The Giving Tree; Harvey Putter; nothing got done today

12:21 PM 12/8/10

This is my blog to complain that I got nothing at all done today, except writing a blog, which doesn't count, because I'm not getting paid to do that, and because a lot of it is written by voices that are not my own, and because it doesn't have a large-scale structure, or a conscious plan or goal (the way a book would have a large-scale plot).

Movie spoilers again - Harvey Putter. The voices have been complaining about Rod Cheesely from Harvey Putter. I didn't like Rod Cheesely. He was too energetic and obnoxious. (I loved it that their family was trailer trash, though.) But Rod's facial expressions were too exaggerated and fake. You could tell that he didn't really feel the emotions he was pretending to feel. I like it when I can watch a spoof, and NOT laugh, and take the movie seriously as a stand-alone movie. So, even in a spoof, I don't really like obnoxious, fake characters.

The actor was too hyperactive later on in the real world, too. In Disk 2 there's a scene, and I forget which section it's in, but they're all sitting around a table playing a guitar and singing. They're just singing some familiar songs that have nothing to do with the movie. The Rod Cheesely actor is acting like a hyperactive, ADHD kid, making gagging noises and making fun of the music while other people are singing. I sincerely believe he would benefit from the Feingold Diet. I used to be hyperactive too, and I used to make faces, and obnoxious noises, and I used to mess around and be hyperactive, and rude, and impulsive. I'm not on a perfect Feingold Diet now, but I'm on a sort of informal Feingold Diet, where, usually, I mostly avoid foods and candies that have obvious artificial flavors and colors in them. So it's a loosely enforced, casual diet, not a strict one, and it helps enough that I'm no longer obnoxious most of the time.

(I think that sometimes, actors in movies are obnoxious and crazy because they have too much makeup on. Makeup goes through the skin, and it's even worse if it's some horrible bright color. I've had problems where a lotion went through my skin, years ago when I was officially on a more strict version of the Feingold Diet, and the lotion contained essence of oranges and other high-salicylate fruits to give the lotion a fruity smell. I became severely hyper shortly after applying the lotion to my skin. I was restless, miserable, uncomfortable, and couldn't sit still. Imagine actors with lots of makeup on and the makeup colors are going through their skin.)

During the music-playing scene, this other guy walks into the room. He was one of the makeup artists who was working on Kiran Shah earlier (the blue smurf Dobby/Dumpy). He walks in and sits down while they're playing songs, and he's crying. I really, really liked that guy. I thought he was cute the first time I saw him. I have different categories of guys that I'm attracted to. This guy was in the 'pleasantly plump' category. He wasn't skinny, he wasn't fat, but he was just a tiny bit fat. I don't think anybody would call him fat. But I liked it that he was crying from listening to the music.

*******

'Nothing got done today.' I was forced awake early this morning. After being forced awake, I was hoping to get up and get something done. I took a caffeine pill, but I had the opposite reaction, the... there's a word for this. A contradictory reaction, or something. I forget the word. Anyway, I had the opposite reaction of what you'd expect: it knocked me out. I didn't totally fall asleep, I just got suddenly exhausted and had to lie down. That's like adrenal exhaustion or something. I did fall asleep for a few minutes, later, but it was because 'they' forced me to briefly fall asleep and hear voices and then wake back up again.

I was trying to get up and work on my to-do list. I have things I need to buy. I have urgent appointments to make, for instance, I need to get my car's bumper fixed. I got the insurance check and deposited it, finally, after the rear-ending accident. But I didn't do any of those things. I just laid back down in bed and tried to fall asleep again, and couldn't.

Then I was thinking about visiting Curtis. It's hard to negotiate a visit with him sometimes. I have to talk with 'the voices' and get them to agree to it. I have been bringing something and giving it to him, and no, it's nothing illegal, it's just a small gift. But sometimes I go to see him empty-handed, and so, we just have to talk to each other as friends and keep in touch. But they don't want me to go see him empty-handed too often. But I was arguing with them this morning, because I am only required to give him something once every calendar month, and it doesn't matter WHEN in the month it happens. ('I am required' means, it's something the voices are telling me to do, and I am agreeing to it.)

So I was arguing with them because they wanted me to hurry up and bring my gift to give him, but I am going to spend my money on fixing the car first. And Curtis himself never demanded any gifts from me, just the opposite, he told me he didn't want any help from me.

(This started because, when he left his job where we used to work together, he was going to sign up for the army, and I was freaking out and sending him letters, and I'm not sure if I sent them on Yahoo or Facebook, but if it was Yahoo, he probably wouldn't have gotten them for a while, so he wasn't even seeing the letters as I was begging him and begging him NOT to join the army. And 'they' decided it was time for me to demonstrate how much I care about him, by keeping in touch with him, stalking him to his new job (which wasn't the army), and giving things to him and writing more letters to him. Meanwhile his girlfriend undermined my stalking by telling me that there was nothing abnormal about this and she didn't see any reason why he and I couldn't continue being friends, while I was begging both of them to tell me to leave him alone, and they wouldn't. And then he himself told me to stop by and see him more often, and to write to him or say something on facebook too. So I got permission to keep seeing him even though I still feel terrified and rejected and I feel like a stalker, because of the intensity of how badly I need him and how much I miss him.)

When I went to visit West Virginia, I looked through my old books. I found 'The Giving Tree.' I read it again and was crying and crying. The Giving Tree loves a little boy, and she gives him everything she has, because she loves him so much, and even though he leaves, and falls in love with someone else, and is gone for a long, long time, she keeps giving to him until there is nothing left to give, and then finally, they just sit together quietly and enjoy each other's company.

I thought of a couple other things. There's a song I used to hear on the Muzak. 'And I will run until my feet no longer run no more, and I will kiss until my lips no longer feel no more, and I will love until my heart it aches, and I will love until my heart it breaks, and I will love until there's nothing more to live for.' I always liked that song a lot.

When I read The Giving Tree again, I remembered a tree that had been cut down at the duckpond house where I used to live.

(The photo of the trees and leaves, at the top of this blog, is a cut-off part of a photo I took at the duckpond. I loved living there, but I had to leave for a variety of reasons - the house was full of toxic mold, and also, my landlord lost patience with me because of all the strange problems I had, and he said that he thought it would be best if I didn't stay there anymore.)

The tree was cut down because it was underneath, or next to, the power lines, and touching against them. It was a big, thick tree. I saw the trunk a couple years later after it was cut down. I noticed a lot of weeds growing up around it, and I thought those were there because the lawnmowers couldn't get close to the tree stump. But I looked more closely, and some of what looked like a clump of 'weeds' was actually a clump of new branches growing up from the tree stump. It was still alive, and it was growing back again, from a stump chopped all the way down to the ground. I like to put that mental image with 'The Giving Tree' and imagine that maybe the tree will grow back, and maybe the man had children who will come to play on the new, regrown Giving Tree in the future.

(I write about all this in a non-sexual way, while hearing voices that are trying to make it into a sexual metaphor and not just a psychological metaphor or a relationship metaphor or a parenthood metaphor.)

When I go to visit him empty-handed, just to be with him and enjoy his company, what I think to myself is 'I am nothing.' He can reject me, he can hurt me, I need him, and he has hurt me a couple of times in the past, and it's hard to trust him. If I didn't need him so much, I wouldn't be so afraid. But still, I insist, I need to go visit him without any gifts, just to talk, once in a while. I need to be vulnerable and helpless and let him react however he will react to me, and let me be hurt if he rejects me. And besides, he can still reject me even if I am giving things to him. It's still possible to reject a gift. It doesn't protect me. It's only an illusion of protection. And the gift that I give him can only give him a little bit of real-world protection, not very much. It is useful, but it is hardly anything at all. So I argue with the voices about what are the conditions of my visits to him.

I tried to get up early today, but I couldn't, and all I could do was get up late, and write some blogs.