Trying to meet new people is torture!

I'm using a couple of dating websites to try to meet new people.  (Hey, this has a wordcount!  Wow!  You can tell I never actually use the wordpress text editor to type directly into.  I'm always excited about discovering new features.)  There are some reasons why I decided to do this.

I've decided that I want to have children before it's too late.  For a while I didn't want to, partly because of the electronic harassment.  I'm having a hard time writing, even right now, because they're telling me word-for-word what to say, and I hate that.  (This is why I always emphasize 'Puppets, not perps,' as my explanation for why people seem to do or say things that are directed at you personally - they control people like puppets and put words in their mouth, and I know they do it to me.)

Anyway I thought that I could not bear to have children in a world of electronic mind control.  I know to expect that the children will be manipulated and attacked while they're in the womb, from the instant they're conceived, and they'll have nightmares, and everything will happen to them that has happened to me - I've read that other people see it happening to their children.

But I decided that I want to have children anyway.  I don't want to miss the opportunity and then regret it at the end of my life.   And I believe in the 'rightness' of having children, ever since I read a book by Julian Simon a few years ago that argued against the popular belief that 'the world is overpopulated and you shouldn't have children.'  And I believe a lot of things about how children should be born (natural childbirth, in a standing or squatting position chosen by the mother) and fed (extended breastfeeding, and then later, diets that avoid artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives, along with certain other chemicals and foods - like the Feingold Diet) and how they should be educated, and everything.  I have all these opinions about how things should be done, but for a long time, I wouldn't consider myself as being able to have children.  Instead I looked at it as 'This is what I believe OTHER people should be doing.'

I have to find someone who will tolerate, or agree with, my unusual beliefs and practices.  We have to agree on how to raise the children.  That's already hard enough, but also, I have some anxiety about marrying only one man, and have been wondering about polyandry.  There is a reason for this.  The economy is very unreliable and unstable - businesses go bankrupt, people get laid off again and again.  Nobody can hold a job for more than a couple of years.  It isn't stable enough to just get a husband who will go out and work for a long time and make enough money to raise our children for several decades without getting laid off.

So I think about the idea of having more than one husband, something kind of like an income-sharing community, which I've been reading about in Diana Leafe Christian's books.  And that makes it even less likely that I would find a husband - he would have to tolerate the presence of  'other husbands' in the house - and probably not many people would tolerate that.

The polyandry arrangement couldn't be a legal marriage - it would have to be something informal.

I am seeing Peter, who is married and has one child.  He is sick enough that he probably won't live long enough to be a father to any more children.  He's on dialysis, and he's going to live for a while, but probably not for two decades (which is my time estimate for how long we will need to raise the children enough that they can live independently).   Plus, I don't want to marry him - we disagree about a lot of very important things.  I would love to give Peter another child, if only because I know the child would be beautiful and intelligent, and everything that I find attractive about Peter I expect would be handed down.  But that's not enough of a good reason to have a child with someone - I need to be sure that the child will grow up with a father.

This is now going to be a bunch of venting and griping.  I hate trying to use dating websites.  People write these uninformative, boring, meaningless, trivial, two-line profiles that tell me nothing about them whatsoever.  The only people who write anything useful at all are computer programmers, and there seem to be thousands of computer programmers who use dating websites.  Computer programmers are all well and good, and I can be friends with them, and I have a lot in common with them, but I am not necessarily looking for that particular personality type to be my husband.  But they're all over the dating websites and they're the only ones who can type more than two sentences in their profiles.  So if you ever need to find a programmer, you know where to look.

So I have to somehow look for somebody who seems interesting.  And all their profiles look the same - clueless, innocent, normal people who have no concept of the world that I live in, with my electronic harassment and mind control, my chemical sensitivities, my grooming experiments and my fascination with long hair, my countercultural beliefs and practices.  All of the people are normal, clueless, and boring.

People are emailing me even though I wrote a lot of really scary stuff in my profile.  I told the truth about everything with an emphasis on all the really negative things that we have to accept in order to work together.  When they email me and say things like 'We have a lot of common interests,' I'm like, 'What profile are you reading?'  I don't see a single common interest among the interests that they listed (football!  baseball!  outdoors!  weight lifting!) and my list of interests.  And they don't mention anything at all about the strangeness of all the stuff that I wrote, or their thoughts about it, or any reaction to it at all.  They just ignore it!

I try to write back to some of these people.  I also try to proactively go out and look at other people who I might want to initiate contact with.  All the profiles look boring and meaningless.  When I write back, there is absolutely nothing to talk about.  They don't show a single sign of intelligence or comprehension about anything at all.

And meanwhile, I am still trying to straighten out what happened with Martin.  I haven't told the entire Martin story yet.  It's only on retmeishka and not on my 'public' blog, because he and I work together, and I don't want to call too much attention to it.  But it's torture trying to meet new people whenever this thing happened with Martin, when my heart has recently been broken, when I am afraid that the same thing could happen again, when I still haven't disconnected from him.  I was trying to reply to someone's email at the dating site, and I felt like I was going to start crying.  All of my body was screaming 'no! no! i don't want to!'  I don't want to expend effort to meet these boring people who aren't what I want!  I don't want this duty of artificially meeting them and trying to make conversation with them when there's nothing to talk about.

Here is the Long Story Short version of what happened with Martin.

Actually, I doubt that I will be able to make the long story short.

Spring, 2008 - 'They,' the voices, called my attention to Martin.

And yes, I usually avoid talking directly about sexual topics, but this is my 'private' blog so it doesn't really matter here.  'They' are always involved with sexual arousal and sexual fantasies, but it doesn't usually cause much distress or anger, unless I am using my antidepressant (St. John's Wort) and am going into withdrawal from it, or having side effects from it - the sjw intensifies harassment and negative emotions, and makes me get angrier when they interact with me.  I still do use it sometimes because it is enormously helpful in getting household chores or projects done, or doing anything challenging at all, anything that requires prolonged effort or planning or thinking.  But I always know to watch out for conflicts with 'them' getting worse when I have been using the drug.

Well, last spring, during one of the incidents of arousal/fantasies, they were showing me all of my co-workers and asking me which ones I found attractive, asking me which people I could imagine having sex with.  So they emphasized him, called attention to him, and asked me if I found him attractive, and asked me a lot of questions about him.

He and I had had a few brief interactions and conversations but didn't know each other or talk outside of work.  But I was attracted to him and saw him as 'my type.'

There were a couple of puppet incidents where it seemed like they forced him to do or say certain things to me, and I decided that he was innocent and that he didn't understand what he was saying or doing.  I see that happening all the time and I use the 'puppets, not perps' interpretation of the events that happen.

Anyway, they continued asking me questions about him, and focusing my attention on him.  And one day, I was feeling moody enough to have a bout of crying.  I might have had PMS (they call it PMDD or something nowadays) or I might have been in withdrawal from my sjw, but for whatever reason, I really needed to cry, and was able to.  I began crying about Martin.  I didn't want to destroy him, I didn't want to ruin him - I was sure that he was in danger if he and I became friends - I was sure that he was a healthy, innocent person who would become a victim of the electronic attacks if he and I became friends or had any contact with each other.  But I felt a sense of inevitability, that something was going to happen soon between us, that very soon we were going to connect with each other somehow, and I was terrified that he would be at risk because of interacting with me.

Well, it was an amusing incident where he made a joke about me, actually was kind of making fun of me, but not really - I called him on the phone, at work, to ask him a work-related question, and he joked to a co-worker that I was 'talking dirty to him' on the phone.  The co-worker told me what he said.  I thought it was funny, and he apologized to me -  but the result was that I gave him my phone number and asked him to call me at home.  This was the 'we are inevitably going to connect with each other' incident.

Then, 'they' got involved.  That is, they got involved more than they already had been.  I'm making a long story short, but there was an incident where I thought that I had been drugged by somebody while I was sleeping, because I woke up having strange drug side effects that were different from St. John's Wort or any drug that was in my house.  I was then forced to write word-for-word an email to him where they sat there dictating exactly what I would say and how I would say it.  A lot of puppeteering incidents happened where I was forced to say or write certain things to him that I would not otherwise have said, things which were not natural for me to say or do.  So, they were very involved.

Very quickly, he stopped replying to my emails, and then told me that he had another girlfriend.  I was then forced to send him more emails every time I used my sjw, all summer while he was gone, when he went home from school.  I had to use my sjw to do my tasks and projects, and every time I used it, they took advantage of the drug making me more suggestible, and they would dictate word-for-word what I would say to him in emails, and they would wake me up every morning with some new thought or question that I absolutely had to ask him in another email - while I was no longer receiving any replies from him.  I no longer knew whether he was even getting my emails or not.

And I was terrified because they had done this exact same thing to me before, and it resulted in my getting convicted of harassment and thrown into a mental hospital, in 2003.  That was when the attacks began - 2003, during the harassment court case, when I finally became aware that I was being attacked, that it wasn't just me, that I wasn't just weird or clingy or neurotic, but instead, I was being forced, as a puppet, to chase after guys who wanted to avoid me, who would then accuse me of stalking and harassment.  So I was terrified that this would happen again.

Well, Martin came back from summer vacation and we began to pass each other at work again, but not say anything to each other.  I no longer knew if he was getting my emails, because I thought the hackers could be interfering.  I have known about computer hackers since 2000, when the problems first became very noticeable - it was 2000 when I became aware of the existence of hacking/cyberstalking/cyberharassment, and 2003 when I became aware of electronic mind control and nonlethal/electronic weapon attacks (and how the hacking and the weapons were connected - but aren't always necessarily).

So right now I have just been trying to avoid Martin and not harass him and not contact him or send him any emails or do anything that would cause him to accuse me of harassment or stalking.  But I wanted to clarify whether or not he was actually receiving my emails, or whether some hacker interfered and prevented either his, or mine, from reaching the recipients.  So that is the question that I will be talking to him about next week whenever we talk to each other in person.  I only hope that he is able to speak to me for a few minutes and able to answer honestly.

But because of this, I am even more traumatized about trying to meet new people.  I know that if I tell them the truth, they will be freaked out, they won't understand, they'll avoid me, or whatever.  Or if we do connect and bond with each other, then we might not be able to communicate online because the hackers will screw up the emails, and maybe a really good relationship will be interfered with.

So on my profile I told all the scary information about how I experience electronic harassment and I hear voices, and I'm eccentric and unconventional in just about every way imaginable, and I have unusual countercultural beliefs and practices - and yet still, clueless people are emailing me and acting like this is a perfectly normal thing and there's nothing to talk about, and like they didn't even notice anything strange written on my profile.

So I have to reply to someone and feel like I am being tortured (emotionally) and need to cry and can't bear to try meeting people again.  But I HAVE TO in order to accomplish the goal - I have set the goal for myself that by the end of this year, December 2009, I will have met somebody who I will accept as my future husband, someone willing and able to cooperate with me on raising children, someone who will stay with me for about two decades, which will be long enough to at least get the children through adolescence.

It hurts badly to try to disconnect from Martin and let him go.  And I didn't even think that he was going to become my husband, or anything like that - I just felt very strongly attracted to him and wanted to be close to him, to be his friend, to touch him and hug him, but not necessarily to have a sexual relationship unless he wanted to - it wasn't necessary.  I enjoyed our couple of telephone conversations, what little we had; I enjoyed our couple of emails before the emails were interrupted; I enjoyed being close to him for the couple of minutes of our few brief face-to-face conversations.  I loved the sound of his voice, I loved his style of thinking, I loved his expressions of feelings and emotions, and his observations about people - but again, I have so little to go on, so few real conversations, that it was only just a hunch or impression, and I didn't get to learn enough about him or get to know him more realistically, to see what kind of person he really is, to be a friend at the very least even if we would not be 'dating' or having a sexual relationship.  I still feel strongly bonded to him and when I try to meet new people, I have to force myself to go against this feeling, this tearing apart of a connection.

A lot of it was probably fake - they put him into my mind every day.  I think that I would have been able to forget about him, if it had not been for the voices trying to make me write to him and talk to him every day all these months.  But now, it really is real - every time I see him, I feel pain because we have been separated and unable to talk and interact, when I so enjoyed being close to him during the brief times when we talked.  I just wanted to get used to him, see him as an ordinary person, a friend, instead of some exaggerated fantasy person or some idealized concept.

The boring new people who I try to meet just don't catch my attention and they seem like they're not worth getting to know.  I look at the profiles and their two or three lines of bland descriptions.  And even though I hardly got to write or talk with Martin at all, he still seemed interesting enough that I enjoyed his company.  I told him he seemed 'interesting' and that was all that I got the chance to tell him.  Maybe he would have seemed more normal or mundane if only we had spent more time talking to each other.  I would have been able to get a realistic feeling about him, instead of some exaggerated infatuation.  I didn't even get the chance to do that, to take him for granted as a normal, mundane, real person instead of some fantasy person.

Well, I am looking forward to next week, when I will talk to him in person, at least briefly, and try to straighten out whether or not he actually received/sent any emails, or whether they got hacked and interfered with.  I need to know that, for future reference, and also I need to know it so that he and I can decide what to do with our friendship, our connection, whatever it is - although from HIS point of view, there might not be any friendship or connection at all.  I arranged with his friend to hand him a brief note that I have written, and she will, and I have the note, and just need to wait for him to come back from break.  I hope to get that settled enough that decisions can be made about what to do, and maybe we will 'disconnect' from each other enough that I can meet new people more easily, or else we will 'reconnect' and actually have a real friendship instead of this ... this indescribable disaster that we have now.