I want to be believed, more than anything else.

10:07 PM 7/27/10

It's hard to articulate what I want and why I feel so uncomfortable with the couple of results that I've gotten so far. I have to re-word the advertisement, and I have to know exactly what I am looking for, and that is not easy to do. All I can say is that I don't like any of it.

I don't want a guy who offers to clean my house just to get sex. He will just pretend and go along with me to humor me, but in reality, he won't believe a word about the invisible drug residues.

I want a man who can tolerate believing something that a WOMAN says. Could a woman tell a man something he didn't know? Could a woman know something that the rest of SOCIETY doesn't know? Could a woman know something that thousands of MEN don't know, scientists, public figures, government employees - that they ALL don't know? Because that is what I claim. I claim that I know something that they are all ignorant of. You have to be able to tolerate the idea that a woman, an inferior, and a small, five-foot-two, un-intimidating woman too, that this INFERIOR person knows something you don't know, and you don't know anybody else who knows it either.

I'm really not INTERESTED in drug residues for their own sake. I'm only interested in them because they are there, whether I like it or not, and I have to deal with them. I am the unwilling expert on drug residues, but I'd much rather be learning about other things that I'm really interested in. So I won't continue on to become the world's leading specialist in drug residues, because once I'm rid of them, I don't want to ever bother thinking about them again, until and unless they become a problem. However, I am interested in them in that they have an effect on moods, health, and personality. I'd use that information to troubleshoot somebody with a behavior problem, and they will be part of any troubleshooting procedures that I have for health and behavior. That is why they are included in the religion as part of a cleansing and purification process. You don't need to be clean just for the sake of being clean. You need to be clean (of drug residues) because they affect your health and your relationships.

But right now, I am 'the expert' on drug residues whether I want to be or not. And they are what has to be cleaned. Before anything else, I want someone to BELIEVE ME. Imagine that a WOMAN knows what she's talking about.

Some of the men who responded were talking to me as though housecleaning was done to 'please' me. I'm not a dominatrix and I'm not going to whip them for doing a bad job. I only care about reality. Are the drug residues still there? Is the guy going to lose patience with me because I insist they're still there even though we've shampooed the floor a dozen times?

I'd like to do a simple demonstration. I've never tried this before, so I don't know how it would go. This would be an experiment. Somebody would get a bunch of handkerchiefs and draw a number on each one with magic marker. Then they would randomly pick one of the handkerchiefs. There would have to be a bunch of handkerchiefs, not just two - it would be more like a dozen to choose from. Then, after numbering them, they would pick ONE handkerchief at random, and roll it with some tobacco, like a crushed cigarette. They would have to make sure that it doesn't leave any visible stains, so maybe we would have multicolored, patterned handkerchiefs where you couldn't see any small marks that might be left from the crushed tobacco leaves. They would write down on a piece of paper which handkerchief, by number, had been rolled with the tobacco. Then, I would touch all of the handkerchiefs, and tell them which one was contaminated with tobacco residues, by feeling it and touching it. We would have to make sure I couldn't SMELL it, because it's possible I could cheat by smelling the tobacco, so maybe I could do this with my nose plugged shut or something, or the handkerchief could be inside of a box and I'd have to reach my hands inside, or something where I couldn't smell it. I would have to observe the tickly sensation of drug residues going through my skin, and then observe the pounding heartbeat, the sudden 'rush' of pleasure and excitement that comes from touching tobacco, and all the other symptoms that I observe from touching tobacco.

I could also do that with any other herb that I claim that I can feel, like St. John's Wort. I'd do it very easily with ephedra, but it's too dangerous to handle ephedra - I would have to order a new packet of seeds, and I don't want to have another 'explosion' of new ephedra poison in my house or in my mailbox. If I had ephedra seeds, I could demonstrate it to THEM instead of just doing the test myself. I'd rub the ephedra seeds on their skin, and then tell them, 'Now go home and try to take a nap. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' Then they would be awake for three weeks in a row. The only problem with doing the demonstration that way is, they will spread the ephedra residues from their skin, to all of their clothing, and the blankets of their bed, and the steering wheel of their car, and everything they touch or brush against. So they'd have to do this test in a chamber where it wouldn't matter what you touched or what got contaminated, instead of ruining their belongings.

I want to be believed. Being believed and taken seriously is, probably, even more important than actually having someone do the work. I can't even begin to boss someone around if he shows the slightest sign of humoring me or disbelieving me. If he's thinking, 'I'll just do whatever she says to do, until finally she agrees to have sex with me,' that will just make me angry. I can easily see through someone who's only pretending to believe me. I want them to be able to understand it, and, even better, to agree completely, to feel the drug residues themselves, to touch a piece of fabric and say, 'my gosh, this really does have something on it!' For them to touch the contaminated test handkerchief and correctly identify which one it is. For them to experience a couple nights of insomnia because of ephedra contamination, where you lie there in bed, and you just lie there, and nothing happens at all, for hours and hours and hours, and then daylight comes and you get up and you've slept zero hours that night. I want to be believed. More than anything else.

But another thing I don't want is a woman-worshipper. I don't want to be worshipped. I've read Warren Farrell, so I know that there is feminism, and there is masculism, or masculinism, or whatever it's called. There are two sides to this, and both of them have legitimate grievances. I want a man to take seriously the knowledge and observations and interpretations that I have, but I want him to believe it because it's real, not because I'm a goddess who rules over him. I want him to believe it because it's real. Not because I say so. Now, it's true, sometimes you trust a person so much (from past experience) that you'll believe their observations even without testing them, because you know that person really well and you've seen that they're right most of the time. That's different. I've had authors who I believed, almost no matter what they said, because I'd read previous books they had written, and those other books made sense to me. I'd have only small disagreements with them over specific things.

For instance, if I recall correctly, Harry Browne sometimes made fun of people who claimed to be 'psychic' or to have had foresight of an event that happened, like people who said that they predicted the 9/11 Twin Towers attacks. But I myself had something happen that night, before the attacks - the voices were doing something with me before it happened. They were saying that I chose to stay here and stand my ground, that I had chosen not to leave the country, and that no matter what happened, no matter who attacked, I would stay here and protect my home. I was fantasizing about people invading my home, and wondering what I would do about it if that happened. I didn't know anything specific that they might be talking about. It was just something that I was thinking. To me, it seemed like it had to do with the computer hackers, instead of a physical attack. But the next day, the Twin Towers were attacked. Somebody knew about it ahead of time and the voices were warning me, but they could not be specific about what the nature of the attack would be, they only knew it was going to be an attack.

So I myself experienced a 'psychic' prediction that some kind of attack was about to happen, the night before 9/11. Back then, I didn't know about electronic mind control, I only knew about computer hackers, so I didn't know that I was talking to real people in my head. But Harry Browne disbelieved people who claimed to have predicted the attacks, and after I learned about electronic mind control, I could easily see how a person really would know about something in advance, if the mind control people were connected in some way with government, or criminals, or people in other countries who were responsible for the attacks. So I disagreed with Harry Browne about whether it was possible to 'psychically' predict that some things would happen.

Anyway the point was that I had a few disagreements with favorite authors that I trusted, but overall, I trusted what they said.

It only seems fair that I've read a lot of books written by men, I've studied belief systems written by men, I've learned so much from men, that it only seems fair that I would tell something to a man, and he would listen to me. It seems fair, because I've listened to the men so many times. I've learned so much from them. Why would it seem so hard to listen to a woman who had special knowledge that no one else has, and believe her?

Warren Farrell talks about the position of men and how they are not necessarily the ones who have all the power. A man might not want to listen to a woman's knowledge, because he feels as though that woman already has all the other powers, like power over sex. He needs sex more intensely than she does. A woman can easily find lots and lots of men to have sex with, but it's harder for a man to find a woman willing to have sex with him. That is based on what I've seen at the dating website. I'm not beautiful, I'm just, ehh, average, but even so, all I have to do is open up a profile on a dating website - even if I don't have any photos! - and dozens upon dozens of men will contact me immediately, within a couple of days, while I sit there and do nothing at all. It isn't because I'm special. It happens even if I don't put up any photographs, and even if I don't write anything specific in my descriptions. There are dozens of men desperately trying to find women, and failing. The woman just has to sit there. So maybe a man doesn't want to listen to a woman's knowledge, and believe her, and trust her reasoning, because he's already angry and resentful about how badly he needs sex, and how easy it is to be in her position, just sitting there waiting to be bombarded with dozens of requests from total strangers. If you don't believe me, men, you can try it yourself. Go to a dating website and fill out a profile pretending to be a woman. Better still if you can find a photograph of a woman and pretend it's you. Then, just sit there. Dozens of guys will contact you in just a few days. Then, go fill out a profile as a man. You will hear nothing but dead silence for weeks or months. Nobody contacts the men.

But in spite of all this, I still need to find someone willing to believe me.

****

I wrote 'bi-curious' on my profile, but I'm not sure if that will last long.  I think it's just a temporary fad that I did because the voices suggested that I should do it.  It's mostly because of Curtis and his bisexual girlfriend and their threesome.  Bi-tolerant would be more accurate.  Non-homophobic would also be accurate.  But I still feel that if women were trying to fall in love with me, I would not be interested in putting much into that relationship.  I'm not fascinated with them in the same way - I don't intensely desire to know everything about them and 'merge.'

Let me give an example.  I saw some of Curtis's 'world' when I looked at the images he saved in his facebook page.  He has some beautiful, surreal paintings of landscapes and other worlds.  I saw them and I felt that I wanted to *BE* him, I wanted to *become* him, to see those paintings and feel however he felt when he looked at them.  They were beautiful to me, not just because I agreed that they were beautiful, but because HE thought they were beautiful.  I wanted to see what he saw, feel what he felt, love what he loved, and when I looked at those paintings, I felt that I was merging with his world.  But I don't usually feel that way about a woman.  In fact, I can't think of any woman who I've ever felt that intensely fascinated with.  I can't recall a time when I met a woman and desperately, passionately, intensely wanted to know what she knows, love what she loves, see what she sees, the way that I feel about Curtis or other guys that I have had intense crushes on.  So I hesitate to even say that I'm 'bi-curious.'  Even THAT seems to be saying too much.  But I did write it on the profile.  I might remove it after a while.  Unfortunately, I might just be a plain, vanilla, boring old heterosexual like all the other mainstream people.