I offer to help, and you neglect me? (sic)

1:13 PM 7/21/10

The voices said, 'Dear world: I apologize for obsessing still more about this topic.'

Every once in a while, Curtis would ask for my help with some of his work. He would usually ask for something simple, like for me to finish washing the salad bar tongs, or to help him with some kind of accident, like a flooded drain in the back room.

One day I was running behind a bit, and I think I had also helped him with something earlier, at my own expense when I was already a bit late in closing the food service department.

He came over to me, and he seemed nervous like he was getting up his courage for something. He said, 'Can I help you with anything?' He seemed reluctant, stiff, uncomfortable. It seemed exactly like the times when the voices are forcing me to do something I don't want to do.

I got scared by this. I said, 'Oh, no, no, that's okay, you don't have to help me with anything!' I was thinking, but I didn't say out loud, 'You don't have to DO anything to be my friend.' I didn't want him to think that he had to 'do things for me' or 'pay' me in some way, to receive love and friendship. I didn't want to make him 'work' in order to be loved. It seemed like expecting too much if I asked him to help me finish my work.

He reacted instantly when I said no. 'I offer to help you, and you neglect me?' He said 'neglect,' not 'reject,' but I knew what he meant. He backed away and he seemed afraid and anxious. I can't describe exactly what his hands did, but he sort of blocked himself with his hands, putting them up in front of himself protectively. He's done that gesture before. Palms up and outwards facing me, if I recall - I'm trying to imitate the gesture he made, but it was so long ago, I don't remember.

I am more and more sure that someone is interfering with our electronic communication.