Well, I had a Frappucino and some apple juice, and it's staying down, so it looks like I will have to go in to work today. (I haven't vomited since... I don't know, maybe 2002? But I get stomach viruses, and I stop eating as soon as I notice the symptoms. I am severely emetophobic. I think emetophobia might be associated with apnea, which I also have. When I was a little kid, I projectile-vomited, and it terrified me because I couldn't breathe. The Weston Price website said that apnea is part of a cluster of problems having to do with the mouth, jaw, and throat being the wrong size and shape, part of the developmental abnormalities that he studied. Maybe if you have a small throat that tends to get closed or blocked easily, it's more likely you'll get phobic about vomiting. Who knows.)
My experiences with synthetic vitamins were awful, and I very quickly stopped using them. This was part of the things I was doing in the past few years to try to get better, deal with the chronic fatigue, etc. For a while I was trying over-the-counter vitamin pills and herbal pills.
I ended up growing my own St. John's Wort, because the pills were very inconsistent. They differed from batch to batch, and from brand name to brand name. You are getting a completely different chemical from one brand to the next, and it might be oxidized, or not, etc.
(From growing herbs, I learned all the obscure and esoteric information that I know now: Assume all live herbs are transdermal - able to go through skin - and the essential oils are volatile, and they contaminate surfaces, and they never biodegrade, so the contamination lasts forever. This is also true if you are smoking cigarettes inside the house: all 'smoked' surfaces will be covered with active nicotine, which will go through the skin and cause you, and everybody else in the house, including nonsmokers, to experience high blood pressure. The only way to cure the transdermally-induced high blood pressure is for everybody to leave the house and wear all new clothing that has never touched tobacco or smoke.)
(On another note, I've also learned that prescription drugs go through the skin, too. And they are excreted in sweat, which contaminates clothing and surfaces, and will re-trigger drug effects, side effects, and withdrawal symptoms every time you put on the contaminated clothing, or if you touch objects that have been in places where people are handling prescription drugs - even just a piece of paper. I once visited somebody who used prescription drugs, and when I came home, my clothing triggered drug effects every time I wore it, merely because I was hugging and touching that person. Contamination phenomena and transdermal phenomena seem to be very obscure - I never found anybody else on the internet, except myself, who knows about this, in all my research. What I mean is, nobody else on the internet has written about how growing and handling herbs (and seeds) indoors - and even handling prescription drugs - is the dumbest thing you can possibly do, and it will contaminate all of your belongings. A lot of them know that some herbs are transdermal, but they never emphasized that it will contaminate everything. If you handle them, it should be in an isolated area. And even prescription meds - I think that having one prescription drug user in the house affects the whole family. And I think doctors are inadvertently 'using' a small amount of every drug that crosses their desks, every drug that touches their hands, even still inside the bottles and wrappers - and have all the effects, side effects, and withdrawals. These are all obscure and unusual theories, and I wish more people were writing about this on the net.)
(Conclusion: To do an effective drug withdrawal/detox, you must leave the area where the drugs were handled, and stay somewhere else, like a hotel, wearing fresh clothing that you just purchased, and avoid carrying any belongings with you that have been in that house. Otherwise, you experience spontaneous incidents of transdermal drug effects, or possibly hand-to-mouth ingestion of the drug, months after stopping. I think that might explain why I experienced Prozac effects many months after I quit using it. I was touching some contaminated clothing or a surface. I could not figure out where it was coming from, but the symptoms were definitely real and obvious, and I decided somebody must be force-drugging me while I slept, or putting the drugs into my water in the fridge. And that led to the incident of writing letters to that guy, and ending up in the mental hospital, and getting convicted of harassment. It might have been just contamination, now that I know what I know.)
As for the vitamins, I had bad side effects from them.
First, I remember I tried Vitamin B6 pills because I read that they could help with insomnia. I was cautious, and I broke up the pill into tiny pieces, and ate only a fragment. But shortly afterwards, my arms were shaking and trembling. Tremors are one of the things that tell me I've been exposed to some kind of poison or pesticide. I trembled with B6, so I never used it again.
Synthetic vitamin B6 is extremely dangerous. In the past, doctors were prescribing huge doses of B6 to help women with menstrual cramps. In fact, I still read that they are recommending it today, even after all that happened. They found that when you take huge doses of synthetic B6, it causes permanent, irreversible nerve damage.
In fact, I knew a woman, back when I lived on Vairo Boulevard, at the apartment building. She had uncontrollable shaking in her hands, and she had a speech impediment. She told me that it was the result of using megadoses of B6 for menstrual cramps years ago. She never healed - it was irreversible. She used to be normal before using the vitamin.
Another anecdote where I knew nothing at all about what happened, but I had my own suspicions: a young, healthy guy had some kind of a tumor, I think on his thyroid, and I suspect he might have been using some kind of nutrient supplements or something (that includes those vitamin bars, you know, the ones that taste and feel like you're eating a bar of clay?). This was someone I knew and I think he might have been using vitamins because he was doing some kind of sports training like weight lifting, though I don't remember for sure what it was that he did. I think some of those supplements can screw up the thyroid.
I had the arm tremors after eating those 'clay' bars too.
The other really weird thing was what happened when I took a fish oil pill and a synthetic vitamin E pill. That was a disaster bordering on life-threatening. I could have had a mini-stroke because of that, and I think actually I did have one. The morning after I took those two pills, my whole body was covered in bruises all over the skin. And one whole side of my body was weak. When I walked, I stumbled on the weak leg. There was probably bleeding inside the brain, but it wasn't bad enough to kill me. For some reason, one or the other of those pills caused spontaneous bleeding and bruising, or else prevented clotting. I never touched either of those pills again.
gotta go to work for real now...
Monday, March 30, 2009
Synthetic Caffeine (Vivarin), Generic Ibuprofen
By the way, the first thing that convinced me that synthetic drugs might be different from the drugs in the original plants that inspired them, was when I used to use Vivarin. Something about Vivarin is so much stronger than ordinary caffeine, and so different, that even though the label says 'This contains as much caffeine as two cups of coffee,' it feels to me more like seventeen cups of coffee. I drink large amounts of coffee sometimes, and no matter how much I drink, it has no resemblance to the way I feel when I use Vivarin. Back when I was using Vivarin, I used to shatter the pill into tiny fragments, and eat only a fragment at a time.
(I don't use Vivarin anymore at all. It caused terrible drug interactions and side effects during the ephedra contamination incident, where I got several different herbal oils on many of my belongings. As in, life-threatening problems. I was using it partly because I have chronic fatigue. The chronic fatigue was partly caused by St. John's Wort, which causes sleepiness, but also, it was environmental illness caused by something in this house - the mold, which has been here for several years now. For a long time, I knew about black mold, but it was only in the past few months that I started to think mold might be causing my health problems. I didn't believe it was able to put so much of a fume into the air. So anyway, the tiredness from the mold is one reason I was using Vivarin.)
I also notice that I can't use the name brand ibuprofen pills - I wake up with my arms trembling the next morning - I get the shakes. The name brand version also gives me a really weird feeling in my head. But I can tolerate the generic version of ibuprofen. There is something different about those two pills, but I don't know what it is.
It could be reagents in excess, or it could be isomers. Isomers are different versions of the same molecule, sometimes a mirror image of a molecule that does something different when it gets in the body. I don't know what causes it with ibuprofen.
(I don't use Vivarin anymore at all. It caused terrible drug interactions and side effects during the ephedra contamination incident, where I got several different herbal oils on many of my belongings. As in, life-threatening problems. I was using it partly because I have chronic fatigue. The chronic fatigue was partly caused by St. John's Wort, which causes sleepiness, but also, it was environmental illness caused by something in this house - the mold, which has been here for several years now. For a long time, I knew about black mold, but it was only in the past few months that I started to think mold might be causing my health problems. I didn't believe it was able to put so much of a fume into the air. So anyway, the tiredness from the mold is one reason I was using Vivarin.)
I also notice that I can't use the name brand ibuprofen pills - I wake up with my arms trembling the next morning - I get the shakes. The name brand version also gives me a really weird feeling in my head. But I can tolerate the generic version of ibuprofen. There is something different about those two pills, but I don't know what it is.
It could be reagents in excess, or it could be isomers. Isomers are different versions of the same molecule, sometimes a mirror image of a molecule that does something different when it gets in the body. I don't know what causes it with ibuprofen.
Reagent In Excess Contaminating Synthetic Vitamins?
Okay, Blogger isn't that bad, really. It doesn't suck. I wouldn't normally say blogger sucks - that's not the kind of thing I say.
"So vitamin A may be synthesized from acetone, and vitamin C from keto acid. " (http://www.madehow.com/Volume-3/Vitamin.html)
have you ever heard of a 'limiting reagent' in chemistry class?
when you mix chemicals together, ONE of the chemicals will get completely used up. that is the limiting reagent.
in the chemical reaction, the chemicals bond with each other in a certain ratio, like two hydrogen molecules for every one oxygen molecule.
but since you can't count out the EXACT number of molecules you need, there will always be a few unreacted molecules of something left over. you won't ever start with exactly 200 hydrogen molecules for every 100 oxygen molecules. you'd more likely have 250 hydrogens and 103 oxygens, or something. in that case, all the oxygens would get used up, and there would be hydrogen left over.
i've been reading about the hazards of synthetic vitamins. a lot of the arguments talk about things that i think are IRRELEVANT. they argue about whether or not the digestive system is able to absorb artificial vitamins as well as it can absorb natural ones. i don't care if you can absorb them or not. i want to know what they do to you AFTER THEY GET ABSORBED. i also want to know if they're identical to natural ones, and also, i want to know if synthetic vitamins DON'T HAVE anything new and different that shouldn't be there. such as... unused chemical reagents.
if you have a complex chemical reaction with a whole bunch of different reagents, not just two (like hydrogen and oxygen), then you might use up the limiting reagent, and then have six or seven things left, which might partially combine with each other to form new compounds which then contaminate the final result. or you might have some original reagents that haven't reacted at all. (okay, i found it: it's called the 'reagent in excess.')
so if artificial vitamin A is synthesized from acetone, you could be eating leftover acetone when you eat synthetic vitamin A. vitamin A is said to be one of the more dangerous synthetic vitamins. now, i don't know if acetone would evaporate - i seem to recall that it's volatile and it becomes a gas or vapor - i don't know enough about it to be sure if it could remain in the final product. but even if it wasn't acetone, there could still be SOMETHING left, and you won't know what it is.
the MOST DANGEROUS reagent ought to be the limiting reagent. the safest reagents ought to become the remaining contaminants. you also have to check that they're not reacting with each other to form something you don't want.
but i wouldn't bother with that - i would just argue that you should avoid synthetic vitamins.
i wish i could find the article that i read which said that nasal allergies - sneezing, runny nose - were triggered by using synthetic vitamins. i used to eat breakfast cereal, and i don't anymore. the cereals are all full of synthetic vitamins. i recently (within the past two years or so) bought a box of breakfast cereal and ate it over a couple of weeks, and immediately i started having a runny nose and sneezing and allergies. they went away right after i finished the box of breakfast cereal.
i've also been reading that synthetic vitamins are associated with autism. i don't know the details: for instance, a healthy adult isn't going to suddenly become autistic by using them, but maybe a pregnant mother increases the chance of having an autistic child if she is using synthetic vitamins.
this is part of the 'placebo effect is a myth' blog that i haven't written yet, but... superstitious beliefs are necessary and helpful. it's okay to have some superstitious beliefs. why do i say that? because superstitions are a 'work in progress' as people struggle to understand a phenomenon they observe. you see something, you don't know HOW it happens, and you try to do something about it.
if you notice that you vaccinated your child, the child developed a high fever afterwards and was screaming for three days, and never spoke another word to you again, and developed lifelong autism, you can't explain HOW the vaccine caused the autism. and a thousand articles proving that 'thimerosal has nothing to do with autism' are useless to you, because you still saw that SOMETHING HAPPENED when you vaccinated your child. maybe it wasn't the thimerosal, maybe it was something else.
if you see something happen, and it seems to be caused by one thing, you don't always know the exact details of what caused it. maybe you cured a wart on your hand by going out in the woods, and saying a prayer while the moon was full. so you do that again, and it cures another wart, and you start telling everybody this is a good wart cure.
but it turns out that actually, the place where you sat in the woods is full of some herb that cures warts, and you didn't know that you were sitting in a field of this medicinal plant and it's the reason. you can effectively cure warts by going there, but it has nothing to do with the moon or the prayer, and yet, you can still cure the wart by doing those (harmless but irrelevant) actions over and over again, as long as you do it exactly the same way you did it the first time, in the same location. if a superstition is harmless, don't worry about it. sometimes it's connected with a real cure, but just misinterpreted somehow.
vaccines, and synthetic vitamins, might be like that. i don't know the exact details of HOW they harm the body, but a lot of people are observing that they do. if you can't explain how it works, then people accuse you of falling for the placebo effect.
but what else was the cause of this problem... you vaccinated your child, and he/she never functioned normally again afterwards? starting right in that moment? functioning perfectly well up until that day, and then afterwards, obviously sick and autistic?
(sorry, i'm in a bad mood: i've been sick all night and couldn't eat anything. this is why i'm obsessed with nutrition and sickness right now.)
anyway, ALL 'SCIENTIFIC' OBSERVATIONS begin with one person using their eyes and their senses to observe and experience something - even if it's the 'scientist' reading the numbers on an electronic screen after testing something. he still has to trust his eyes to read the numbers correctly, and still has to trust his brain to interpret them.
so why are the scientist's eyes better than my own? if i see something, why is MY observation 'the placebo effect?' i see that something makes me sick - that's a 'scientific test.' i do the 'test' (eat the particular food in question, such as fruit juice) and i notice that after a day of drinking a bunch of fruit juice, i can't sleep well, i can't sit still, i can't relax. (that happened when i drank a whole bunch of serving-size boxes of lemonade that all had 100% vitamin C in them. i had insomnia for several days, and i also got a rash all over my whole body. i think it was a vitamin C overdose that one time.)
couldn't i say that the scientist experienced 'the placebo effect' whenever his eyes read the numbers on the scientific instrument that he was using? he only BELIEVED he was reading those numbers. in fact, it could have been a 'group delusion,' where a whole room full of scientists mistakenly believed they were reading a particular number on their scientific instruments being used to do some test.
the placebo effect is a myth. i still want to write about it sometime.
i have to get ready for work today and this is supposed to be my day off, and i haven't eaten anything, and i am in a very bad mood.
"So vitamin A may be synthesized from acetone, and vitamin C from keto acid. " (http://www.madehow.com/Volume-3/Vitamin.html)
have you ever heard of a 'limiting reagent' in chemistry class?
when you mix chemicals together, ONE of the chemicals will get completely used up. that is the limiting reagent.
in the chemical reaction, the chemicals bond with each other in a certain ratio, like two hydrogen molecules for every one oxygen molecule.
but since you can't count out the EXACT number of molecules you need, there will always be a few unreacted molecules of something left over. you won't ever start with exactly 200 hydrogen molecules for every 100 oxygen molecules. you'd more likely have 250 hydrogens and 103 oxygens, or something. in that case, all the oxygens would get used up, and there would be hydrogen left over.
i've been reading about the hazards of synthetic vitamins. a lot of the arguments talk about things that i think are IRRELEVANT. they argue about whether or not the digestive system is able to absorb artificial vitamins as well as it can absorb natural ones. i don't care if you can absorb them or not. i want to know what they do to you AFTER THEY GET ABSORBED. i also want to know if they're identical to natural ones, and also, i want to know if synthetic vitamins DON'T HAVE anything new and different that shouldn't be there. such as... unused chemical reagents.
if you have a complex chemical reaction with a whole bunch of different reagents, not just two (like hydrogen and oxygen), then you might use up the limiting reagent, and then have six or seven things left, which might partially combine with each other to form new compounds which then contaminate the final result. or you might have some original reagents that haven't reacted at all. (okay, i found it: it's called the 'reagent in excess.')
so if artificial vitamin A is synthesized from acetone, you could be eating leftover acetone when you eat synthetic vitamin A. vitamin A is said to be one of the more dangerous synthetic vitamins. now, i don't know if acetone would evaporate - i seem to recall that it's volatile and it becomes a gas or vapor - i don't know enough about it to be sure if it could remain in the final product. but even if it wasn't acetone, there could still be SOMETHING left, and you won't know what it is.
the MOST DANGEROUS reagent ought to be the limiting reagent. the safest reagents ought to become the remaining contaminants. you also have to check that they're not reacting with each other to form something you don't want.
but i wouldn't bother with that - i would just argue that you should avoid synthetic vitamins.
i wish i could find the article that i read which said that nasal allergies - sneezing, runny nose - were triggered by using synthetic vitamins. i used to eat breakfast cereal, and i don't anymore. the cereals are all full of synthetic vitamins. i recently (within the past two years or so) bought a box of breakfast cereal and ate it over a couple of weeks, and immediately i started having a runny nose and sneezing and allergies. they went away right after i finished the box of breakfast cereal.
i've also been reading that synthetic vitamins are associated with autism. i don't know the details: for instance, a healthy adult isn't going to suddenly become autistic by using them, but maybe a pregnant mother increases the chance of having an autistic child if she is using synthetic vitamins.
this is part of the 'placebo effect is a myth' blog that i haven't written yet, but... superstitious beliefs are necessary and helpful. it's okay to have some superstitious beliefs. why do i say that? because superstitions are a 'work in progress' as people struggle to understand a phenomenon they observe. you see something, you don't know HOW it happens, and you try to do something about it.
if you notice that you vaccinated your child, the child developed a high fever afterwards and was screaming for three days, and never spoke another word to you again, and developed lifelong autism, you can't explain HOW the vaccine caused the autism. and a thousand articles proving that 'thimerosal has nothing to do with autism' are useless to you, because you still saw that SOMETHING HAPPENED when you vaccinated your child. maybe it wasn't the thimerosal, maybe it was something else.
if you see something happen, and it seems to be caused by one thing, you don't always know the exact details of what caused it. maybe you cured a wart on your hand by going out in the woods, and saying a prayer while the moon was full. so you do that again, and it cures another wart, and you start telling everybody this is a good wart cure.
but it turns out that actually, the place where you sat in the woods is full of some herb that cures warts, and you didn't know that you were sitting in a field of this medicinal plant and it's the reason. you can effectively cure warts by going there, but it has nothing to do with the moon or the prayer, and yet, you can still cure the wart by doing those (harmless but irrelevant) actions over and over again, as long as you do it exactly the same way you did it the first time, in the same location. if a superstition is harmless, don't worry about it. sometimes it's connected with a real cure, but just misinterpreted somehow.
vaccines, and synthetic vitamins, might be like that. i don't know the exact details of HOW they harm the body, but a lot of people are observing that they do. if you can't explain how it works, then people accuse you of falling for the placebo effect.
but what else was the cause of this problem... you vaccinated your child, and he/she never functioned normally again afterwards? starting right in that moment? functioning perfectly well up until that day, and then afterwards, obviously sick and autistic?
(sorry, i'm in a bad mood: i've been sick all night and couldn't eat anything. this is why i'm obsessed with nutrition and sickness right now.)
anyway, ALL 'SCIENTIFIC' OBSERVATIONS begin with one person using their eyes and their senses to observe and experience something - even if it's the 'scientist' reading the numbers on an electronic screen after testing something. he still has to trust his eyes to read the numbers correctly, and still has to trust his brain to interpret them.
so why are the scientist's eyes better than my own? if i see something, why is MY observation 'the placebo effect?' i see that something makes me sick - that's a 'scientific test.' i do the 'test' (eat the particular food in question, such as fruit juice) and i notice that after a day of drinking a bunch of fruit juice, i can't sleep well, i can't sit still, i can't relax. (that happened when i drank a whole bunch of serving-size boxes of lemonade that all had 100% vitamin C in them. i had insomnia for several days, and i also got a rash all over my whole body. i think it was a vitamin C overdose that one time.)
couldn't i say that the scientist experienced 'the placebo effect' whenever his eyes read the numbers on the scientific instrument that he was using? he only BELIEVED he was reading those numbers. in fact, it could have been a 'group delusion,' where a whole room full of scientists mistakenly believed they were reading a particular number on their scientific instruments being used to do some test.
the placebo effect is a myth. i still want to write about it sometime.
i have to get ready for work today and this is supposed to be my day off, and i haven't eaten anything, and i am in a very bad mood.
Blogger is giving me some crap about the number of characters in my labels
i don't remember that ever happening before. i tried to put tags on that blog and it wanted me to stop at 200 characters. i posted it, then had to edit a typo, and when i re-posted it, it gave me that message again, even though i had fixed the labels the first time. so i had to re-fix the number of characters in the labels.
wordpress doesn't care how many tags you put on.
grr.
wordpress doesn't care how many tags you put on.
grr.
Donating Plasma Might Permanently Damage Your Digestive System
(Update: 8-29-2018. This sickness happened years ago, and I am mostly better now. I wrote this post in 2009 I think it says, and the actual incident happened in maybe 1998? 1999? The original title of this post, "permanently damage," is misleading - whatever it did, I have *mostly* recovered from, but it does something that can last for many months. I don't know if it's the heparin that they inject into you along with your blood cells, or something else. This is one of my most popular posts, and a lot of other people are having the same problem. It was so long ago I don't remember exactly what I did, but it eventually went away. If I recall, probiotics helped, but I don't normally advocate probiotics either - I feel that there should be something you can do that doesn't involve buying pills. The only reason I say "mostly better" instead of "100% better" is because I still have a slightly sensitive stomach and can't just casually wolf down as much food as I want. Maybe there was liver damage? I don't know. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome and don't know exactly what caused that either.)
I was reading about how vaccinations can lead to permanent infections in the gastrointestinal tract. These infections were shown to be the same strain of viruses that were in the vaccines. The body could not fight off the 'weakened' or 'killed' viruses in the vaccines, and instead, the viruses were alive and well, but ended up permanently infecting the intestines and negatively affecting how people absorb food, for a very long time, possibly the rest of their lives.
Well, while reading, I remembered something that was similar to this, but not the same. When I sold plasma, many years ago... (oh my gosh, I just remembered something else. Holy crap.)
I lived in a house with several roommates. I learned about selling plasma when one of my roommates told me he was doing it. (I am still in shock from what I just remembered. This is very, very serious.) I decided that I would try selling plasma too.
Well, I stopped doing it after an incident where they had trouble putting the needle into the right place because of my 'small veins,' and they injected the blood cells into the muscle of my arm instead of the vein. But I was glad that I stopped, because I realized I was having health problems while donating the plasma.
First, I had the ordinary and well-known problem of dizziness and faintness. I almost passed out when I went to work one day. But I also began having severe sensations of burning in my stomach, and was becoming nauseated and sick every day. I had never had stomach ulcers before, but this felt like stomach ulcers.
When I stopped donating plasma, the 'ulcers' feeling went away and the nausea did too.
Here is the thing I suddenly remembered while typing this blog. I remembered that my roommate, the one who sold his plasma, ALSO HAD severe stomach problems. He was a very picky eater, and he told me that he would vomit if he ate meat, and he became a vegetarian. I don't know how long he had been having that problem, and I'm very tempted to say that it was caused by donating plasma. However, he might have been that way before he ever donated. I didn't think to ask him about it, because back then, I didn't have this theory, and it wasn't important to me.
I don't know HOW you damage your stomach by donating plasma. It could be that you weaken your immune system, causing the stomach to become more vulnerable to infections with helicobacter pylori. Or it could do this in some other indirect way, maybe by reducing the amount of acid in your stomach. In my experience, every time I've taken an antacid pill, I quickly developed sensations of sharp, burning pain in my stomach afterwards, as though I was getting an ulcer. You should never try to reduce the amount of acid in your stomach, because acid protects you against infection with helicobacter pylori.
So again, I don't know how it happened, but I think I had stomach ulcers while donating plasma, and I remembered that my roommate also had severe and unusual intolerance to certain foods, and would vomit immediately after eating them. He told me it was meat. A year or two after donating plasma, that was when I developed the extremely severe and long-lasting digestive problem that made me unable to eat because I felt like I would vomit. It was mostly with fatty foods, or foods that had been cooked and reheated, or held on heat for too long.
I'm starting to think that any procedure that injects anything into your bloodstream is potentially able to cause long-term damage, and for some reason, it seems to target the digestive system. I could change my interpretation later on when I learn more. So, this includes all intravenous procedures: reinjection of blood cells and saline solution after plasma donation, dialysis, vaccinations, and all other intravenous injections of anything, including plain saline solution or sugars.
I would like to know more about this so that I can interpret it more clearly.
I was reading about how vaccinations can lead to permanent infections in the gastrointestinal tract. These infections were shown to be the same strain of viruses that were in the vaccines. The body could not fight off the 'weakened' or 'killed' viruses in the vaccines, and instead, the viruses were alive and well, but ended up permanently infecting the intestines and negatively affecting how people absorb food, for a very long time, possibly the rest of their lives.
Well, while reading, I remembered something that was similar to this, but not the same. When I sold plasma, many years ago... (oh my gosh, I just remembered something else. Holy crap.)
I lived in a house with several roommates. I learned about selling plasma when one of my roommates told me he was doing it. (I am still in shock from what I just remembered. This is very, very serious.) I decided that I would try selling plasma too.
Well, I stopped doing it after an incident where they had trouble putting the needle into the right place because of my 'small veins,' and they injected the blood cells into the muscle of my arm instead of the vein. But I was glad that I stopped, because I realized I was having health problems while donating the plasma.
First, I had the ordinary and well-known problem of dizziness and faintness. I almost passed out when I went to work one day. But I also began having severe sensations of burning in my stomach, and was becoming nauseated and sick every day. I had never had stomach ulcers before, but this felt like stomach ulcers.
When I stopped donating plasma, the 'ulcers' feeling went away and the nausea did too.
Here is the thing I suddenly remembered while typing this blog. I remembered that my roommate, the one who sold his plasma, ALSO HAD severe stomach problems. He was a very picky eater, and he told me that he would vomit if he ate meat, and he became a vegetarian. I don't know how long he had been having that problem, and I'm very tempted to say that it was caused by donating plasma. However, he might have been that way before he ever donated. I didn't think to ask him about it, because back then, I didn't have this theory, and it wasn't important to me.
I don't know HOW you damage your stomach by donating plasma. It could be that you weaken your immune system, causing the stomach to become more vulnerable to infections with helicobacter pylori. Or it could do this in some other indirect way, maybe by reducing the amount of acid in your stomach. In my experience, every time I've taken an antacid pill, I quickly developed sensations of sharp, burning pain in my stomach afterwards, as though I was getting an ulcer. You should never try to reduce the amount of acid in your stomach, because acid protects you against infection with helicobacter pylori.
So again, I don't know how it happened, but I think I had stomach ulcers while donating plasma, and I remembered that my roommate also had severe and unusual intolerance to certain foods, and would vomit immediately after eating them. He told me it was meat. A year or two after donating plasma, that was when I developed the extremely severe and long-lasting digestive problem that made me unable to eat because I felt like I would vomit. It was mostly with fatty foods, or foods that had been cooked and reheated, or held on heat for too long.
I'm starting to think that any procedure that injects anything into your bloodstream is potentially able to cause long-term damage, and for some reason, it seems to target the digestive system. I could change my interpretation later on when I learn more. So, this includes all intravenous procedures: reinjection of blood cells and saline solution after plasma donation, dialysis, vaccinations, and all other intravenous injections of anything, including plain saline solution or sugars.
I would like to know more about this so that I can interpret it more clearly.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
letter to martin; compulsive lying
i've mostly been blogging on my non-anonymous blog (see my 'about me' page) the past couple weeks. last night i gave cait a note to give to martin. it said very little, just asked if he was getting the emails and if it was ok for me to talk to him. i have been getting hit with voices since then, and all the voices are trying to anticipate and predict how martin will respond to this note. they're testing all the different interpretations that i have, such as 'martin is a jerk and he's hurting me deliberately,' 'martin is clueless and hasn't even looked at his emails and/or isn't getting them,' 'martin never reads my blog and has no idea what's going on in my life,' 'i have no relevance to his life whatsoever,' and a whole lot of other negative ideas. i would have stopped writing to him long ago except that i was being forced to wake up with some idea in my head that i had to say to him, and then, usually, they would put words into my mouth, and i would write the dictation word-for-word what they wanted me to say and how they wanted me to say it. they also gave me the theory that he thinks i'm a compulsive liar, and that i don't really hear voices, and i made the whole thing up just to get attention. total distrust and total rejection of my whole world and everything i experience. contempt for me and dismissal of me. i was reading a forum post on the dating website (you know what, this is my anonymous blog, and it's not directly connected with my name - so, i'm on plentyoffish.com, under "inner_silence", which represents the mind-state that i wish i could experience... warning, there is a photo that shows my 'unorthodox' grooming preferences). and somebody was describing how her former husband turned out to be a compulsive liar. i don't know if he was just lying about specific subjects, or if he was one of those extremely compulsive liars who lie spontaneously all the time about trivial things, like 'what color shirt was he wearing' and that sort of unimportant thing. anyway that got me thinking about the phenomenon of lying, and i googled it, and started thinking that martin might believe i'm lying about everything i ever said to him, and he dismissed all of it and ignored me for that reason.
i don't know how long i'll have to wait for a reply or if he will bother to write one. he wrote one the last time i gave him a handwritten note. however, the last note was when i was on st. john's wort, and when i'm on that drug, i am more suggestible, and they screw up my writing a lot more. and 'they' filled my writing with loads and loads of crap, wasted space, bad writing, unclear thinking, pedantic, etc - it ended up being two full pages front and back. that happens when i am trying to write while 'they' simultaneously force me to say all kinds of stuff.
so in his reply he said 'i read SOME of your note,' as though he hadn't even read the whole thing. so i made it like a couple sentences long this time.
it isolates someone when you just assume that everything they say is a lie, just to get attention. to them, your whole universe doesn't even exist.
well, i will just wait and see what he does.
i don't know how long i'll have to wait for a reply or if he will bother to write one. he wrote one the last time i gave him a handwritten note. however, the last note was when i was on st. john's wort, and when i'm on that drug, i am more suggestible, and they screw up my writing a lot more. and 'they' filled my writing with loads and loads of crap, wasted space, bad writing, unclear thinking, pedantic, etc - it ended up being two full pages front and back. that happens when i am trying to write while 'they' simultaneously force me to say all kinds of stuff.
so in his reply he said 'i read SOME of your note,' as though he hadn't even read the whole thing. so i made it like a couple sentences long this time.
it isolates someone when you just assume that everything they say is a lie, just to get attention. to them, your whole universe doesn't even exist.
well, i will just wait and see what he does.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I told her(2) that she(1) told me that he said...
I am asking a second person to help with the note delivery.
There is this feeling of nostalgic, idealized fantasy around this 'lost' person. When you meet someone, barely get to know them (in reality) at all, and then suddenly lose them, you get this image of what kind of person they were, and have feelings about stuff connected to them. But it's all based on vague impressions and fantasy. I remember I've had this happen before. Everything about the lost person seems more important and nothing is taken for granted. (Of course, I do have some limited, but real, info from the disappearing blog.)
I don't read this author anymore, but, when I was in high school, I picked up a book by Ann Tyler, called Breathing Lessons. I ended up reading all of her books. They make me feel depressed nowadays and I haven't read them in a very long time. The books make me feel like 'Everything is hopeless, and there's no escape, so you'd better just settle down and get used to it.'
But I wrote a research paper in high school about how she had a 'lost character' in almost every one of her books, with almost no exceptions. It was somebody who disappeared early on in the story before you got to know them. It affected all of the characters and shaped the whole plot of the story. So if you read Ann Tyler, you know that some very important character will disappear early in the book, or else they already did before the book began, and it affects everything, and the characters feel this loss.
The lost character gets this idealized fantasy and feeling of nostalgia where everything about the lost person seems wonderful, amazing, and important. In day to day life, people don't get exaggerated quite that much when you get to know them and see them all the time. It's kind of like saying we 'take people for granted' in real relationships. But, it's possible to have real relationships with people, get to know them, see them all the time, but still not end up taking them for granted. I don't want people to think that all relationships end up inevitably having somebody take someone for granted, because it doesn't have to be that way.
I'm able to tolerate watching sports on TV, and I actually am getting into it (that's on the rare occasions when I am near a TV and somebody else has it on sports), because of this person, and I never did that before. I think to myself, so-and-so would have liked this, so I'll pay attention. I was always anti-sports (unless it was a sport that I had done myself, or could imagine myself doing, like ice skating, dancing, or skiing... actually, maybe I don't mind sports that much after all). I mean other sports that I didn't watch in the past. Maybe I wasn't into team sports, and I just liked solitary things done by only one person.
Well, anyway, the handwritten note delivery system is getting a new helper, or at least, I've asked and am waiting for her to reply.
There is this feeling of nostalgic, idealized fantasy around this 'lost' person. When you meet someone, barely get to know them (in reality) at all, and then suddenly lose them, you get this image of what kind of person they were, and have feelings about stuff connected to them. But it's all based on vague impressions and fantasy. I remember I've had this happen before. Everything about the lost person seems more important and nothing is taken for granted. (Of course, I do have some limited, but real, info from the disappearing blog.)
I don't read this author anymore, but, when I was in high school, I picked up a book by Ann Tyler, called Breathing Lessons. I ended up reading all of her books. They make me feel depressed nowadays and I haven't read them in a very long time. The books make me feel like 'Everything is hopeless, and there's no escape, so you'd better just settle down and get used to it.'
But I wrote a research paper in high school about how she had a 'lost character' in almost every one of her books, with almost no exceptions. It was somebody who disappeared early on in the story before you got to know them. It affected all of the characters and shaped the whole plot of the story. So if you read Ann Tyler, you know that some very important character will disappear early in the book, or else they already did before the book began, and it affects everything, and the characters feel this loss.
The lost character gets this idealized fantasy and feeling of nostalgia where everything about the lost person seems wonderful, amazing, and important. In day to day life, people don't get exaggerated quite that much when you get to know them and see them all the time. It's kind of like saying we 'take people for granted' in real relationships. But, it's possible to have real relationships with people, get to know them, see them all the time, but still not end up taking them for granted. I don't want people to think that all relationships end up inevitably having somebody take someone for granted, because it doesn't have to be that way.
I'm able to tolerate watching sports on TV, and I actually am getting into it (that's on the rare occasions when I am near a TV and somebody else has it on sports), because of this person, and I never did that before. I think to myself, so-and-so would have liked this, so I'll pay attention. I was always anti-sports (unless it was a sport that I had done myself, or could imagine myself doing, like ice skating, dancing, or skiing... actually, maybe I don't mind sports that much after all). I mean other sports that I didn't watch in the past. Maybe I wasn't into team sports, and I just liked solitary things done by only one person.
Well, anyway, the handwritten note delivery system is getting a new helper, or at least, I've asked and am waiting for her to reply.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
today
i started reading choke, at barnes & noble, because it was actually there this time. when i went looking for it before, that book was missing. i looked at one of the other ones instead, invisible monsters, and i didn't like it because i couldn't stand the characters and couldn't get into it. but i was okay with choke and i read the first couple chapters before i left. it was more mellow than invisible monsters. after i get used to his writing style and get to 'trust' him i could probably go back and read invisible monsters some time in the future. i was enjoying choke. i just didn't stay to read the entire book. (when the air was so bad that i couldn't stay in my apartment two years ago, i spent a LOT of time at b&n, and i read the entire lemony snicket series of unfortunate events books.)
i went to b&n because i had to get out of the house, because it was a bad air day. (i didn't intend that pun until after it was written.) i told joe that the air was bad again, and he decided to fix it immediately. he actually came in and broke apart the shelf with a pair of plier-like things. the wood was weak and soft because it was just particle board. i took a photograph of the mold. he argued that 'the mold was from a long time ago' and it was 'all dried out by now.' i have argued that i've actually SEEN water dripping down onto the mold, recently, and i've seen the mold covered in a pool of water, and that's how it was when i opened the cabinet and nearly puked/passed out from the fumes and the smell.
he also removed a ceiling tile. the irony of the ceiling tile problem is: it didn't even occur to me that the ceiling tile could be moldy; but actually, that ceiling tile was stained brown because there is a sink above it, and a couple years ago, i used to live in that apartment above, and i complained to the landlord that the sink was leaking underneath, up in THAT apartment, and it was staining the wood in the cabinet with mold the same way this one was! but when i complained, he didn't do anything about it. he put some kind of wallpaper-like covering over top of it, instead of removing and replacing the wood. at least, that's what i remember. i would have to go look and see if my memory's correct, i think he put down a sheet of wallpaper or something. i could be mistaken. but i remember, he wasn't willing to remove it.
and now that i'm down below, i saw that it leaked through the floor and into the ceiling tile of this apartment - but it was recent, because the tile was fine when i first moved in. i noticed the stain appeared later on, and i never paid any attention to it, and wasn't thinking 'gee, that could be moldy too.' but HE thought of it, and he removed and replaced the ceiling tile. so i took a photo of that ceiling. he removed the tile, but the ceiling/floor above is still rotten and has cracks and a hole through it from above where the water soaked through from that sink. so i'm somewhat concerned that the actual floor, the big cracked area, might still be moldy, in a way that is huge and impossible and expensive to repair.
so i'm assuming that this is why he wants me to get out: he says that for whatever reason, everybody else can tolerate this, but i'm the only one who can't. he doesn't want to have to fix something so big and expensive, because yeah, it goes all the way through the floor above, and it is a really bad bunch of cracks and holes from water, and it HAS to be moldy.
and i wasn't even the one living in that apartment when the sink leaked badly enough to go all the way through the floor and into my ceiling. it was other people who made that sink leak THAT badly. so i can't say 'i did something wrong that made it leak.' i was thinking, maybe it's because i used a portable dishwasher, but, like i said, the ceiling tile got stained like that AFTER i was living DOWN HERE for a while, and it was other people living in the place above me. when i lived above, i had seen it staining the inside of the cabinet - just like the one in my kitchen now - but it hadn't gone all the way through, and when i moved down here, the ceiling tile was still white and wasn't all stained.
it bothers me when people give me a long list of every mistake and every misinterpretation i've ever made, long after i've changed my mind about that thing. joe listed every disaster that i've ever had while i lived here, and the conclusion was: you're crazy, something's wrong with you, you imagine problems that aren't there, and i can't deal with this anymore. meanwhile, a lot of the stuff he listed, i've long since changed my mind about. i no longer interpret some of the things the way he described them, because he still remembers my old interpretations, whereas i've learned a lot more since then.
the one example was that i complained to him, when i lived upstairs, that the downstairs guy was turning on the hot water every time i took a shower. i forgot all about that until he mentioned it. that was BEFORE i started getting attacked with radio frequency weapons. i had never HEARD of such things, had never read of such things, and i wasn't going around on the internet reading everyone else's experiences and 'getting ideas' about 'what could possibly happen.' it was all new and unexpected to me. i really was getting in the shower and then a minute later, i would hear the sound of the water running in the other apartment below, and feel the water pressure drop, and i would lose my hot water. i would actually hear the sound of it. i recognized the difference between a normal shower, versus a shower where somebody else starts running the water while you're in there, because i can hear the sound and feel the pressure drop. and it would drop A LOT, because that place had low pressure to begin with. as in, it was a major big deal if somebody messed around with the water pressure while i was in there, because it would come out as barely a trickle.
and i was trying to complain about it, and this was happening at the same time that the person was sending me emails with photographs of other women who looked exactly like me.
anyway, joe brought that up again, mentioning that 'i remember dan, he was a really nice guy, he would never do anything like that.' (turning on the water while i was in the shower.) well, there's where joe still remembers my OLD interpretation, and doesn't know that i've changed my mind since then. i used to believe that maybe dan was doing something maliciously, on purpose, to harass me, and that was my old interpretation. but i've decided that maybe dan really was a 'nice guy,' and he simply DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
there are two ways this can happen: 1. somebody completely blanks out and goes unconscious, and is forced to do something which they have no memory of later on - it's completely forgotten - that's only 'theoretical' to me because i don't know if i experience that (and if i did, how would i know?), or 2. somebody remains awake, is aware of what they're doing, remembers it, but has some rationale for why they had to turn the water on at that particular moment, and thinks it was a normal thing to do, and of course, wasn't intending to cause harassment, and wasn't intending to mess up my shower and take all the water away, and is sincerely innocent, because they were forced to do it.
for whatever reason, i'm not inclined to believe that people are being paid money to harass other people - i think the majority of them are puppets, and only a few are getting paid. yes, i could be wrong about that, but that is how i usually interpret things. i have to mention that i've read other people's blogs and they experience a lot more harassment than i do involving people who do things which are openly hostile and visible, such as walking past you, staring directly in your eyes in a threatening way, bumping into you, walking all the way across an empty street to get right next to you and bump you whenever there's plenty of room, etc. that stuff hasn't happened to me.
(although, in the beginning, i had people driving their cars into the oncoming lane straight towards me on a two-lane no-passing zone road, several times. and another TI mentioned that he himself had been forced to lose control of his driving and go the wrong way on a one-way street directly into traffic. it sounds too awful to believe, but i believe it. and while that hasn't happened to me - and i don't want it to happen - i do recall that i was 'getting lost' really badly, going the exact opposite of where i wanted to go, and not just once, but over and over and over again, in spite of my looking at a map, and i felt confused and disoriented, and when i tried looking at the map, i got zapped really badly and my attention shifted every time i looked at it. so yeah, i think that people are forced to lose control and to go into the opposing lane of traffic, without intending to.)
but i usually interpret my own harassment as 'puppets' because i found out that you can control people without implanting any chips in them. chips aren't needed. so if you can control a person remotely, with no implants, then you can control any random person at any time, a normal person who doesn't call themselves a 'targeted individual' or doesn't interpret themselves as being under 'mind control.' and i've experienced the puppet phenomenon myself. i've said cruel and insulting things to people that "I" would never have chosen to say, on 'random impulse,' and then regretted it immediately when i saw the look on their face, and i could see that it was an out-of-character thing for me to say. or i've told people things about themselves, as though i knew 'secret information' about them, when in fact i had no understanding of the significance of what i was saying, or how they would hear it, or what it would mean to them - it's usually rationalized as 'i was just joking' or 'i was talking about something else, not that.' and the comments usually have a certain theme or style to them which is consistent and recognizable.
well, anyway... the landlord brought up the old interpretation: 'dan was a malicious guy deliberately turning on the water so that i had no water pressure upstairs,' and then explaining how ridiculous that was. and i've changed my mind about that since then, but he hasn't kept up with all the things i've gradually learned and reinterpreted and the things i've experienced. and he was using that example to argue that all of my beliefs and experiences were wrong and insane and impossible.
then he suggested that i call my mom and discuss it with her. i did, later on. her advice was that i should see a psychiatrist and do trial-and-error with some other new drugs that i haven't tried before. i tried prozac and decided never to use psychiatric prescription drugs ever again. i'm using one of the most well-known herbal antidepressants, st. john's wort, that everybody descibes as 'very mild' and 'well tolerated by most people,' yet i still have to use a very miniscule dosage of that, or i have problems. and i can get that FOR FREE instead of paying hundreds of dollars for a prescription. i paid a trivial amount of money to buy the seeds to grow in my pot; and then, later on, i learned to identify the wild-growing varieties, which i can find pretty easily now. the only argument that i have AGAINST sjw is that it has some unwanted side effects: it changes the way your body metabolizes other chemicals, and it can cause you to sleep too much. (usually, when that happens, i wake up feeling refreshed and glad to have slept a lot.)
i talked with mom a long time and she was using the phrase 'chemical imbalance' to describe what's wrong with my delusional brain. you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to believe stuff is happening, when it isn't really happening. when i hear the phrase 'chemical imbalance' i have to just change those words into meaningless noise. we have meaningless words, 'bzzzt bzzzt.' you have a bzzt bzzzt in your brain that causes you to bzzzt bzzzt. it's like Mad Libs. fill in the blank with any noun/verb you want. you have a zebra in your brain that causes you to ballet dance. the words 'chemical imbalance' don't mean anything.
i grew up with a dad who was a radiologist, and a mom who used to be a nurse. (yes, they met while they were in medical school.) my mom worked in a mental hospital for a while. so she knows all about those phrases and concepts like 'delusional' and 'chemical imbalance.' and they believe in 'the placebo effect.' (i've kept promising that someday i was going to write a blog about how the entire IDEA of 'the placebo effect' is totally wrong, a superstition, and i haven't gotten around to writing it. the placebo effect belief system is almost completely wrong all the way to the core - it doesn't exist. there is no such thing as the placebo effect. there IS something that happens in reality, but it's totally different - it's a completely different phenomenon - than the way that people USUALLY use that phrase. usually it means, 'you're experiencing the placebo effect; therefore, all you need to do is talk yourself out of it, convince yourself it's not real, and the problem will magically go away! yippee! you're cured of your hypochondria!' if only it were that easy. i can't start talking about it, or i'll write that really long paragraph in parentheses, and i won't know how to end the parentheses and start a new paragraph so it will be readable, and i'll have to write multiple paragraphs with a new set of parentheses around them. it's a whole huge subject of its own.)
anyway, she threw all of the typical things at me, the stuff that i can go read on the 'official government-sanctioned websites' about 'delusions.' you have to get them on the right medications, which may take some trial and error, and it's hard work, and it won't happen overnight, blah blah, but eventually with the right medications, you can be cured. (and, please note, we were merely discussing the rather mundane problem of 'something in the house is making me sick.' we weren't even discussing anything all that controversial! i wasn't talking about 'hearing voices' or anything else which is usually considered delusional. yet just because i insisted 'something is making me sick,' she decided i was delusional, that i had 'convinced myself' that this or that was making me sick, when it really wasn't. so, i guess she believes nothing is wrong with me at all, and that if only i talked myself out of it, i could magically convince myself to leap out of bed, healthy and full of energy, able to do whatever i want, if only i can out-argue my 'delusional belief system' by using logic.)
it was inevitable: she also had to bring up the 'you're reading stuff on the internet instead of reading reliable sources' argument. i told her that yes, i DO get my information from the internet, and i'm PROUD of that. i told her that i get anecdotes from other people who experience similar things to what i'm experiencing. i told her that i also go to 'official' websites where scientific studies have been done, and the studies directly contradict each other and can't agree on things. one official scientific study says one thing, and another official scientific study says the exact opposite, and they're both on the same official, scientific websites. (vaccines don't cause autism VERSUS vaccines DO cause autism.)
i go to a lot of different websites for my research, and i've been using the internet for research for quite a few years now, and it helped me think of theories and possibilities far beyond anything that a doctor would tell you. doctors don't even bother to ask you 'what are you eating?' whenever you go to them complaining that your stomach is so sick that you can't swallow anything and you're starving to death for six months. (that happened to me in 1999 when the chronic illnesses began. NOBODY bothered to ask: what are you eating? not one! i went to a couple different doctors telling them i had a stomach problem! NOT ONE of them made me write a list of everything i was eating and drinking! i eventually started the feingold diet, and removed a few things i had been eating, and my stomach got much better very quickly, without drugs - without Prilosec. Prilosec was the first response to 'i have a stomach problem...' 'okay, try some prilosec.')
i told her that i might have been more open to the idea of prescription drugs, except that the very first one i ever tried was prozac, and it was so horrible that i went and read about psychiatric drugs afterwards, and i learned that yes, they cause impotence/anorgasmia, and yes, they cause suicide and homicide, and shooting into groups of strangers at the mall or at a school, and jumping out of a moving car, and the voices in your head get CLEARER instead of going away! when i was on prozac, i could clearly hear every word the voices were saying! usually, i hear static and noise, like a badly tuned radio, and the voices are quiet, like the volume is turned down low. on prozac, the volume was turned up and the tuning was perfect. the voices had perfect audio quality when i was on prozac. so i am not going to believe anybody who tells me that drugs will make the voices and the delusions get cured. and nobody is going to convince me that the drugs are 'safe' if only you 'find the right one' at the 'right dosage' after some 'trial and error.' after what i experienced, i hear the phrase 'trial and error' and i think, 'yeah, you can change the dosage of the drugs AFTER they go into the mall and shoot ten people and then shoot themselves. that's trial and error.'
in health class, back in school, we learned about illegal drugs. we were warned about drugs like PCP, for instance. they said that PCP was so horrible, it made people think they could fly, and they would jump out of windows thinking they wouldn't get hurt. and it made them extremely strong, so that when they fought and struggled, they could hurt people really badly. my experience of prozac was about like that. i knew immediately that it was very dangerous and very wrong, and i had enough common sense to stop using it. but some people lose control too quickly, and they don't even get the chance to say, 'gee, something's wrong with me, it must be this drug!' they don't get enough of a chance to realize that, and by then, it's too late, they've gone out and killed a bunch of people. i haven't ever used PCP, and i haven't used all the different types of legal, prescription, psychiatric drugs that exist, but i would say that they do something similar to PCP, which is illegal. they make you feel so strong, and so numb, that you have no fear, and you don't care about anything or anybody, and you have no emotions, and nothing matters to you, but at the same time, you have endless energy and can do whatever you want, and also, you're so uncomfortable that you can't sit still, and you have to do something. they call that 'akathisia,' if i'm spelling that correctly.
so i am not going to play around with the 'trial and error' method of finding out which drug doesn't make me anorgasmic and which drug doesn't make me go out and kill people. if i do trial and error with anything, i don't mind the process of using trial and error to figure out which environmental chemicals are making me sick, or which foods are better or worse for me. that type of trial and error is much safer.
(today, at barnes & noble, something made me happy. there was a highly visible book, displayed on the shelf with other books about ADHD and autism, and i forget what the name was, i think it was called 'healthy eating for autism' or 'eating right with autism' or something, it was a white book with a boy on the front, and some fruits and vegetables below him - it was relatively non-technical sounding. i picked it up, just out of curiosity, and it turned out that i thought it was a really great book, and i agreed with it. it was very well-written and the doctor mentioned all of the things that i just described, where NOBODY asks you the question 'what are you eating?' and doesn't connect anything to nutrition or foods at all - it's unthinkable to imagine that foods can affect what your brain is doing.)
i talked to her about something which i've been thinking lately. actually, i've known about this for a long time. the idea is: lots and lots of people experience chronic fatigue, except that usually, they don't have the words to describe it, and they don't call it 'chronic fatigue.' or 'chemical sensitivity.' they think that they way they feel is normal. i said, this is what's going on whenever somebody sits in front of the television for ten hours a day. somebody else might look at them, and say 'you watch too much tv. that's bad for you. you have TV addiction!' they might think the person is addicted to watching tv. well, maybe you can be addicted to it, i agree, to some extent. but when somebody is watching ten hours a day, and doing nothing but that, THEY *PROBABLY* HAVE CHRONIC FATIGUE. they just don't know the words to describe it. whenever you feel healthy, alert, and energetic, you get a natural desire to do something else besides sit on a couch all day long. if you sit on the couch all day long, it's probably because you're physically sick, but you don't know it.
i said this also applies to extreme alcoholics. everyone thinks that the alcohol is causing that person's health problems. but when somebody is a severe alcoholic, and all they do is drink alcohol, all day every day, and they don't even eat food, they just get all their calories from alcohol, and they sit around at home all day sleeping or passed out - everyone will look at them and blame the alcohol for it, and not go any further than that. however, if that person STOPPED using the alcohol, they would notice, 'gee, without alcohol, i feel tired and miserable ALL THE TIME. i must be... addicted to alcohol!' but no, they have a chronic illness of some kind. something causing chronic fatigue, or constant pain, or chronic stomach sickness. it's a pain and discomfort that they are trying to treat by using alcohol. the alcohol makes them feel better, because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEIR HEALTH TO BEGIN WITH. nobody goes that far into the troubleshooting. i'm not referring to social drinkers and i'm not saying that everybody who drinks alcohol has a chronic illness. i'm referring to the people who are obviously severe alcoholics, and drink all day every day, alone, at home, and aren't even eating much food.
so i was telling her: other people have chronic illnesses too, and it's something vague that they don't know how to describe. other 'normal' people don't use the words 'chronic fatigue' and 'chemical sensitivity' to describe what they're experiencing. they don't diagnose it at all, and many of them don't even realize that it isn't normal to sit for ten hours a day in front of the tv set. so i was trying to explain to her that it isn't unusual or rare or extreme what i am experiencing. it's just that people either don't talk about it, or don't use the same words.
well... that was the day. nothing got decided for sure yet... the under-sink shelf got ripped out and i took a couple photographs.
i don't necessarily WANT to stay in this apartment forever - in fact, i want to go someplace better in the long run, and i am gradually forming plans and thinking of my preferences. but buying a piece of land is a huge decision and i am not hurrying. it may be a very long time before i choose a place and own it myself, permanently, or join a community if that's what i decide to do. i am not staying here forever, but also, it's not easy to just move out of here right this instant, especially when i'm sick and everything takes forever to do. so the decision hasn't been settled... and if i do move out, i will have to live in another temporary type of place, some other apartment. and i'm concerned that the environmental illness could be just as bad in the new place, and i don't know what to expect. i'm going to assume that yes, i have to leave, but i'm not actually DOING anything about it just yet. and i'll see if i feel better with the moldy shelf removed, and the ceiling tile.
i went to b&n because i had to get out of the house, because it was a bad air day. (i didn't intend that pun until after it was written.) i told joe that the air was bad again, and he decided to fix it immediately. he actually came in and broke apart the shelf with a pair of plier-like things. the wood was weak and soft because it was just particle board. i took a photograph of the mold. he argued that 'the mold was from a long time ago' and it was 'all dried out by now.' i have argued that i've actually SEEN water dripping down onto the mold, recently, and i've seen the mold covered in a pool of water, and that's how it was when i opened the cabinet and nearly puked/passed out from the fumes and the smell.
he also removed a ceiling tile. the irony of the ceiling tile problem is: it didn't even occur to me that the ceiling tile could be moldy; but actually, that ceiling tile was stained brown because there is a sink above it, and a couple years ago, i used to live in that apartment above, and i complained to the landlord that the sink was leaking underneath, up in THAT apartment, and it was staining the wood in the cabinet with mold the same way this one was! but when i complained, he didn't do anything about it. he put some kind of wallpaper-like covering over top of it, instead of removing and replacing the wood. at least, that's what i remember. i would have to go look and see if my memory's correct, i think he put down a sheet of wallpaper or something. i could be mistaken. but i remember, he wasn't willing to remove it.
and now that i'm down below, i saw that it leaked through the floor and into the ceiling tile of this apartment - but it was recent, because the tile was fine when i first moved in. i noticed the stain appeared later on, and i never paid any attention to it, and wasn't thinking 'gee, that could be moldy too.' but HE thought of it, and he removed and replaced the ceiling tile. so i took a photo of that ceiling. he removed the tile, but the ceiling/floor above is still rotten and has cracks and a hole through it from above where the water soaked through from that sink. so i'm somewhat concerned that the actual floor, the big cracked area, might still be moldy, in a way that is huge and impossible and expensive to repair.
so i'm assuming that this is why he wants me to get out: he says that for whatever reason, everybody else can tolerate this, but i'm the only one who can't. he doesn't want to have to fix something so big and expensive, because yeah, it goes all the way through the floor above, and it is a really bad bunch of cracks and holes from water, and it HAS to be moldy.
and i wasn't even the one living in that apartment when the sink leaked badly enough to go all the way through the floor and into my ceiling. it was other people who made that sink leak THAT badly. so i can't say 'i did something wrong that made it leak.' i was thinking, maybe it's because i used a portable dishwasher, but, like i said, the ceiling tile got stained like that AFTER i was living DOWN HERE for a while, and it was other people living in the place above me. when i lived above, i had seen it staining the inside of the cabinet - just like the one in my kitchen now - but it hadn't gone all the way through, and when i moved down here, the ceiling tile was still white and wasn't all stained.
it bothers me when people give me a long list of every mistake and every misinterpretation i've ever made, long after i've changed my mind about that thing. joe listed every disaster that i've ever had while i lived here, and the conclusion was: you're crazy, something's wrong with you, you imagine problems that aren't there, and i can't deal with this anymore. meanwhile, a lot of the stuff he listed, i've long since changed my mind about. i no longer interpret some of the things the way he described them, because he still remembers my old interpretations, whereas i've learned a lot more since then.
the one example was that i complained to him, when i lived upstairs, that the downstairs guy was turning on the hot water every time i took a shower. i forgot all about that until he mentioned it. that was BEFORE i started getting attacked with radio frequency weapons. i had never HEARD of such things, had never read of such things, and i wasn't going around on the internet reading everyone else's experiences and 'getting ideas' about 'what could possibly happen.' it was all new and unexpected to me. i really was getting in the shower and then a minute later, i would hear the sound of the water running in the other apartment below, and feel the water pressure drop, and i would lose my hot water. i would actually hear the sound of it. i recognized the difference between a normal shower, versus a shower where somebody else starts running the water while you're in there, because i can hear the sound and feel the pressure drop. and it would drop A LOT, because that place had low pressure to begin with. as in, it was a major big deal if somebody messed around with the water pressure while i was in there, because it would come out as barely a trickle.
and i was trying to complain about it, and this was happening at the same time that the person was sending me emails with photographs of other women who looked exactly like me.
anyway, joe brought that up again, mentioning that 'i remember dan, he was a really nice guy, he would never do anything like that.' (turning on the water while i was in the shower.) well, there's where joe still remembers my OLD interpretation, and doesn't know that i've changed my mind since then. i used to believe that maybe dan was doing something maliciously, on purpose, to harass me, and that was my old interpretation. but i've decided that maybe dan really was a 'nice guy,' and he simply DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
there are two ways this can happen: 1. somebody completely blanks out and goes unconscious, and is forced to do something which they have no memory of later on - it's completely forgotten - that's only 'theoretical' to me because i don't know if i experience that (and if i did, how would i know?), or 2. somebody remains awake, is aware of what they're doing, remembers it, but has some rationale for why they had to turn the water on at that particular moment, and thinks it was a normal thing to do, and of course, wasn't intending to cause harassment, and wasn't intending to mess up my shower and take all the water away, and is sincerely innocent, because they were forced to do it.
for whatever reason, i'm not inclined to believe that people are being paid money to harass other people - i think the majority of them are puppets, and only a few are getting paid. yes, i could be wrong about that, but that is how i usually interpret things. i have to mention that i've read other people's blogs and they experience a lot more harassment than i do involving people who do things which are openly hostile and visible, such as walking past you, staring directly in your eyes in a threatening way, bumping into you, walking all the way across an empty street to get right next to you and bump you whenever there's plenty of room, etc. that stuff hasn't happened to me.
(although, in the beginning, i had people driving their cars into the oncoming lane straight towards me on a two-lane no-passing zone road, several times. and another TI mentioned that he himself had been forced to lose control of his driving and go the wrong way on a one-way street directly into traffic. it sounds too awful to believe, but i believe it. and while that hasn't happened to me - and i don't want it to happen - i do recall that i was 'getting lost' really badly, going the exact opposite of where i wanted to go, and not just once, but over and over and over again, in spite of my looking at a map, and i felt confused and disoriented, and when i tried looking at the map, i got zapped really badly and my attention shifted every time i looked at it. so yeah, i think that people are forced to lose control and to go into the opposing lane of traffic, without intending to.)
but i usually interpret my own harassment as 'puppets' because i found out that you can control people without implanting any chips in them. chips aren't needed. so if you can control a person remotely, with no implants, then you can control any random person at any time, a normal person who doesn't call themselves a 'targeted individual' or doesn't interpret themselves as being under 'mind control.' and i've experienced the puppet phenomenon myself. i've said cruel and insulting things to people that "I" would never have chosen to say, on 'random impulse,' and then regretted it immediately when i saw the look on their face, and i could see that it was an out-of-character thing for me to say. or i've told people things about themselves, as though i knew 'secret information' about them, when in fact i had no understanding of the significance of what i was saying, or how they would hear it, or what it would mean to them - it's usually rationalized as 'i was just joking' or 'i was talking about something else, not that.' and the comments usually have a certain theme or style to them which is consistent and recognizable.
well, anyway... the landlord brought up the old interpretation: 'dan was a malicious guy deliberately turning on the water so that i had no water pressure upstairs,' and then explaining how ridiculous that was. and i've changed my mind about that since then, but he hasn't kept up with all the things i've gradually learned and reinterpreted and the things i've experienced. and he was using that example to argue that all of my beliefs and experiences were wrong and insane and impossible.
then he suggested that i call my mom and discuss it with her. i did, later on. her advice was that i should see a psychiatrist and do trial-and-error with some other new drugs that i haven't tried before. i tried prozac and decided never to use psychiatric prescription drugs ever again. i'm using one of the most well-known herbal antidepressants, st. john's wort, that everybody descibes as 'very mild' and 'well tolerated by most people,' yet i still have to use a very miniscule dosage of that, or i have problems. and i can get that FOR FREE instead of paying hundreds of dollars for a prescription. i paid a trivial amount of money to buy the seeds to grow in my pot; and then, later on, i learned to identify the wild-growing varieties, which i can find pretty easily now. the only argument that i have AGAINST sjw is that it has some unwanted side effects: it changes the way your body metabolizes other chemicals, and it can cause you to sleep too much. (usually, when that happens, i wake up feeling refreshed and glad to have slept a lot.)
i talked with mom a long time and she was using the phrase 'chemical imbalance' to describe what's wrong with my delusional brain. you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to believe stuff is happening, when it isn't really happening. when i hear the phrase 'chemical imbalance' i have to just change those words into meaningless noise. we have meaningless words, 'bzzzt bzzzt.' you have a bzzt bzzzt in your brain that causes you to bzzzt bzzzt. it's like Mad Libs. fill in the blank with any noun/verb you want. you have a zebra in your brain that causes you to ballet dance. the words 'chemical imbalance' don't mean anything.
i grew up with a dad who was a radiologist, and a mom who used to be a nurse. (yes, they met while they were in medical school.) my mom worked in a mental hospital for a while. so she knows all about those phrases and concepts like 'delusional' and 'chemical imbalance.' and they believe in 'the placebo effect.' (i've kept promising that someday i was going to write a blog about how the entire IDEA of 'the placebo effect' is totally wrong, a superstition, and i haven't gotten around to writing it. the placebo effect belief system is almost completely wrong all the way to the core - it doesn't exist. there is no such thing as the placebo effect. there IS something that happens in reality, but it's totally different - it's a completely different phenomenon - than the way that people USUALLY use that phrase. usually it means, 'you're experiencing the placebo effect; therefore, all you need to do is talk yourself out of it, convince yourself it's not real, and the problem will magically go away! yippee! you're cured of your hypochondria!' if only it were that easy. i can't start talking about it, or i'll write that really long paragraph in parentheses, and i won't know how to end the parentheses and start a new paragraph so it will be readable, and i'll have to write multiple paragraphs with a new set of parentheses around them. it's a whole huge subject of its own.)
anyway, she threw all of the typical things at me, the stuff that i can go read on the 'official government-sanctioned websites' about 'delusions.' you have to get them on the right medications, which may take some trial and error, and it's hard work, and it won't happen overnight, blah blah, but eventually with the right medications, you can be cured. (and, please note, we were merely discussing the rather mundane problem of 'something in the house is making me sick.' we weren't even discussing anything all that controversial! i wasn't talking about 'hearing voices' or anything else which is usually considered delusional. yet just because i insisted 'something is making me sick,' she decided i was delusional, that i had 'convinced myself' that this or that was making me sick, when it really wasn't. so, i guess she believes nothing is wrong with me at all, and that if only i talked myself out of it, i could magically convince myself to leap out of bed, healthy and full of energy, able to do whatever i want, if only i can out-argue my 'delusional belief system' by using logic.)
it was inevitable: she also had to bring up the 'you're reading stuff on the internet instead of reading reliable sources' argument. i told her that yes, i DO get my information from the internet, and i'm PROUD of that. i told her that i get anecdotes from other people who experience similar things to what i'm experiencing. i told her that i also go to 'official' websites where scientific studies have been done, and the studies directly contradict each other and can't agree on things. one official scientific study says one thing, and another official scientific study says the exact opposite, and they're both on the same official, scientific websites. (vaccines don't cause autism VERSUS vaccines DO cause autism.)
i go to a lot of different websites for my research, and i've been using the internet for research for quite a few years now, and it helped me think of theories and possibilities far beyond anything that a doctor would tell you. doctors don't even bother to ask you 'what are you eating?' whenever you go to them complaining that your stomach is so sick that you can't swallow anything and you're starving to death for six months. (that happened to me in 1999 when the chronic illnesses began. NOBODY bothered to ask: what are you eating? not one! i went to a couple different doctors telling them i had a stomach problem! NOT ONE of them made me write a list of everything i was eating and drinking! i eventually started the feingold diet, and removed a few things i had been eating, and my stomach got much better very quickly, without drugs - without Prilosec. Prilosec was the first response to 'i have a stomach problem...' 'okay, try some prilosec.')
i told her that i might have been more open to the idea of prescription drugs, except that the very first one i ever tried was prozac, and it was so horrible that i went and read about psychiatric drugs afterwards, and i learned that yes, they cause impotence/anorgasmia, and yes, they cause suicide and homicide, and shooting into groups of strangers at the mall or at a school, and jumping out of a moving car, and the voices in your head get CLEARER instead of going away! when i was on prozac, i could clearly hear every word the voices were saying! usually, i hear static and noise, like a badly tuned radio, and the voices are quiet, like the volume is turned down low. on prozac, the volume was turned up and the tuning was perfect. the voices had perfect audio quality when i was on prozac. so i am not going to believe anybody who tells me that drugs will make the voices and the delusions get cured. and nobody is going to convince me that the drugs are 'safe' if only you 'find the right one' at the 'right dosage' after some 'trial and error.' after what i experienced, i hear the phrase 'trial and error' and i think, 'yeah, you can change the dosage of the drugs AFTER they go into the mall and shoot ten people and then shoot themselves. that's trial and error.'
in health class, back in school, we learned about illegal drugs. we were warned about drugs like PCP, for instance. they said that PCP was so horrible, it made people think they could fly, and they would jump out of windows thinking they wouldn't get hurt. and it made them extremely strong, so that when they fought and struggled, they could hurt people really badly. my experience of prozac was about like that. i knew immediately that it was very dangerous and very wrong, and i had enough common sense to stop using it. but some people lose control too quickly, and they don't even get the chance to say, 'gee, something's wrong with me, it must be this drug!' they don't get enough of a chance to realize that, and by then, it's too late, they've gone out and killed a bunch of people. i haven't ever used PCP, and i haven't used all the different types of legal, prescription, psychiatric drugs that exist, but i would say that they do something similar to PCP, which is illegal. they make you feel so strong, and so numb, that you have no fear, and you don't care about anything or anybody, and you have no emotions, and nothing matters to you, but at the same time, you have endless energy and can do whatever you want, and also, you're so uncomfortable that you can't sit still, and you have to do something. they call that 'akathisia,' if i'm spelling that correctly.
so i am not going to play around with the 'trial and error' method of finding out which drug doesn't make me anorgasmic and which drug doesn't make me go out and kill people. if i do trial and error with anything, i don't mind the process of using trial and error to figure out which environmental chemicals are making me sick, or which foods are better or worse for me. that type of trial and error is much safer.
(today, at barnes & noble, something made me happy. there was a highly visible book, displayed on the shelf with other books about ADHD and autism, and i forget what the name was, i think it was called 'healthy eating for autism' or 'eating right with autism' or something, it was a white book with a boy on the front, and some fruits and vegetables below him - it was relatively non-technical sounding. i picked it up, just out of curiosity, and it turned out that i thought it was a really great book, and i agreed with it. it was very well-written and the doctor mentioned all of the things that i just described, where NOBODY asks you the question 'what are you eating?' and doesn't connect anything to nutrition or foods at all - it's unthinkable to imagine that foods can affect what your brain is doing.)
i talked to her about something which i've been thinking lately. actually, i've known about this for a long time. the idea is: lots and lots of people experience chronic fatigue, except that usually, they don't have the words to describe it, and they don't call it 'chronic fatigue.' or 'chemical sensitivity.' they think that they way they feel is normal. i said, this is what's going on whenever somebody sits in front of the television for ten hours a day. somebody else might look at them, and say 'you watch too much tv. that's bad for you. you have TV addiction!' they might think the person is addicted to watching tv. well, maybe you can be addicted to it, i agree, to some extent. but when somebody is watching ten hours a day, and doing nothing but that, THEY *PROBABLY* HAVE CHRONIC FATIGUE. they just don't know the words to describe it. whenever you feel healthy, alert, and energetic, you get a natural desire to do something else besides sit on a couch all day long. if you sit on the couch all day long, it's probably because you're physically sick, but you don't know it.
i said this also applies to extreme alcoholics. everyone thinks that the alcohol is causing that person's health problems. but when somebody is a severe alcoholic, and all they do is drink alcohol, all day every day, and they don't even eat food, they just get all their calories from alcohol, and they sit around at home all day sleeping or passed out - everyone will look at them and blame the alcohol for it, and not go any further than that. however, if that person STOPPED using the alcohol, they would notice, 'gee, without alcohol, i feel tired and miserable ALL THE TIME. i must be... addicted to alcohol!' but no, they have a chronic illness of some kind. something causing chronic fatigue, or constant pain, or chronic stomach sickness. it's a pain and discomfort that they are trying to treat by using alcohol. the alcohol makes them feel better, because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEIR HEALTH TO BEGIN WITH. nobody goes that far into the troubleshooting. i'm not referring to social drinkers and i'm not saying that everybody who drinks alcohol has a chronic illness. i'm referring to the people who are obviously severe alcoholics, and drink all day every day, alone, at home, and aren't even eating much food.
so i was telling her: other people have chronic illnesses too, and it's something vague that they don't know how to describe. other 'normal' people don't use the words 'chronic fatigue' and 'chemical sensitivity' to describe what they're experiencing. they don't diagnose it at all, and many of them don't even realize that it isn't normal to sit for ten hours a day in front of the tv set. so i was trying to explain to her that it isn't unusual or rare or extreme what i am experiencing. it's just that people either don't talk about it, or don't use the same words.
well... that was the day. nothing got decided for sure yet... the under-sink shelf got ripped out and i took a couple photographs.
i don't necessarily WANT to stay in this apartment forever - in fact, i want to go someplace better in the long run, and i am gradually forming plans and thinking of my preferences. but buying a piece of land is a huge decision and i am not hurrying. it may be a very long time before i choose a place and own it myself, permanently, or join a community if that's what i decide to do. i am not staying here forever, but also, it's not easy to just move out of here right this instant, especially when i'm sick and everything takes forever to do. so the decision hasn't been settled... and if i do move out, i will have to live in another temporary type of place, some other apartment. and i'm concerned that the environmental illness could be just as bad in the new place, and i don't know what to expect. i'm going to assume that yes, i have to leave, but i'm not actually DOING anything about it just yet. and i'll see if i feel better with the moldy shelf removed, and the ceiling tile.
Betta goes to new home
The fish went to his new caretaker today. I went out a little before 1:00 to meet her at the place we had planned, a little convenience store. I recognized her car right away as I pulled up, and I made eye contact with her and smiled.
I had put him back into the original container that Peter had given to me. It was the small plastic container with a hole in the top, the kind they're in when you buy them at the store. When I poured him into it, he was scared and he started swimming quickly around in circles with agitation. It seemed like he could see his reflection faintly in the plastic edges and he wasn't sure if it was another fish. Plus, he was being moved and sloshed around.
I started crying and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" again and again. But I can't be the one to keep him, because I really don't want a betta fish, or any fish at all, unless I can keep them someplace where they are almost self-reliant, like an outdoor pool where cold-tolerant fish could eat insects that landed in the water. Not tropical fish that would die in a few minutes from the Pennsylvania winter. (Hmm, question, how do fish get oxygen whenever their ponds freeze over? I guess ponds usually have some streams flowing into them, so certain areas would have fresh water that was always moving.)
So I set his bowl on top of my dumpster-salvaged cardboard boxes, and grabbed it every time I stopped at a stop light, because it slid forward and almost hit the dashboard. He had to be traumatized by yet another car trip, with all the noise and vibrating and splashing around. It's kind of funny and sad at the same time.
When I got out of the car, she got out of her car, and we said hi and I showed him to her. She looked at him and we talked about how his fins had some kind of fin rot or fungus. She said she was going to Petco to find out what kind of medicine they might recommend. I told her that I trusted her judgment, and she could do whatever she thought was appropriate to treat him. I gave her my frozen brine shrimp.
I mentioned to her, actually twice, that I had started crying whenever I was getting him ready to leave. This was something instinctive and automatic that I did, unconsciously, without thinking. I noticed her reactions when I said I had been crying. Was she thinking, "Oh please. You can't be crying over a fish."? I wanted to make sure that she was sympathetic enough to understand that the fish is a living creature with feelings, and we don't just carelessly give them away to someone without a thought about their welfare. Was she going to be callous to the fish and just dump it from one bowl to another without worrying that it could get hurt? Would she just put it into another really small betta vase and not bother to feed it or clean the bowl? Would she do a "Finding Nemo" Darla impression and shake it around and say "WAKE UP FISHY! WAKE UP!!!"
So I decided that she was relatively understanding, although there was a small amount of "ridiculous to cry over a fish," just a tiny bit, that I wasn't sure of. She was calm and behaved normally - I could tell there probably wouldn't be any "WAKE UP FISHYYYY!" incidents. Nothing that bad.
So, I wasn't looking for perfection - I decided this would be good enough, and I gave him away.
I think that she might not do every single thing that I wish someone would do, but at the same time, he will have a clean bowl and he will be fed and kept warm.
She said she'd email me in a month or so to let me know how he's doing, if his fins are getting better, if he's still alive, etc. If she forgets, I could email her. But I do feel better, because now he's being taken care of by somebody who actually WANTS a betta fish.
I had put him back into the original container that Peter had given to me. It was the small plastic container with a hole in the top, the kind they're in when you buy them at the store. When I poured him into it, he was scared and he started swimming quickly around in circles with agitation. It seemed like he could see his reflection faintly in the plastic edges and he wasn't sure if it was another fish. Plus, he was being moved and sloshed around.
I started crying and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" again and again. But I can't be the one to keep him, because I really don't want a betta fish, or any fish at all, unless I can keep them someplace where they are almost self-reliant, like an outdoor pool where cold-tolerant fish could eat insects that landed in the water. Not tropical fish that would die in a few minutes from the Pennsylvania winter. (Hmm, question, how do fish get oxygen whenever their ponds freeze over? I guess ponds usually have some streams flowing into them, so certain areas would have fresh water that was always moving.)
So I set his bowl on top of my dumpster-salvaged cardboard boxes, and grabbed it every time I stopped at a stop light, because it slid forward and almost hit the dashboard. He had to be traumatized by yet another car trip, with all the noise and vibrating and splashing around. It's kind of funny and sad at the same time.
When I got out of the car, she got out of her car, and we said hi and I showed him to her. She looked at him and we talked about how his fins had some kind of fin rot or fungus. She said she was going to Petco to find out what kind of medicine they might recommend. I told her that I trusted her judgment, and she could do whatever she thought was appropriate to treat him. I gave her my frozen brine shrimp.
I mentioned to her, actually twice, that I had started crying whenever I was getting him ready to leave. This was something instinctive and automatic that I did, unconsciously, without thinking. I noticed her reactions when I said I had been crying. Was she thinking, "Oh please. You can't be crying over a fish."? I wanted to make sure that she was sympathetic enough to understand that the fish is a living creature with feelings, and we don't just carelessly give them away to someone without a thought about their welfare. Was she going to be callous to the fish and just dump it from one bowl to another without worrying that it could get hurt? Would she just put it into another really small betta vase and not bother to feed it or clean the bowl? Would she do a "Finding Nemo" Darla impression and shake it around and say "WAKE UP FISHY! WAKE UP!!!"
So I decided that she was relatively understanding, although there was a small amount of "ridiculous to cry over a fish," just a tiny bit, that I wasn't sure of. She was calm and behaved normally - I could tell there probably wouldn't be any "WAKE UP FISHYYYY!" incidents. Nothing that bad.
So, I wasn't looking for perfection - I decided this would be good enough, and I gave him away.
I think that she might not do every single thing that I wish someone would do, but at the same time, he will have a clean bowl and he will be fed and kept warm.
She said she'd email me in a month or so to let me know how he's doing, if his fins are getting better, if he's still alive, etc. If she forgets, I could email her. But I do feel better, because now he's being taken care of by somebody who actually WANTS a betta fish.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Very long and negative blog... Mind control, SJW, other unpleasant subjects
Well, this is going to be a very long entry. I know it's not easy to read the very long entries, and they're something I put up mainly to make myself feel better. People can just skim through and get a general idea. I write because I am soothed by the activity of typing on a computer. That's different from when I'm writing intentionally for some purpose or for some particular audience.
Yesterday afternoon I visited my outdoor pot of St. John's Wort - it was actually AFTER I wrote all the blog entries earlier in the day. The plant was brown and dried out, but I was able to inhale a small amount by just breathing near it. I have found that I'm able to get a useful dosage from very small amounts of the vapor that the plant emits.
I felt that it was necessary to use it because I have to deal with something bad that is going on. It makes me more able to focus mentally and more able to do certain kinds of work, anything challenging or unusual or non-routine. But it turns me into a puppet, so that I write word-for-word things that I am being forced to say.
The thing going on is that my landlord doesn't want me to renew my lease, because of how I had to have the windows open in the middle of winter. He told me that he is tired of having one disaster after another, every year, having to do with me, and it's always something new and unexpected. He wants my lease to just expire, but he's not just evicting me right this instant. So the lease expires in July, I think it is, but also, I have to get the apartment ready to show to people much earlier than that.
I found out a couple weeks ago that there is mold on a wooden shelf under the sink, and whenever I use the sink at all, the mold somehow gets wet and starts to smell. And yes, it is BLACK mold. So I ended up showing it to my landlord and we tried to figure out how the water was dripping onto the mold. It might be preventable, based on what we saw. However, he's not convinced that just getting rid of the moldy shelf will be enough to prevent another unforeseen disaster of some kind, and he is sick of dealing with my disasters.
I had seen that after I used the dishwasher, the water had leaked down onto the mold, and gotten it 'activated' again and it smelled awful. And I opened up that cabinet door, and the moldy smell came out, and I almost threw up and almost passed out. I was then stumbling and uncoordinated, could not walk straight, and almost fell. It is extremely toxic and it makes me so sick that I'm convinced that is what was affecting me all winter. It gets really bad in the winter because the windows are closed. In the summer, if it happens, the windows are open and I don't notice it as badly, although I'm still affected by it.
So I still have a couple days to discuss this with my landlord and decide whether or not I insist on renewing my lease. I think removing the moldy shelf will help, along with putting something waterproof down in there so that further dripping won't create moldy wood. However, I can't reassure him that there will be no disaster of any kind next winter. The disasters are unpredictable.
Well, that is what's going on with the landlord and my apartment.
Whenever I use sjw, I describe it as making me into a 'puppet.' That means that I feel as though I lose almost all control of what I say, and I say (or write) whatever they are forcing me to say. In phone conversations, I just don't HAVE anything to say, and I don't enjoy phone conversations. But they force me to fill in the blank spaces with something, so I will say things that I think are pointless small talk.
I don't talk about these phenomena much while I am off sjw. My mental phenomena aren't understood or experienced by ANYONE I know, except other online bloggers who talk about the same subject. But when I am on sjw the puppet phenomenon is so noticeable that I have to write about it and, if I can, apologize for not being myself.
I already know what my family and most of my friends think about the voices phenomena. They interpret the voices as being a symptom of an illness or psychological problem. I know a couple other people who interpret the voices (and other attacks) as being something psychic, paranormal, or supernatural, where the voices are caused by spirits, or wherever psychic voices come from, and I experience them because I'm psychic. Whereas I interpret them as being the result of a living, external, human attacker using a weapon or system on me - and I don't know the technical details of the system being used to do it.
A couple reasons why I usually don't talk about it. It's true, I experience voices, and various kinds of attacks, EVERY DAY without exception. But I only talk about it sometimes. I don't want friends and family to worry about me, to be anxious that something is wrong. I don't want them to feel helpless - there's nothing they can do about it. It hurts them to hear about a bad thing that they can't fix, over and over again, something awful that won't go away.
I don't like having to argue and explain about something that I already know is true. It's the feeling that arguing isn't getting anything useful done. I already know what needs to be done: I need to find safe locations and/or build a shield that works. I trust my own observations, and I trust the technical information that I have read, and I know that these attacks are, as I said, a living human (or several) using something technological. It gets irritating and frustrating to try to argue with people who cannot be convinced of it.
Also, I worry because it is extremely traumatic whenever you finally conclude that electronic mind reading and mind control is real and that it's happening to everyone every day. I survived that traumatic experience, but I really don't WANT to successfully convince my friends and family to agree with me! I don't want them going through the same thing I went through whenever I accepted that interpretation. I don't have any recommendations for what to DO about it, because I've wanted to work on designing and building effective shields, for a long time now, and I can't do it because of the chaos of my life, the constant illnesses and disasters, the job losses, etc. So I don't have any suggestions for how people can protect themselves whenever they accept that the attacks are technological.
So I usually avoid upsetting people, and upsetting myself in an argument about a subject where 1. I doubt that the other person in the discussion will ever change their mind and agree with me, and 2. IT WOULD BE A BAD THING IF THEY DID! I don't WANT to force other people to experience what I experience, and in a way I'm HAPPY if they continue to disagree with me. It means they're not experiencing it!
Also, there was a piece of advice that I followed from a book that I read years ago. I used to try meditating, and I was reading a book called 'How To Meditate' by Lawrence Leshan. I gave up on meditating - I started noticing that I would experience a painful electrical shock sensation over my whole body at the stroke of ten minutes, if I assigned myself to meditate for ten minutes. In other words I couldn't just freely meditate for longer than I had planned, or try something else afterwards, but instead got a painful zap that awakened me suddenly. And nowadays, I can meditate for about three seconds before getting the electrical shock, and/or a voice in my head. So I no longer try to meditate unless I am very sick and in conflict with the voices and I have to meditate in order to endure the passage of time while I try to sleep. This is usually if I get an accidental drug exposure from the contamination in the house (one of the other subjects that I don't argue about with people anymore).
Well, this book said that if you start meditating, you might start to have more frequent 'psychic' experiences. These are incidents where you accurately think of a piece of secret information that you couldn't know, or accurately predict something that does, in fact, happen. Or other psychic phenomena. The author said that he advised his students to NOT brag about being psychic, and not brag about the incidents when they happened ("I'm more psychic than you are" "I predicted you would say that") because it became competitive, and competing to be the 'most psychic person' was a distraction from the real purpose of meditating, which was self-knowledge and self-improvement. People would get a sense of superiority from being psychic and knowing more things than other people knew. He advised his students, instead, to just accept those incidents when they happened. You see it, you can't help noticing 'Hey, I heard the phrase "orange shoes", and fifteen seconds later, a guy wearing bright orange shoes walked in the room!' You can't help noticing those things when they happen, but he said to just accept it, and ignore it if you can, and don't brag or boast about how psychic you are, and how you have a 'power' that other people don't have.
And also, I avoid telling every detail of what I experience every day, because then the person attacking me says, 'Hey! I'm famous!' and does something else to get attention.
I don't experience these phenomena as a 'power.' That was something that I argued through in the beginning, in the early years, when it was most difficult and I was adjusting to it. I can't CHOOSE what information I would like to look at! For instance, of course, I attempted to 'psychically remote view' information that would answer the question: At the physical level, of atoms and molecules and electromagnetic phenomena and all that, HOW DO PSYCHIC EVENTS HAPPEN? Of course, I wasn't able to get that answer in detail. I got a lot of stuff that I disagreed with, though. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get psychic answers to the questions that I really wanted to know. So I decided that the word 'power' does not describe psychic phenomena. You get whatever 'the voices' decide to give you. You don't get to go out and search for whatever you want to know.
I also saw (on the internet, reading the web pages of fellow sufferers) that sometimes people who experience electronic attacks still do interpret themselves as having psychic power, in addition to being the target of electronic attacks. I had a couple things happen in that interpretation. First, it felt to me like an illusion of power. You feel powerless, so you convince yourself that there's at least SOMETHING you can do about being attacked. The other thing that happened to me personally was that I would get artificial images and fantasies where I attacked a person psychically, who was EXCITED about the fact that I attacked them. They found it either hilarious or exciting, and they encouraged me to think about attacking them, and then would give me dreams at night about how I was attacking them. It seemed like a false illusion of power when in fact you can't do anything, and it seemed like a way of entertaining them, and of course, it didn't get any results. The desired result was that if you psychically attacked them, they would die or get scared away, permanently, and never do anything to you again. That never worked! They were always there again the next day.
So I liked the interpretation that it was electronic. The material that I read about electronic weapons DID attempt to describe in detail how it works. It seemed like that was the right direction for me to go, the interpretation that felt right, because it focused on answering questions about how stuff happens at the molecular level. That's what I wanted to know about. If it's God, if it's supernatural, if it's psychic, if it's paranormal, if it's ghosts and spirits, I STILL want to answer the question: how does it work? And the only way to answer that was to read the technology-oriented material. And if you understand the physical phenomena of how it works, that's the most direct way to know what to do about it. (There are other aspects of the problem, the forensic work of finding out WHO is attacking you, where the attacks come from, why they're doing it, etc, and that involves understanding criminal psychology in addition to just knowing the technical information.)
And, strangely enough, my best-loved piece of software of all time - it's underpriced, they should charge $1000 instead of the $400 or $500 that they actually charge. This software, Propellerheads Reason, a music-writing software - I found it by accident in the early part of this decade, somewhere like 2001 or so. You get to fiddle with knobs and dials, and listen to how it changes the sound, on a simulated electronic synthesizer. Because of my experience playing with Reason, I can actually understand the meaning of words like 'modulator' and 'carrier' whenever I read them in the technical-engineering descriptions of how it works when somebody puts voices in your head. I can almost imagine how two different waves add up to a new wave that sounds like a voice. So Reason - something I love - actually helped me to understand something I hate.
The other 'psychic power' argument says that if you obey the voices, follow their suggestions, you'll benefit from it. They tell you things you need to know. Therefore it's a 'power.' I was angered by that idea right away. Obedience is power? What if you don't WANT to do what the voices tell you? What if you really, really want to do something different, but the voices tell you to do something else? And if you go against them, bad things will happen to you? That doesn't seem like power to me. The power to do what somebody tells you to do! Sure, there are lots of situations where, if you obey what someone tells you to do, you'll get material rewards. That doesn't mean you have 'power' because you are doing what somebody tells you to do.
Plus, whenever the attacks really became noticeable, in 2003, it wasn't at all pleasant or helpful. Occasionally they told me secret pieces of information that I couldn't have known, which would later turn out to be true. But most of the time, it was nightmares about handling fecal material, or having somebody zap me and try to make me throw up, or zapping me awake at 3:00 AM, or hearing voices that said disgusting things or meaningless nonsense that I couldn't understand. Those weren't pleasant or helpful experiences, so I disagreed about any 'psychic power' interpretations from the very beginning. It definitely wasn't a power. If it WAS 'psychic,' it was a curse, not a power.
But in order to FIX the problem, I wanted to understand the atomic/molecular/physical details of HOW IT HAPPENS. I read some occasional things about what happens if somebody has an evil spirit and needs to get rid of it - in fact, Judith Swack's treatment took that approach - I still, to this day, don't know for sure whether Judith Swack was involved in the events that began to happen at that time. But part of her therapy was an attempt to chase away evil spirits by using prayers and verbal statements. At the time she was treating me, I actually DIDN'T HAVE the phenomena which started up AFTER she treated me. I was only having problems with computer hackers back then, not voices - or rather, I wasn't consciously aware of the voices, and they didn't do extremely destructive/torturing/abusive things like they did later on. So anyway it wasn't good enough to just try to chase away evil spirits using prayers/chants etc. I wanted to understand 'What IS an evil spirit then? What is it made of? What devices can record and observe it? How does an evil spirit WORK, at the level of "one molecule bumps into another molecule"?'
Judith Swack said a couple of suspicious things during our phone therapy when this began. I was trying to explain to her that somebody was hacking my computer and harassing me. I'm not sure if this had happened yet, but around that time, somebody was also spying on my window, and then sending me emails with pictures of a similar-looking woman, standing in the same position, doing the same thing I was doing, but it wasn't an actual picture of me. So I was trying to explain this to Judith Swack.
Her reaction was unusual. She acted like she knew right away that this was something significant, but she didn't talk to me about it. She got excited and said something like 'So you're one of them? But you're able to communicate a lot more clearly than most of them!' She was very excited, because I had good, clear communication skills. She said that most of the time, they weren't able to communicate what they were experiencing, very well. 'They' were a category of people, implied by Judith, but I didn't know what category, or what significance it was to her. Anybody who fits into the category of 'Somebody is spying on/harassing me,' but isn't healthy enough to communicate clearly about it.
After that, she attempted to use techniques to get me to 'reveal my secret,' especially if it was a family secret, a secret where my life might be threatened if I revealed it. But I wasn't hiding anything. I'm guessing that the 'secret' she wanted me to reveal was that she wanted me to admit that my family 'knew about' electronic mind control and was actually using the devices, with conscious knowledge. Since that wasn't true, I wasn't hiding any secrets and we didn't get anywhere trying to use techniques to get me to reveal them. I revealed a couple of irrelevant things, attempted to reveal whatever I could, but those things, to me, weren't necessarily secrets, or things that somebody might kill me for if I told about them. They were just various unpleasant things from my life history.
By the way, I wrote about this some time ago, last year, and I have noticed that I do feel different without the metallic dental filling. Back then I had more of a bitter, cynical anger, more often, because the dental filling made me feel sick - I don't think it's ONLY the mercury, I am sure that the COPPER in the filling is bad for you too. Everything I have read about metallic copper convinced me of that. Everything I've experienced - touching wet copper pennies with my hand, or the time when I pinned my hair up using copper hairpins while my hair was wet - showed me that copper makes me feel really, really sick and strange and unable to think clearly. Copper is pretty safe when it's dry, but when it's wet, it will go through the skin, and if it's in your mouth, you're swallowing it all the time. Anyway, I remember how I was writing about these 'mental phenomena' last year and I had more of a tendency to feel bitter and angry while writing. Although, that problem hasn't completely gone away - I still write with lots of endless, bitter anger whenever I feel sick for any reason at all.
(And yes, I'm still having a problem with the resin composite fillings that I have now, but that is another story. I intend to remove the plastic fillings, and replace them with nothing, leaving empty cavities, before I get pregnant. The plastic fillings have given me chronic breast pain - exactly the same type of breast pain I had while I was using a plastic retainer in my mouth after my braces were taken off, when I was a teenager. It's gotten less severe over time, but it is still there. So I don't want it affecting the future pregnancy. Every time you see a news article about the dangers of plastics and the dangers of bisphenol-A, it seems to be taboo to mention that the WORST OFFENDER in this category is PLASTIC DENTAL FILLINGS, which are never even MENTIONED in the articles! They mention things like plastic bottles that we drink out of, but those are NOWHERE NEAR as harmful as plastic dental fillings which cannot be removed from your mouth.)
(There is a taboo on the subject of plastic dental fillings being bad for you, because, as I noticed, there are no safe alternatives at all. Every type of filling is dangerous, and you're best off just not using any dental fillings at all, unless they are a temporary material like wax. I read that wax could possibly be used, but I think it would probably hold germs underneath it, and I haven't tried it. Anyway, there's a taboo on resin composite fillings, because nobody knows what to do about them. It would mean that every filling, of every kind, no matter what kind, had to be removed. I include porcelain fillings as bad, too, because they are glued down, and the glue is bad for you. The porcelain material itself might be okay. They used to use ivory, and ivory would be okay, but I don't know how it was glued in place. And there are limits on what you can do in a situation where someone's whole mouth full of teeth is all falling apart, every single tooth, which does happen - that person would simply lose all of their teeth and have nothing left. Anyway the point of mentioning this subject is that I feel differently than I did back then, last summer, partly because the metal dental filling is gone from my mouth - I feel that my mood towards other people has changed a lot. There are other reasons, too - reaching out to try to make more friends has been helpful, and learning about community.)
I had to look over this long entry again. Psychic power, Judith Swack, dental fillings, community, electronic devices, what's happening at the molecular level... What else was I going to talk about?
Maybe I could post it, and if I wanted to write more, it could be a separate post.
Oh, one thing I wanted to mention. I kept promising that I was going to give a note to somebody. Last weekend was three extremely bad days in a row. We were extremely busy because of a sale that was going on and I had to make more pizzas than usual, and it also just seemed busier than usual for whatever reasons. All three days I was very stressed out and rushed.
I saw the person who I would have given the note to, but she was there only briefly, and I felt too rushed/stressed/preoccupied to calm down and get the courage to go approach her, because this problem is painful and humiliating, and I don't know her very well, so it takes a lot of courage and resolve to go up to her, even though I told her ahead of time that I was going to give her this note.
Also, I still have a very negative feeling about the whole thing, which is that I don't know the truth of what he is doing and experiencing, or why. I would not have chosen of my own free will to waste my time writing letters to a person who stopped answering - that was DEFINITELY a forced phenomenon which went on for many months and months and months. I would wake up in the morning, hypnotized, with some thought in my mind that I was supposed to try to tell him, and would write a letter to him, only to be ignored. I do not waste time with people who refuse to answer my letters - IN THE REAL WORLD. I did that because I was being forced to do it. However, I need to know whether somebody really is interfering with my email, because technically, it is easy for a malicious person to do that. If somebody prevented either my letters, or his letters, from reaching the recipient, I need to know that, because then either he or I were getting our feelings hurt, thinking the other person wasn't answering, when in fact they were. I need to know if he was voluntarily refusing to answer (in which case, I don't waste my time with him) or whether the emails were being interfered with. However, this little problem: HE KNOWS that I won't waste my time with him if I know for sure that he's VOLUNTARILY ignoring the letters, on purpose, in order to hurt me. (That's not the only interpretation. There are other reasons why someone can become unable to talk or is too afraid to confront someone.)
Whenever I get into this type of thought pattern, it's the "I know that he knows that I know that he knows..." thought pattern, called 'second guessing,' where you make decisions based on assumptions about the other person and what knowledge they have, and then you might start to do something, but change your mind about it, etc - I don't like to think that way. I usually bypass that whole thought process whenever it starts to happen. I lose patience with it. It is a duty or obligation that I have, where if I said that I am going to give a letter, then I have to. And yes, I do still hear voices telling me things about him. And yes, I am still being influenced by them. But I agree with them whenever they try to influence me to do what I said I would do, regardless of how I interpret the situation.
I had a sort of decision about this whole thing: even if he sadistically ignores people to make them suffer, and laughs at them while he reads their emails, and I'm not the only person he's doing it to, and there are dozens of other people who are unknowingly doing the same thing, trying to reach him while he deliberately ignores them - which was what the other guy was doing when this happened the first time, in 2000, and I was, again, forced to continue writing emails to him - even if that whole interpretation were true, it wouldn't matter. (To make a long story short, I eventually had a third party go look at that guy's emails and prove that yes, he was receiving them and ignoring them on purpose. He had actually bragged to me, in chat, that he deliberately ignored a woman who had insulted him once, and he acted smug about it, like 'ha ha, I got her.' I am not going to tell that story right now of what happened when I got somebody to go look at his emails. It is a very unpleasant incident and I am not proud of it.) I still know that many of my letters were forced: it's not my fault that I continued writing letters to him. And that is still in the area of technical/physical phenomena... which leads to the same final conclusion: In order to solve it, I need to understand the technical phenomena and protect myself using technological methods such as effective shielding, along with social support and forensic work.
I can remember certain things that he (the more recent guy who I met last year) wrote in the 'disappearing blog' that made it sound like maybe he had experienced incidents of trying to reach people (through email or something) and they hadn't acknowledged that he had said anything. But again, I am not going to just try to interpret something that happened, using my limited information, when the result is the same: I have to solve it at the technical level, and also, at the level of obligation/duty to do what I said I would do, which is deliver the handwritten note even though it is very difficult. I still have to take the same actions regardless of how I interpret his motives, his behavior, whether it was voluntary or forced, whether he's a 'puppet/victim/fellow sufferer' versus a 'consciously knowing voluntary attacker who hurts and attacks people of his own free will and is fully responsible for his own actions.' Or whether I can argue that some other interpretation is true, that he does this because of a psychological/personality disorder, or some other similar problem.
Two reasons why this blog is so long today: 1. I took sjw yesterday, and 2. I've had a stomach virus all night long and most of the day, so I haven't eaten, and have no energy, and all I can do to entertain myself is sit here writing.
I saw a movie yesterday. The decision to go see that movie was a puppet incident. I don't usually go out to the movie theater and randomly pick a movie I haven't heard of and go see it. I don't have TV, and also, I have dialup internet, so I never see movie previews or movie trailers. I would have to just read movie reviews, and I don't bother doing that - I don't go to many movies.
So I 'randomly' went out in my car, and 'ended up' at the movie theater. I didn't know what to watch. So I watched the one that said it had been nominated for a bunch of academy awards. It turns out that this movie was relevant to understanding my own situation and understanding people based on the personality type system, the enneagram.
There are a few personality types who do really, really horrible things in certain situations. If they have been abused or abandoned as children, if they become physically ill, if anything really bad goes wrong in their lives, if a couple other things happen, then these particular personality types are the ones who become sadistic psychopaths and sociopaths, people who deliberately hurt other people without feeling remorse, without understanding the other person's point of view at all. Everybody hurts other people in small ways, or tells white lies sometimes, or gets sick and gets in a bad mood, but there are categories of people who end up telling major lies, all of the time, and doing extremely terrible things deliberately to cause suffering, such as physical torture, murder, or physical enslavement of other people - and not just once or twice, not just occasionally, but often, and again and again, especially if something stressful happens in their life. If they're healthy, they don't do that. Again, it's linked to child abuse, illness, severe misfortune, and some other things.
If you are a normal, healthy person, and somebody tries to explain to you, 'So-and-so did this small, petty, bizarre thing to me deliberately,' they think that you're crazy, because nobody would ever do such a thing. If you are healthy, you can't imagine that other people are sadistically abusive and do small, petty, insane things to somebody. You can't imagine that those people really exist. For instance, somebody deliberately moves and hides an important piece of paperwork that was on your desk in the office. You complain about it, but everybody says that you were just absent-minded or disorganized and it's your fault that you lost it. But you know you didn't lose it. That was happening to somebody at a place where I worked, State of the Art, Inc., in 2001-2003 (if I recall the dates, I'm not sure) which is a 'government-supported business,' so to speak, involved with military and radio frequency weapons - and I didn't know that whenever I got hired there - so I strongly suspect employees of State of the Art as being connected with the phenomena that I experience. That's one theory, anyway. It began after I left there. And they are involved in 'radio frequency applications,' and they're military. I was hired there as a temporary office worker, doing filing and data entry, and the computer hacking/harassment was happening while I worked there. So there was another lady in the office who was viewed as mentally unstable and strange, an 'unreliable source,' where if she loudly complained that somebody was stealing files off her desk and hiding them, everybody said she was just crazy and it was her own fault. I think she was right, I think she was telling the truth, I think she was interpreting correctly. So again, that makes me suspect employees (or former employees) of SOTA as 'consciously aware perpetrators' (instead of puppets or fellow sufferers), people who are in control of their own actions and are NOT being remotely forced as a 'puppet,' people who actually own, operate, and understand the equipment and systems used for the purpose of hurting and controlling other people, and they consciously know they're doing it, and do it voluntarily because they want to, because they believe it's okay to do that.
In this movie, one of the main characters happened to be one of the personality types that becomes psychopathically murderous. The movie was all about one of the people who she hurt very, very badly (emotionally). During the movie, he tried to understand her, struggled to understand her motives, her point of view, why she did what she did. And it was one of the rare occasions when psychopaths were actually caught and put on trial and questioned about their motives for murdering other people. (Usually, they don't commit broad-daylight murder, and they don't get caught, and it doesn't happen on the huge scale that it happened in this movie, which was from a historical time period... in Germany... in the 1940s.)
The reason for her behavior was because she had a humiliating secret, something she was so ashamed of that she felt if anybody knew about it, she would be seen as utterly worthless, laughable, a completely rejected human being, 'scum of the earth.' She kept hiding that secret throughout the movie and it was one of the motives for why she did what she did. And there REALLY IS a personality type who behaves that way.
The part that I identified with was 'somebody disappears and doesn't tell you why they left or where they're going or what happened.' Only in the movie, she didn't do it deliberately to hurt him, but rather, she was callous to any suffering that she caused, and it was more focused on how she had to keep hiding her secret. She wasn't necessarily hurting him in order to be sadistic and cause pain deliberately, because she cared about him. And I was identifying with his point of view, because I know how it feels when somebody suddenly stops answering, and avoids you, and refuses to speak to you, in any way, about anything, when originally they seemed to be at least a friend. It goes beyond merely being too busy to call someone back. It is total, all-encompassing avoidance and refusal to communicate. (Assuming that email was working properly, and he has the ability to respond if he chooses to.) In the movie, she thought that hiding her secret was more important than being honest with the guy and telling him the reasons why she felt like she had to leave. She didn't tell him the stress of what she was experiencing, or talk about any alternatives for how she would deal with the problem.
Our country doesn't have quite the extreme level of broad-daylight murder that happened in 1940s Germany - WITHIN the country itself, AMONG the citizens of the country. The murders and imprisonment are still happening, in other countries, with Iraq and Guantanamo and other places, but we don't have the 'concentration camp next door' phenomenon, unless you count the prisons - but again, prisons are not openly murdering millions of people, and they still allow family to visit, at least for some of the prisoners. So prisons aren't at that level either. And the actual murders, the bombing of cities, is happening in other countries, where ordinary citizens of the USA can't do anything about it.
('Bombing the cities' is a military strategy that I simply will never, never understand at all. As in, what good it could possibly do, for anybody, anywhere. I just cannot imagine anything, ANYTHING the slightest bit useful about bombing a city, killing civilians, destroying churches and grocery stores, streets, houses, etc. The people being killed are ordinary civilians who have no connections whatsoever to any fighting. It would be like bombing State College PA because the United States is causing the value of the dollar to collapse. It makes no sense and does nothing useful for anyone, and has no connection to solving the problem. This is why I understood what he was saying, when a journalist recently wrote a blog from North Korea, describing how the citizens were glad to be outdoors in the warm spring weather, during the forced vote where they unanimously voted to re-elect Kim Jong Il again. People complained that he seemed to be saying it was all okay, and that Korea was a nice place to live, etc, and he said something like, 'No, I was just trying to show that these people are human, not evil monsters, and they are still living their daily lives.' The commenter responded, 'Nobody ever SAID they were all evil monsters.' But I know what he means: if you 'bomb the cities,' you don't mind killing all the civilians, because everybody in that country is insane/evil monster etc, so killing civilians doesn't matter. People can just say, 'Oh, everybody in North Korea is crazy. They're not like us, they're different. It's okay to just kill them all indiscriminately.')
The people in the movie were enabled to be as murderous as they were, because the whole country, and the government, was openly advocating it and supporting it. They could not have done anything at such a huge scale all by themselves.
In this country, when people are psychopathic or sociopathic, they still have to be secretive about it, and they cannot openly murder huge numbers of people at once. They are doing something terrible, but it is not at that magnitude.
I didn't actually 'LIKE' the movie. But I understood it and thought it was a good movie. I was so engrossed in the movie that I could not bear to walk out whenever I had to go to the bathroom really, really badly, LOL, and I waited as long as I could, then I dashed out and came back as quickly as possible, and I missed an important moment in the movie - I came back, and they were in a courtroom, and I was like 'Whoa! What happened? Why are we in a courtroom?' So I got very involved in the movie. It wasn't one that I'm going to buy on videotape and watch it a hundred times like I have done with my other movies. It gave me a very bad feeling and I went home and watched another, more cheerful, movie at home. But even though it was an awful feeling, the movie was excellent. There really IS no 'happy ending' that can be made from the subject of 1940s Germany, unless you change it to a fantasy of something that didn't actually happen, an imaginary happy ending that wasn't real. And it's not easy to do something like that to something so terrible.
Well, I did say this was a long blog post.
I am still going to give my note to this person. If he reads my blog, he already knows that it is merely a note asking about the emails. And that really is what it is. It has to be done because I said it would be done. And I had a terrible three days last week, and saw the one girl only briefly and didn't ever feel that I could go give it to her. But I have to assume the worst: this is a disinformation war. In this disinformation war, I don't know whether he receives my emails or if I receive his. I don't know if he is able to get on a computer and read my blog, or whether some hacker has made it impossible for him to get to the web page. I simply don't know what to assume. I am taking this as an obligation or duty that I have to communicate about this to him so that he at least has a CHANCE to understand: I didn't receive letters from you, and I was sending letters to you. Meanwhile, he will eventually graduate and will probably go to some other city to live in, I assume, although I don't know, and I will get used to his absence, while at the same time, wishing him the best, even though I don't understand him or what he did. There are different interpretations, some of them more forgivable than others ('somebody was threatening to kill me/you/someone else,' etc), but I don't know which interpretations are correct. And I did not, and do not, have control over the forced urges to write emails to him, and *I DON'T WANT* to write emails to somebody who refuses to answer. That is harmful and hurtful to me, and it is a waste of my life.
Yesterday afternoon I visited my outdoor pot of St. John's Wort - it was actually AFTER I wrote all the blog entries earlier in the day. The plant was brown and dried out, but I was able to inhale a small amount by just breathing near it. I have found that I'm able to get a useful dosage from very small amounts of the vapor that the plant emits.
I felt that it was necessary to use it because I have to deal with something bad that is going on. It makes me more able to focus mentally and more able to do certain kinds of work, anything challenging or unusual or non-routine. But it turns me into a puppet, so that I write word-for-word things that I am being forced to say.
The thing going on is that my landlord doesn't want me to renew my lease, because of how I had to have the windows open in the middle of winter. He told me that he is tired of having one disaster after another, every year, having to do with me, and it's always something new and unexpected. He wants my lease to just expire, but he's not just evicting me right this instant. So the lease expires in July, I think it is, but also, I have to get the apartment ready to show to people much earlier than that.
I found out a couple weeks ago that there is mold on a wooden shelf under the sink, and whenever I use the sink at all, the mold somehow gets wet and starts to smell. And yes, it is BLACK mold. So I ended up showing it to my landlord and we tried to figure out how the water was dripping onto the mold. It might be preventable, based on what we saw. However, he's not convinced that just getting rid of the moldy shelf will be enough to prevent another unforeseen disaster of some kind, and he is sick of dealing with my disasters.
I had seen that after I used the dishwasher, the water had leaked down onto the mold, and gotten it 'activated' again and it smelled awful. And I opened up that cabinet door, and the moldy smell came out, and I almost threw up and almost passed out. I was then stumbling and uncoordinated, could not walk straight, and almost fell. It is extremely toxic and it makes me so sick that I'm convinced that is what was affecting me all winter. It gets really bad in the winter because the windows are closed. In the summer, if it happens, the windows are open and I don't notice it as badly, although I'm still affected by it.
So I still have a couple days to discuss this with my landlord and decide whether or not I insist on renewing my lease. I think removing the moldy shelf will help, along with putting something waterproof down in there so that further dripping won't create moldy wood. However, I can't reassure him that there will be no disaster of any kind next winter. The disasters are unpredictable.
Well, that is what's going on with the landlord and my apartment.
Whenever I use sjw, I describe it as making me into a 'puppet.' That means that I feel as though I lose almost all control of what I say, and I say (or write) whatever they are forcing me to say. In phone conversations, I just don't HAVE anything to say, and I don't enjoy phone conversations. But they force me to fill in the blank spaces with something, so I will say things that I think are pointless small talk.
I don't talk about these phenomena much while I am off sjw. My mental phenomena aren't understood or experienced by ANYONE I know, except other online bloggers who talk about the same subject. But when I am on sjw the puppet phenomenon is so noticeable that I have to write about it and, if I can, apologize for not being myself.
I already know what my family and most of my friends think about the voices phenomena. They interpret the voices as being a symptom of an illness or psychological problem. I know a couple other people who interpret the voices (and other attacks) as being something psychic, paranormal, or supernatural, where the voices are caused by spirits, or wherever psychic voices come from, and I experience them because I'm psychic. Whereas I interpret them as being the result of a living, external, human attacker using a weapon or system on me - and I don't know the technical details of the system being used to do it.
A couple reasons why I usually don't talk about it. It's true, I experience voices, and various kinds of attacks, EVERY DAY without exception. But I only talk about it sometimes. I don't want friends and family to worry about me, to be anxious that something is wrong. I don't want them to feel helpless - there's nothing they can do about it. It hurts them to hear about a bad thing that they can't fix, over and over again, something awful that won't go away.
I don't like having to argue and explain about something that I already know is true. It's the feeling that arguing isn't getting anything useful done. I already know what needs to be done: I need to find safe locations and/or build a shield that works. I trust my own observations, and I trust the technical information that I have read, and I know that these attacks are, as I said, a living human (or several) using something technological. It gets irritating and frustrating to try to argue with people who cannot be convinced of it.
Also, I worry because it is extremely traumatic whenever you finally conclude that electronic mind reading and mind control is real and that it's happening to everyone every day. I survived that traumatic experience, but I really don't WANT to successfully convince my friends and family to agree with me! I don't want them going through the same thing I went through whenever I accepted that interpretation. I don't have any recommendations for what to DO about it, because I've wanted to work on designing and building effective shields, for a long time now, and I can't do it because of the chaos of my life, the constant illnesses and disasters, the job losses, etc. So I don't have any suggestions for how people can protect themselves whenever they accept that the attacks are technological.
So I usually avoid upsetting people, and upsetting myself in an argument about a subject where 1. I doubt that the other person in the discussion will ever change their mind and agree with me, and 2. IT WOULD BE A BAD THING IF THEY DID! I don't WANT to force other people to experience what I experience, and in a way I'm HAPPY if they continue to disagree with me. It means they're not experiencing it!
Also, there was a piece of advice that I followed from a book that I read years ago. I used to try meditating, and I was reading a book called 'How To Meditate' by Lawrence Leshan. I gave up on meditating - I started noticing that I would experience a painful electrical shock sensation over my whole body at the stroke of ten minutes, if I assigned myself to meditate for ten minutes. In other words I couldn't just freely meditate for longer than I had planned, or try something else afterwards, but instead got a painful zap that awakened me suddenly. And nowadays, I can meditate for about three seconds before getting the electrical shock, and/or a voice in my head. So I no longer try to meditate unless I am very sick and in conflict with the voices and I have to meditate in order to endure the passage of time while I try to sleep. This is usually if I get an accidental drug exposure from the contamination in the house (one of the other subjects that I don't argue about with people anymore).
Well, this book said that if you start meditating, you might start to have more frequent 'psychic' experiences. These are incidents where you accurately think of a piece of secret information that you couldn't know, or accurately predict something that does, in fact, happen. Or other psychic phenomena. The author said that he advised his students to NOT brag about being psychic, and not brag about the incidents when they happened ("I'm more psychic than you are" "I predicted you would say that") because it became competitive, and competing to be the 'most psychic person' was a distraction from the real purpose of meditating, which was self-knowledge and self-improvement. People would get a sense of superiority from being psychic and knowing more things than other people knew. He advised his students, instead, to just accept those incidents when they happened. You see it, you can't help noticing 'Hey, I heard the phrase "orange shoes", and fifteen seconds later, a guy wearing bright orange shoes walked in the room!' You can't help noticing those things when they happen, but he said to just accept it, and ignore it if you can, and don't brag or boast about how psychic you are, and how you have a 'power' that other people don't have.
And also, I avoid telling every detail of what I experience every day, because then the person attacking me says, 'Hey! I'm famous!' and does something else to get attention.
I don't experience these phenomena as a 'power.' That was something that I argued through in the beginning, in the early years, when it was most difficult and I was adjusting to it. I can't CHOOSE what information I would like to look at! For instance, of course, I attempted to 'psychically remote view' information that would answer the question: At the physical level, of atoms and molecules and electromagnetic phenomena and all that, HOW DO PSYCHIC EVENTS HAPPEN? Of course, I wasn't able to get that answer in detail. I got a lot of stuff that I disagreed with, though. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get psychic answers to the questions that I really wanted to know. So I decided that the word 'power' does not describe psychic phenomena. You get whatever 'the voices' decide to give you. You don't get to go out and search for whatever you want to know.
I also saw (on the internet, reading the web pages of fellow sufferers) that sometimes people who experience electronic attacks still do interpret themselves as having psychic power, in addition to being the target of electronic attacks. I had a couple things happen in that interpretation. First, it felt to me like an illusion of power. You feel powerless, so you convince yourself that there's at least SOMETHING you can do about being attacked. The other thing that happened to me personally was that I would get artificial images and fantasies where I attacked a person psychically, who was EXCITED about the fact that I attacked them. They found it either hilarious or exciting, and they encouraged me to think about attacking them, and then would give me dreams at night about how I was attacking them. It seemed like a false illusion of power when in fact you can't do anything, and it seemed like a way of entertaining them, and of course, it didn't get any results. The desired result was that if you psychically attacked them, they would die or get scared away, permanently, and never do anything to you again. That never worked! They were always there again the next day.
So I liked the interpretation that it was electronic. The material that I read about electronic weapons DID attempt to describe in detail how it works. It seemed like that was the right direction for me to go, the interpretation that felt right, because it focused on answering questions about how stuff happens at the molecular level. That's what I wanted to know about. If it's God, if it's supernatural, if it's psychic, if it's paranormal, if it's ghosts and spirits, I STILL want to answer the question: how does it work? And the only way to answer that was to read the technology-oriented material. And if you understand the physical phenomena of how it works, that's the most direct way to know what to do about it. (There are other aspects of the problem, the forensic work of finding out WHO is attacking you, where the attacks come from, why they're doing it, etc, and that involves understanding criminal psychology in addition to just knowing the technical information.)
And, strangely enough, my best-loved piece of software of all time - it's underpriced, they should charge $1000 instead of the $400 or $500 that they actually charge. This software, Propellerheads Reason, a music-writing software - I found it by accident in the early part of this decade, somewhere like 2001 or so. You get to fiddle with knobs and dials, and listen to how it changes the sound, on a simulated electronic synthesizer. Because of my experience playing with Reason, I can actually understand the meaning of words like 'modulator' and 'carrier' whenever I read them in the technical-engineering descriptions of how it works when somebody puts voices in your head. I can almost imagine how two different waves add up to a new wave that sounds like a voice. So Reason - something I love - actually helped me to understand something I hate.
The other 'psychic power' argument says that if you obey the voices, follow their suggestions, you'll benefit from it. They tell you things you need to know. Therefore it's a 'power.' I was angered by that idea right away. Obedience is power? What if you don't WANT to do what the voices tell you? What if you really, really want to do something different, but the voices tell you to do something else? And if you go against them, bad things will happen to you? That doesn't seem like power to me. The power to do what somebody tells you to do! Sure, there are lots of situations where, if you obey what someone tells you to do, you'll get material rewards. That doesn't mean you have 'power' because you are doing what somebody tells you to do.
Plus, whenever the attacks really became noticeable, in 2003, it wasn't at all pleasant or helpful. Occasionally they told me secret pieces of information that I couldn't have known, which would later turn out to be true. But most of the time, it was nightmares about handling fecal material, or having somebody zap me and try to make me throw up, or zapping me awake at 3:00 AM, or hearing voices that said disgusting things or meaningless nonsense that I couldn't understand. Those weren't pleasant or helpful experiences, so I disagreed about any 'psychic power' interpretations from the very beginning. It definitely wasn't a power. If it WAS 'psychic,' it was a curse, not a power.
But in order to FIX the problem, I wanted to understand the atomic/molecular/physical details of HOW IT HAPPENS. I read some occasional things about what happens if somebody has an evil spirit and needs to get rid of it - in fact, Judith Swack's treatment took that approach - I still, to this day, don't know for sure whether Judith Swack was involved in the events that began to happen at that time. But part of her therapy was an attempt to chase away evil spirits by using prayers and verbal statements. At the time she was treating me, I actually DIDN'T HAVE the phenomena which started up AFTER she treated me. I was only having problems with computer hackers back then, not voices - or rather, I wasn't consciously aware of the voices, and they didn't do extremely destructive/torturing/abusive things like they did later on. So anyway it wasn't good enough to just try to chase away evil spirits using prayers/chants etc. I wanted to understand 'What IS an evil spirit then? What is it made of? What devices can record and observe it? How does an evil spirit WORK, at the level of "one molecule bumps into another molecule"?'
Judith Swack said a couple of suspicious things during our phone therapy when this began. I was trying to explain to her that somebody was hacking my computer and harassing me. I'm not sure if this had happened yet, but around that time, somebody was also spying on my window, and then sending me emails with pictures of a similar-looking woman, standing in the same position, doing the same thing I was doing, but it wasn't an actual picture of me. So I was trying to explain this to Judith Swack.
Her reaction was unusual. She acted like she knew right away that this was something significant, but she didn't talk to me about it. She got excited and said something like 'So you're one of them? But you're able to communicate a lot more clearly than most of them!' She was very excited, because I had good, clear communication skills. She said that most of the time, they weren't able to communicate what they were experiencing, very well. 'They' were a category of people, implied by Judith, but I didn't know what category, or what significance it was to her. Anybody who fits into the category of 'Somebody is spying on/harassing me,' but isn't healthy enough to communicate clearly about it.
After that, she attempted to use techniques to get me to 'reveal my secret,' especially if it was a family secret, a secret where my life might be threatened if I revealed it. But I wasn't hiding anything. I'm guessing that the 'secret' she wanted me to reveal was that she wanted me to admit that my family 'knew about' electronic mind control and was actually using the devices, with conscious knowledge. Since that wasn't true, I wasn't hiding any secrets and we didn't get anywhere trying to use techniques to get me to reveal them. I revealed a couple of irrelevant things, attempted to reveal whatever I could, but those things, to me, weren't necessarily secrets, or things that somebody might kill me for if I told about them. They were just various unpleasant things from my life history.
By the way, I wrote about this some time ago, last year, and I have noticed that I do feel different without the metallic dental filling. Back then I had more of a bitter, cynical anger, more often, because the dental filling made me feel sick - I don't think it's ONLY the mercury, I am sure that the COPPER in the filling is bad for you too. Everything I have read about metallic copper convinced me of that. Everything I've experienced - touching wet copper pennies with my hand, or the time when I pinned my hair up using copper hairpins while my hair was wet - showed me that copper makes me feel really, really sick and strange and unable to think clearly. Copper is pretty safe when it's dry, but when it's wet, it will go through the skin, and if it's in your mouth, you're swallowing it all the time. Anyway, I remember how I was writing about these 'mental phenomena' last year and I had more of a tendency to feel bitter and angry while writing. Although, that problem hasn't completely gone away - I still write with lots of endless, bitter anger whenever I feel sick for any reason at all.
(And yes, I'm still having a problem with the resin composite fillings that I have now, but that is another story. I intend to remove the plastic fillings, and replace them with nothing, leaving empty cavities, before I get pregnant. The plastic fillings have given me chronic breast pain - exactly the same type of breast pain I had while I was using a plastic retainer in my mouth after my braces were taken off, when I was a teenager. It's gotten less severe over time, but it is still there. So I don't want it affecting the future pregnancy. Every time you see a news article about the dangers of plastics and the dangers of bisphenol-A, it seems to be taboo to mention that the WORST OFFENDER in this category is PLASTIC DENTAL FILLINGS, which are never even MENTIONED in the articles! They mention things like plastic bottles that we drink out of, but those are NOWHERE NEAR as harmful as plastic dental fillings which cannot be removed from your mouth.)
(There is a taboo on the subject of plastic dental fillings being bad for you, because, as I noticed, there are no safe alternatives at all. Every type of filling is dangerous, and you're best off just not using any dental fillings at all, unless they are a temporary material like wax. I read that wax could possibly be used, but I think it would probably hold germs underneath it, and I haven't tried it. Anyway, there's a taboo on resin composite fillings, because nobody knows what to do about them. It would mean that every filling, of every kind, no matter what kind, had to be removed. I include porcelain fillings as bad, too, because they are glued down, and the glue is bad for you. The porcelain material itself might be okay. They used to use ivory, and ivory would be okay, but I don't know how it was glued in place. And there are limits on what you can do in a situation where someone's whole mouth full of teeth is all falling apart, every single tooth, which does happen - that person would simply lose all of their teeth and have nothing left. Anyway the point of mentioning this subject is that I feel differently than I did back then, last summer, partly because the metal dental filling is gone from my mouth - I feel that my mood towards other people has changed a lot. There are other reasons, too - reaching out to try to make more friends has been helpful, and learning about community.)
I had to look over this long entry again. Psychic power, Judith Swack, dental fillings, community, electronic devices, what's happening at the molecular level... What else was I going to talk about?
Maybe I could post it, and if I wanted to write more, it could be a separate post.
Oh, one thing I wanted to mention. I kept promising that I was going to give a note to somebody. Last weekend was three extremely bad days in a row. We were extremely busy because of a sale that was going on and I had to make more pizzas than usual, and it also just seemed busier than usual for whatever reasons. All three days I was very stressed out and rushed.
I saw the person who I would have given the note to, but she was there only briefly, and I felt too rushed/stressed/preoccupied to calm down and get the courage to go approach her, because this problem is painful and humiliating, and I don't know her very well, so it takes a lot of courage and resolve to go up to her, even though I told her ahead of time that I was going to give her this note.
Also, I still have a very negative feeling about the whole thing, which is that I don't know the truth of what he is doing and experiencing, or why. I would not have chosen of my own free will to waste my time writing letters to a person who stopped answering - that was DEFINITELY a forced phenomenon which went on for many months and months and months. I would wake up in the morning, hypnotized, with some thought in my mind that I was supposed to try to tell him, and would write a letter to him, only to be ignored. I do not waste time with people who refuse to answer my letters - IN THE REAL WORLD. I did that because I was being forced to do it. However, I need to know whether somebody really is interfering with my email, because technically, it is easy for a malicious person to do that. If somebody prevented either my letters, or his letters, from reaching the recipient, I need to know that, because then either he or I were getting our feelings hurt, thinking the other person wasn't answering, when in fact they were. I need to know if he was voluntarily refusing to answer (in which case, I don't waste my time with him) or whether the emails were being interfered with. However, this little problem: HE KNOWS that I won't waste my time with him if I know for sure that he's VOLUNTARILY ignoring the letters, on purpose, in order to hurt me. (That's not the only interpretation. There are other reasons why someone can become unable to talk or is too afraid to confront someone.)
Whenever I get into this type of thought pattern, it's the "I know that he knows that I know that he knows..." thought pattern, called 'second guessing,' where you make decisions based on assumptions about the other person and what knowledge they have, and then you might start to do something, but change your mind about it, etc - I don't like to think that way. I usually bypass that whole thought process whenever it starts to happen. I lose patience with it. It is a duty or obligation that I have, where if I said that I am going to give a letter, then I have to. And yes, I do still hear voices telling me things about him. And yes, I am still being influenced by them. But I agree with them whenever they try to influence me to do what I said I would do, regardless of how I interpret the situation.
I had a sort of decision about this whole thing: even if he sadistically ignores people to make them suffer, and laughs at them while he reads their emails, and I'm not the only person he's doing it to, and there are dozens of other people who are unknowingly doing the same thing, trying to reach him while he deliberately ignores them - which was what the other guy was doing when this happened the first time, in 2000, and I was, again, forced to continue writing emails to him - even if that whole interpretation were true, it wouldn't matter. (To make a long story short, I eventually had a third party go look at that guy's emails and prove that yes, he was receiving them and ignoring them on purpose. He had actually bragged to me, in chat, that he deliberately ignored a woman who had insulted him once, and he acted smug about it, like 'ha ha, I got her.' I am not going to tell that story right now of what happened when I got somebody to go look at his emails. It is a very unpleasant incident and I am not proud of it.) I still know that many of my letters were forced: it's not my fault that I continued writing letters to him. And that is still in the area of technical/physical phenomena... which leads to the same final conclusion: In order to solve it, I need to understand the technical phenomena and protect myself using technological methods such as effective shielding, along with social support and forensic work.
I can remember certain things that he (the more recent guy who I met last year) wrote in the 'disappearing blog' that made it sound like maybe he had experienced incidents of trying to reach people (through email or something) and they hadn't acknowledged that he had said anything. But again, I am not going to just try to interpret something that happened, using my limited information, when the result is the same: I have to solve it at the technical level, and also, at the level of obligation/duty to do what I said I would do, which is deliver the handwritten note even though it is very difficult. I still have to take the same actions regardless of how I interpret his motives, his behavior, whether it was voluntary or forced, whether he's a 'puppet/victim/fellow sufferer' versus a 'consciously knowing voluntary attacker who hurts and attacks people of his own free will and is fully responsible for his own actions.' Or whether I can argue that some other interpretation is true, that he does this because of a psychological/personality disorder, or some other similar problem.
Two reasons why this blog is so long today: 1. I took sjw yesterday, and 2. I've had a stomach virus all night long and most of the day, so I haven't eaten, and have no energy, and all I can do to entertain myself is sit here writing.
I saw a movie yesterday. The decision to go see that movie was a puppet incident. I don't usually go out to the movie theater and randomly pick a movie I haven't heard of and go see it. I don't have TV, and also, I have dialup internet, so I never see movie previews or movie trailers. I would have to just read movie reviews, and I don't bother doing that - I don't go to many movies.
So I 'randomly' went out in my car, and 'ended up' at the movie theater. I didn't know what to watch. So I watched the one that said it had been nominated for a bunch of academy awards. It turns out that this movie was relevant to understanding my own situation and understanding people based on the personality type system, the enneagram.
There are a few personality types who do really, really horrible things in certain situations. If they have been abused or abandoned as children, if they become physically ill, if anything really bad goes wrong in their lives, if a couple other things happen, then these particular personality types are the ones who become sadistic psychopaths and sociopaths, people who deliberately hurt other people without feeling remorse, without understanding the other person's point of view at all. Everybody hurts other people in small ways, or tells white lies sometimes, or gets sick and gets in a bad mood, but there are categories of people who end up telling major lies, all of the time, and doing extremely terrible things deliberately to cause suffering, such as physical torture, murder, or physical enslavement of other people - and not just once or twice, not just occasionally, but often, and again and again, especially if something stressful happens in their life. If they're healthy, they don't do that. Again, it's linked to child abuse, illness, severe misfortune, and some other things.
If you are a normal, healthy person, and somebody tries to explain to you, 'So-and-so did this small, petty, bizarre thing to me deliberately,' they think that you're crazy, because nobody would ever do such a thing. If you are healthy, you can't imagine that other people are sadistically abusive and do small, petty, insane things to somebody. You can't imagine that those people really exist. For instance, somebody deliberately moves and hides an important piece of paperwork that was on your desk in the office. You complain about it, but everybody says that you were just absent-minded or disorganized and it's your fault that you lost it. But you know you didn't lose it. That was happening to somebody at a place where I worked, State of the Art, Inc., in 2001-2003 (if I recall the dates, I'm not sure) which is a 'government-supported business,' so to speak, involved with military and radio frequency weapons - and I didn't know that whenever I got hired there - so I strongly suspect employees of State of the Art as being connected with the phenomena that I experience. That's one theory, anyway. It began after I left there. And they are involved in 'radio frequency applications,' and they're military. I was hired there as a temporary office worker, doing filing and data entry, and the computer hacking/harassment was happening while I worked there. So there was another lady in the office who was viewed as mentally unstable and strange, an 'unreliable source,' where if she loudly complained that somebody was stealing files off her desk and hiding them, everybody said she was just crazy and it was her own fault. I think she was right, I think she was telling the truth, I think she was interpreting correctly. So again, that makes me suspect employees (or former employees) of SOTA as 'consciously aware perpetrators' (instead of puppets or fellow sufferers), people who are in control of their own actions and are NOT being remotely forced as a 'puppet,' people who actually own, operate, and understand the equipment and systems used for the purpose of hurting and controlling other people, and they consciously know they're doing it, and do it voluntarily because they want to, because they believe it's okay to do that.
In this movie, one of the main characters happened to be one of the personality types that becomes psychopathically murderous. The movie was all about one of the people who she hurt very, very badly (emotionally). During the movie, he tried to understand her, struggled to understand her motives, her point of view, why she did what she did. And it was one of the rare occasions when psychopaths were actually caught and put on trial and questioned about their motives for murdering other people. (Usually, they don't commit broad-daylight murder, and they don't get caught, and it doesn't happen on the huge scale that it happened in this movie, which was from a historical time period... in Germany... in the 1940s.)
The reason for her behavior was because she had a humiliating secret, something she was so ashamed of that she felt if anybody knew about it, she would be seen as utterly worthless, laughable, a completely rejected human being, 'scum of the earth.' She kept hiding that secret throughout the movie and it was one of the motives for why she did what she did. And there REALLY IS a personality type who behaves that way.
The part that I identified with was 'somebody disappears and doesn't tell you why they left or where they're going or what happened.' Only in the movie, she didn't do it deliberately to hurt him, but rather, she was callous to any suffering that she caused, and it was more focused on how she had to keep hiding her secret. She wasn't necessarily hurting him in order to be sadistic and cause pain deliberately, because she cared about him. And I was identifying with his point of view, because I know how it feels when somebody suddenly stops answering, and avoids you, and refuses to speak to you, in any way, about anything, when originally they seemed to be at least a friend. It goes beyond merely being too busy to call someone back. It is total, all-encompassing avoidance and refusal to communicate. (Assuming that email was working properly, and he has the ability to respond if he chooses to.) In the movie, she thought that hiding her secret was more important than being honest with the guy and telling him the reasons why she felt like she had to leave. She didn't tell him the stress of what she was experiencing, or talk about any alternatives for how she would deal with the problem.
Our country doesn't have quite the extreme level of broad-daylight murder that happened in 1940s Germany - WITHIN the country itself, AMONG the citizens of the country. The murders and imprisonment are still happening, in other countries, with Iraq and Guantanamo and other places, but we don't have the 'concentration camp next door' phenomenon, unless you count the prisons - but again, prisons are not openly murdering millions of people, and they still allow family to visit, at least for some of the prisoners. So prisons aren't at that level either. And the actual murders, the bombing of cities, is happening in other countries, where ordinary citizens of the USA can't do anything about it.
('Bombing the cities' is a military strategy that I simply will never, never understand at all. As in, what good it could possibly do, for anybody, anywhere. I just cannot imagine anything, ANYTHING the slightest bit useful about bombing a city, killing civilians, destroying churches and grocery stores, streets, houses, etc. The people being killed are ordinary civilians who have no connections whatsoever to any fighting. It would be like bombing State College PA because the United States is causing the value of the dollar to collapse. It makes no sense and does nothing useful for anyone, and has no connection to solving the problem. This is why I understood what he was saying, when a journalist recently wrote a blog from North Korea, describing how the citizens were glad to be outdoors in the warm spring weather, during the forced vote where they unanimously voted to re-elect Kim Jong Il again. People complained that he seemed to be saying it was all okay, and that Korea was a nice place to live, etc, and he said something like, 'No, I was just trying to show that these people are human, not evil monsters, and they are still living their daily lives.' The commenter responded, 'Nobody ever SAID they were all evil monsters.' But I know what he means: if you 'bomb the cities,' you don't mind killing all the civilians, because everybody in that country is insane/evil monster etc, so killing civilians doesn't matter. People can just say, 'Oh, everybody in North Korea is crazy. They're not like us, they're different. It's okay to just kill them all indiscriminately.')
The people in the movie were enabled to be as murderous as they were, because the whole country, and the government, was openly advocating it and supporting it. They could not have done anything at such a huge scale all by themselves.
In this country, when people are psychopathic or sociopathic, they still have to be secretive about it, and they cannot openly murder huge numbers of people at once. They are doing something terrible, but it is not at that magnitude.
I didn't actually 'LIKE' the movie. But I understood it and thought it was a good movie. I was so engrossed in the movie that I could not bear to walk out whenever I had to go to the bathroom really, really badly, LOL, and I waited as long as I could, then I dashed out and came back as quickly as possible, and I missed an important moment in the movie - I came back, and they were in a courtroom, and I was like 'Whoa! What happened? Why are we in a courtroom?' So I got very involved in the movie. It wasn't one that I'm going to buy on videotape and watch it a hundred times like I have done with my other movies. It gave me a very bad feeling and I went home and watched another, more cheerful, movie at home. But even though it was an awful feeling, the movie was excellent. There really IS no 'happy ending' that can be made from the subject of 1940s Germany, unless you change it to a fantasy of something that didn't actually happen, an imaginary happy ending that wasn't real. And it's not easy to do something like that to something so terrible.
Well, I did say this was a long blog post.
I am still going to give my note to this person. If he reads my blog, he already knows that it is merely a note asking about the emails. And that really is what it is. It has to be done because I said it would be done. And I had a terrible three days last week, and saw the one girl only briefly and didn't ever feel that I could go give it to her. But I have to assume the worst: this is a disinformation war. In this disinformation war, I don't know whether he receives my emails or if I receive his. I don't know if he is able to get on a computer and read my blog, or whether some hacker has made it impossible for him to get to the web page. I simply don't know what to assume. I am taking this as an obligation or duty that I have to communicate about this to him so that he at least has a CHANCE to understand: I didn't receive letters from you, and I was sending letters to you. Meanwhile, he will eventually graduate and will probably go to some other city to live in, I assume, although I don't know, and I will get used to his absence, while at the same time, wishing him the best, even though I don't understand him or what he did. There are different interpretations, some of them more forgivable than others ('somebody was threatening to kill me/you/someone else,' etc), but I don't know which interpretations are correct. And I did not, and do not, have control over the forced urges to write emails to him, and *I DON'T WANT* to write emails to somebody who refuses to answer. That is harmful and hurtful to me, and it is a waste of my life.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Zombie Cover-up
WARNING!
Road signs warning of 'zombies ahead' are, in fact, accurate. The government doesn't want you to know! So they are changing all of the zombie warnings to other things that are less frightening, like 'Bridge Under Construction' or something. This is censorship!
So if you have passed any signs that warn of zombies ahead, remember where those signs were located, because they might be gone by tomorrow. Knowing where the zombies are is very important for your survival.
Road signs warning of 'zombies ahead' are, in fact, accurate. The government doesn't want you to know! So they are changing all of the zombie warnings to other things that are less frightening, like 'Bridge Under Construction' or something. This is censorship!
So if you have passed any signs that warn of zombies ahead, remember where those signs were located, because they might be gone by tomorrow. Knowing where the zombies are is very important for your survival.
I should guess the weight of the rock at the Bicycle Shop.
I saw that as I was driving by the other day, and then I saw it again just now when they had an ad on Facebook.
How to guess the weight of the rock:
1. Take a photo, or use your photographic memory, to get an image of the rock's colors and patterns. Then go to somewhere on the net, some geology site, and look at photos of rock types. Try to identify what type of rock it probably is (quartz, etc). Then look up the DENSITY of that type of rock. This won't be exact, but it will be a general idea. You would have to use the same UNITS OF MEASUREMENT that were used in the density given to you. I don't know what those would be.
2. I haven't been close enough to get a good look at the rock's shape. However, it looks like it's a nice, neat, regular, geometric shape. That makes everything much easier. It isn't just a random lumpy rock.
It's almost a rectangle on one face, and some kind of triangle on another face. I think the other face is a rectangle too. You want to find the rock's VOLUME. Finding the volume of a regular, neat-and-tidy, geometric shape is something you can do using relatively simple math. (I say 'relatively simple' because I haven't actually tried to do it, and it might be one of those things where if I tried it, I'd discover that I forgot about a bunch of important things that would make it actually a hassle.)
Find the area of each face of the rock.
Rectangular Faces: Measure the length and width of the rectangle. Multiply the length times the width.
Semi-Triangular Face: The top face, that the bike is sitting on, is sort of triangular. I haven't gotten close enough to really see. It might be rounded, almost like the arc of a circle. That looks like the hardest one to find the area of.
You'd have to find some 'name' to call that shape. Is it a triangle? What type of triangle? It isn't an equilateral triangle, and it isn't an isosceles triangle. It might possibly be 'scalene' (a 'none of the above' type of triangle). Looking at the picture I see that it might even have four sides, not three, so it might be a quadrilateral. I'm looking at a web page now, http://www.mathleague.com/help/geometry/polygons.htm, and reading the names, because it's been a couple decades since I took geometry class. (Almost that long. Wow. Was I fifteen? Sixteen?)
So, after you've figured out what name to call it, you look up the formula for the area of that shape. I vaguely remember how to find the areas of strange shapes, but I can't really explain it. It's something that I sort of figure out as I go, because some secret part of my brain knows what to do, but can't put it into words. (It's one of those right-brained things.)
Well, the general idea is 'Multiply everything together.' I mean, multiply the areas of all those sides that you found. However, actually, that's wrong... Don't do that. I don't know how many sides it has, and it isn't really rectangular. You could do it if it were only a rectangle.
You might have to do something more complicated. You might have to subtract the shape from an imaginary shape. Like, an imaginary rectangular solid object. I don't know for sure.
The details are unimportant!
Maybe I should just go try to do it.
No, no, no. Multiply the "weird side's" area times the rock's height. That's all. Find the area of the strange shaped face that the bike is sitting on (the triangle-like or quadrilateral thing), then multiply that area times the rock's height. The top and bottom surfaces of the rock are flat, not angled, so it's okay to do that. It could potentially be really complicated, but it isn't. Nothing is angled. Everything goes straight down, and everything is flat, from what I've seen of the rock. (I should go look.)
3. After getting the volume, and also having the suspected density of the suspected type of rock it is, you can find the weight. Fill in the variables in the density equation. It's something like Density=Weight/Volume.
I used to enjoy geometry class.
How to guess the weight of the rock:
1. Take a photo, or use your photographic memory, to get an image of the rock's colors and patterns. Then go to somewhere on the net, some geology site, and look at photos of rock types. Try to identify what type of rock it probably is (quartz, etc). Then look up the DENSITY of that type of rock. This won't be exact, but it will be a general idea. You would have to use the same UNITS OF MEASUREMENT that were used in the density given to you. I don't know what those would be.
2. I haven't been close enough to get a good look at the rock's shape. However, it looks like it's a nice, neat, regular, geometric shape. That makes everything much easier. It isn't just a random lumpy rock.
It's almost a rectangle on one face, and some kind of triangle on another face. I think the other face is a rectangle too. You want to find the rock's VOLUME. Finding the volume of a regular, neat-and-tidy, geometric shape is something you can do using relatively simple math. (I say 'relatively simple' because I haven't actually tried to do it, and it might be one of those things where if I tried it, I'd discover that I forgot about a bunch of important things that would make it actually a hassle.)
Find the area of each face of the rock.
Rectangular Faces: Measure the length and width of the rectangle. Multiply the length times the width.
Semi-Triangular Face: The top face, that the bike is sitting on, is sort of triangular. I haven't gotten close enough to really see. It might be rounded, almost like the arc of a circle. That looks like the hardest one to find the area of.
You'd have to find some 'name' to call that shape. Is it a triangle? What type of triangle? It isn't an equilateral triangle, and it isn't an isosceles triangle. It might possibly be 'scalene' (a 'none of the above' type of triangle). Looking at the picture I see that it might even have four sides, not three, so it might be a quadrilateral. I'm looking at a web page now, http://www.mathleague.com/help/geometry/polygons.htm, and reading the names, because it's been a couple decades since I took geometry class. (Almost that long. Wow. Was I fifteen? Sixteen?)
So, after you've figured out what name to call it, you look up the formula for the area of that shape. I vaguely remember how to find the areas of strange shapes, but I can't really explain it. It's something that I sort of figure out as I go, because some secret part of my brain knows what to do, but can't put it into words. (It's one of those right-brained things.)
Well, the general idea is 'Multiply everything together.' I mean, multiply the areas of all those sides that you found. However, actually, that's wrong... Don't do that. I don't know how many sides it has, and it isn't really rectangular. You could do it if it were only a rectangle.
You might have to do something more complicated. You might have to subtract the shape from an imaginary shape. Like, an imaginary rectangular solid object. I don't know for sure.
The details are unimportant!
Maybe I should just go try to do it.
No, no, no. Multiply the "weird side's" area times the rock's height. That's all. Find the area of the strange shaped face that the bike is sitting on (the triangle-like or quadrilateral thing), then multiply that area times the rock's height. The top and bottom surfaces of the rock are flat, not angled, so it's okay to do that. It could potentially be really complicated, but it isn't. Nothing is angled. Everything goes straight down, and everything is flat, from what I've seen of the rock. (I should go look.)
3. After getting the volume, and also having the suspected density of the suspected type of rock it is, you can find the weight. Fill in the variables in the density equation. It's something like Density=Weight/Volume.
I used to enjoy geometry class.
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