i loved martin

Just recently 'they' decided it would be okay for me to try, once again, to find a guy to go out with. So I went on the dating website and looked for a fuck buddy, not hoping for much more than that, just someone to be with. I found a guy and talked with him a bit but I haven't actually met him yet and I have no idea how it will go in the real world when we are together.

Meeting a new guy made me remember Martin. I remember how fascinated I was with him, how I was curious about everything he was interested in, everything he said and wrote. I remember listening to him on the phone, when we had our one real conversation. I listened to him with a look of joyous rapture on my face - I remember just listening and loving the sound of his voice.

I was a puppet, being forced to do everything I did and forced to say everything I said. Our emails were probably being interfered with - I don't know for sure. We had a couple emails where he definitely was speaking to me, and then I became unable to get any replies, even though 'they' repeatedly forced me to email him against my will. I wanted to stop emailing whenever I stopped getting replies, but they made me keep trying, and the worse it got, the more they put fake words in my mouth to say to him.

But the very few conversations we had, in email and on the phone, were amazing and fascinating and exciting. I don't know how much of that feeling was real. I can't remember it. I know that it happened, but I can't remember.

I hate being a puppet and I hate being controlled and having my emails and phone calls blocked. I would have been able to fall in love long ago. Maybe not with Martin, but with SOMEONE. I don't know what would've happened with Martin, but it would have been very different from the way it was - none of the constant attacks forcing me to say things to him, while I fought back and refused to say the unnatural things they wanted me to say.

I don't know what will happen with my latest attempt to find someone. Like I said, I'm just looking for a 'fuck buddy.' I'm not looking for perfection. I'm not expecting to find a husband.