argh, have to hurry to go to work

2:10 PM 12/11/10

Quitting caffeine DID NOT happen today.

(However, I haven't been using St. John's Wort very much. That's a long story and I should explain it sometime. Short version: The pills in bottles seem to lose their freshness very quickly after opening, and they become less effective, which is why I grew my own SJW a couple years ago. So even when I do occasionally take the pills, they don't work as well as they did when I first bought them. There's not much motivation to take them when they don't help a lot anymore. Anyway, they made me extra friendly when I was at work, and I made eye contact with lots of guys, who then started to believe that I was attracted to them. But I don't want to start up any relationships unless I'm really, really serious about it. It's good in some ways and bad in some ways. I'd rather not use the drug unless I feel that I have to.)

I worked a short shift at McD yesterday, which was nice. They're cutting our hours, and I'm happy about it. I've been getting ready to apply for a second job, so that it doesn't affect my income if my jobs cut hours. (I'll complain about the Forty-Hour Work Week and Overtime Pay laws some other day. That's what causes this problem.) It's nice to get a little bit of time off. I think it's because the students are going home for Christmas vacation. Also, football season is over. The students, and the football games, give us a lot of business.

Anyway, working a short shift helped me to have more energy when I got up this morning. I am calling myself a Weekend Warrior. Weekend Warriors are people who work really hard all week long and don't have time to do anything, and they have to cram all their errands and projects into their two days off, so they never rest at all. I do, actually, rest, a lot, and I hardly do any errands or projects at all. But I feel that I need to. I rest on my days off, but I don't want to. Or rather, I want to, but I feel anxious about it. And also, I get harassed by voices, who remind me of things that I need to do.

So I got up very early this morning before the sun even rose, because 'they' attacked me. I watched Harvey Putter again. The movie has some rewatchability. I'm hearing more of the lines that I couldn't hear, and I'm noticing more things than I noticed before. I can tolerate the obnoxious Rod Cheesely a bit better now. He only annoyed me in the beginning. I'm trying to figure out what Dumpy the Houseschmuck is saying, because the actor has a thick accent. I keep the volume low since I'm wearing headphones, and because I'm usually watching it at some quiet time, like 5 in the morning, when I don't want to be blaring a loud movie and bothering the neighbors.

I've used Vivarin today, and also, I have a cup of coffee here from Burger King, right now.

After taking the Vivarin, I opened up a book by Mark Forster which I bought recently. I'm not following the instructions exactly. But just reading the book AT ALL is pushing me to do more things and putting me into a doing-stuff mood. It's making me aware that I really do want to do things, but haven't been able to. A lot of the things that I 'decide' to do are actually suggestions from the controllers, and not from within myself. I'd do a lot more if I were part of a support group that provided social pressure to achieve things. I can do almost anything if I have a lot of social pressure to do it. Not 'almost anything,' but a lot more than I usually do. If something is too unnatural for me, eventually I will rebel against it - for instance, if I was expected to keep a spotlessly clean house, forever and ever and ever, I would rebel against that, because I think it's pointless to be that perfectionistic. I would clean things in a way that I believed was necessary and useful, but I wouldn't be perfectionistic.

I 'got the file out' on a project I've been wanting to do. I wanted to set up my bookkeeping table again, and the old papers had a contamination incident, and it's an intolerable drug that causes severe insomnia and discomfort. So I wanted to put the old papers and things into a box, get the table ready, and set up my stuff again, and get new bookkeeping notepads, I forget what they're called, spreadsheets. I like doing it on paper instead of trying to use a computer program. I may use a program someday, but right now, it's the old-fashioned way, and I like it that way. So today, I did something small - I got a cardboard box (I get my cardboard boxes from McDonald's, either by dumpster diving, or saving them during the workday), put a garbage bag in it, and put some of the contaminated papers and stuff into it, but not all of the contaminated stuff. Then I got my gloves out of the car, where I had left them after getting some things out of the storage unit. I need to buy more gloves, but I haven't been able to go shopping. So the box of gloves is now sitting next to the table, ready for me to use next time I want to put more contaminated stuff into the cardboard box.

I enjoyed the bookkeeping that I was teaching myself. It felt like one of the few useful skills that I have ever learned in my life. I don't feel like I have a lot of useful skills.

It helps me see the future, when I know where my money is going, now and later. I feel that I have more control over it. I can allocate money to projects. I'm especially aware of how little money I'm able to SAVE. I want to save money, I really do.

When I was doing the bookkeeping, during that time period, I bought myself one of those printing calculators. I got a relatively nice one, not just a little one. I was able to type on it really fast, hundreds of numbers in a few minutes. However, the murderers would attack the calculator while I was using it, and the 'add' button would push itself twice in a row (while at the exact same moment, I would hear a voice in my head, and feel a zap), or else the add button wouldn't add even though I pressed it. Then the murderers would push the 'rage' button to make me feel a fake, induced feeling of murderous rage. That feeling is easier to induce when I am on drugs. I wanted to kill them for attacking me and disturbing the work that I was trying to do, and zapping me.

They also would push my fingers to make me press the wrong keys or press them in the wrong order. 'Finger twitch' is one of the common attacks that they do. Your fingers suddenly move involuntarily. No joke, this would be really bad if, for instance, you were holding a gun in your hand and had your finger on the trigger, but you were still undecided, and you weren't really going to shoot anybody (or yourself), but then they forced you to do a finger twitch. So the finger twitch attack might seem trivial, but actually it can be a very serious, life-threatening attack.

About dyslexia and typing letters in the wrong order - transposing, that's the word - Transposing letters can happen if they attack you and force you to do it; however, it happens a lot more if you are being affected by chemicals in foods, like artificial flavors and colors. The Feingold Diet helps you greatly reduce your typos and transposed letters. But the attackers will still force you to do it sometimes, it's just less likely to succeed when they do it, when you're less vulnerable to it.

So I know that when I start up bookkeeping again, they will attack the calculator. And also, it's likely that I will have a mysterious contamination outbreak again, through some unexpected process that I failed to protect against. They probably are causing the outbreaks to happen on purpose. But I am going to go back to bookkeeping anyway. I won't feel the attacks of rage as badly if all of the stuff is clean and not contaminated with residue. It is the residue that makes me more easily affected by rage.

I'll try to wipe off the calculator, but I don't know if wiping it off will work well enough - I have kept my computers, laptops, etc. even though they got contaminated - all my computer equipment got contaminated - and I've wiped them many times and they still have a little bit of stuff on them. It's not easy to thoroughly wipe off a computer keyboard without getting cleaning fluid into it, or the underside of a mouse, or all the cords. I usually use ordinary Lysol wipes, not because I want to 'kill germs,' but just to have something convenient to use, a disposable towel with liquid in it. I don't worry much about killing germs on surfaces. Only in some situations. Most diseases are spread by breathing the air, for instance, in a public bathroom, when you walk in there after somebody has vomited. The viruses are floating in the air, and you only have to inhale a small number of them (I read someplace that it only takes ten virus molecules for you to catch the Norovirus). That's my experience. I am lucky not to catch a lot of colds anymore, for some reason. I almost never get colds or the flu. However, I catch the stomach flu every single time I walk into a vomit-smelling public restroom.

That just reminded me. I do have a disease right now. I'm pretty sure that I have intestinal parasites. I've actually gotten them many times before. It often happened when I lived next to the duckpond. You can get parasites from things that burrow through your skin when you walk next to duckponds or places that have a lot of snails. (Yes, that duckpond has millions of snails, too.) I can sometimes feel the little tiny things tickling inside my abdomen. You'd think that I would be totally freaked out and disgusted about it, but actually I am not that upset. They're only in my intestines. If I had worms and things wandering around all over my body, I would be upset about it. Whatever I have, they seem to be very small, and I never actually SEE anything in the toilet, so it's not like tapeworms or anything. (Guinea worms, from Africa, are disgusting - they crawl into the skin of your feet and legs, and they can cause permanent scarring. The intestinal worms that I think I've had are much milder than that.) I usually start to hear voices telling me that I have worms again, when I'm feeling the itchy tickly crawly feelings. I've had some stomach problems too lately, when I try to eat, but not always.

How did I get worms this time? It seems to have started after the trip to West Virginia. There are several things that might have caused it.

1. Mom and dad have cats. Just being near animals, and touching them, and walking on the floor where they are, can give you various parasites, intestinal worms, mange and skin mites. That's been my experience. I still love cats and dogs and other animals.

2. Dad cooked hamburgers on the grill. He had the plate where the raw meat had been sitting. There was a pool of raw hamburger blood still on the plate, just a little bit. When the burgers were done cooking, he just put the cooked burgers right back onto the plate where the raw stuff had been, and we took them off there and ate them. I know you're not supposed to do that, and I ate them anyway.

3. I went outside, on a cold day, barefoot, and explored the backyard, and climbed some trees. Walking outside barefoot, near farm animals, or in the woods, can give you parasites that crawl through the skin.

4. Also, while going outside barefoot, I drank from a spring. We have fresh springs in West Virginia, all over the place, small ones, and they're somewhat drinkable, although probably not perfectly safe. I used to drink little sips from them when I was young, but not very much. I tried it again during the walk outside. The spring was close to the horse barn. Parasites could have come from the horses, or anywhere at all.

How am I going to get rid of them? I will eat lots of jalapeno peppers. That has always worked in the past. I'll eat foods with hot peppers in them, on and off for a couple days, and the itchy crawly tickly feelings will quickly stop happening, and I'll feel normal again. This is a folk remedy, and I'm pretty sure it works. (This might explain the ravenous hunger, too, now that I think about it. I forgot to mention that.)

Well, I have to get ready to leave for work.

I tried to dial up, but it wouldn't connect, and then I got bombarded with voices saying 'bad girl bad girl badgirlbadgirlbadgirl' over and over and over again. This is because, last time I was online, I was reading the Craigslist blog, and I read something about how Craigslist is getting the bad reputation for prostitution ads, and that kind of thing, but meanwhile, other websites are doing the same thing, and much worse than Craigslist ever did, but CL is getting all the blame from the media and the government.

I hate the 'bad girl' attitute and belief system more than anything else, and all it makes me feel is loathing and contempt. I hate anybody who would ever use the words 'bad girl' towards me. The voices do that frequently, and that whole attitude is insane. I never use the words 'bad girl' or 'bad boy' for sexual purposes, EVER. They are doing it because I saw pictures that were examples of ads from the websites that still had those ads available, so I was 'looking at pornography' last time I was online.

I have to get to work now.