Stealing hugs... "no no no nooo!"

9:34 AM 12/31/10

Today I took my St. John's Wort and I got up early and was working on cleaning some stuff. Then I went looking for Curtis after a while, and I found him. So when I saw him, I was on the drug.

I talked to him comfortably, fearlessly, and easily. I smiled and laughed. There was the same big group of managers and other people standing near his area, just like the other day, having some kind of discussion. Maybe they are remodeling something. It looked like they were talking and making a decision about something in that area. So, they were there, but I went looking for him anyway. The drug makes me much more fearless.

By the way, the other day when I went looking for him, and then went away crying, was a day that he was puking his guts out (as he described on facebook) and he left work and went home. So I probably wouldn't have been able to find him anyway - he might have been in the bathroom - or if I did get close to him, I would've caught the virus. So it was good that I didn't see him that day.

I gave him my note today. I congratulated him on asking Carrie to marry him. They are now officially engaged. He did that on Christmas Eve. They were unofficially planning to be married, for quite a while now, but now it's official. He got her a ring and it's being resized.

I was talking to him over the salad bar, so there was something in between us. After talking for a couple minutes (about nothing really important, just about work, about being sick, him being engaged, me doing my own little projects, me wanting a second job... the usual... he wants to get out of food service and have a meaningful job... I understand) I then asked him to come over to the doorway at the end of the salad bar where I have talked to him a couple times before. I said, 'I have something to give you.'

I gave him a note, and, as before, there was something other than just a note. I felt a 'no' vibe, faintly, something intangible that I can't explain. I felt 'no.' I gave this to him anyway. The voices have been saying 'this is the last one.' I don't know if they really mean that or not.

Then, without fear - even though I had been trembling and shaking in the parking lot before I went in - I reached towards him, and he said, 'hug?' and I hugged him. It was a 'shallow' hug, and I had a thick coat on, so it wasn't an erotic hug, it was the kind of hug that two friends could give each other. It was a brief, dainty little hug, not a bear hug, not a strong hug. Kind of like how, in some cultures, people kiss each other on each cheek, lightly and quickly.

He is so thin, and so short. I am five foot two. He is only a tiny bit taller than I am. He is about a small as a fourteen year old. He has fetal alcohol syndrome. I read about it, and it said that people with FAS are usually in the 'lower third percentile' of size for their age. It means they're much smaller than everyone else their age. This is the reason why I was hearing voices calling me a pedophile, and they were trying to help me find someone who was very small, and also of legal age. He is exactly the size that I am attracted to. I'm attracted to a variety of guys, and they're not always small, but my strongest feelings are usually towards the smaller skinnier ones.

So I could reach up and put my hands on his shoulders, and they were bony and thin.

After I left, the moment I walked away, I was flooded with feelings. I felt like I 'stole' the hug. It's possible to do what someone else wants you to do, without wanting to do it. I have hugged older, unattractive men who liked me when I didn't like them. I used to hug the child molester who came over to my parents' house once in a while, until we had the 'last straw' incident where I decided I would not touch him anymore. I know how gross it feels to hug someone you're not attracted to, when someone is desperate and needy, and they need to touch you so badly, but you're not attracted to them sexually. Now I'm in the role reversed position. I'm the older, less attractive, desperate, needy person.

So I felt: guilty, disgusted, mad at myself, sick, aroused, excited, violated, and terrified... and desperate to do it again, for a longer time, without a thick coat on.

I made it out to my car and then I started crying and saying, 'no! no! no! noooo! no! no!' over and over again while crying and sobbing. 'no! nooooo! don't do that!' I said. The voices started talking back to me in my head, saying 'He liked it,' and other things to try to reassure me, but I said, 'no! no! you don't understand! don't do that!'

I don't want to mess it up. If I do the wrong thing, if I violate him too much, he will be disgusted and he will avoid me. He will signal 'no' in some way, nonverbally. I already felt a little bit of 'no' when I gave him my note today.

I tried a couple times in the past to ask him to talk about this with me, talk about setting boundaries, about what is okay and what is not okay. He wouldn't talk about it. I wrote notes, and he didn't even answer the notes that I wrote on paper.

(I just got an email from his girlfriend Carrie today, saying 'I've been emailing you and you haven't been answering my messages, are you mad at me, etc,' and this is the usual thing with the computer hackers interfering with my emails... so whenever I want to get an important message to someone, I give them a note on paper... and I'm saying that, okay, he didn't answer a lot of the text messages and emails, but that could've been because he never got them, or I never got his replies.... but he didn't answer the paper notes either, is the point.)

Anyway I have tried to warn him, in the past, that I wanted to touch him, I wanted to hug him, I'm sexually attracted to him - I've told him this quite a few times and several times it was written on paper notes, which he definitely received, because I gave them to him by hand. I asked him what kind of touch is okay, and he wouldn't answer. I was specific about it, is this okay, is that okay. And I still don't know.

So I have to find out the hard way, by just doing something risky and then getting a nonverbal 'no.' And of course I can do it when I'm on drugs and fearless... but I wasn't really fearless, I was terrified afterwards, terrified that I would disgust him and that it would ruin our relationship completely, that we wouldn't even be friends because I'm attracted to him and I always want to touch him.

And also now I was terrified because, now that I've hugged him one time, I will want to do it again and again and again. I will want to do it every time I see him. Sooner or later, it won't be okay anymore.

I drove away in my car, crying and sobbing and saying 'no! nooo! no no no no!' over and over for several minutes. And now I am home writing in my blog.

I don't know when is the next time I will see him or what I will do. I don't know if I will give any more gifts to him. I don't know what 'they' will make me do.

That was today's adventure. I stole something.