reading manga; showing off for the audience; ending on a sour note

12:55 AM 7/7/10

I'm getting the impression that Curtis and Carrie might be seeing each other again. When I say 'seeing each other,' I mean, having sex or making out or whatever they do. When they 'broke up,' she told me they were still seeing each other, as friends, so they still are together. I don't know what it means that they 'broke up,' unless it means not having sex. Now he's changed his picture back and it's no longer the crying Caden picture, and Carrie says she is in an 'it's complicated' relationship. She mentioned seeing 'her babi' which is what she calls him. If it's like last time, this means he won't even allow me to get a phone call. I had asked him to call me back when he was officially dating her, and he said he hardly even had time to do that, a phone call.

*****

Continuing on the Sx/So testing: Peter has asked me a couple times recently to take him out shopping. He likes Weis's produce department more than Wal-Mart's, and he likes a few other things about Weis, so he has asked me to take him to Weis, but since my store is the nearest one that's open 24 hours, we've gone to my store several times recently late at night. This is probably a puppeteering scenario that they wanted to set up, I'm guessing, but not necessarily. Peter really does prefer to shop there.

Anyway, when we're walking around together at a place where people know me, I am doing something that I've always done for a long time: I am a public spectacle. I am showing off for an imaginary audience. Everyone around me is looking at me. I'm walking around with my boyfriend, and this is the most exciting thing that's happened all day. Showing off for the audience, for all the people who know me, instead of just privately focusing on him or focusing on what we're doing. When a cute guy is nearby, I laugh more loudly, and I use big words and say intelligent-sounding things loudly, which happened when a dreadlocked guy with shoulder-length hair was at the next register, and I had to explain to Peter how to pay by check, and I said I knew what to do but I 'couldn't explain it verbally.' The volume was raised enough for the guy to hear me. I always want everyone to think how great I am because I am walking around with my boyfriend. It's an arrogant feeling, a desire for attention, a desire for everyone to notice me. I make eye contact and smile at everyone as we walk by, and I feel like I'm somebody important, and more important than usual. This has always happened - I did it back when I was walking around with Eric, too, years ago.

Sometimes I asked myself, Who is the audience I'm showing off for? What if I was actually *WITH* the person I hoped would see me? Who would I show off for then? What if I was with the best possible person that I could be with, and there was nobody else who I cared about more than that, and nobody else who I wanted to see me, more than that person - would I still want to show off for an audience? Would I still look at all the other guys around me while I'm walking around with my boyfriend, and imagine that those guys wish they could be with me? I always want other people to be jealous as they see me, to wish they were with me. I have a feeling that this is a tendency that I will always have, no matter who I'm with. It's one of the reasons why I believed in polyamory as soon as I read about it.

There is the phenomenon of 'embracing' some idea, and being 'out' about it. Like gay people who embrace their gayness and become highly visible, 'out', flaming gays, instead of quietly hidden gays. I like to do things like that. If I find that I'm shy about something, I like to make a rule that says you shouldn't be shy about that, and you should openly flaunt it instead of hiding it. That's the rule about not shaving. (Note, the only reason I'm still wearing long pants is because they are what I'm finding in the $0.29 Goodwill section. I have to cut them off to make shorts, which is a hassle. Also, I had some drug residues on my car seat, which I should try to wipe off the vinyl, so I was a little anxious about wearing shorts again. But I am not hiding my hairy legs on purpose.) I like to find that there's something I'm being shy about and decide that it shouldn't be forbidden, shouldn't be kept hidden, so I should express it and accept it. That includes everything, such as my tendency to be showing off for an audience when I'm with my boyfriend. That is part of my self-acceptance. I say, I shouldn't think I'm evil for doing that, or evil for feeling that way, or evil because I want everyone to see me.

I've been that way for as long as I can remember, wanting an audience to see me when I'm with my friends, raising my voice so a guy nearby can hear me, laughing louder, talking differently because other people are watching, showing off.

That's all part of the sx/so testing. It's what I imagine a sx/so would be like, and it's the way I've always been for a long time.

*******

Today I picked up a manga book at Barnes & Noble. I saw something about manga - it might have been on television, but I can't think where I would have seen it on TV - I can't imagine that a TV show at Peter's house would have been about manga. But that has to be where I saw it.

Manga is a type of 'comic' book, from Japan. They would be called 'graphic novels.' They are taken seriously and read by people of all ages, not just children and not just weirdos. They can be about anything, not just superheroes or that kind of thing. They can be about mundane topics just as well.

The one I picked up was called 'Chobits.' I picked it up because it had a picture of a girl with floor-length hair on the cover.

Oh, by the way. 'What Men Want.' I picked up another book called 'The Pillars of the Earth,' I think. I opened it up to a random page somewhere in the middle of the book. A guy named Will was talking about how he would spy on this other girl, and he (the book narrator) described how he watched her go outside and bathe in the water, one time, and he watched her while she washed the 'surprisingly large amount of thick, curly hair' between her legs, and he ejaculated in his pants while he watched. Did the book say he watched her washing off her 'smooth, bare, neatly shaved pussy?' No, it said 'surprisingly large amount of thick, curly hair' between her legs. Yet another piece of evidence that not all men want their women to be completely shaved everywhere, and in fact, they can be very excited about body hair.

So, floor-length hair, another 'What Men Want' image, is ALL OVER the manga books. Extremely long hair is very common in those books. Why aren't women listening? Hundreds and hundreds of sexual fantasies, written by men, show these images of women with extremely long hair, floor length and beyond, and they're being ignored. Who cares what they want? (I do.)

Yesterday was Frida Kahlo's birthday. As we all know, Frida Kahlo was forgotten by history, and loathed by all of society, because of her horrible ugliness, those connected eyebrows and that unshaved mustache and everything. Obviously false: Frida Kahlo is famous and loved by many. Millions of people think she's amazingly beautiful in addition to being a great artist. (I don't like her art very much, by the way. I just like her for her physical appearance and the eyebrows and mustache.  Yes, I'm serious.  I really don't like her art that much.  I just like what she stands for, with hair and grooming.)

I got into reading 'Chobits' - and I couldn't put it down. I was sitting in an uncomfortable position on a bench, trying to avoid the cushiony seats, which seem to give me a drug residue reaction. I sat there for like an hour and a half reading that book, and got so stiff I had to stand up and stretch, and that was about when Peter called me on the phone and asked if I could take him out shopping. I didn't get very far in the book. But it made me see everything in cartoons for a while afterwards. Everywhere I looked, I imagined that it was drawn into a line drawing and it became part of the book.

I've looked at those graphic novels and manga books before. There was another one, and I don't remember the name of it. It must have been written in a country that practices female circumcision. There was a scene where the main character was in an art class, and a woman was posing nude. There is a feeling of shame, humiliation, and ridiculousness here. In the book, the woman fell asleep during the drawing, and when she fell asleep, her legs spread open and he could clearly see her vulva for the first time, and was very excited about it. The shame/ridiculous feeling is from the artificialness, the fakeness, the 'sexual fantasy' feeling, the 'contrived' feeling, of how she 'fell asleep,' and that's how he was able to finally see her vulva. I remember being a teenager, when someone 'falling asleep' was a big deal - Rachael and I used to talk about a time whenever our crush, Jeremy, fell asleep someplace where we could see him, and how cute and wonderful it was, and how we wished we had a picture. In this book, it was the same. Something that was a big, huge deal, something to get extremely excited over, but at the same time, unreachable and impossible. After I had sex, after having sex became 'normal,' I didn't make a big deal about it anymore, but back when I was a teenager, sex was something impossible, something that happened in another universe. The books have that feeling.

Anyway, the 'female circumcision' part of it was that the book showed the woman with her legs spread. And all that they showed was a hole, and nothing else. There were no lips, no labia, nothing at all there, except the hole of the vagina. The artist who drew the book didn't even look online to see images of women with intact labia, and draw it from those. He drew a woman with nothing there at all. It seemed like it was normal, or desirable, to expect that the nude model had no labia. That seemed strange to me. It made me wonder what country the book came from. A lot of them do come from Japan, but not all of them, and Japan doesn't do female circumcision as far as I know. The drawings are realistic enough that I would have expected more detail - they're not just crude cartoons without any detail.

Through the books that I've seen, there is intense sexual excitement, along with the 'it's impossible' feeling that I used to have as a teenager before I ever had sex for real and got used to it. Every little thing is a big huge deal, every tiny gesture, every look in their eye. I can see that in my old diaries from eighth grade.

Nearly everything in the books is a fetish. The extremely long hair is a fetish. Females who are actually computers or robots with artificial intelligence - that's a fetish. Very young people, in their early teens, as sex objects. Themes like that are everywhere in those books.

I then wondered, how would a nudist like me write a book like that, and remove all the clothing - but still somehow create suspense and seduction? The people are all naked. You can't fetishize their clothing anymore. You can't draw an image of the girl's shirt slipping down just a little bit so that her breasts stick out the top of it. You can't draw an image of her skirt lifting up just a little bit too far so that you can see the top of her thighs or her butt. All of that is gone. They are now totally naked and there's nothing to hide anymore. There's nothing that can be just barely revealed, enough to excite you, but still unreachable and inaccessible. Where's the suspense now? Where's the plot, the story, the romance, the seduction, in a nudist manga? This is my green hat thinking. (Edward de Bono: Six Thinking Hats. When you 'wear the green hat,' it means that you go with an idea to see where it takes you, even if it seems illogical or impossible.) I'm going to assume that it CAN be done, somehow. In spite of total nudity, suspense and seduction still exist. I just have to find a way.

When we remove all the barriers, the things that are 'forbidden,' and no, I don't mean ALL of them - I myself still forbid a lot of things - when you remove many of those barriers, what then becomes important when we're not worried about those things anymore? When one value need is met, another value rises in importance. You're not worried about X anymore, so you can spend more time worrying about Y than you used to. You never really had enough time to worry about Y in the past because you were so busy worrying about X, but now X isn't an issue anymore. What's the next thing we're worried about?

Some people have complained that humans are insatiable, that there's something WRONG with us, because when we get what we want, we always want something else after that, and we're never happy with what we've got. There's some truth to that - you might refer to the 'disconnected' enneagram types, the One, Four, and Seven, because they will always tend to be dissatisfied with reality, and want something else. But in a way, that's normal. It's normal that if some of your needs are met, you can afford to worry about all the other stuff that you never had time for in the past.

I am part of the 'disenchanted wealthy' class. I grew up in a wealthy family, and in my adulthood, I feel that being wealthy, or appearing to be wealthy, isn't that important. It's important to have enough money saved, and it's important to have enough income, and yes, I'm worried about money and I want to have more income - but what I mean is, there are people who come from poor families, and all they want is to avoid looking poor, and they want to look wealthy, and they want to buy big mansions and fancy cars because they never had those things, and they are ashamed of having been poor. But I grew up having the big mansion and the fancy car and so I can go around wearing a t-shirt and jeans, that kind of thing, and not worry that I look poor, at least not quite as much. That's not entirely true, but it is partly true. This conflicts with a desire to show off, with what I was describing about walking with Peter up above. But there is something that I'm talking about, the group of people who make intentional communities, and it has been said that they tend to come from the disenchanted wealthy class, the people who grew up with money and felt that money and big mansions didn't give them what they need, what they always wanted. But again, this is in conflict with wanting to show off. I'm not wearing disposable Goodwill clothes because that's how I WANT to dress. I'm wearing them because I have to throw my clothes in the garbage when they get contaminated and the drug residues don't wash out after ten washings and I still have a reaction to them. So nobody really knows what kind of public image I would put on if I could have the clothing I want, and keep it, and not have to throw it in the garbage because of contamination. In fact, nobody knows the real me at all: I've been a puppet for a very long time now. I don't even know what I would do.

There is something I was trying to describe. It's people who choose to live in intentional communities and give up the wealthy lifestyle because they are seeking some ideal that doesn't come from money. But actually, there is some conflict there too - many of the intentional communities are extremely expensive to live in, because you have to pay for the land you live on. Poor people can't afford to live in a mud hut, because living in a mud hut is the most expensive lifestyle on earth. Only the extremely rich can afford to live in mud huts in an intentional community. I was reading the intentional communities book and I was disgusted when I read that in one community in Ithaca, New York (I remembered where it was because my brother went to college in Ithaca), many of the community members had government jobs and jobs with the school, jobs that wouldn't exist without government money and government intervention. They're not the free market jobs. Only government employees can afford to live in intentional communities. Universities are created by government and paid for with government money and borrowed money.

******

I feel better than I've felt in quite some time, because I washed my dreadlocks more thoroughly than usual. I was starting to notice that whenever my hair touched the skin on my back, and on the back of my neck, I felt the tickly sensation of drug residues going through my skin. They would have gotten onto my hair from the clothing that they touched. Some of the drug residues on my McD uniforms came from wearing the shared coats during the wintertime: apparently some other employee is a prescription drug user, maybe, or maybe they smoked pot while wearing the coat, or something - whatever it was, I used to get extremely sleepy whenever I'd put on the shared coat, and I could feel drugs going through my skin. So that was how the uniform got ruined, and I think it got a lot of that stuff on my hair. I've been noticing it a lot for the past few weeks, noticing that when I washed it, it wasn't coming out. I wash my hair with only water. But the shower water doesn't penetrate the locks very deeply. The locks are thick and greasy and water runs off them. Yet the water that does penetrate tends to stay there for a long time and not get dry, so it smells like mildew.

I fixed this by taking a bath instead of a shower. I cleaned myself off in the shower, and then cleaned out the bathtub, because I've had a lot of incidents where I took a bath and there were drug residues in the bath and all I did was soak myself in drug residues all over my whole body. To avoid that, like I said, I cleaned that bathtub first. Then I filled the bath and soaked my hair underwater. I squeezed the dreadlocks and bent them and crushed them and made sure that they were completely soaked with as much water as possible. That worked very well. After that first bath, I noticed a difference in the tickly-drugs feeling when they touched my skin. I did that same thing again today, and noticed even more of a difference. I now feel more energetic and alert - I'm not being drugged constantly by something that won't wash out. This is why I've been cautious about dreadlocks in a contamination scenario. Dreadlocks can easily become contaminated and cause someone to be constanly on drugs.

****
For some reason, I was having conflicts with the voices while trying to write about the 'disenchanted wealthy class.' They were telling lies, or something. Apparently, whatever I wrote there wasn't quite true. I don't know which part of it was causing the conflict.

*****
I read about the sx/so, and my reaction was immediately that 'Sx/So is the coolest! That's the one I wish I was.' This happens any time I read about personality types. Something in the way that it's written by a particular author will make it look like one type is 'better' than the other types, so that's the type you want to be. You have to read a different author to get a more equal impression, to see that the other types are just as good, but different, to appreciate their strengths, and to accept yourself if you're an 'undesirable' type (like the battle between the sensors and the intuitives, in the Myers-Briggs forums and books, where sensors are the 'bad' ones that you don't want to be - and I eventually was shown (by 'the voices') that I'm actually a sensor, an ISFP, so I've had to accept that).

What descriptions make it seem like Sx/So is 'the coolest and the best?' They're the type that famous musicians and other celebrities have. 'Alpha Males' are the Sx/So Type Eight, and alpha males are supposedly 'the best,' someone you're supposed to go chasing after. (The voices described me as a 'beta female.' That's an inferior ranking female, not the highest rank.) They're described as having 'raw charisma.'

******
Well, sooner or later, if I can talk to Curtis, I can find out whether he's gotten back with Carrie, or what. And does that mean I won't even get a phone call at all? Every time I even think about trying to let go of him and be realistic, I get severely attacked by the murderers, who pretend that he 'needs' me, and they tell me not to let go.

They force me to rehearse things that I'm supposed to say to him. But a 'new operator' has been talking to me, someone who has a clue, or at least, that's the scripted scenario that I'm supposed to believe. Someone who pretends to be a new operator has been talking to me. They're pretending to have a clue, when actually, they knew all along how to 'operate' me properly, and for whatever reason, I'm being 'rewarded' recently - and I know why. It's because I wasted money on something they wanted me to buy, when I was on drugs and I was obedient. So they're rewarding me for destroying money on something I don't need. That's why they're letting me talk to voices that pretend to understand me better than the usual murderers - the usual murderers control me by saying something to the effect of 'Do what I tell you, right now, or I'll beat the shit out of you.' That's their way of doing things. The recent 'new' operator has been more understanding - but again, it's probably all a fake script, done as a 'reward' because I destroyed a bunch of money.

Anyway, the 'new operator' got me to say things a different way. He got me to tell the truth, and it worked, and I was able to say it. He got me to talk to Curtis and tell him that I was afraid of being hurt very badly. This was close enough to the truth that I was able to say it. 99.9% of the time, the murderers are forcing me to rehearse words and phrases that are lies, inaccurate, irrelevant, unnatural, and not goal-oriented, and opposed to my beliefs and my purposes. This 'new operator,' quote unquote, had me tell the truth. They usually force me to rehearse things that I would never actually say or do, because they are NOT ME, they are fake, they are unnatural. But they force me to rehearse these fake statements and lies and fake imaginary scenarios and fantasies in my head, over and over all day, and they won't let me think about REAL things that are actually useful. I try to think about something productive, like make a plan to do something that will greatly improve my life, for instance, buy a trailer instead of living in a moldy apartment with drug-residue-contaminated carpets all over the floor - buy a trailer so that I can live more cheaply. They won't let me even think about that at all without being zapped and hypnotized and forcibly distracted. When I try to think about it, the murderers force me to fall asleep, hear voices, see visions, and think about everything else but that, and one of the things they force me to think about instead is Curtis, and fake things that I'm supposed to rehearse myself saying to him. 'Hate' is the only word for how I feel about this. This is a crime. I call them murderers because of this.

I sometimes call them 'murdering morons' because not only are they murderers, they are also stupid, persistently stupid, all of the time, totally incompetent. The only people who are interested in using electronic mind control are the people who are so stupid that they don't know how to relate to human beings WITHOUT using electronic mind control - in other words, people who don't understand people at all! If you WANT to use electronic mind control to force people to do what you want, that's a SURE SIGN that you have little or no understanding of human beings at all. If you did, you wouldn't need electronic mind control to make them do things. That is the reason why the murderers are all totally stupid and incompetent and unable to understand human beings. They REALLY ARE stupid and incompetent about human psychology. You'd think that people who read minds and spy on people all day long, 24 hours a day, would UNDERSTAND PEOPLE. But the opposite is true. All they know how to do is destroy people.

I'd end this blog on a happy note, but it doesn't seem to be going that direction.

Quick summary, then. The dreadlocks are cleaner than they were, and I'm having less of a drug reaction. I enjoyed the manga that I read today, and fantasized about how I'd write my own manga book if all of the things that they're fetishizing were fulfilled, so there was nothing hidden anymore. New operator seems to understand me, but that's probably a temporary 'reward' for destroying a large amount of money to buy something I don't need. I like seeing myself as a Sx/So, and I hope that it helps the murdering morons understand me well enough that they become able to tell the truth when they force me to speak. And that's still not ending it on a nice note. Maybe this just isn't going to end on a nice note today.