loneliness and sickness today

i am feeling sick today, but for the past couple days, it's been my stomach.  for whatever reason, i am focused on martin and i asked cait if i could (finally) give her another note to give to him.  i am keeping my distance because i don't understand what it is that he is afraid of - i mean specifically.  when i feel sick, i am not as good at being quiet and avoiding him.

today ... whoa, i'm writing this in the wordpress typing form itself and when i hit enter, it double-spaces my line.  i usually type up my blogs into my opera notes first instead of typing them directly into the wordpress form.  anyway, today i feel unbearably lonely and miserable.  it's because i'm sick and i'm frustrated with being sick for so long - these past couple months it has been one thing after another.  today it is that type of loneliness where nothing feels like what i want to be doing, where it seems like nobody anywhere can possibly understand me.

i had the dating profile on POF and in the beginning, i had just barely even begun, and i just typed some sort of blah-blah-blah-i-need-to-fill-this-space-until-i-have-time-to-write-my-real-profile kind of thing.  that got the most results from clueless guys trying to contact me, when i hadn't even uploaded a photo yet, and i hadn't warned them about the fact that my life is not normal and that i am looking for someone who can understand and tolerate a lot of really strange and awful things.  after i finally wrote up the real profile, people immediately stopped contacting me, which was kind of the intention, but also, it kind of hurts at the same time.  it's wishful thinking to imagine that people will actually keep trying to contact me after i have told them the truth in my profile.  the goal is that i myself am supposed to contact THEM, not just sit waiting for people to contact me.  but all the profiles that i have looked at are clueless people who write two lines of nothingness.  and the intelligent people are always far away in distant cities, and there's only a small percentage of them.

darn it, that double space return key again.   anyway i can hardly even sit long enough to type a blog.  i will probably come back here and type another blog five minutes from now.  i'm very ADHD right now, partly because i've been drinking a lot of fruit juice, which is one of the things that my stomach is able to tolerate right now.