Well, this is going to be a very long entry. I know it's not easy to read the very long entries, and they're something I put up mainly to make myself feel better. People can just skim through and get a general idea. I write because I am soothed by the activity of typing on a computer. That's different from when I'm writing intentionally for some purpose or for some particular audience.
Yesterday afternoon I visited my outdoor pot of St. John's Wort - it was actually AFTER I wrote all the blog entries earlier in the day. The plant was brown and dried out, but I was able to inhale a small amount by just breathing near it. I have found that I'm able to get a useful dosage from very small amounts of the vapor that the plant emits.
I felt that it was necessary to use it because I have to deal with something bad that is going on. It makes me more able to focus mentally and more able to do certain kinds of work, anything challenging or unusual or non-routine. But it turns me into a puppet, so that I write word-for-word things that I am being forced to say.
The thing going on is that my landlord doesn't want me to renew my lease, because of how I had to have the windows open in the middle of winter. He told me that he is tired of having one disaster after another, every year, having to do with me, and it's always something new and unexpected. He wants my lease to just expire, but he's not just evicting me right this instant. So the lease expires in July, I think it is, but also, I have to get the apartment ready to show to people much earlier than that.
I found out a couple weeks ago that there is mold on a wooden shelf under the sink, and whenever I use the sink at all, the mold somehow gets wet and starts to smell. And yes, it is BLACK mold. So I ended up showing it to my landlord and we tried to figure out how the water was dripping onto the mold. It might be preventable, based on what we saw. However, he's not convinced that just getting rid of the moldy shelf will be enough to prevent another unforeseen disaster of some kind, and he is sick of dealing with my disasters.
I had seen that after I used the dishwasher, the water had leaked down onto the mold, and gotten it 'activated' again and it smelled awful. And I opened up that cabinet door, and the moldy smell came out, and I almost threw up and almost passed out. I was then stumbling and uncoordinated, could not walk straight, and almost fell. It is extremely toxic and it makes me so sick that I'm convinced that is what was affecting me all winter. It gets really bad in the winter because the windows are closed. In the summer, if it happens, the windows are open and I don't notice it as badly, although I'm still affected by it.
So I still have a couple days to discuss this with my landlord and decide whether or not I insist on renewing my lease. I think removing the moldy shelf will help, along with putting something waterproof down in there so that further dripping won't create moldy wood. However, I can't reassure him that there will be no disaster of any kind next winter. The disasters are unpredictable.
Well, that is what's going on with the landlord and my apartment.
Whenever I use sjw, I describe it as making me into a 'puppet.' That means that I feel as though I lose almost all control of what I say, and I say (or write) whatever they are forcing me to say. In phone conversations, I just don't HAVE anything to say, and I don't enjoy phone conversations. But they force me to fill in the blank spaces with something, so I will say things that I think are pointless small talk.
I don't talk about these phenomena much while I am off sjw. My mental phenomena aren't understood or experienced by ANYONE I know, except other online bloggers who talk about the same subject. But when I am on sjw the puppet phenomenon is so noticeable that I have to write about it and, if I can, apologize for not being myself.
I already know what my family and most of my friends think about the voices phenomena. They interpret the voices as being a symptom of an illness or psychological problem. I know a couple other people who interpret the voices (and other attacks) as being something psychic, paranormal, or supernatural, where the voices are caused by spirits, or wherever psychic voices come from, and I experience them because I'm psychic. Whereas I interpret them as being the result of a living, external, human attacker using a weapon or system on me - and I don't know the technical details of the system being used to do it.
A couple reasons why I usually don't talk about it. It's true, I experience voices, and various kinds of attacks, EVERY DAY without exception. But I only talk about it sometimes. I don't want friends and family to worry about me, to be anxious that something is wrong. I don't want them to feel helpless - there's nothing they can do about it. It hurts them to hear about a bad thing that they can't fix, over and over again, something awful that won't go away.
I don't like having to argue and explain about something that I already know is true. It's the feeling that arguing isn't getting anything useful done. I already know what needs to be done: I need to find safe locations and/or build a shield that works. I trust my own observations, and I trust the technical information that I have read, and I know that these attacks are, as I said, a living human (or several) using something technological. It gets irritating and frustrating to try to argue with people who cannot be convinced of it.
Also, I worry because it is extremely traumatic whenever you finally conclude that electronic mind reading and mind control is real and that it's happening to everyone every day. I survived that traumatic experience, but I really don't WANT to successfully convince my friends and family to agree with me! I don't want them going through the same thing I went through whenever I accepted that interpretation. I don't have any recommendations for what to DO about it, because I've wanted to work on designing and building effective shields, for a long time now, and I can't do it because of the chaos of my life, the constant illnesses and disasters, the job losses, etc. So I don't have any suggestions for how people can protect themselves whenever they accept that the attacks are technological.
So I usually avoid upsetting people, and upsetting myself in an argument about a subject where 1. I doubt that the other person in the discussion will ever change their mind and agree with me, and 2. IT WOULD BE A BAD THING IF THEY DID! I don't WANT to force other people to experience what I experience, and in a way I'm HAPPY if they continue to disagree with me. It means they're not experiencing it!
Also, there was a piece of advice that I followed from a book that I read years ago. I used to try meditating, and I was reading a book called 'How To Meditate' by Lawrence Leshan. I gave up on meditating - I started noticing that I would experience a painful electrical shock sensation over my whole body at the stroke of ten minutes, if I assigned myself to meditate for ten minutes. In other words I couldn't just freely meditate for longer than I had planned, or try something else afterwards, but instead got a painful zap that awakened me suddenly. And nowadays, I can meditate for about three seconds before getting the electrical shock, and/or a voice in my head. So I no longer try to meditate unless I am very sick and in conflict with the voices and I have to meditate in order to endure the passage of time while I try to sleep. This is usually if I get an accidental drug exposure from the contamination in the house (one of the other subjects that I don't argue about with people anymore).
Well, this book said that if you start meditating, you might start to have more frequent 'psychic' experiences. These are incidents where you accurately think of a piece of secret information that you couldn't know, or accurately predict something that does, in fact, happen. Or other psychic phenomena. The author said that he advised his students to NOT brag about being psychic, and not brag about the incidents when they happened ("I'm more psychic than you are" "I predicted you would say that") because it became competitive, and competing to be the 'most psychic person' was a distraction from the real purpose of meditating, which was self-knowledge and self-improvement. People would get a sense of superiority from being psychic and knowing more things than other people knew. He advised his students, instead, to just accept those incidents when they happened. You see it, you can't help noticing 'Hey, I heard the phrase "orange shoes", and fifteen seconds later, a guy wearing bright orange shoes walked in the room!' You can't help noticing those things when they happen, but he said to just accept it, and ignore it if you can, and don't brag or boast about how psychic you are, and how you have a 'power' that other people don't have.
And also, I avoid telling every detail of what I experience every day, because then the person attacking me says, 'Hey! I'm famous!' and does something else to get attention.
I don't experience these phenomena as a 'power.' That was something that I argued through in the beginning, in the early years, when it was most difficult and I was adjusting to it. I can't CHOOSE what information I would like to look at! For instance, of course, I attempted to 'psychically remote view' information that would answer the question: At the physical level, of atoms and molecules and electromagnetic phenomena and all that, HOW DO PSYCHIC EVENTS HAPPEN? Of course, I wasn't able to get that answer in detail. I got a lot of stuff that I disagreed with, though. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get psychic answers to the questions that I really wanted to know. So I decided that the word 'power' does not describe psychic phenomena. You get whatever 'the voices' decide to give you. You don't get to go out and search for whatever you want to know.
I also saw (on the internet, reading the web pages of fellow sufferers) that sometimes people who experience electronic attacks still do interpret themselves as having psychic power, in addition to being the target of electronic attacks. I had a couple things happen in that interpretation. First, it felt to me like an illusion of power. You feel powerless, so you convince yourself that there's at least SOMETHING you can do about being attacked. The other thing that happened to me personally was that I would get artificial images and fantasies where I attacked a person psychically, who was EXCITED about the fact that I attacked them. They found it either hilarious or exciting, and they encouraged me to think about attacking them, and then would give me dreams at night about how I was attacking them. It seemed like a false illusion of power when in fact you can't do anything, and it seemed like a way of entertaining them, and of course, it didn't get any results. The desired result was that if you psychically attacked them, they would die or get scared away, permanently, and never do anything to you again. That never worked! They were always there again the next day.
So I liked the interpretation that it was electronic. The material that I read about electronic weapons DID attempt to describe in detail how it works. It seemed like that was the right direction for me to go, the interpretation that felt right, because it focused on answering questions about how stuff happens at the molecular level. That's what I wanted to know about. If it's God, if it's supernatural, if it's psychic, if it's paranormal, if it's ghosts and spirits, I STILL want to answer the question: how does it work? And the only way to answer that was to read the technology-oriented material. And if you understand the physical phenomena of how it works, that's the most direct way to know what to do about it. (There are other aspects of the problem, the forensic work of finding out WHO is attacking you, where the attacks come from, why they're doing it, etc, and that involves understanding criminal psychology in addition to just knowing the technical information.)
And, strangely enough, my best-loved piece of software of all time - it's underpriced, they should charge $1000 instead of the $400 or $500 that they actually charge. This software, Propellerheads Reason, a music-writing software - I found it by accident in the early part of this decade, somewhere like 2001 or so. You get to fiddle with knobs and dials, and listen to how it changes the sound, on a simulated electronic synthesizer. Because of my experience playing with Reason, I can actually understand the meaning of words like 'modulator' and 'carrier' whenever I read them in the technical-engineering descriptions of how it works when somebody puts voices in your head. I can almost imagine how two different waves add up to a new wave that sounds like a voice. So Reason - something I love - actually helped me to understand something I hate.
The other 'psychic power' argument says that if you obey the voices, follow their suggestions, you'll benefit from it. They tell you things you need to know. Therefore it's a 'power.' I was angered by that idea right away. Obedience is power? What if you don't WANT to do what the voices tell you? What if you really, really want to do something different, but the voices tell you to do something else? And if you go against them, bad things will happen to you? That doesn't seem like power to me. The power to do what somebody tells you to do! Sure, there are lots of situations where, if you obey what someone tells you to do, you'll get material rewards. That doesn't mean you have 'power' because you are doing what somebody tells you to do.
Plus, whenever the attacks really became noticeable, in 2003, it wasn't at all pleasant or helpful. Occasionally they told me secret pieces of information that I couldn't have known, which would later turn out to be true. But most of the time, it was nightmares about handling fecal material, or having somebody zap me and try to make me throw up, or zapping me awake at 3:00 AM, or hearing voices that said disgusting things or meaningless nonsense that I couldn't understand. Those weren't pleasant or helpful experiences, so I disagreed about any 'psychic power' interpretations from the very beginning. It definitely wasn't a power. If it WAS 'psychic,' it was a curse, not a power.
But in order to FIX the problem, I wanted to understand the atomic/molecular/physical details of HOW IT HAPPENS. I read some occasional things about what happens if somebody has an evil spirit and needs to get rid of it - in fact, Judith Swack's treatment took that approach - I still, to this day, don't know for sure whether Judith Swack was involved in the events that began to happen at that time. But part of her therapy was an attempt to chase away evil spirits by using prayers and verbal statements. At the time she was treating me, I actually DIDN'T HAVE the phenomena which started up AFTER she treated me. I was only having problems with computer hackers back then, not voices - or rather, I wasn't consciously aware of the voices, and they didn't do extremely destructive/torturing/abusive things like they did later on. So anyway it wasn't good enough to just try to chase away evil spirits using prayers/chants etc. I wanted to understand 'What IS an evil spirit then? What is it made of? What devices can record and observe it? How does an evil spirit WORK, at the level of "one molecule bumps into another molecule"?'
Judith Swack said a couple of suspicious things during our phone therapy when this began. I was trying to explain to her that somebody was hacking my computer and harassing me. I'm not sure if this had happened yet, but around that time, somebody was also spying on my window, and then sending me emails with pictures of a similar-looking woman, standing in the same position, doing the same thing I was doing, but it wasn't an actual picture of me. So I was trying to explain this to Judith Swack.
Her reaction was unusual. She acted like she knew right away that this was something significant, but she didn't talk to me about it. She got excited and said something like 'So you're one of them? But you're able to communicate a lot more clearly than most of them!' She was very excited, because I had good, clear communication skills. She said that most of the time, they weren't able to communicate what they were experiencing, very well. 'They' were a category of people, implied by Judith, but I didn't know what category, or what significance it was to her. Anybody who fits into the category of 'Somebody is spying on/harassing me,' but isn't healthy enough to communicate clearly about it.
After that, she attempted to use techniques to get me to 'reveal my secret,' especially if it was a family secret, a secret where my life might be threatened if I revealed it. But I wasn't hiding anything. I'm guessing that the 'secret' she wanted me to reveal was that she wanted me to admit that my family 'knew about' electronic mind control and was actually using the devices, with conscious knowledge. Since that wasn't true, I wasn't hiding any secrets and we didn't get anywhere trying to use techniques to get me to reveal them. I revealed a couple of irrelevant things, attempted to reveal whatever I could, but those things, to me, weren't necessarily secrets, or things that somebody might kill me for if I told about them. They were just various unpleasant things from my life history.
By the way, I wrote about this some time ago, last year, and I have noticed that I do feel different without the metallic dental filling. Back then I had more of a bitter, cynical anger, more often, because the dental filling made me feel sick - I don't think it's ONLY the mercury, I am sure that the COPPER in the filling is bad for you too. Everything I have read about metallic copper convinced me of that. Everything I've experienced - touching wet copper pennies with my hand, or the time when I pinned my hair up using copper hairpins while my hair was wet - showed me that copper makes me feel really, really sick and strange and unable to think clearly. Copper is pretty safe when it's dry, but when it's wet, it will go through the skin, and if it's in your mouth, you're swallowing it all the time. Anyway, I remember how I was writing about these 'mental phenomena' last year and I had more of a tendency to feel bitter and angry while writing. Although, that problem hasn't completely gone away - I still write with lots of endless, bitter anger whenever I feel sick for any reason at all.
(And yes, I'm still having a problem with the resin composite fillings that I have now, but that is another story. I intend to remove the plastic fillings, and replace them with nothing, leaving empty cavities, before I get pregnant. The plastic fillings have given me chronic breast pain - exactly the same type of breast pain I had while I was using a plastic retainer in my mouth after my braces were taken off, when I was a teenager. It's gotten less severe over time, but it is still there. So I don't want it affecting the future pregnancy. Every time you see a news article about the dangers of plastics and the dangers of bisphenol-A, it seems to be taboo to mention that the WORST OFFENDER in this category is PLASTIC DENTAL FILLINGS, which are never even MENTIONED in the articles! They mention things like plastic bottles that we drink out of, but those are NOWHERE NEAR as harmful as plastic dental fillings which cannot be removed from your mouth.)
(There is a taboo on the subject of plastic dental fillings being bad for you, because, as I noticed, there are no safe alternatives at all. Every type of filling is dangerous, and you're best off just not using any dental fillings at all, unless they are a temporary material like wax. I read that wax could possibly be used, but I think it would probably hold germs underneath it, and I haven't tried it. Anyway, there's a taboo on resin composite fillings, because nobody knows what to do about them. It would mean that every filling, of every kind, no matter what kind, had to be removed. I include porcelain fillings as bad, too, because they are glued down, and the glue is bad for you. The porcelain material itself might be okay. They used to use ivory, and ivory would be okay, but I don't know how it was glued in place. And there are limits on what you can do in a situation where someone's whole mouth full of teeth is all falling apart, every single tooth, which does happen - that person would simply lose all of their teeth and have nothing left. Anyway the point of mentioning this subject is that I feel differently than I did back then, last summer, partly because the metal dental filling is gone from my mouth - I feel that my mood towards other people has changed a lot. There are other reasons, too - reaching out to try to make more friends has been helpful, and learning about community.)
I had to look over this long entry again. Psychic power, Judith Swack, dental fillings, community, electronic devices, what's happening at the molecular level... What else was I going to talk about?
Maybe I could post it, and if I wanted to write more, it could be a separate post.
Oh, one thing I wanted to mention. I kept promising that I was going to give a note to somebody. Last weekend was three extremely bad days in a row. We were extremely busy because of a sale that was going on and I had to make more pizzas than usual, and it also just seemed busier than usual for whatever reasons. All three days I was very stressed out and rushed.
I saw the person who I would have given the note to, but she was there only briefly, and I felt too rushed/stressed/preoccupied to calm down and get the courage to go approach her, because this problem is painful and humiliating, and I don't know her very well, so it takes a lot of courage and resolve to go up to her, even though I told her ahead of time that I was going to give her this note.
Also, I still have a very negative feeling about the whole thing, which is that I don't know the truth of what he is doing and experiencing, or why. I would not have chosen of my own free will to waste my time writing letters to a person who stopped answering - that was DEFINITELY a forced phenomenon which went on for many months and months and months. I would wake up in the morning, hypnotized, with some thought in my mind that I was supposed to try to tell him, and would write a letter to him, only to be ignored. I do not waste time with people who refuse to answer my letters - IN THE REAL WORLD. I did that because I was being forced to do it. However, I need to know whether somebody really is interfering with my email, because technically, it is easy for a malicious person to do that. If somebody prevented either my letters, or his letters, from reaching the recipient, I need to know that, because then either he or I were getting our feelings hurt, thinking the other person wasn't answering, when in fact they were. I need to know if he was voluntarily refusing to answer (in which case, I don't waste my time with him) or whether the emails were being interfered with. However, this little problem: HE KNOWS that I won't waste my time with him if I know for sure that he's VOLUNTARILY ignoring the letters, on purpose, in order to hurt me. (That's not the only interpretation. There are other reasons why someone can become unable to talk or is too afraid to confront someone.)
Whenever I get into this type of thought pattern, it's the "I know that he knows that I know that he knows..." thought pattern, called 'second guessing,' where you make decisions based on assumptions about the other person and what knowledge they have, and then you might start to do something, but change your mind about it, etc - I don't like to think that way. I usually bypass that whole thought process whenever it starts to happen. I lose patience with it. It is a duty or obligation that I have, where if I said that I am going to give a letter, then I have to. And yes, I do still hear voices telling me things about him. And yes, I am still being influenced by them. But I agree with them whenever they try to influence me to do what I said I would do, regardless of how I interpret the situation.
I had a sort of decision about this whole thing: even if he sadistically ignores people to make them suffer, and laughs at them while he reads their emails, and I'm not the only person he's doing it to, and there are dozens of other people who are unknowingly doing the same thing, trying to reach him while he deliberately ignores them - which was what the other guy was doing when this happened the first time, in 2000, and I was, again, forced to continue writing emails to him - even if that whole interpretation were true, it wouldn't matter. (To make a long story short, I eventually had a third party go look at that guy's emails and prove that yes, he was receiving them and ignoring them on purpose. He had actually bragged to me, in chat, that he deliberately ignored a woman who had insulted him once, and he acted smug about it, like 'ha ha, I got her.' I am not going to tell that story right now of what happened when I got somebody to go look at his emails. It is a very unpleasant incident and I am not proud of it.) I still know that many of my letters were forced: it's not my fault that I continued writing letters to him. And that is still in the area of technical/physical phenomena... which leads to the same final conclusion: In order to solve it, I need to understand the technical phenomena and protect myself using technological methods such as effective shielding, along with social support and forensic work.
I can remember certain things that he (the more recent guy who I met last year) wrote in the 'disappearing blog' that made it sound like maybe he had experienced incidents of trying to reach people (through email or something) and they hadn't acknowledged that he had said anything. But again, I am not going to just try to interpret something that happened, using my limited information, when the result is the same: I have to solve it at the technical level, and also, at the level of obligation/duty to do what I said I would do, which is deliver the handwritten note even though it is very difficult. I still have to take the same actions regardless of how I interpret his motives, his behavior, whether it was voluntary or forced, whether he's a 'puppet/victim/fellow sufferer' versus a 'consciously knowing voluntary attacker who hurts and attacks people of his own free will and is fully responsible for his own actions.' Or whether I can argue that some other interpretation is true, that he does this because of a psychological/personality disorder, or some other similar problem.
Two reasons why this blog is so long today: 1. I took sjw yesterday, and 2. I've had a stomach virus all night long and most of the day, so I haven't eaten, and have no energy, and all I can do to entertain myself is sit here writing.
I saw a movie yesterday. The decision to go see that movie was a puppet incident. I don't usually go out to the movie theater and randomly pick a movie I haven't heard of and go see it. I don't have TV, and also, I have dialup internet, so I never see movie previews or movie trailers. I would have to just read movie reviews, and I don't bother doing that - I don't go to many movies.
So I 'randomly' went out in my car, and 'ended up' at the movie theater. I didn't know what to watch. So I watched the one that said it had been nominated for a bunch of academy awards. It turns out that this movie was relevant to understanding my own situation and understanding people based on the personality type system, the enneagram.
There are a few personality types who do really, really horrible things in certain situations. If they have been abused or abandoned as children, if they become physically ill, if anything really bad goes wrong in their lives, if a couple other things happen, then these particular personality types are the ones who become sadistic psychopaths and sociopaths, people who deliberately hurt other people without feeling remorse, without understanding the other person's point of view at all. Everybody hurts other people in small ways, or tells white lies sometimes, or gets sick and gets in a bad mood, but there are categories of people who end up telling major lies, all of the time, and doing extremely terrible things deliberately to cause suffering, such as physical torture, murder, or physical enslavement of other people - and not just once or twice, not just occasionally, but often, and again and again, especially if something stressful happens in their life. If they're healthy, they don't do that. Again, it's linked to child abuse, illness, severe misfortune, and some other things.
If you are a normal, healthy person, and somebody tries to explain to you, 'So-and-so did this small, petty, bizarre thing to me deliberately,' they think that you're crazy, because nobody would ever do such a thing. If you are healthy, you can't imagine that other people are sadistically abusive and do small, petty, insane things to somebody. You can't imagine that those people really exist. For instance, somebody deliberately moves and hides an important piece of paperwork that was on your desk in the office. You complain about it, but everybody says that you were just absent-minded or disorganized and it's your fault that you lost it. But you know you didn't lose it. That was happening to somebody at a place where I worked, State of the Art, Inc., in 2001-2003 (if I recall the dates, I'm not sure) which is a 'government-supported business,' so to speak, involved with military and radio frequency weapons - and I didn't know that whenever I got hired there - so I strongly suspect employees of State of the Art as being connected with the phenomena that I experience. That's one theory, anyway. It began after I left there. And they are involved in 'radio frequency applications,' and they're military. I was hired there as a temporary office worker, doing filing and data entry, and the computer hacking/harassment was happening while I worked there. So there was another lady in the office who was viewed as mentally unstable and strange, an 'unreliable source,' where if she loudly complained that somebody was stealing files off her desk and hiding them, everybody said she was just crazy and it was her own fault. I think she was right, I think she was telling the truth, I think she was interpreting correctly. So again, that makes me suspect employees (or former employees) of SOTA as 'consciously aware perpetrators' (instead of puppets or fellow sufferers), people who are in control of their own actions and are NOT being remotely forced as a 'puppet,' people who actually own, operate, and understand the equipment and systems used for the purpose of hurting and controlling other people, and they consciously know they're doing it, and do it voluntarily because they want to, because they believe it's okay to do that.
In this movie, one of the main characters happened to be one of the personality types that becomes psychopathically murderous. The movie was all about one of the people who she hurt very, very badly (emotionally). During the movie, he tried to understand her, struggled to understand her motives, her point of view, why she did what she did. And it was one of the rare occasions when psychopaths were actually caught and put on trial and questioned about their motives for murdering other people. (Usually, they don't commit broad-daylight murder, and they don't get caught, and it doesn't happen on the huge scale that it happened in this movie, which was from a historical time period... in Germany... in the 1940s.)
The reason for her behavior was because she had a humiliating secret, something she was so ashamed of that she felt if anybody knew about it, she would be seen as utterly worthless, laughable, a completely rejected human being, 'scum of the earth.' She kept hiding that secret throughout the movie and it was one of the motives for why she did what she did. And there REALLY IS a personality type who behaves that way.
The part that I identified with was 'somebody disappears and doesn't tell you why they left or where they're going or what happened.' Only in the movie, she didn't do it deliberately to hurt him, but rather, she was callous to any suffering that she caused, and it was more focused on how she had to keep hiding her secret. She wasn't necessarily hurting him in order to be sadistic and cause pain deliberately, because she cared about him. And I was identifying with his point of view, because I know how it feels when somebody suddenly stops answering, and avoids you, and refuses to speak to you, in any way, about anything, when originally they seemed to be at least a friend. It goes beyond merely being too busy to call someone back. It is total, all-encompassing avoidance and refusal to communicate. (Assuming that email was working properly, and he has the ability to respond if he chooses to.) In the movie, she thought that hiding her secret was more important than being honest with the guy and telling him the reasons why she felt like she had to leave. She didn't tell him the stress of what she was experiencing, or talk about any alternatives for how she would deal with the problem.
Our country doesn't have quite the extreme level of broad-daylight murder that happened in 1940s Germany - WITHIN the country itself, AMONG the citizens of the country. The murders and imprisonment are still happening, in other countries, with Iraq and Guantanamo and other places, but we don't have the 'concentration camp next door' phenomenon, unless you count the prisons - but again, prisons are not openly murdering millions of people, and they still allow family to visit, at least for some of the prisoners. So prisons aren't at that level either. And the actual murders, the bombing of cities, is happening in other countries, where ordinary citizens of the USA can't do anything about it.
('Bombing the cities' is a military strategy that I simply will never, never understand at all. As in, what good it could possibly do, for anybody, anywhere. I just cannot imagine anything, ANYTHING the slightest bit useful about bombing a city, killing civilians, destroying churches and grocery stores, streets, houses, etc. The people being killed are ordinary civilians who have no connections whatsoever to any fighting. It would be like bombing State College PA because the United States is causing the value of the dollar to collapse. It makes no sense and does nothing useful for anyone, and has no connection to solving the problem. This is why I understood what he was saying, when a journalist recently wrote a blog from North Korea, describing how the citizens were glad to be outdoors in the warm spring weather, during the forced vote where they unanimously voted to re-elect Kim Jong Il again. People complained that he seemed to be saying it was all okay, and that Korea was a nice place to live, etc, and he said something like, 'No, I was just trying to show that these people are human, not evil monsters, and they are still living their daily lives.' The commenter responded, 'Nobody ever SAID they were all evil monsters.' But I know what he means: if you 'bomb the cities,' you don't mind killing all the civilians, because everybody in that country is insane/evil monster etc, so killing civilians doesn't matter. People can just say, 'Oh, everybody in North Korea is crazy. They're not like us, they're different. It's okay to just kill them all indiscriminately.')
The people in the movie were enabled to be as murderous as they were, because the whole country, and the government, was openly advocating it and supporting it. They could not have done anything at such a huge scale all by themselves.
In this country, when people are psychopathic or sociopathic, they still have to be secretive about it, and they cannot openly murder huge numbers of people at once. They are doing something terrible, but it is not at that magnitude.
I didn't actually 'LIKE' the movie. But I understood it and thought it was a good movie. I was so engrossed in the movie that I could not bear to walk out whenever I had to go to the bathroom really, really badly, LOL, and I waited as long as I could, then I dashed out and came back as quickly as possible, and I missed an important moment in the movie - I came back, and they were in a courtroom, and I was like 'Whoa! What happened? Why are we in a courtroom?' So I got very involved in the movie. It wasn't one that I'm going to buy on videotape and watch it a hundred times like I have done with my other movies. It gave me a very bad feeling and I went home and watched another, more cheerful, movie at home. But even though it was an awful feeling, the movie was excellent. There really IS no 'happy ending' that can be made from the subject of 1940s Germany, unless you change it to a fantasy of something that didn't actually happen, an imaginary happy ending that wasn't real. And it's not easy to do something like that to something so terrible.
Well, I did say this was a long blog post.
I am still going to give my note to this person. If he reads my blog, he already knows that it is merely a note asking about the emails. And that really is what it is. It has to be done because I said it would be done. And I had a terrible three days last week, and saw the one girl only briefly and didn't ever feel that I could go give it to her. But I have to assume the worst: this is a disinformation war. In this disinformation war, I don't know whether he receives my emails or if I receive his. I don't know if he is able to get on a computer and read my blog, or whether some hacker has made it impossible for him to get to the web page. I simply don't know what to assume. I am taking this as an obligation or duty that I have to communicate about this to him so that he at least has a CHANCE to understand: I didn't receive letters from you, and I was sending letters to you. Meanwhile, he will eventually graduate and will probably go to some other city to live in, I assume, although I don't know, and I will get used to his absence, while at the same time, wishing him the best, even though I don't understand him or what he did. There are different interpretations, some of them more forgivable than others ('somebody was threatening to kill me/you/someone else,' etc), but I don't know which interpretations are correct. And I did not, and do not, have control over the forced urges to write emails to him, and *I DON'T WANT* to write emails to somebody who refuses to answer. That is harmful and hurtful to me, and it is a waste of my life.
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