the cry of my silent soul

9:38 PM 7/28/10

I bought a book last week at Barnes & Noble. It's called 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.' It's similar to 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty,' and other books about communication that I've read. It makes me aware of patterns of thought and speech, ways that we tell lies to each other.

This book made me aware that EVERY WORD that the voices try to force me to say to somebody is a verbal attack. The book makes you aware of verbal attacks, and you get in the habit of noticing them. I noticed that ALL of the forced speech, almost every word, almost without exception, is a verbal attack. They try to force me to say manipulative lies, to make people feel guilty, to 'placate' people by attacking myself first and apologizing first, and other tricks. Those forced speeches are not my own truth. My real self-esteem is higher than that.

Tonight I had the urge to send another text message to Curtis. He has rejected me and told me to leave him alone, at least, in text messages he has (is it really him? I don't know, I can't ask). I tried to resist the urge, because I have been hurt so many times, and I'm afraid that I will eventually push him too far so that he calls the police or something and uses them to make me leave him alone. I fought against the urge.

I was being bombarded with voices telling lies to me, trying to trick me into texting him, trying to make me believe he needs me, he misses me, he wants me to text him, he wants me to call him, he wants me to visit him, and so on.

I was getting ready to go shopping to buy new uniforms for myself, because my other new ones are slightly contaminated. They wanted me to get into a text conversation with him instead of going shopping.

I went out shopping instead. I thought about destroying the text phone so that I could never use it to text him again, but I can't do that until I write down the saved text messages that are on it. I already archived some of them on paper, but not all of them. I had to do it because I filled up the phone's memory and it couldn't save any more. But I decided to wait until I got home to do the phone archiving project.

While driving, the voices still attacked. The voice attacks seem to work this way: Something, an unknown cause, gives me a persistent 'feeling' that won't go away. It can be hormones, it can be drugs, it can be a food that I ate. Something causes me to have a mood. It has nothing to do with the attackers. But some kind of computer system alerts them to the fact that I'm in a 'mood.' The attacks begin. The attacks are designed to fit that mood. They become the 'rationale' for the unexplained, causeless mood. I'm angry, or I'm sad, and so the voices attack me in a way to 'explain' why I'm angry or sad. They force me to start rehearsing speech in my mind, in preparation for talking to somebody, in an angry or sad or clingy or demanding way. The forced speech fits the mood and starts to make me believe that 'I'm angry at this person, that's why I'm in a bad mood,' or 'That person hurt my feelings and rejected me, that's why I'm in a bad mood,' when actually, the bad mood is caused by drugs/food/etc. WHY the murderers do this, I don't know.

They were doing it tonight. They were forcing me to rehearse things that I was supposed to be forced to say to Curtis. They were forcing me to placate him and apologize and 'attack myself first,' making myself small and inferior and pathetic, instead of standing up for myself with the true dignity and honesty and self-respect that I have in my true soul.

I should have cleared out all of that behavior decades ago. I've been reading self-esteem books and communication skills books and psychology books and meditation books for decades. I've known this stuff for years. I used to practice meditation, before the murderers started zapping me, and I used to question myself, observe myself, and so on, and I could re-teach myself if I wanted to get rid of a behavior that I disliked. Long ago, I used to change my own mind at will, whenever I wanted. The murderers destroyed all that, and they changed me into a pathetic, sniveling, weak, helpless, apologizing victim unable to speak the truth.

I used to do it in an intuitive, nonverbal way. But the murderers zap and destroy all nonverbal meditation, anything intuitive. They destroy all deep understanding, all sense of perspective. The only tools I can use now are verbal speech. In order to defend myself against the forced, fake, self-destructive speech that the murderers make me say, I have to verbally whisper, 'out loud' inside my head, a verbal response that explains why their words are wrong. I can't just intuitively understand why it's wrong the way I used to. I have to use a word that describes why it's wrong.

So I am using that book to do that. It has labels for the bad kind of speech, the verbal attacks, the ones that I hate, the ones that I resist, the ones that I know are wrong and I fight against saying, the ones that I recognize as being 'not me,' not my true self.

I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to verbally whisper an explanation for why it's wrong, when it would be so much more effective and better and deeper if I understood it intuitively the way I did long ago.

Tonight, while driving my car to the store, when I was being forced to apologize and snivel and attack myself first, in my forced rehearsal of what I would say to Curtis, I verbally whispered: 'Placating. Self-directed, self-inflicted verbal attack, and therefore false.' Suddenly I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. I cried and howled loudly in the car for a couple of minutes while driving. It was because I felt grateful that I could fight against the lies being told, and grateful that I remembered my true self has much more dignity than this. I remembered that everything I have been forced to say and do, for years, has been a lie, has been puppet speech, that every word out of my mouth has been fake and controlled. I remembered that I am still alive, though I am silent and suppressed underneath the puppet self.

I was being forced to whisper to Curtis about how pathetic I am for trying to text him, and apologize for trying to talk to him, apologize for trying to connect with him, when actually, in the real world, why COULDN'T we be just friends? Why couldn't we have some kind of casual, relaxed friendship and just know each other as human beings? Why would that be wrong and shameful? *I* know there is nothing wrong with it.

It is absolute evil that I, and other people, have our true souls suppressed and silenced.