody is being forced to do something at the exact moment, or else some of this is just a show and a lie, or both. This 'doing stuff at the exact same moment' phenomenon is bullshit.

However, I thanked him several times yesterday, once in text, and once out loud on the phone, for talking to me. I am grateful if he communicates in reality, even if I can't understand what he's doing or why he's doing it or why he feels anxious. He clearly was anxious on the phone, but that was all that I could understand. He was also reflecting my anxiety, because I was anxious.

What did we SAY on the phone? I told him that I wanted to talk to him some more, but I wasn't ready to talk right now. I also said, 'I know you're with CARRIE,' and I didn't mean he was with her at that moment, I just meant in general, they're together. I said that, because last time I tried to call him on the phone, he used Carrie as an excuse to not even be able to have a five minute phone conversation with me. He made it sound like he spent every waking second of every day with her and therefore could not even spend five minutes to tell me truthfully and directly that he wasn't attracted to me and wanted me to leave him alone; instead he did the avoidance thing.

I want schools to teach kids communication skills. It makes me angry that so many people use lies and avoidance as a way to deal with people. I saw it happening once at McD a few weeks ago too. There was a girl getting a text message from a 'band geek' who was just a friend; she wasn't sexually attracted to him, but he was attracted to her. So she invented an imaginary boyfriend, and she felt guilty about it, but another girl helped her and encouraged her to do this, and played along with it, and she kept saying she felt guilty and she wanted to tell the truth but she didn't want to hurt him. But she did finally send him the text message saying she had this imaginary boyfriend. And I don't know how it all turned out, but she said he was still trying to contact her a few weeks later. My response to that is, of course. You have to tell someone the truth in a strong, direct, assertive way, and tell them the limits of what you will and won't do with them, and be clear and specific, and ALWAYS be honest about it. You have to know what you want, you have to know how you feel, and schools and parents don't teach anyone how to do those things. And TV certainly doesn't teach it to them.

For whatever reason, the murderers have been forcing me to be in that vulnerable position of someone stalking a reluctant person who avoids me and tells lies instead of being direct and telling the truth. For whatever reason they insist that I have to keep chasing after him while being avoided. This angers me and it scares me. Sooner or later I am going to do something that upsets him or scares him or 'creeps him out' too much, and he's going to go tell the police to make me leave him alone, or something like that. And I'm going to have another stalking and harassment conviction, lose my job, or whatever else would happen.

And I keep saying that, in person, in the real world, when we are together, he is friendly and sometimes acts like he is attracted to me, and he keeps calling me these pet names and there's no reason at all for him to do that. I would have to tell him to stop calling me any names other than Nicole, because I am stupid enough to believe that he actually MEANS it, and that's why I start laughing and crying and having this overreaction every time he says these things to me.

'Stupid enough to believe he/she actually means it' is their phrase, not mine. Probably or possibly Curtis himself is saying the same thing. That's one of the scenarios they keep role-playing in my head.

If I were able to think without being murdered, I could see and understand everything by myself, and I could do whatever needed to be done, but instead I am a mind-controlled zombie being zapped and burned and forced to hear voices and see images anytime I try to think for myself. So I can't get a real perspective on this situation, and I have to passively watch while the murdering morons play out their little puppet fantasies inside my brain instead of letting me do something that actually brings understanding, truth, and clarity to the situation. Letting me use my own brain to see things my own way: that would cut directly to the truth quickly and efficiently. I would understand everything, from both points of view, his viewpoint and my viewpoint. I would understand all of his feelings and emotions and desires and fears and motives. I would understand what he is trying to do, and what he is trying to avoid. I would know the exact words to say to him to get the exact response that I wanted to get. And if that didn't work, I would know exactly what to do to get some different response instead, and all the time, I would be telling the truth without lying and manipulating and 'testing' and playing little games. I am telling you: I can do these things, WITHOUT LYING. I can do these things, WHILE STILL BEING HONEST. But the murdering morons apparently don't appreciate or understand the way my brain works, and they insist that they have to override MY way of doing things and play out their pathetic little bullshit inside my head for their own pathetic little reasons, instead of just letting me think and act for myself.