letter to martin; compulsive lying

i've mostly been blogging on my non-anonymous blog (see my 'about me' page) the past couple weeks. last night i gave cait a note to give to martin.  it said very little, just asked if he was getting the emails and if it was ok for me to talk to him.  i have been getting hit with voices since then, and all the voices are trying to anticipate and predict how martin will respond to this note.  they're testing all the different interpretations that i have, such as 'martin is a jerk and he's hurting me deliberately,' 'martin is clueless and hasn't even looked at his emails and/or isn't getting them,' 'martin never reads my blog and has no idea what's going on in my life,' 'i have no relevance to his life whatsoever,' and a whole lot of other negative ideas. i would have stopped writing to him long ago except that i was being forced to wake up with some idea in my head that i had to say to him, and then, usually, they would put words into my mouth, and i would write the dictation word-for-word what they wanted me to say and how they wanted me to say it. they also gave me the theory that he thinks i'm a compulsive liar, and that i don't really hear voices, and i made the whole thing up just to get attention.  total distrust and total rejection of my whole world and everything i experience.  contempt for me and dismissal of me.  i was reading a forum post on the dating website (you know what, this is my anonymous blog, and it's not directly connected with my name - so, i'm on plentyoffish.com, under "inner_silence", which represents the mind-state that i wish i could experience... warning, there is a photo that shows my 'unorthodox' grooming preferences).  and somebody was describing how her former husband turned out to be a compulsive liar.  i don't know if he was just lying about specific subjects, or if he was one of those extremely compulsive liars who lie spontaneously all the time about trivial things, like 'what color shirt was he wearing' and that sort of unimportant thing.  anyway that got me thinking about the phenomenon of lying, and i googled it, and started thinking that martin might believe i'm lying about everything i ever said to him, and he dismissed all of it and ignored me for that reason.

i don't know how long i'll have to wait for a reply or if he will bother to write one.  he wrote one the last time i gave him a handwritten note.  however, the last note was when i was on st. john's wort, and when i'm on that drug, i am more suggestible, and they screw up my writing a lot more.  and 'they' filled my writing with loads and loads of crap, wasted space, bad writing, unclear thinking, pedantic, etc - it ended up being two full pages front and back.  that happens when i am trying to write while 'they' simultaneously force me to say all kinds of stuff.

so in his reply he said 'i read SOME of your note,' as though he hadn't even read the whole thing.  so i made it like a couple sentences long this time.

it isolates someone when you just assume that everything they say is a lie, just to get attention.  to them, your whole universe doesn't even exist.

well, i will just wait and see what he does.