another angry rant about electronic harassment

9:47 PM 2/14/11

I haven't been this upset in a long time. I am very worried about my money but I am struggling against the murderers who want to force me to think about everything else except what I need to do.

The incident going on with his fake tattoo shirt - It upset 'them' very badly and 'they' are freaking out over this. I am trying to do important things for myself such as hunt for a job, but 'they' have been trying to force me to do less urgent things like hunt for a boyfriend on a dating website, while they of course prevent me from receiving any emails from anyone I would actually like. They are forcing me to try to do something while simultaneously causing me to fail.

And the need for a second job becomes more and more urgent. My car needs to be fixed before May, which is when the inspection is due. May seems like a long way off, but it will be here in the blink of an eye and my car won't have been fixed yet, and I know this will happen. Then I will pay fines of hundreds of dollars for driving with an old inspection sticker, which I have done several times in the past.

They have been forcing me to obsess about men and dating and dating websites. If I had plenty of free time and there weren't any urgent money problems that would be an interesting thing to think about, but it is not safe to spend all my mental energy thinking about this while simultaneously being forced to fail.

I have avoided visiting Curtis for a couple of reasons. It hurts me to be near him when I have such strong feelings for him and I am not supposed to express them. It's better if I just stay away.

But in the world of the 'puppet mafia,' nothing happens by accident. He just did this tattoo shirt thing, and it had 'trigger images' that were meaningful to the puppeteers controlling me, and they have been having a reaction of screaming hysteria because of it. They have also been upset about other things that he has put online recently.

'Tigers' and 'dragons' have been trigger images to me since this first began. The tiger is my Chinese zodiac symbol, and 'they' also used to call me a 'tiger' whenever I was having a drug reaction and screaming at the attackers when they attacked me, as though it was unusual to become very angry about the fact that you are being attacked. They have always responded by taunting me to make me even more enraged whenever I am enraged, because their goal is to make the victims murder someone else or kill themselves. This is an experience common to all of the victims, the attackers provoking rages and then making them even worse. 'Tiger' images would always be forced into my head to taunt me whenever I was enraged. The message was 'You are a tiger,' a way to make fun of me for being angry and enraged, a way to laugh at my rage and make me even more angry. They also gave me dreams about tigers.

Then I read a news article, or blog, or something, about the 'Tiger Mother' phenomenon, which reinforced the tiger symbol. The 'tiger mother' was the word for mothers in China who are extremely achievement-oriented and force their children to practice something over and over for hours until they can do it perfectly. I read this blog right around the time that I took home a little stuffed tiger from the McDonald's happy meal, and it's labeled 'Mama Tiger.'

Then there is the dragon. I'm not going to go into detail here, but there was a childhood sexual fantasy that involved an imaginary cartoon dragon, and when the attacks began in 2003, they made me become unable to think of that anymore, and it became a constant, neverending type of attack - an attack where they forced me to become unable to fantasize about anything at all while masturbating, while instead they would force disgusting and unpleasant images into my mind, or force me to see people's faces, and things like that, and doing things that were loud and obvious and meant to say, 'I'M WATCHING YOU.'

This is the same spirit as the guards at Guantanamo. Imagine being a prisoner at Guantanamo. They are all males, I assume - I don't believe they have any female prisoners there, but they might - Imagine that, even after all these years of starvation and torture, the men at Guantanamo still feel sexual urges and still need to masturbate privately sometimes, while being constantly surrounded and watched and taunted and tortured by murderers. That is the same spirit as what the attackers are doing to me. The behavior is the same: 'YOU ARE GROSS AND DISGUSTING AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY YOURSELF.' Instead of seeing masturbation as just another bodily function, as ordinary as going to the bathroom, eating, or breathing - masturbation is just an ordinary thing that you have to do to relieve sexual energy - 'THEY' act like masturbation is a VERY BIG DEAL, something big and important to get all excited about and all upset over, when actually, it is nothing.

They also act like 'IT MATTERS WHAT YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT.' They are obsessed with finding out what your fetishes are, what is unusual or 'abnormal' about your sexual fantasies, and then torturing you over that as though it matters at all. Most fantasies are not connected to reality at all and they are something you would never act on, or they are physically impossible, or whatever, and it doesn't matter to real life at all. But they act like the particular content of your sexual fantasies is LIFE OR DEATH IMPORTANT and if you think about anything which is the slightest bit 'deviant' then you will be tortured and prevented from fantasizing. They do this, while at the same time, behaving as though they are excited about it. They are simultaneously acting like they are excited, while also telling you that you are a 'bad girl' and things like that, and zapping you to prevent you from fantasizing, and telling you that the fantasies are bad and you are an evil disgusting person for thinking about that, while also acting excited. And no, I do not enjoy that. 'Bad girl' is the #1 most disgusting and repulsive thing that any human being can say to me. It is definitely a 'trigger phrase.'

The dragon image is connected to all of that. The dragon is associated with sexual fantasies and childhood drawings and the fact that they forced me to become unable to fantasize about anything at all while masturbating. Then, it turns out that Curtis also likes dragons, and he had a dragon decal on his car - and I like his artistic taste, I like the way he decorates his cars and everything he owns, and I liked the dragon, I wasn't offended by it or anything. But 'they' connected 'dragon' to Curtis partly because of that.

Both images were in the tattoo shirt - and I looked it up online, I was sure I had seen fake tattoo shirts in the past, and yes, they do sell shirts designed to look like tattoos - and he got one that has both a tiger and a dragon on it.

Those trigger images caused the people controlling me to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT. They are taking this as a 'sign' that I am supposed to go visit Curtis, that he misses me and wants to see me, that he sexually desires me, that he needs me, that he is doing things to get my attention, that he needs my help and my protection, that he doesn't want me to find another guy on a dating website.

Meanwhile, in reality, there is little or nothing that I can do for him. I can't keep him out of jail, I can't make him stop using drugs, I can't make him stop doing any other things that endanger him or that could put him in jail, and I am absolutely powerless to have any influence on him or even to set a good example. I am actually setting a BAD example for him because I live a life of constant misery and frustration. Who on earth would ever want to be like me? The only good thing about me as a role model is that I continue to choose life even in spite of living in constant misery. That is no small thing, but even so, it is a very depressing kind of role model.

So right now I've been trying to get a second job FOR MYSELF because it is URGENTLY NECESSARY and I am OUT OF MONEY while the car is about to break down. The engine is making a noise, and I know what it is, and I need to fix it before it breaks, and this is very important. I also need to fix the bumper.

I am living in Bellefonte even though I don't really want to live in Bellefonte. It's nice to be away from the auto pollution - the air pollution is slightly less bad out here - it's not really severe in State College, but I was right next to a busy road where I used to live, and I smelled exhaust there. I don't want to go back to living next to a busy road full of exhaust fumes, but I could live someplace else.

If my car breaks down, I have a long drive to work and would have to ride the bus, and also, should I even get into the story of my refrigerator and the thing that they won't let me finish fixing, the problem that prevents me from using my refrigerator, so that I am forced to eat fast food all the time instead of the food that I want to eat? So I have to go out in my car to grab something to eat, for every single meal. Every meal that I eat is fast food, because there is a problem that 'they' won't allow me to fix, at home, in my kitchen, and I cannot cook and I have to use a small fridge instead of the big one with the freezer. I do not WANT to live this way, I am doing it because the murderers will not allow me to fix the problem at home. It would be relatively easy to fix if I dedicated myself to a couple sessions of working on this problem.

To make a long story short, there is a sickening substance inside my refrigerator which gets into my food and will make me throw up if I put any food in there and eat it. And there are other problems, but they are all simple to fix, but I am physically, forcibly prevented from fixing them, and I am being forced by murderers to buy fast food for EVERY SINGLE MEAL instead of grocery shopping or cooking for myself, and THIS IS EXPENSIVE. Again, I need money for that, and I need a CAR so that I can DRIVE OUT TO GET FAST FOOD for EVERY SINGLE MEAL EVERY SINGLE DAY because of the murderers. If my car breaks down - WHEN my car breaks down - I will have to walk everywhere or take a bus, and Bellefonte is a small town without many restaurants. I will no longer be able to wake up in the morning and go downstairs and get in my car and go out to get coffee (I can't make coffee here because the murderers won't let me set up an at-home coffeemaker again) and food for breakfast.

I shouldn't have to do all those things. I don't talk about this very often, but it's my whole life, and if I lose my car, then all of this will be disrupted and I will have to change the way I do everything, all of a sudden. I won't be able to go out to eat for three meals, or more, every day, on impulse, every time I'm hungry, at the moment when I'm hungry. I will be stuck having to slowly walk everywhere or ride a bus. I will have to buy groceries instead of fast food for each and every meal. Fixing the fridge, so I can put groceries in there, will suddenly become a life-or-death urgent priority, and I will suddenly need pots and pans for cooking, but they haven't allowed me to focus on the problem of finding and buying and testing pots and pans that won't trigger my chemical sensitivity. The last time I bought a new pan, I had a bad reaction to the toxic Teflon and had to get rid of the pan. I have to choose pans made of special materials that won't make me sick.

But they won't allow me to focus my mind on activities like that. Instead it is 'more entertaining' to force me to obsess about men that I cannot have, like Curtis, or men who I cannot find, like finding someone on a dating website that I can stand to be with for five seconds without going crazy, while the murderers simultaneously prevent me from receiving any emails from people who I would actually LIKE. If anyone cool tries to email me, those emails are blocked. That might sound like a joke, but I sincerely believe they are doing that to me. They recognize 'cool' people - they know exactly who I would like. They know exactly what type I want, and if someone becomes fascinated with me or falls in love with me or has a special understanding with me and wants to join me in my life, they block that person's emails and phone calls from ever reaching me, so it seems like I am all alone in the world when actually there are people out there who like me and support me.

I can hear the noise in my car more loudly than before. I heard it just today and it upset me. This was on an errand to go withdraw money, which left me with $200 in the bank - not enough to pay rent at the end of the month - and I had my window open while ordering fast food at a drive thru window, and I could hear the engine louder than ever. It changes when the temperature changes, and it was warm outside today. A while ago, one of my McDonald's co-workers heard me driving up while she was sitting outside, and she told me, 'Your bolts are squealing.' I misheard her - she had actually said 'belts,' not 'bolts,' but I went a long time thinking it was 'bolts.' She told me she knew a lot about cars and that she might be able to fix it if she had time, but we never got to it and I forgot about it.

My engine is indeed making a squealing noise. I tried to tell the mechanic that a co-worker had told me my bolts were squealing, and, understandably, he didn't know what that meant either. That was when I went to the mechanic for something else, like an oil change or something. So then, a while later, I saw something in the magazine that my car insurance company sends me, and it had a list of serious problems that ought to be fixed before they cause even bigger problems, and 'squealing BELTS' was what they said. I recognized this and recognized that it was 'belts' not 'bolts.' If your belts are squealing then it will cause severe damage and totally destroy your engine. But you can quickly and easily fix the belts before that happens, and it's much cheaper to fix it before it happens. I NEED TO FOCUS MY MIND ON DOING THIS INSTEAD OF GOING TO DATING WEBSITES OR STALKING CURTIS. If I don't focus on this NOW, my car will soon break down, I don't know exactly when it will happen, but IT WILL HAPPEN SOMEDAY. I have no money saved and I will have to take a bunch of money from my parents. There have been many, many times in the past when I have known exactly what was going to happen in the future, but the murderers would not let me prepare for it and take action to prevent it - instead, they acted like they didn't care or like they WANTED it to happen.

THE MURDERERS aren't bothered by my taking money from my parents. They LIKE the idea of me taking money from my parents, and they have often URGED me to DELIBERATELY take money from them in the past. They act like this is a 'free ride' and I should take it easy and be happy about it, because my parents are suckers who will give away lots of free money to their worthless daughter who can't take care of herself. The murderers would like it if I just quit work and took infinite money from my parents forever instead of getting a job. At the same time, they would torture me ruthlessly whenever I lost jobs in the past, when I was totally unemployed for many months taking money from my parents. They simultaneously tell me that being unemployed and taking money is a good thing to do and a bad thing to do, while simultaneously attacking me so badly that my mind cannot rest enough to PREPARE FOR ACTION, which is what I am doing when I meditate and I motivate myself and I prepare to do what I need to do, which is the moment when they zap me and stop all of my thinking processes.

'Hate' isn't a strong enough word to describe what I feel about them. Again, this is the same spirit as the spirit of Guantanamo. When I read about former Guantanamo prisoners, I can actually relate to their experiences. Many of my nightmares have been about things that happened at Guantanamo - not so much recently, but years ago - nightmares about being forced to stick my hands into a bucket full of urine and feces and vomit and toilet paper, and that kind of thing.

So that is why, whatever is going on in Curtis's life right now, I am not going to take his tiger-and-dragon shirt, or his other stuff that he did online, as a 'cry for help' and as a sign that he 'wants me to be part of his life again' or he 'wants me to come visit him.' I do not want to go be near him and suffer the pain of being unable to express my feelings for him. I want to stay away from that. HE IS *NOT* CALLING OUT TO *ME* AND WHATEVER HE IS DOING, IT IS NOT DIRECTED AT ME AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT AND NO CONNECTION TO IT. I do not want to be forced by murderers to obsess over him when THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO, and I have my own urgent emergencies that I have to deal with RIGHT NOW.