crying while texting

11:20 PM 1/31/11

I was texting the guy who I met online who I haven't yet seen in the real world. He wants to talk about sex and have cybersex. I was trying, but I can't actually masturbate and have an orgasm during cybersex. I can have an orgasm with a real person touching me, but not during cybersex. I've never been able to. I used to go to chatrooms in the past and sometimes cybered with people and I got a little bit of vicarious enjoyment out of it, imagining that THEY were enjoying themselves, but there's a limit to how much I myself can enjoy. I have to be relaxed and totally focused on the person.

This reminds me of the enneagram type three, where they say it has two modes: feeling mode and functioning mode. That has to do with the scrambling of the centers - it's something technical in one of the Riso and Hudson books. I can't 'function' while also 'feeling' at the same time. I can't type and focus my mind on writing and doing something and performing, while also feeling my emotions and sexual feelings and getting involved in sex.

But that wasn't all that happened. I started crying. It might have been made worse because I was hungry, but also I was crying because I don't love this guy. He's good looking enough, he's attractive, and actually I feel that I am much uglier than he is. But I don't love him. I cried and I was remembering Curtis.

I already know that I don't love this guy. We haven't had any bonding experiences and I don't think he will ever really understand me even if we did have some kind of bonding experience. I am going to keep trying a little bit and I will try to meet him, but I am going against a broken heart, by force.

Not only that, but he seems to have been lying about being uncircumcised. I'm not quite sure how to confront that just yet. He had the gall to actually send me a picture where, no matter how hard I look, I can't see a foreskin. I'm not absolutely sure, because the foreskin gets pulled down sometimes when it's erect. But I'm suspicious enough. I made an anonymous account and was asking for men who were uncircumcised. I am going to have to look at some of the other people who replied if that is what I am trying to do. I don't enjoy cybersex, and I was looking for something other than what he is, so this probably won't work out.

I can't imagine lying - it's so short-term. Doesn't he know that it's inevitable that I will find out? It's a transparent lie. Maybe he's hoping that once he has his foot in the door, it won't matter anymore.