I'm going back to being an evil lizard in a human costume again.

6:18 AM 2/4/116:18 AM 2/4/11

They woke me up and being awake feels wrong. I am exhausted.

'They' decided to change my type back to ISTP. It had been that way in the past, and 'they' decided it was ISFP, so I changed it. Now it's getting changed back.

It was their idea to suggest that I go read about socionics. Not the people in the forum. It was 'them.' So I did go look at it. It's very different from the Myers-Briggs system, but also alike in many ways.

The relationship compatibility ideas are different from anything I've ever read. It says that I am very compatible with ENFP if I'm an ISTP. My real relationships actually fit that exactly. I have been with people who I thought were ENTPs but I know for sure Rachael was an ENFP. I thought I remembered Eric being an ENTP but after I thought that, 'they' told me they remembered him being an ENFP. Men might seem more like T types because that is a masculine trait, and I might seem more like an F type because that is a feminine trait. I know from experience that nobody ever listened to me whenever I gave thinking-related advice as a child. I was a tomboy, but not as much of a tomboy as it's possible to be. I was never interested in playing with toy cars and trucks, but I did play with toy monsters and dragons. I also played with My Little Ponies and I styled their hair. I had some Barbie dolls too but they weren't my favorite toys.

I am interested in this because I want to know which person I should marry and have children with. I need to know who is likely to be a good partner in the long run. I don't want to have another breakup the way Rachael did to me, and all these years I've decided it was because she was an ENFP and I should avoid ENFPs because they would never like me.

I'm too tired to write. I shouldn't even be awake. I've had some stomach problems the past couple days and haven't been able to eat when I want to eat. So I'm hungry again.

Being a puppet of psychopathic murderers, and being an ISTP, is just about the worst combination possible. ISTPs are viewed as 'sociopaths.' Many people interpret the type description that way. I don't FEEL like an evil person. Most of the words I say are fake, forced words being spoken by someone who forces me to speak and write. Many things I have said in the forum, I was forced to say. Damage has probably been done because of things I was forced to write in the forum. 'No one believes me' is behind everything I do.

Rachael decided that I was an evil person. Her husband - and I am not making this up - she showed me some story he wrote where he fantasized that everyone on a bus was actually a 'lizard' underneath a human costume. He is one of those people who literally believes that humans are mostly lizard aliens in human bodies. He LITERALLY believes it to be TRUE. And after the meeting we had, me, him, and Rachael, when she introduced me to him and it went badly, Rachael and Richard decided that I was one of the evil lizards in a human body. They didn't say out loud to me the word 'lizard,' but their behavior and everything they did and said to me suggested that they believed I was evil, and not just a little bit evil or corrupted, but EVIL all the way down to my (nonexistent) soul, evil in some supernatural and inhuman way.

Again, I am not being metaphorical here, I am being LITERAL. They LITERALLY believe that if they peeled away people's skin, they would be a lizard underneath, because that is what her husband Richard believes, and Rachael believes everything he does.

I spoke to Rachael a few years later, and she was questioning my 'evil motives' for merely calling her on the phone. With everything I do, she assumes there is a soulless, evil lizard who is trying to accomplish something evil.

So I didn't want to marry someone who was going to decide that I was an evil lizard alien in a human skin. I wanted to marry someone sane and stable who would believe realistic things about me.

Meanwhile it turns out that I am being attacked and controlled as a puppet of psychopathic murderers. If there is anything that could ever make me look even MORE like a sociopathic evil lizard in a human body, it would be that.

But I am going to go ahead and change my type back to ISTP and continue reading about socionics theories. Their theory of relationships really fits the people I have been with in the past - ENFPs and a couple people who resembled ENTPs but might have been ENFPs.