I went out and took a walk

2:54 PM 1/24/11

I'm off work today. I wrote in the forums a bit and then wrote my blog and then I went out and took another walk by Fisherman's Paradise. I was having an anxiety attack and I felt a bit better after taking a walk.

When I use what passes for my so-called 'intuition,' I end up blurting out whatever the voices tell me to say. The voices come from psychopathic button-pushing soul-murdering morons, so they don't usually say nice things. When we listen to things that the psychopathic murderers say to us, we get hurt. I don't like that. In a forum, I have to control what the voices are saying and make sure that I don't accidentally say cruel and hurtful things to other people, but they're usually not that obvious.

Instead, they say sneaky things, hidden messages, things with double meanings. They also put on a false persona that isn't mine. It's in the implications. It's indirect. It's what's implied by my actions and by the things I say. I don't usually catch it. I don't know that I'm sending hidden messages but other people out there can see it and it hurts them or misleads them. That makes *ME* look like the murdering psychopath instead of the button-pushers putting voices in my head.

The voices get away with saying things if I take it as a 'joke.' I'm just making a cute little joke, ha ha. That's the moment when they sneak in their messages that other people can see.

It bothers me a lot that there is more than one personality speaking for me. It isn't as harmful if it's just me alone writing in my blog. But when I am interacting with real people, 'they' can strike out and hurt people and I don't want that to happen. I am a puppet. I sometimes say things that I am forced against my will to say, and I can't control that.

I remember the time with Chris when I worked at Weis. Chris, my co-worker, had complimented my long hair (this was before my dreadlocks, so people still thought I had pretty hair). We were talking about it. 'They' suddenly got involved and acted as though this was a terrible threat, an urgent emergency, as though Chris and I were about to start having sex then and there at work. We were nowhere near any such thing and the conversation would have ended and I would have walked away and gone back to my normal life. I wasn't going to get into a relationship with Chris. However, 'they' panicked at the time when this happened.

So they suddenly forced me to 'neg' him. I don't 'neg.' I sometimes accidentally say mean things when I have PMS, but I don't 'neg' people on purpose. However, this was clearly a 'neg' and they were making me read about the seduction game at the time this was going on, too, so I knew about negging.

I felt the 'awkward pause,' when they forced me to suddenly have nothing to say, and they forced me to feel anxiety about saying nothing, and so they suddenly forced me to say, 'What is on your hat?' in a disdainful voice. I myself didn't really care about his hat. I could clearly see that he had stickers taped to his hat, and that it was a joke, and I thought it was funny, and I didn't care. He had just taken some of the stickers that we used around the deli, like a bright orange sticker that says 'PAID' and that kind of thing, and put them on his hat. This didn't bother me at all and I thought it was funny, and I didn't mean to say anything about it at all, I just accepted it as normal.

But they forced me to say that, and it hurt his feelings and made him self-conscious, and he never trusted me again after that. It was one brief little puppet-speech incident that ruined an entire friendship. His behavior towards me afterwards - I described it as though you had a trusting dog that loved you, but all of a sudden one day you kicked it, unexpectedly, and it still loved you afterwards but it always approached you timidly, expecting that it might get kicked, but still trying to love you and go up to you to get petted, because most of the time you were nice.

That is the horrible evil of being a puppet. It totally destroys trust in relationships, and I hate them for doing that. I hate them.

How do you say to people that 'the voices made me do it?' A lot of people don't believe that there literally ARE real, physical humans pushing buttons on a machine somewhere to force me to say puppet speech and think puppet thoughts. They believe, instead, that it's some repressed fragment of myself lashing out at people, some Freudian slip, some secret feeling that I won't admit that I feel. They're going to blame ME for it and they're going to think to themselves that I need to go get therapy to heal those fragmented inner selves, when in reality the only therapy I need is to put the button-pushing morons in jail - and 'jail' is a nice way of saying that I want them dead. I'm being nice, so it's 'jail.' If jail would actually prevent them from attacking me, then jail would be fine.

(I've wondered about things like, what if prisoners sneak cellular phones or other radio devices into the prisons, and they can control their attack systems from inside the prison. Prisoners really do sneak cell phones into jail. Unfortunately, a large number of prisoners are innocent victimless-crime committers, like pot smokers, so I don't want to make prison any worse than it already is for them. So I wouldn't want to start pushing for harsher controls to prevent cell phones from getting in. Cell phones are probably the only thing making life bearable for all those people who shouldn't be in there.)

Anyway.

I always get overexcited when I talk to real people. That's what happens when you go years and years hiding in your room and just going to work and then going home. When I get excited about making friends or talking to people, then 'they' get involved in it too. When other people merge with me and get to know me, they also get to know the voices, and I wish that wouldn't happen.

What's the long-term goal of writing in the forum? What will I accomplish there?