i need you

10:56 AM 7/27/10

Going to a dating website, while still being brokenhearted and obsessed with somebody else, is almost impossible to do.

the bisexual threesome thing - how does that make me feel
'bi-tolerant' - tell about how the murderers tortured me when the attacks began, so that I got scared to even admit that I was 'bi-curious,' and can't even think about it without getting upset because of the attacks
bonobo apes
'i don't need anything you could give me'

He might not be a Type Six. But I've just suspected that he was, from the beginning when I met him. I make a lot of mistakes guessing people's enneagram types. It was the tattoos and earrings, and what happened with his mother being sexually harassed when we worked together at McD, when she sort of... gave encouraging signals to the manager who harassed her. And no, I don't mean to blame her for it, because it was the manager who decided to do what he did, while some other person might have resisted the urge to do that. But I had the same feeling from him: harass me, don't harass me, leave me alone, I need you, I don't need you, I trust you, I distrust you. It all felt like a Six. Tattoos, counterphobic pain endurance, ear piercings, these things all feel like a Six. (Uh-oh, I'm saying the same phrase more than once. That means it's going through my head, which probably means it's coming from 'them.')

And I have that feeling: I love Sixes, but at the same time, I can't stand dealing with them. You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, and so on. I love that song. Is that 'Pink' again? I'll have to look it up, I forget who it is. (No, it says Katy Perry.) That's a song about a Six. My first long-lasting boyfriend in high school was DEFINITELY a Six, with an abusive family environment and some drug use, both of which made him much more inconsistent and unpredictable. And I remember the love I felt for him. I felt a strongly protective feeling towards him, a desire to make it all better, to fix everything, to see the vulnerable child inside him. My feelings for him were the strongest love that I have ever felt for anyone. (Now that I've discovered I'm an 'ephebophile' I understand that my feelings for adult men are much weaker, and if I were with a 16-year-old boy again, I would probably feel that intense love.)

The voices also told me that he might be a Five. There are some signs of that. He might be a Six with a Five wing, or a Five with a Six wing. The voices are always saying that he and I are 'identical.' That he's just like me. He's clearly a Sexual instinctual type. The voices called him an 'approval junkie.' They tell me that his frequent cuts are not accidental. (Although I'm not saying that he has control over that, either.) They tell me that he drives too fast and recklessly, and I believe it, and I thought I heard his car recently in the rain, or rather, the voices told me it was him. He shows some 'testing' behavior like a Six. The 'are you telling the truth? I'll test you to find out,' behavior.

"Sixes and Fives can quite readily mistype, especially if the wing is strong and the Six is intellectual. It is typically Sixes who mistype, or are mistyped by others as Five, rather than the reverse. Both types can be drawn to systems of thought, and counterphobia in Sixes can mimic the iconoclasm common in type Five. Sixes, however, tend to relate far better than Fives do to whomever is a part of their social scene, and Sixes, in general, tend to find it easier to find a niche than do the more idiosyncratic Fives. Also, as a general rule, Sixes are more likely to look for and find practical applications to theory than do Fives who are often uninterested in such considerations. Finally, Sixes, unlike Fives, do not habitually detach under pressure." http://www.ocean-moonshine.net/e142857369/index.php?module=pagemaster&PAGE_user_op=view_page&PAGE_id=9&MMN_position=33:33

The 'fuck it - don't even try' attitude is more like a Five. And he sometimes says that.

I can't stop obsessing about him even as I use the dating website. I hate it, I really do. And I can see that no matter what happens I will probably still be connected with him. Every day when I see him at work, even though I can't look at him when he's near me and potentially able to talk, I still look at him when he's far away across the room, and I'm happy to know he's there. I said that he was my ray of sunshine and I didn't mean it sarcastically, I meant it seriously. He brightens everything up just by being there and it's dark when he's gone. Even if we are 'fighting,' quote unquote, because something hurtful was said to me in a text message, I am still always glad that he is there.

*****
Oh, I still didn't write about the bisexual threesome thing.

I interpreted Carrie and Jayme as being best friends instead of bisexual lovers. I blogged about it a few weeks ago, and commented about how women sometimes say things that aren't literally true, like they might call each other 'lover,' that kind of thing, and Carrie calls Jayme her 'wifey.' I know a woman who called me 'lover' just recently, even though we are barely more than strangers, and I took it to be meant affectionately. I had a best friend for eleven years, the longest non-family relationship that I have ever had, but we did not do anything sexual, though we were together constantly and talked on the phone for hours. So I assumed Carrie and Jayme were like that.

In the long text conversation we had, when I asked him what he could see right now (because I had the feeling I was talking to a computer instead of a person), he said 'I see Carrie making out with her friend Jayme.' I wasn't sure if this was a joke or literally true. I wasn't sure if he was saying it just to get a reaction from me. It might not have been happening at that very moment, but it probably does happen.

Later on, I wrote (on paper) my reactions to that. I had a lot of feelings about it. I got this feeling, this image, of him being secure and comfortable and happy, in a relationship where he had everything he wanted. A lot of people fantasize about having a threesome relationship, or they want to watch two women making out, so his situation seems like 'I have something that other guys only dream of.' The other part of the implied message was 'I don't need you. There's nothing you can give me that I don't already have.' So, this was one of the hurtful things that he said to me, in text, that have been adding up to this list of hurtful things making me afraid to text him anymore or reach out to him anymore. I'm afraid to try talking to him because he could always say something like that, something unexpected and hurtful. And yes, I know all about being a puppet and being forced to say hurtful things, but that knowledge doesn't help. I still get traumatized when these things are said to me. And maybe, in a free world where we were not being attacked by mind control, he would be more trusting and he might not impulsively say those kinds of things to me. I don't know. I don't know how people behave in a free world.

My reaction isn't so much like, 'Oh my god! I'm a religious prude, and the idea of two women making out is blasphemous and disgusting!' That's not how I feel. I can tolerate the idea of it and I have always been open-minded about bisexuality, although I still feel threatened or jealous about it, but that's not the same as judging it to be wrong or evil, it's just another kind of jealousy. I'd feel jealous if he was with other guys and having a special relationship that I could never have with him, and ignoring me and leaving me out. If I weren't being ignored, it would be different, and I wouldn't worry about it as much. So I'd feel threatened by that, and also, I feel threatened/jealous about his having the 'threesome' relationship, which is something that I'm not doing.

About my own 'bi-curiosity,' that was suppressed a few years ago when the murderers started attacking me. They forced me to have traumatic, disgusting nightmares with disgusting images of being forced to suckle female breasts and that kind of thing, and they associated a feeling of rage and disgust and being violated and raped. In reality, I'm a little shy with women, and other women might talk casually about their bodies, for instance, saying something crude like 'I've gotta go take a piss' or something, and that makes me feel nervous and prudish and uptight. I can't talk that way. I was raised to use words like 'urinate.' I can't use vulgar words for bodily functions (piss, fart, poop, and so on), and I can't be casual or open about exposing my body to other women. Some heterosexual women don't seem to care at all about, for instance, walking around naked or half naked in the presence of other women, but I would be uptight about doing that.

Some of it is from repressed sexual feelings, because I do respond sexually to women, in the right circumstances, especially during my strong hormone phases, or when I'm on drugs. It happened the other day, and it was caused by, you guessed it, drinking cream again. I ate some soups from the deli, because I wanted to get seafood in my diet, and I mixed together the clam chowder and the lobster bisque - the lobster bisque by itself is nothing but broth, so I didn't want to have just that - and both of those are made with cream. I ate a lot of it, and afterwards I was having the 'hormone flood' feelings again. I was walking around feeling sexually aroused and looking at everybody, including women, and often when I feel that way, it's fat women that I like to look at. (Who knows why, but fat women have something erotic about them when I am in that mood. That would also be the time when I like fat men and I'm looking at their 'moobs,' which I commented about the other day. The sensation that I feel, in that mood, is that I myself feel fat, and the feeling is pleasant and erotic.)

This is why I tend to feel comfortable with lesbians or bisexual women. I feel that they care more about me than heterosexual women (who are competing against me). The lesbian/bi women are focused on ME because they like ME. They are less hostile towards me. With heterosexual female friends, I feel as though they're my friends for a 'reason,' like they have to gain something from me somehow, instead of liking me for myself. If I'm with lesbian/bi women, I also feel less afraid of the sexual feelings. If I am in a mood of being sexually aroused by women, I don't have to be worried or ashamed about it when I'm with them. But with heterosexual women or homophobic women, I would have to hide it. If I get that feeling around les/bi women, I can relax and accept it, while still feeling anxious, repressed, and prudish, and they would have sympathy for me instead of being disgusted.

However, the 'fear of being overwhelmed,' an enneagram Five thing, is something that happens to me with les/bi women. It stops me from acting on any sexual feelings I have for them. I'm afraid that the women will be attracted too strongly to me, and sooner or later, I won't be in the mood for it, or it will disgust me on a different day, or I won't care about them strongly enough, and they'll need me too much, and be too clingy or too desperate. If a woman fell in love with me, it might be hard to deal with, if I didn't feel as strongly towards her. I always had crushes on boys, ever since I was in nursery school, so I identify as heterosexual, and I've never made out with a woman in real life, only in the chatroom. So I don't know what it would be like if I were required to 'be there' for a woman who was in love with me and needed my attention all the time.

In some ways, it might be easier than a relationship with a man. I know from experience, and also from scientific studies, and from 'common knowledge', that women really are different from men, their brains are different, their skills are different. When I talk to women, they are able to talk about feelings more easily, and able to talk about relationships more easily, and able to look inside themselves in a 'psychological' way and say 'I feel this, I want this, this is who I am.'

Men have a harder time doing that, not just because of our culture, but because their brains really are different. However, GAY men are able to talk about feelings and relationships, because their gay brains are different from hetero male brains. The stereotype of the gay best friend is true, the gay guy who gets along well with women and thinks and acts like a woman, is true. I've often fallen in love with men who later turned out to be gay, or I knew they were gay all along but I couldn't help loving them anyway, or they were bisexual. One guy I was with for a little while in high school later came out as gay. I loved his weirdness. He was really unusual. I can't remember any details of HOW he was unusual, except I know that he was obsessed with Japanese animation at a time when the internet barely existed and nobody knew about Japanese animation. That's only one of the many weird things about him.

I don't like to go around with man-hating women. I don't want to walk around in a group of women who are complaining about how much they hate men and how inferior men are and how evil men are. This might be something about me, but it might also be because I read Warren Farrell's books and decided not to ever be a man-hater because of his books. A lot of heterosexual women become friends and go around in a group for the purpose of hating men and complaining about men, and that's not the kind of female friends that I want to have.

I read about bonobo apes and I envy them for being relaxed about bisexual sex. With them, it's a casual thing and no big deal. That is the way it should be. They are the closest relatives of human beings, and we are THEIR closest relatives as well. Gorillas are farther away from bonobos than WE are. We think that bonobos and gorillas are a lot alike, because they both have fur all over their bodies, and humans don't have much fur. But the fur is the only thing that makes them similar. In reality, the bonobos are much more similar to the furless humans. I read that in a library book about bonobos.

Bonobos have made me feel much more comfortable about any bisexual feelings that I've had. They also make me comfortable about any pedophile urges that I've felt, because bonobos allow the children to watch them during sex, to approach them and touch them, and they also have been seen doing their 'genital rubbing' with the children. With bonobos, sex is an everyday part of life, and it's just another way of bonding, as common as hugs and handshakes, instead of being something to be afraid of. 'Sex' isn't in a separate category from all other kinds of touch. With humans, 'sex' and 'touch' are two different categories, and 'sex' is a big, secret category that has to be kept private and it's a big huge deal, while 'everyday touch' is supposed to be normal and safe and calm and appropriate. With bonobos, all types of touch are in the 'everyday' category. They're fascinating to read about.

Trying to do anything new that I haven't tried before - the voices have been urging me to try out a relationship with a woman, and at the same time, they weren't sure if I'm ready to do that just now. I feel like I'd be doing it just to prove something to Curtis, to prove that I'm just as good as his bisexual girlfriend, to compete against her. I don't want to do it for THAT reason, because then, whatever woman I was with would eventually be abandoned, since I didn't love her for herself, I was only USING her to prove something to Curtis. I would have to be with a woman because I was focused on her for herself. I would have to find a very special woman. It couldn't be just ANY woman, and it couldn't be a casual playful affair.  Not only that, but I would be frustrated with the butch-lesbian haircuts that they tend to have.  I like hip-length hair (or natural afros or dreads, if applicable) and unplucked eyebrows on women just as much as I like long hair on men, and so we would be fighting about getting her to stop plucking her eyebrows, stop using makeup, and when you try to change somebody's grooming behavior, it doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman, it will always be a battle.

My memories of my relationship with Rachael are the 'template' for what I imagine a female-female friendship could be like. Rachael and I always had deep conversations. Same with Valencia later on, my best friend in college, although she didn't have the same type of deep conversations that Rachael and I did. Rachael was DEFINITELY an ENFP, because everything was abstract and symbolic to her, she was interested in 'meanings' and 'synchronicity' and other abstract ideas, and she wasn't good with the 'real world,' doing everyday things and practical reality. She wrote poetry where she played with the pieces of the words, the Latin roots, words broken into fragments, with punctuation in strange places to convey a meaning. Every detail of the poem had to be explained, and it was full of layers of meaning. That's the 'template' for the special kind of woman that I would want to be friends with.

At the same time, I felt inferior to her. I'm not abstract-minded. I didn't understand a lot of what she said. It was always interesting, but yet, I couldn't participate in it that much, I couldn't add to the ideas she had. When she left me for her husband, when she joined his 'cult' and decided that 'everybody is evil, including Nicole,' that made me feel like any Myers-Briggs intuitive, or Idealist, would eventually leave me because I couldn't give them what they needed. I'm distrusting of ENFPs now because of her. I'm thinking, 'they can't REALLY like me.' Eventually I will disappoint them by being too dull and down-to-earth.

So basically, I am an impossible-to-satisfy pervert in the most inconvenient ways possible. I'm a bi-curious (or 'bi-tolerant'), long-hair-loving pedophile who doesn't feel strongly attracted to fully grown short-haired clean-shaven men; loves teenage boys in the whole range from 'very illegal' to 'slightly illegal' to 'barely legal'; loves short skinny guys instead of big tall muscular guys, the skinnier the better; feels attracted to women SOMETIMES when I'm in the right mood, but might not be able to sustain a female relationship if I had to ALWAYS be in the sexual mood for them; and not only that, but I can't even explain about the personality/intellectual things that make somebody 'interesting' or 'boring' to me - I can't even articulate those things. I'm most attracted to people who are 'weird' in some way, but I can't define 'weird.' And I don't like ALL weird people - in fact, some weird people really annoy me, and I can't relate to them at all. But yet, 'normal is boring,' and I can't be myself and be understood by someone who's too normal. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I also love intact uncircumcised penises, but that is too much to expect when you live in the USA, and somebody has to meet all the other criteria of attractiveness in addition to that.

Impossible to satisfy. This is why I hate using a dating website to meet people. But I guess it's better than it was in the old days when we didn't have the internet...

The feeling that I can't offer anything Curtis needs or wants - that I can't even offer him MONEY - I can't even get him to agree to let me visit him for a five-minute conversation, or say 'yes' to a hug, or promise any kind of continuing relationship beyond the workplace - 'I don't need you' is the theme going on right now. And when I see him, when I look into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes, all I can feel is '*I NEED YOU!*'

I guess I'll post this now.